Need advice from all wives ..

[Kav123]

I really need some advice here, I dont have a mother or sister and friends advice will be biased.
I work full time one job and part time weekend job. I am also trying to open my own business so mostly busy. I cook from Friday till Monday, as those days I can cook proper food, rest i have to travel so not possible to come home by 10 and cook. My husband mostly put beans on toast for dinner (which I have to ask for ) those 3 days or ask me to get food ordered. Once in a blue moon he will cook something then again leaves the trail of dishes in the kitchen to clean up.
My issue is that my husband doesn't seem to offer any help with household chores, if he cooks he leaves all the dishes in the sink for me to cleanup (or say i will do it tomorrow but tomorrow never comes) if eats he leaves his plates at table which i clean up in the morning, he showers and leaves clothes all over bathroom and bedroom floor, I ask him to put bins out for collection, he forgets, he has never hovered the house. He only puts the washing in if he needs something urgently but only take that one thing out to dry and leaves the rest of the clothes in the machine wet. I am constantly tired, have mile long list of things to do on my own. He has one full time job from 8-4 and get two days off a week, which he spent either visiting friends or cleaning his car.

My friend says all men are like that, so here is my question am i over reacting by bringing this up over and over to my husband attention (which causes an argument) or all husband are like that ?

Many men are like your DH and I've read many a thread like this, all with the same good advice.

He won't change though, while you enable him. Tell him what needs to be done. Write lists.

If he doesn't do his fair share, and that is important to note, he's not helping YOU As it's not all your responsibility, stop cooking cleaning and any washing.

I know somebody whose husband refused to pick up his dirty clothes off the floor. His wife put it all in bin bags. He bought new stuff. The cycle continued until the house was full of the bin bags and she then left him.

No, not all husbands are like that. I do do all the cooking/food shopping, I enjoy it and work part time. DH clears up after eating, deals with the he dishwasher, does the bins, hoovers, does all sorts of stuff and not because I ask, because it needs doing and between us we do everything that needs doing.
I wouldn't have married him if he didn't share houehold chores tbh, & definitely wouldn't have had children with him.

Wow. I would move out and leave him to his beans on toast. Lazy cocklodger. Do not have children with him. Have a Google of wifework and mental load and start getting angry.

You don't have kids? Get rid, immediately.

No, not all men are like this. The absolutely useless misery-making lazy twats are like this.

It's so sad that you say you don't have kids because you'd be left with doing everything. You're 100% right, by the way - but, FGS don't waste your life staying with this waster and not even have the family you want!!! WALK!! NOW!!!

It makes sense in every practical way.

You want kids? Get out - you don't want them with this guy. Every day with him is a day wasted.

You're say, mid-thirties, so scared you'll miss the boat? Get out anyway - you've already said you can't have kids with this guy, so, still every day is wasted anyway.

You really love him though? Get out - you're already stressed, tired and pissed off with his utter selfishness. You won't love him for much longer, believe me.

You don't think you really want kids anyway so might as well stay? Get out - just see the point above. Being alone is better than being used by a lazy fecker. At the VERY least, you'll come home only to dishes you've used, half the clothes you currently wash (not left on the floor) and you won't have a nagging sense of being used like a maid.

GET RID!!!

I do most of the household chores because I'm a sahm, but if dh comes home and the kitchen is a mess he cleans it up.

All men are not like that. I agree with pp, if mine was like that he'd be an ex pretty quickly! Why should one partner do all the work while the other does nothing?

In our house everyone is expected to pull their weight. Even my three year old sets the table and helps stack the dishwasher after, which seems to be more than your dh is doing!

Pick up all the mess he leaves every day and put it in a big ikea blue bag and dump it on his side of the bed. Repeat until he runs out of stuff. That is what my mum did to me when I was an idle teenager....

OP if you intend staying with DH, write your timetable and tasks down, give him a copy and either ask or tell him which share of living together he is going to do, then perhaps rotate after a couple of weeks until he's done all of it at some stage and agree which jobs each of you will be responsible for. Otherwise accept you're going to be his maid for the rest of your marriage, or leave him

Oh - and no he won't change.

It's who he is. If you threaten to leave he'd cry and spend a month running round doing things, yes. But basically he's lazy and a pisstaker, and that's who he is, and he'll go back to it, and you'll spend your life either havign a go at him for not pulling his weight, or doing things for him.

I have had loads of conversation with him but nothing really changes. I like clean house so i do it rather then pestering him but I now feel I am burning out. I have some health issues too due to go for my 3rd surgery soon in March which doesn't help.
I know what you all are saying, I know deep down it is not right but sometime i doubt myself and feel im too demanding, i guess I wanted to hear from everyone which I am thinking quietly.

I'd just go on strike. Do nothing apart from my own washing, stop cooking, clear up after myself and leave the rest. Turn a blind eye to the mess and wait to see how long it takes him to sort it out.

Your friend is wrong.

DH doesn't cook and I have given up trying to teach him, so I do all cooking, even though I work FT and he is at home.

On the other hand he does all pet care, breakfasts, lunches, washing up, washing, bins out, wipes down kitchen. And even then I think most Mumsnetters would call him a cocklodger

My friend says all men are like that

Am i over reacting by bringing this up over and over to my husband? Or are all husbands like that?*

No, of course they're not. You've just been unl;ucky enough to land up with a lazy, selfish cocklodging arsehole.

What poitive stuff does he bring to your relationship???

I'd boot him out pronto.

What makes him think he's worth so much more than you that you have to act as his unpaid skivvy???

And he actively does things to make life harder for you (eg, only taking his own washing out of the machine) - what sort of knob end does that?????

He has no respect for you AT ALL.

If you want to save your relationship, write a list of all the chores that need to be done and sit down with your dh and go through them togetehr. Split them up into his and yours. Then let him get on with it.

Think of how long you're prepared to give him to up his game - as week, two weeks? Then, at the end of the period, decide what you want to do.

But listen, running the house is not your 'job' and he should nt be 'helping'. He should be acting like an adult and doing his fair share to look after the house he lives in.

Good luck. You'll need it.

Exactly what Pagwatch said.

Wow I could not live like that. Sounds like you would be much better off on your own! What a lazy disrespectful ass.
My husband does all the cooking and most of the housework.

Your husband is selfish and lazy and these traits eventually kill love and respect because they cause such resentment.

It really is a very serious matter, you work so hard and he doesn't support that in practical ways which means he takes you for granted and when you take someone for granted it can mean you don't think much of their feelings, you don't need to because they'll always be there, doing what they always did. Don't be taken for granted and don't allow him to accuse you of moaning or nagging, all those shit words people use to shut women up and keep them in their place.

Why only wives?

No, not all men are like this.

DP and I aren't married, but we live together and have a son. We both work full time. He definitely does more than your H. I do all the cooking, but he does dishes and we split the weekly cleaning and laundry. He changes the bed sheets and always remembers to put the bins out

Your H is lazy and im sure he won't change if you have kids; he will most likely get worse.

How are you going to cope after your surgery?

I'm 4 weeks post op from major surgery, I'm only just managing to rub the bathroom over and cook again. I still can't hoover, do washing, shopping, walk the dog, nothing that involves pushing, pulling or lifting.

I'd be stuffed if my husband was like yours.

If you're brave enough, show him this thread.

It's not acceptable for any adult to take so little responsibility for the running of their home, and to expect someone else to be their all-round dogsbody.

He is showing such little respect for you. I hope you can open his eyes to the ways he needs go change.

All men are not like that. My DH works 70 hours a week but when he is physically here he does 50% of the chores, and if I get really tired he will do all of them if necessary.

If he is that old fashioned then either you have to train him up to do his share (rarely works) or take over as domestic manager completely, refuse to work full-time, and make sure you incorporate the time it takes running the household into your weekly load, then physically clear out of the house for rest and relaxation for the remaining hours so you don't get suckered into doing his share because you don't want to look at his mess.

(FWIW I wish there was a chores police that could come round and arrest people for not doing their fair share!!)

A nice, caring husband would not treat you like a personal slave and would not leave his shit all over for you to clean up. So disrespectful. What he's basically saying is 'Fuck you, Kav, you can do it!'

Your friend has very low expectations if she claims that's all there is.

And his good points are....?

A friend came to my house for coffee, we sat and talked about life. At some point in the conversation, I said, “I’m going to wash the dishes and I’ll be right back.”

He looked at me as if I had told him I was going to build a space rocket. Then he said to me with admiration but a little perplexed: “I’m glad you help your wife, I do not help because when I do, my wife does not praise me. Last week I washed the floor and no thanks.”I went back to sit with him and explained that I did not “help” my wife. Actually, my wife does not need help, she needs a partner. I am a partner at home and through that society are divided functions, but it is not a “help” to do household chores.

I do not help my wife clean the house because I live here too and I need to clean it too.

I do not help my wife to cook because I also want to eat and I need to cook too.

I do not help my wife wash the dishes after eating because I also use those dishes.

I do not help my wife with her children because they are also my children and my job is to be a father.

I do not help my wife to wash, spread or fold clothes, because the clothes are also mine and my children.

I am not a help at home, I am part of the house. And as for praising, I asked my friend when it was the last time after his wife finished cleaning the house, washing clothes, changing bed sheets, bathing her children, cooking, organizing, etc. You said thank you

But a thank you of the type: Wow, sweetheart !!! You are fantastic!!!

Does that seem absurd to you? Are you looking strange? When you, once in a lifetime, cleaned the floor, you expected in the least, a prize of excellence with great glory … why? You never thought about that, my friend?

Maybe because for you, the macho culture has shown that everything is her job.

Perhaps you have been taught that all this must be done without having to move a finger? Then praise her as you wanted to be praised, in the same way, with the same intensity. Give her a hand, behave like a true companion, not as a guest who only comes to eat, sleep, bathe and satisfy needs … Feel at home. In his house.

The real change of our society begins in our homes, let us teach our sons and daughters the real sense of fellowship! “

He’s wrong and your friend is wrong.
My partner is just that a partner.
He works full time and I’m st home full time with the two DC. He. Ones home helps cook, and helps clean up them baths DD(2.5) And gets her to bed. He’ll also help with anything else i don’t get done through the day.

Aldo I’m not as lazy as that sounds I clean and tidy house too. We do a lot together tho to get it gone faster.

My husband is very similar to your husband, he never cooks and doesn't clean up the dishes, leaves clothes strewn about and I usually clean up his plate in the morning.

The difference is, if I asked him to do something, he would do it. I don't ask him to do the dishes because it takes him AGES. It takes me 20 minutes, he'll do it in an hour. He leaves his clothes all over, but if I ask him to pick them up, he will go and do it. I told him I don't like it when he leaves his plate, he cleans it up (he does forget sometimes).

He also has some chores, he does all the recycling (breaking down cardboard) and does the bins. He helps with the laundry and he is the only one who drives and doesn't object to anywhere I want to go.