Need advice from all wives ..

[Kav123]

I really need some advice here, I dont have a mother or sister and friends advice will be biased.
I work full time one job and part time weekend job. I am also trying to open my own business so mostly busy. I cook from Friday till Monday, as those days I can cook proper food, rest i have to travel so not possible to come home by 10 and cook. My husband mostly put beans on toast for dinner (which I have to ask for ) those 3 days or ask me to get food ordered. Once in a blue moon he will cook something then again leaves the trail of dishes in the kitchen to clean up.
My issue is that my husband doesn't seem to offer any help with household chores, if he cooks he leaves all the dishes in the sink for me to cleanup (or say i will do it tomorrow but tomorrow never comes) if eats he leaves his plates at table which i clean up in the morning, he showers and leaves clothes all over bathroom and bedroom floor, I ask him to put bins out for collection, he forgets, he has never hovered the house. He only puts the washing in if he needs something urgently but only take that one thing out to dry and leaves the rest of the clothes in the machine wet. I am constantly tired, have mile long list of things to do on my own. He has one full time job from 8-4 and get two days off a week, which he spent either visiting friends or cleaning his car.

My friend says all men are like that, so here is my question am i over reacting by bringing this up over and over to my husband attention (which causes an argument) or all husband are like that ?

It's not as if it's not unacceptable enough, however if for argument's sake someone tried to explain it based on more gender stereotypical roles and say that maybe he prefers more male jobs we can see that that's not true either. He wouldn't fix the wardrobe?? He doesn't like "women's" kind of jobs (still not acceptable) but neither "men's". He is 100% lazy. My husband is bigger and a lot stronger than me so typically he will do almost everything of that sort. It's not that your husband works more ours outside the house either.

OP just sit back and think hard about what you want from life....and how to go about getting it. Because nobody will do it for you!

Do you want to spend your adult life being a foster mummy to a giant man baby?

Or do you want to marry an equal partner, have a family of your own, watch them grow up and progress through life with REAL support, REAL care, REAL love?

He doesn't support you. He fails every time. Anything that takes effort, from researching a new sofa to putting out the bins every week instead of when he's asked, he does not do. He CHOOSES not to do. He leaves it all for you. He's only prepared to do the things that cost him nothing - no effort, no time, no prep. Hugs and 'loving you'. What does that even mean, coming from a man who won't pull his weight? Nothing.

I have seen so many threads on here with women with newborns where their OH spends time off work meeting friends, going to the gym, hobby etc. and then returns home "tired" and goes to bed, also moaning why she hasn't washed his work clothes even though the baby hasn't let her use the toilet or have a bite of food all day. It's really sad.

I also know of men who stay at home and have quit work altogether because they "prefer to spend time with DC" and do nothing and their wife has to do everything when she comes home, take time off work when DC are ill and it's a nightmare. Don't have children with this man.

You are right not to have children with this man, you need to decide whether he is even worthy as a future partner. You will end up burnt out and overwhelmed and trapped with a man like this.
Why don't you have a meeting and draw up a meal plan ( of what he will cook) agree that he tidies up properly afterwards.
Then draw up the same timetable for household chores and divide them up. He needs to understand he is not helping YOU but looking after himself, the home and you.
The timetable needs printing and putting up and following. You need to level with him that if he isn't prepared to move into the 21st century you are finished. You can not allow yourself to be this mans unpaid slave for the rest of your life

Your DH isn't treating you like a partner or a wife - you're being treated like a housekeeper/maid.

Sometimes it helps to reverse genders. How does it sound 'Oh, my wife is really good, she leaves her dirty clothes all over, but she picks them up when I ask. And sometimes even helps me with dishes!'

Of course he should do his share of housework. But you also need to cut down on work. Sounds as if you're doing far too much. What is the point of working yourself to the ground when you've got a lazy husband who doesn't help.

They are not all like that and on bad days (long days at work) I refuse to cook or clean up. DH has also been like this in the past on occasion (never with food as he loves his food and will always go a step further - I would be the beans on toast if desperate) but we have both turned over new leaves and tidy. Perhaps bulk cook and freeze (we do this now) to save the hassle. If he is really that useless, you can always direct him to put the oven on and heat up the food,

He does sound very lazy though

Not all men are like this. He's treating you like his mother.

OMG!! This guy needs a sharp kick up the rear to get him to pull his weight. What’s he going to do when your laid up after surgery?

My DH can be a lazy git sometimes, but there are jobs he does do (sometimes I have to ask ...).

Either do as many others have said and get out now while you can.

Or, write up a list of jobs and a rota for doing them and stick to your side of the list. He’ll soon get the message when “his” jobs start to mount up.

OP no not all men are like that. My DH does most cooking/cleaning. We share dog walking and baby bedtimes. I do more house admin stuff.

I'd suggest raising it in a "Im struggling to cope due to working 2 jobs etc, so it would help me to have it written down what our chores were and how often we are going to do them, eg weekly, daily etc. Perhaps we could also take turns cooking and who ever doesn't cook washes up?" Then pick whichever tasks you think must be done (food shop, laundry etc) and pick those for yourself and all others which can be missed for a week give to DH (eg dusting, hoovering) but make sure you both has equally time consuming tasks, rather than an equal number of tasks. If you've agreed a frequency for each task then when he says "I'll do it tomorrow" you can say, eg "you said that last week and didn't do it and we agreed x would be done weekly".
You can always add "wash both cars" to his list seeing as he already loves washing his own....

His 'issue' was that he genuinely believed he was rubbish at housework and that he'd rather not do it at all than risk disappointing me by doing it wrong or not good enough. Plus he actually thought I enjoyed it!

Who the fuck enjoys housework?

I mean I get a sense of satisfaction when I've finished cleaning the bathroom etc, but enjoying the cleaning

Clean the bathroom/hoover/washing up VS. binge watching Netflicks.......................................

But I'm an adult, as is DP we want to have a clean bathroom/kitchen etc therefore we know one of us needs to get on with it, and as as partners we share the tasks we don't like

Wow! It's not even just sexism - he's NOT EVEN doing the traditional "male" tasks (DIY, financial management) does he even wipe his own arse??

I thought my ex was bad this is on a WHOLE other level. Sorry I would STRONGLY advise considering leaving because even if this person improves I bet they'll STILL be doing a lot less than you.

My ex did - all the DIY, car, garden and house maintenance, cooked at least once a week and cleaned up after (basic like stir fry/pasta but not as basic as beans on toast), financial management (kinda his job so he was good at this), his own ironing (army I couldn't do it right however hard I tried, so one day threw it at him - ok YOU do it), put the bins out.

He was however apparently incapable of laundry, hoovering, dusting, cleaning windows, cleaning kitchen or bathroom, cleaning floors, grocery shopping, childcare (even though he now has 6 kids), remembering to empty all the bins round the house before putting the bins out.

Wish I'd found mn before I married him partly (but then I'd not have dd).

Yours is far lazier than ANY man I know and that's saying something!

Annamagnani - that's not necessarily a man thing I have a dear friend who REALLY can't cook - I'm talking struggles even with oven heat up meals! She's blown up 2 cookers and a microwave and ruined countless pans even kettles (forgets to fill them) trying to learn. She's intelligent and practical (lawyer) Mother and sister are chefs but she seems to just be honestly incapable.

Angstina - your friend sounds like my ex a bit - what he DID do he wanted a fucking medal and ticker tape parade for (even if he did half a job).

I also know women, even wives/live in gf who can be lazy but not this bad. Even a very lazy flat mate I once had.

I think it's likely you're not so much depressed as bloody knackered!!

"His 'issue' was that he genuinely believed he was rubbish at housework and that he'd rather not do it at all than risk disappointing me by doing it wrong or not good enough." That's strategic incompetence Lazy women do it too sometimes "oh I couldn't possibly change a tire/hang a picture/phone the bank to sort my overdraft myself! I might break a nail!"

I've started making my own memos of links for frequently occurring threads

WIFEWORK LINKS

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

m.youtube.com/watch?v=SqQgDwA0BNU

www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Susan-Maushart/dp/0747561729?tag=mumsnetforum-21

amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Not read it all yet. Just wanted to say that I can sympathise as my dh is the same. I'm just told that I nag, and that he's not asking/expecting me to do it; he can't see that by not doing it himself he is expecting me to do or we'd live in a hovel. No advice really, sorry, just wanted to say that I understand

I don't work though, so I do expect to do most of it, I'd just like him to clean up behind himself and not make extra work for me especially when he knows I struggle.

No, lazy men who are allow to get away it behave like this. He sounds like a difficult 17 year old son. I struggle to imagine anything less sexy.

There is no reason for you, or your friends to accept adults you are in relationships behaving like this unless you are happy with it.

Rather than just mentioning it again, how about a more serious talk about what you expect from him for the relationship to work for you?

Graphista - that's brilliant , love that clip.

It makes me recall a time I called my then 16 year old son back to the bathroom after he'd left the bowl in a state. I asked him if he believed in poo fairies. He looked at me totally puzzled and said he had no idea what I was talking about. I then handed him a bottle of bleach and walked out. He now cleans up after himself.

It came up on a similar thread I think. Did remind me of my ex. He did do stuff but he had to be (very) specifically asked told what to do.

Wife 2 - 5 kids works full time in very demanding job long hours, ex now works part time - she STILL does all the wifework inc organising the childcare. More fool her I say (ow)

My boyfriend and I both work full time. I do all the cooking as I enjoy it and I keep the kitchen clean and load the washing machine He does all the vacuuming, cleans the bathroom and hangs the laundry up. I mop he irons. Equality.

The excuse I get is that I'll moan that he hasn't done it properly or I'll redo it myself afterwards.

My argument back is that if he only does half a job it actually makes more work for me but he can't see that.
Eg, if I ask him to vacuum, he doesn't move anything out of the way, or pick anything up, or go under/behind anything, he pretty much just vacuums the middle of the floor and forgets about cobwebs on ceilings, behind sofa, under coffee table, etc.

When I was seriously ill and hospitalized for 3 weeks, he hadn't once cleaned the sink/bath or under the toilet seat, or the kitchen, etc. It Judy doesn't seem to occur to him and a messy house doesn't really bother him, whereas it drives me crazy.

All he'd done is a bit of vacuuming (loads of cobwebs everywhere though) and washed some clothes that he had needed (none were put away though).

I tried telling him how stressed it made me to sit looking at it and I'd been told to take it easy for several weeks. I lasted 3 days before I gave in and did it myself properly.

I've told him that I'm not his mother and that he doesn't respect me if he makes more work for me, but it falls on deaf ears and nothing changes.

If I did nothing, which I've tried before, it just doesn't bother him, but it's not good for the dc or my mental health.

I think it's made worse by the fact that I'm disabled, so he knows I struggle to keep on top of things. It also means that I'm trapped as I wouldn't manage on my own.

Sorry for the long post. Didn't mean to take over!

Such a lazy bloke is a huge turn off. He has no respect for you if he believes that you should be doing it all.

I have divorced a lazy fecker - he got worse as time went on. If he did do something, he wanted the full chorus of trumpets and back oats for it.

Lots of men are like this op.. it's up to you if you can put up with it though.

Not true at all. I work fewer hours than my H but he arrives home before I do and will start cooking dinner or do some housework. He never cleans the bathroom, but I can let him off that as he does lots of other things

My partner and I do EVERYTHING together. He cooks, I cook. He ALWAYS washes the dishes because he knows I hate it. When we clean he has his side of the flat, I have mine, then he hoovers and I mop. I love him. That's how he's been raised though. I never have to tell him anything. Last year I had to work a Sunday (happens like twice a year) and he cleaned the whole flat AND cooked. Sorry, OP. This is not okay