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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH not to get up before 6am?

153 replies

Millybingbong · 18/01/2018 07:13

DH gets up at 6am on weekdays to get ready for work. He leaves 0650 -700 and is at his desk for 8.

Most days he wakes me and the 2yo and occasionally the 4 and 5yo. Our get up time is 0730 and on weekends and holidays we all sleep to then. 2yo generally whines for an hour calling his father.

When He gets stressed at work he starts setting the alarm earlier and earlier so it all kicks off earlier. He avoids me if I try to discuss it with me.

(For completeness I should say he gets home 5pm two days a week to relive nanny although it is possible for him to work evenings On email etc)

Is it unfair for me to request he doesn't wake the household earlier than our previously agreed early time?

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 19/01/2018 19:50

Dh had a pillow alarm clock and is threatened with pain of death if he waked the kids

Weezol · 19/01/2018 19:52

If you have an agreement that 6am is the earliest reasonable time for the alarm to go off, he us breaking that agreement and that's the first problem.

The second, larger problem is that it sounds as if he's deliberately depriving himself of sleep which will not help his stress at all - it will worsen it.
There's a good chance it will lead to him becoming physically unwell.

Could you frame it as a concern for his health? Suggest it is better he sticks to the agreement instead of potentially being off work or underperforming because he's unfit through exhaustion, that kind of thing.

Frazzled2207 · 19/01/2018 19:59

I think Yabu. However we both have occasional very early starts in this house and it's perfectly possible for us to only barely disturb each other and not disturb the children at all (unless they are in the bed with us that morning to be fair- there's quite often one, or sometimes two 😳)

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 19/01/2018 20:05

YANBU, he sounds like an inconsiderate arse! If he's waking the DC he needs to reign it in - if he can't then he needs to get up later and just get ready faster. He also needs a vibrating alarm so he doesn't wake you.

Sunnyjac · 19/01/2018 20:13

I don’t understand the problem. He should get up at six, and creep around quietly so that he doesn’t wake the rest of you. If he is not creeping around then that’s the problem. I would find it rude in the extreme for my DH to unnecessarily wake the rest of the household

StealthPolarBear · 19/01/2018 20:57

"Yesterday 07:41 Soubriquet

How and why is he waking all of you up?

My gf starts work at 5 so she usually gets up at 4, and my dh starts work at 6 so he usually gets up at 4 too so he spends a bit of time with Gf before going to work.".
Sorry nothing to do with OP but I'm hating to know what gf stands for!

seven201 · 19/01/2018 21:10

My dh's alarm goes off at 5.25. Sometimes it wakes me up and often I'm quick to go back to sleep but some days it takes me ages or I end up reading in bed in a bit of a grump until my alarm at 6.30. He sneaks around the house so he doesn't wake dd. He has woken her a few times then been able to bugger off.

I think you need to look for ways he could be quieter eg a vibrating alarm that goes under his pillow, slippers to help muffle his stomping around. He should be trying to be as quiet as possible.

Ethylred · 19/01/2018 21:19

Wow, you sound like a supportive treasure OP.

Original poster
Millybingbong · 19/01/2018 22:09

In what respect ethelred ? Because i am trying to ensure my DH, myself and my kids get enough sleep??

OP posts:
Original poster
Millybingbong · 19/01/2018 22:13

That aside we've had a good chat tonight - he cooked and laid the table nicely while I was still at work.
He sees it from my point of view and knows that avoiding the subject was not cool but he was hoping I wouldn't notice. He too wishes I slept better. He agreed that it is possible he does disturb dc. He also admitted that he is working more than he wants and wants tobreak that cycle.

So all is well except that i am still knackered

OP posts:
Friedgreen · 19/01/2018 23:20

He might find it less stressful to wake earlier and give himself more time to prepare in the morning. I wake at 5am for my 8am start and the first hour lets me get ready in a relaxing way.

Weezol · 19/01/2018 23:20

I'm so glad that you talked and that he wants to break the sleep/stress/work cycle.

It's easy to get sucked in by the workaholic culture - I did it in my younger years and when I stopped, my health and well being improved significantly in just a couple of months.

petbear · 19/01/2018 23:21

Separate bedrooms not an option?

Katherine2626 · 20/01/2018 17:40

Why don't you get up with him and make a cup of tea/coffee for you both? When he is gone you could have some downtime hopefully without the children . It would only be an hour - he sounds stressed and like he needs some support

Maireadplastic · 20/01/2018 18:05

OP, my husband gets up at 5.35 so that he can be at work for 7am. He is a teacher so doesn't need to do this but, like me, likes to be settled and prepared. He, fortunately, is quiet as a mouse and I often don't hear his quiet phone alarm.

It also means my morning getting there boys to school and myself to work, is very streamlined. Occasionally I resent the fact that the moment I get up, I'm 'on', whereas he gets a quiet morning alone....but I'm glad I'm not the one getting up at 5am!

Pumpkinbell · 20/01/2018 18:11

My husband gets up at 4 for a 5;45 start i wouldnt dream of asking him not to get up at that time, just maybe to do it a little quieter. Sorry millybingbong but i think you are being unreasonable.!!! Surely youd be complaining if he didnt want to get up for work!!!! Sorry but in this case you cant have your cake and eat it.

jayne1976 · 20/01/2018 18:28

Maybe he would just like to get his working day done in one go, not come home and start again. So he could come home have a bit of time to relax after a stressful day and spend some time with his family?

DeniseRoyal · 20/01/2018 18:35

How is he waking the whole house?? Me and OH both work in the same place on opposite shifts. We have a long commute so whoever is working is up by 5am. No one else gets woken up. We creep around, no tv or radio on,and leave the house by 5.45. Job done.

Original poster
Millybingbong · 20/01/2018 18:36

Some people aren't very nuanced on here.

It isn't a choice between getting up earlier than early or being unemployed is it?

Also rtft

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 20/01/2018 20:26

"I think he is over tired and I know he s stressed by work for a specific medium term reason"

"Funnily enough I get the best sleep in with the baby as he wakes less if someone is in there and I'm not disturbed by his rolling over etc"

Given those two things : would it be worth considering that until this medium-term reason for his extra stress comes to an end, then the default sleeping arrangement is that you sleep in with the baby? That way he can pick his getting up time to be before 6am, but it does not disturb you. It's not ideal, but as a temporary arrangement, could it work for you?

Abbylee · 21/01/2018 04:30

I think that lots of posters are not getting the question. They agreed on a time, he's not abiding to it. Worse, he's not being quiet. It's hurting the family.

I have a chronic illness, i was a sahm, unfortunately (Very!) I'm unable to return to work. Bc of this, i was insisting upon getting up with dh, making lunch to take, etc. He could see that it wasn't helping my health. He recently insisted that i stay in bed most mornings. He has figured out how to be silent and stealthy so i don't really wake up.

He chose this on his own bc i was too tired. I was getting up/ tired bc i wanted to help him. ( I know that I'm always "boasting" about 30 years of marriage here; but it's not really a brag. It's been a long, difficult journey, I'm mostly saying "I have decades of experience.")
We have learned that taking care of each other is a significant part of our relationship. Maybe bc it's what you do if you love your partner.

So, no, OP, asking for dp to be more stealthy for health and well being of his family is healthy and beneficial for the entire family.Flowers

monstiebags · 21/01/2018 08:52

I hope that you go to work too. This poor man is already compromising his work by having to be at home twice a week for the au pair. you are very lucky that you don't have to be at work so early but you sound like a control freak. Why do you have to 'agree' what time he gets up?
The most you can do is ask him to be quieter. Lots of children get up really early - perhaps you are being unreasonable expecting to lie in bed when everyone else is awake and ready to get on?

LoveBeingAMum555 · 21/01/2018 09:11

If he is being really quiet then yes I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. However we don't know what your day involves and I assume you work as well if you have a nanny. You might have a very long day and need a bit more time in bed which puts a different slant on it.

I am a morning person and will get up early to go to the gym before work. DH hates getting up and I get ready in the bathroom, bag packed the night before, lights on as little as possible, out the door in 20 minutes. I never wake anyone up. When our children were small I would get up with them anyway, even on a weekend because it suited me.

Sounds like it could be one of those things that can get blown out of proportion and its obviously causing tension between you. Maybe DH being stressed isn't helping? You need to talk to him.

Lovesagin · 21/01/2018 09:22

I think yabu, but only because my dp would never try to 'control', for want of a better word, the times i get up with agreements etc. I'm an adult and can get up whenever the Jeff I like!

bigsighall · 21/01/2018 09:59

I feel your pain. My oh gets up at 530 every day and every fucking day he wakes me up (he really tries to be quiet but I’m a light sleeper). He also takes an hour to get ready and I have no idea what he does. It gives me the absolute rage!!
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