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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need advice from all wives ..

129 replies

Kav123 · 19/01/2018 09:46

I really need some advice here, I dont have a mother or sister and friends advice will be biased.
I work full time one job and part time weekend job. I am also trying to open my own business so mostly busy. I cook from Friday till Monday, as those days I can cook proper food, rest i have to travel so not possible to come home by 10 and cook. My husband mostly put beans on toast for dinner (which I have to ask for ) those 3 days or ask me to get food ordered. Once in a blue moon he will cook something then again leaves the trail of dishes in the kitchen to clean up.
My issue is that my husband doesn't seem to offer any help with household chores, if he cooks he leaves all the dishes in the sink for me to cleanup (or say i will do it tomorrow but tomorrow never comes) if eats he leaves his plates at table which i clean up in the morning, he showers and leaves clothes all over bathroom and bedroom floor, I ask him to put bins out for collection, he forgets, he has never hovered the house. He only puts the washing in if he needs something urgently but only take that one thing out to dry and leaves the rest of the clothes in the machine wet. I am constantly tired, have mile long list of things to do on my own. He has one full time job from 8-4 and get two days off a week, which he spent either visiting friends or cleaning his car.

My friend says all men are like that, so here is my question am i over reacting by bringing this up over and over to my husband attention (which causes an argument) or all husband are like that ?

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 19/01/2018 11:06

Your friend is wrong. Not all husbands are like that. Mine isn't. We split up the work that needs doing in the house, both along lines of talent and preferences (I like cooking and hate laundry, so I cook, he does laundry. I have rheumatism, he's very fit, so he does maintenance, but I do the garden).

So yeah, your husband is a lazy sod who thinks you're his cleaner and he needs shaping up very quickly.

RedDogsBeg · 19/01/2018 11:06

No, not all men or husbands are like yours as you can see from all the responses.

My husband would never dream of being so disrespectful towards me to behave as yours does. Your husband is supposed to love and respect you, why would he treat you like this if he did?

I married an equal, we are a team, we believe in fairness. I would not accept anything less and neither would my husband.

zzzzz · 19/01/2018 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ptumbi · 19/01/2018 11:07

He doesn't do it because you and your ideals are not important to you.

He doesn't cook for you because he doesn't consider you at all.

He doesn' clean or hoover because he has no respect for you, becuase that's your job. On top of the FT and the PT jobs you have.

Ditch.

Original poster

Kav123 · 19/01/2018 11:08

Having said that, I do agree with most of you. I dont think my husband sees this as a partnership. for ex. our TV broke he never initiated to buy another, i had to take decision to buy another. If anything needs around house he would do anything to avoid it.. he doesnt like the sofa we have and keep complaining but would not look for another one to buy, he relies on me to do it for him (which i refused to do by saying i like it), same with bed, he wants bigger bed but wont look for it himself. Things like that make me think hmm this is your house too..

OP posts:

ptumbi · 19/01/2018 11:09

Ditch. Do not have kids with this 'man'; your workload will triple, while his will not change. Kids will be your job too.

Travis1 · 19/01/2018 11:11

That's horrendous, why are you working all those hours? Is it want or need?

My husband and I both work full time though I do close to 50 hours a week whilst he does 35 but his commute is longer than mine.

I do the cooking, he does the loading/unloading of the dishwasher, he'll also offer to cook a couple of times a week but he needs a recipe and 10 hours so this tends to be at the weekend.

He does alllllll the laundry, I couldn't tell you when I last put he washing machine on, I clean the bathroom, he does the litter trays then we pitch in for the rest of the house. When days I'm exhausted he picks up the slack and vice versa. If I'm honest he probably des more than me.

I couldn't live the way you do. You are heading for a burn out and no wonder you suffer with depression. You need someone to love and support you not someone who sees you are struggling and all they offer up is a cuddle. Cuddles are great, but practical contributions to the household are worth so much more.

restbiterepeat · 19/01/2018 11:11

Are you sure you are happy to live a life like this? He won't change. If you go on to have kids you will be tethered to this dead weight forever.

steppemum · 19/01/2018 11:11

two issues

clean up after yourself. - since when does a grown man expect someone else to pick up his dirty plate and wet towel? How old is he - 3? Pure laziness.

sharing the household chore. he sees them as being your job, he does not have to idea that if he lives in a house where the loo is used by him, then he should take turns cleaning it.

sorry, but men liek this are hard to change.
I would being by stopping doing everything for him, no washing, no dinner, no picking up stuff. if the clothes/wet towel are in your way, stick them in a heap on his side of the bed.

If you ever get to the point of a decent discussion, make a list of every single thing that needs doing round the house, and how often. Then ask him to chose 50% of the daily one, 50% of the weekly ones and 50% of the rest.

ptumbi · 19/01/2018 11:14

Op there is a fantastic article written by a man whose wife left him due to small, tiny things - leaving the dishes by the sink, the top off the toothpaste, that sort of thing.
[[https://www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html here]
Have a read. It's an eye-opener, for women and men.

ptumbi · 19/01/2018 11:15

ClickyLink

steppemum · 19/01/2018 11:18

the bottom line is, if you love someone, do you want them to have to clean up after you? If you love someone, do you think it is OK for that person to take the role of maid instead of equal partner?

Every time he sits on his backside and lets you struggle he is saying - here I love you so much that I won't even help clear the table.

Iusedtobeafreeelf · 19/01/2018 11:21

Not all husbands are like that. Get a better one!

theunsure · 19/01/2018 11:29

Mine is definitely not like that. We share all household chores and cooking etc. We do have a cleaner as we both work long hours but everything else is shared fairly. He is good at DIY and gardening and I am better at food shopping and laundry so we do have some his/hers jobs, but only because that works better for us. We are both willing to do all jobs though where needed (although I draw the line at drilling or sawing as I am terrible at it and I'd not let DH near my fav cashmere).

My ex was also fully able to do his share, so I know my DH is not a one-off! There is no way I could be with someone like that, I'd really be questioning the relationship if it was me.

Sarahh2014 · 19/01/2018 11:30

I'm not in that position but I can assure you that if I were id be having words

JaneEyre70 · 19/01/2018 11:31

You are running yourself ragged enabling a perfectly capable adult to have no responsibility. Why? He won't ever change, this is who he is - your dilema is whether you can put up with that for the rest of your life, or if you deserve an equal partner. Only you can answer that.

I'm a SAHM and my DH still helps out round the house and tidies up after himself. He values being alive .

deadringer · 19/01/2018 11:36

He is lazy, an incurable condition ime. Whatever you do, do not pick up after him, do not wash dishes that he has left, do not wash clothes that he has left on the floor. Tell him to shape up or you are going to ship out, and mean it.

BrownTurkey · 19/01/2018 11:37

He is not valuing you and he doesn't share your approach to life. Leave and let him fester alone. I also agree with a pp that you need to focus your efforts and let one thing go work wise as well as leaving him. It will help your depression. Good luck.

NoraButty · 19/01/2018 11:45

My OH used to do nothing round the house but yet he wasn't lazy or selfish. His 'issue' was that he genuinely believed he was rubbish at housework and that he'd rather not do it at all than risk disappointing me by doing it wrong or not good enough. Plus he actually thought I enjoyed it!

It's taken a long time and a bit of patience and I'll admit, I have complimented him because certainly at first he needed to hear it. I suspect his issues stem from when he lived with his mum and were deep rooted, she is very critical. I started asking him to do jobs I particularly hated or was rubbish at myself e.g. Changing the bed, loading the dishwasher, cleaning the sinks. Over time these have become HIS jobs and he actually doesn't like it if I have a go at it myself. FWIW my OH has become a happier person by feeling useful.

Just saying, don't write him off just yet. Give him a job to do and see where it leads.

Dungeondragon15 · 19/01/2018 11:46

Did your DH live by himself before you were married, OP or did he, by any chance live with his mother who did everything for him. If the later, then I think it will be hard to change him but you could perhaps try before leaving. My DH is not that good at doing housework which is (I think) due to the fact that he has low standards (in my opinion). I get around that by leaving all the cooking to him as he doesn't want to starve. I'm not saying you should try that as your DH presumably can't cook but perhaps just write a list of things that need doing and ask him what division would be fair in his opinion. He may find it harder to not pull his weight if he was the one who agreed to doing certain tasks. If he feels that you doing all housework is fair then you really should consider leaving.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 19/01/2018 11:46

Whoopdedoo! He gets up at 5am to take you to the station, but YOU'RE up too at that time and actually going to work.
and he gives you cuddles? Hoo-bloody-ray.

I'm not surprised you're depressed, I'd be pretty unhappy if I had to put up with half of the crap that you lumbered with.

Seriously, you're obviously a capable woman who holds down 2 jobs plus a 3rd job as someone's dogsbody. Surely you deserve better than this.

Please please don't have children with this man becuase it can only get worse. He won't change

Justanothernameonthepage · 19/01/2018 11:53

Even my 3yr old DS does more than that! No, not all men are like that (and it sounds as though your friend has a really low opinion of men).
My DH does the bins, cooks one night a week (I like cooking so don't mind). He organises bills and DIY. We split the cleaning.

Trinity66 · 19/01/2018 11:59

Not all men are like that no, my ex(part of the reason why he's an ex lol) and my dad were but my DH isn't, in our house whoever gets home first cooks, we all help to clean up afterwards, we both do washing etc

Halfdrankbrew · 19/01/2018 12:00

I've posted a similar thread on here and also moaned on Facebook. On here everyone said no way, he's lazy ltb etc but my Facebook (so rl friends) all said "that's men for you". My own mother laughs and says "you married him, he's a man!!".

My husband does do long hours though and does the cooking. If he didn't cook I'm not sure what I'd do, moan more?

He also does the annoying thing where he just washes/dries his own clothes oh and he's never hoovered ever. My husband actually drops things on the floor, clothes, rubbish whatever, I lost my shit and questioned who he thought picked it up and also whether he had any respect for me? After months of fallouts he's slightly better and he now puts the dish washer on before he goes to work, some progress at least...!!

We've only been married 18 months, I blame his mother for allowing him to get away with it after he moved back home after uni.

Trinity66 · 19/01/2018 12:01

His 'issue' was that he genuinely believed he was rubbish at housework and that he'd rather not do it at all than risk disappointing me by doing it wrong or not good enough. Plus he actually thought I enjoyed it!

ah stop do you really believe that excuse though?

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