DH rude to my DM

[TeaAndToast85]

Not an AIBU, more of a WWYD. I was FaceTiming my DM earlier as she was in mothercare, and wanted to show me a Moses basket. She suggested that she might buy it for us, and a cot too, which is really generous. (I am 26 weeks pregnant).

She asked if my DH was there, so I flipped the screen around so he could give her a wave, and he just sat there, PlayStation controller in hand, and stared at my phone. Said nothing, didn't live, just stared. My DB was in the room too, and looked really uncomfortable. I flipped the camera around to see my DM's face looking really hurt and confused, and it really upset me. I said something like 'someone's in a funny mood' to try to laugh it off, but it didn't work.

To avoid a drip feed, my DH has really not been himself recently, and has started seeing a counsellor. I think he basically has depression, but refuses to acknowledge it. He is functioning OK at work, but then comes home and is withdrawn and irritable. I am trying to be as supportive as possible, but he is shrugging off every effort that I make. I have had issues with depression in the past and want the support him like he has supported me, but we are very different people in that regard - he just wants to be left alone and can't bear any fuss.

I am upset that he was so rude to my mum, and is now making out that he didn't do anything wrong, and that I am making a big fuss of nothing. It's possible that I did go a bit OTT with my reaction, as I am pretty hormonal at the moment, and have generally been feeling quite unsupported recently. BUT I also feel guilty because I know he is really struggling with his mental health, and I should probably just cut him some slack.

WWYD?

Goodness me your DM was in Mothercare but needed to FaceTime all 3 of you for a chat there and then. Annoying. No wonder your DH just sat there!

He maybe feeling a bit suffocated here. Have you ever considered he maybe needing a bit of head space while dealing with depression?

@RadioGaGoo yes, because after he said 'it's not a big deal' I started crying and told him that I was really embarrassed and that he has hurt my mums feelings. God, this actually all looks pretty pathetic when I see it written down. It's been a really bad week and I think the hormones have taken over

I HATE it when people flash a camera round to me when they're on video call! Makes me feel so flustered and embarrassed and uncomfortable. Sometimes, when in a particularly foul mood, I've pretended not to notice the camera being pointed at me... Maybe he did that?

FWIW I think he was rude a quick hi would have sufficed whether he’s pissed off or not.

Also as someone who has had depression most of my life inc my childhood I have every sympathy with your DH I really do. But there’s only so much support you can give him if he won’t acknowledge and seek help for his issues. He needs to take responsibility for that.

Your mum was maybe confused by your actions, not your h's.

From my own experience of MH issues a month seeing a counsellor/psychiatrist is no time at all. He will be discussing all sorts with them and unfortunately it will impact on other parts of his life. And then on the flip side being pregnant is most likely making your hormones all over the place.

If it was me, honestly I would leave it for now.

@ShuttyTown I think she just wanted to show us the Moses basket? I thought it was nice

@RadioGaGoo - I may be wrong but it seems like you just want to dislike the H no matter what he does. By the sounds of it the OP snapped at H in the car, he snapped back and she cried. No one has come out of this well. All just needs forgetting, cuppa and a hug.

Toast, you said that you had similar issues in the past and he was very supportive of you, maybe you think you are being supportive but not in the way that he needs? We are all very different so you may be doing for him what you needed when you were down, but he may need different treatment from you. Talk him to him and say your sorry this has been Made into a thing, and ask him what he needs from you to get through what he's feeling at the mo, it sounds like he might be having a hard time with you being pregnant, it's quite common, men worrying that they won't be able to provide or worrying what will happen or that he will be a crap dad. Just ask him what he needs from you

Sorry I had a right old speech there! Don't mean to sound like I am lecturing you, just offering some advice

Looks like there’s something much bigger being covered up by this incredibly small situation ....

We do FaceTime quite a lot as a family as there are quite a few nieces and nephews, so the phone often gets passed around from person to person for a chat. Is this weird?

It’s your normal but yeah it’s weird for those of us who don’t do it.

If someone in the room I’m in does a video call I do an exit out of the room until they’re finished. thankfully it doesn’t happen very often thank Christ, people just speak on the phone the normal way.

If you don’t like FaceTime then why on earth do you do it?

I do think this is an overreaction though, if you’re struggling with your partners depression then you’ll need support.

I think I will bring him a cup of tea and try to make this all water under the bridge. I know it is selfish and not what I should be thinking, but I really miss the old him. I just hope the counselling works soon...he is not open to the idea of SSRIs, I think because that would be admitting that he really has depression.

Did you want him to engage in the conversation and acknowledge your DM's generous offer? If so then I can see how his lack of involvement felt like a snub especially if you and your DM were in the midst of an excited baby-preparation conversation and he was disinterested.
If he's currently unable to offer you emotional support because of his depression then put another support network in place. He is having a tough time but so are you.

If someone in the room I’m in does a video call I do an exit out of the room until they’re finished

Ditto. I really, really hate someone putting me on FT. Despise it.

Jedi. You may think whatever you so please. I didn't read the OP as saying she 'snapped' in the car. However, I agree neither come out well from this.

You was rude to DH, DH was rude to your dm.

Have you considered that maybe DH wanted to choose the Moses basket and go shopping for baby bits with you, rather than have your dm choice?

@smudgedlipstick it is good advice, thank you

I say bin the damn play station. I think those things are the root of all evil. I’m convinced that immersing yourself in screen time to the extent that they take up has big effects on people and it won’t be long until they find that they are linked to depression etc. However fun and addictive. The number of threads I read that involve dh gaming for hours causing issues with dc/relationship/social life etc

His reaction was a bit rude, I’d expect him at least to do a token wave even if he thinks you’re all bonkers for FaceTiming. The fact he had been depressed does not excuse him completely. If the depression is effecting him this badly, making him irritable and angry he needs to seek help. Will he? You can support him but you can’t take responsibility for his emotional well-being.

I think unintentionally you’ve bu. Both your dB and DH were uncomfortable
You assumed theyd want face time with your mum when they were engaged in ps game
It’s not biggie so don’t over explore it with your dh

@PricillaQueenOfTheDesert trust me, choosing Moses baskets is pretty far down his list of priorities. He's more of a 'you choose it, and I'll put it together' sort. Which is good, because I can't assemble anything to save my life

Anyhoo, don’t worry about it.hope you have healthy and happy pg
I hope your dh begins to feel better and gets treatment &medication he needs

Try not to take it personally OP I don't think your DH was being rude, probably a combination of being put on the spot and feeling very low, he might have just felt numb and not known what to do.