Need advice from all wives ..

[Kav123]

I really need some advice here, I dont have a mother or sister and friends advice will be biased.
I work full time one job and part time weekend job. I am also trying to open my own business so mostly busy. I cook from Friday till Monday, as those days I can cook proper food, rest i have to travel so not possible to come home by 10 and cook. My husband mostly put beans on toast for dinner (which I have to ask for ) those 3 days or ask me to get food ordered. Once in a blue moon he will cook something then again leaves the trail of dishes in the kitchen to clean up.
My issue is that my husband doesn't seem to offer any help with household chores, if he cooks he leaves all the dishes in the sink for me to cleanup (or say i will do it tomorrow but tomorrow never comes) if eats he leaves his plates at table which i clean up in the morning, he showers and leaves clothes all over bathroom and bedroom floor, I ask him to put bins out for collection, he forgets, he has never hovered the house. He only puts the washing in if he needs something urgently but only take that one thing out to dry and leaves the rest of the clothes in the machine wet. I am constantly tired, have mile long list of things to do on my own. He has one full time job from 8-4 and get two days off a week, which he spent either visiting friends or cleaning his car.

My friend says all men are like that, so here is my question am i over reacting by bringing this up over and over to my husband attention (which causes an argument) or all husband are like that ?

Nope all men are definitely not like that.

My dh was working 7-5, cleaning up before he started and then coming home and doing anything else that needed doing. I was pottering about in between keeping on top.

Recently my health has a bit of a decline so he has changed his hours to 6-2. This way he can collect Dd from school too, on top of everything else he does.

I may sound really lazy but I do suffer from a lot of pain every day that makes these things difficult for me to do

And with regard to the cocklodger comments, you have to think through what your basic requirement is, what is the point at which you feel this would be in balance, and then give him those jobs. So it may be a bit gender divided in that he does bins and pets and car and repairs and emergency mess wiping and putting the washing through the machines when there's a lot of it, so things that happen now and then, and you do more regular daily stuff such as ironing and basic cleaning, but the important thing is that you both feel there is a fair balance.

My exH was like this. It drove me to anxiety and depression. Best thing I have ever done was leaving him.

We have 2 DC together, and if you think your life is busy now, you have no idea what's coming once you've got them!

Please LTB whilst you can. He won't improve.

His good point... I would say he wake up 5 am those 3 days when i travel to drop me to the station, he cuddles me and look after me when am depressed (I have depression too ) and make me feel better, I guess he loves me.. thats all I can think right now.

To me you sound like you're trapped. You know he's in the wrong and the bottom line is he should care enough about you to realise and you shouldn't have to nag or ask him and the fact he still doesn't help means he's just using you. You know that. Only you can make things change. If he won't listen, actions speak louder than words and imo you should be looking at a way out of the relationship. Life is too short and it doesn't sound like yours is the life you want with the man you deserve.

Angstina has nailed it, by the way.

Maybe you are depressed because you are doing too much.

Dear god @itsonlusub he is a grown up not an incapable child, you shouldn't have to bloody ask him to do chores.

What type of grown up just chucks their clothes on the floor expecting some mug to come pick them up?

and I want a husband like Angstina ...

Op - Halve your workload; get rid of the cocklodger.

Get a cat to cuddle. Or better, a teddybear (less clearing up/feeding)

Kav, I bet your depression is linked to your relationship. Get rid of him, and you'll start to feel better.

Not all men are like that. Just tell him to either hire a house keeper or clean up after himself. My husband can be a bit of a slob but it only happens when he is tired so I let it pass. I wouldn't in your situation though.

No, all husbands aren't like that. It's about the expectations you set in your relationship for how you expect to be treated.

My husband and I both work full-time (though I'm about to start mat leave) and have a school age child. When we're home, we do everything equally and if one of us is at work, the other one at home takes over doing everything 100%. My dh does the washing up twice a day (morning and evening), he shares the school runs, he does bathtime with our dd. I do most of the cooking, home work with our dd, and bedtime. When I have to work or am away travelling for work (I used to work 3 long days, so was out of the house from 5:30am to 7pm), those days he does everything. He washes his own clothes (I've never done it for it). He takes out the bins. We both share the cleaning and tidying. I am naturally more neat and tidy than he is, so I do need to tell him to pick up after himself, but that's not because he has a penis. It's just because he truly doesn't care as much about maintaining order and cleanliness in the house as I do, so he doesn't notice if something looks a mess. But he does understand that it matters to me even if it doesn't matter to him, so if I point out something needs to be done or a room needs to be tidied up, he does it. He just might not take the initiative to do it without me pointing it out because it doesn't bother him like it bothers me. But that's fine. I don't mind delegating when I need to. But no, all men aren't like that, but you'll have the sort of relationship you expect. My dh knew from when we first started dating that I'd always have a busy professional life and I expected him to share equally in housework and childcare, so that's how it is. But I think there are plenty of people (men and women) who will get away with being lazy if no one demands more of them in a relationship.

Nothing more undesirable than a lazy twat that thinks your the housekeeper.

Stop putting up with his crap.
Whatever your doing for him STOP NOW
No washing ironing cooking cleaning organising at all.
If your already out of the house that much turn a blind eye to the mess and his crap building up.
Buy yourself tea on the days he attempts food before you get home or eat out for a few days,then when you get home just say you've eaten already and get on with your own stuff.
Shut yourself in your room with a glass of wine and a book to ignore his crap.
And when he does say something about you not tidying after him tell him he has a nerve considering he's a grown man and should be ashamed of his lazy ways.
Very disrespectful of him.
If you don't call him out on it he will carry on.
I would also tell him it makes him very unnatracrive to you.

I'd also tell your friend she's a twat aswel

I can't help thinking on these threads that there are still a lot of women posting about their 'good' husbands that are kidding themselves. Because the list of things they do still looks fairly limited to me.

I can't write a list of all that dh does because it's just life. He can do and does everything I do in it and vice versa. Literally the only exception I can think of is that he can't and doesn't bf!

Anyone can be like that if they are allowed to be! In my experience the person doing the less work should be doing the most around the house regardless of gender. You need to tell him your expectations of him around the house, make a rota.

Of course some people just don't attach importance to a clean house and well cooked meals but you do so he needs to too. Best to get this sorted now before you have kids etc. Some people just need to be trained!

No not all men are like this.

And lets be honest, if any of us knew that someone else was going to do the shit work without complaining or pay, wouldn't you sit back and let it happen too?

I'm not blaming you, but you do need to stand up for yourself.

It's not help, he doesn't do it 'for you'...

He's an adult, he needs to act like one

All men are definitely not like your husband OP. My DH wouldn't dream of behaving like that, he is clean and tidy and does his fair share. He doesn't cook, or offer to, but he would if I asked him to, and it wouldn't be beans on toast (that is NOT 'cooking' - a ten year old could manage that).

If your DH isn't prepared to pull his weight then tell him to go and live back with his mother if that's the kind of relationship he wants.

You are NOT the maid!!!!

I would categorically not put up with this.
My husband and I are equal

I won't entertain 'what other husbands do' in a discussion about our household jobs. I don't care if he does more or less housework than his colleague / best mate / brother / gym buddy. There are two adults in our home, we try to do as much as each other and care for each other. Because that's our responsibility as a spouse.

Do not have children with this man. He will not change!

I think all men (and people in general) are like that if you let them. You need to have a good talk with him about doing his share or simply stop cooking, washing and cleaning up after him. I had this with an ex: I would cook and he would wash up ... but then he stopped washing up and I ended up having to wash up in order to cook, if you know what I mean. And when it was his turn to clean the bathroom ... he'd 'have to do it tomorrow as I'm busy now' and it would get left until the next time it was due to be cleaned (we both worked the same hours and same days), which of course was my turn. My DM did/does everything for my DF: he's now a lazy bastard who sits around whilst she fusses round him, feeding him, cleaning up after him, doing absolutely everything in the house. And it's been like that for 50+ years. You need to stop it NOW as the longer you leave it the less inclined he will be to care.

All men are definitely not like that! In our house I do the majority of the housework but that's because I work fewer and more regular hours than my husband. He is really tidy though so doesnt leave clothes at his backside and usually washes the dishes if I cook. He will also change the bedsheets, take the bins out, fetch logs and wash the cars.

I don't mind because he does what he can, on his one day off he generally does most of the cooking and tidying and let's me relax. He also frequently tells me how grateful he is for what I do, and I know he would do more if he was at home more.

mindutopia you are very right here. My husband will do it if i ask him to, i think he doesn't notice the mess because he is not bothered at all with it. I JUST dont want to keep asking and reminding all the time, i have other things to do too. He says he will do it tomorrow but i lose patience and for the sake of cleanliness I do it. He would do it if he sees it piling up. I dont think i have ever asked him to hover or change bed sheets or clean clothes either but If i dont do it , it will never get done by him. I think its time I tell him his share of things and have patience to let it get done by him in his own time.. He has to pull his weight I did it for far too long now..

That's really awful. Why would your husband leave you to do all this even if you worked equal hours? Why is cleaning and cooking a chore solely for you and not to be shared? Esp with you working all hours (as an aside why are you working FT, PT and setting up business). Some people don't enjoy food so don't think about it or notice difference between a proper meal and say beans on toast and have different standards of cleanliness but as soon as you say it's important to you and can you compromise and they don't then it becomes them not giving a shit and effectively saying you have lower status and your time and wellbeing and enjoyment don't matter.