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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH not to get up before 6am?

153 replies

Millybingbong · 18/01/2018 07:13

DH gets up at 6am on weekdays to get ready for work. He leaves 0650 -700 and is at his desk for 8.

Most days he wakes me and the 2yo and occasionally the 4 and 5yo. Our get up time is 0730 and on weekends and holidays we all sleep to then. 2yo generally whines for an hour calling his father.

When He gets stressed at work he starts setting the alarm earlier and earlier so it all kicks off earlier. He avoids me if I try to discuss it with me.

(For completeness I should say he gets home 5pm two days a week to relive nanny although it is possible for him to work evenings On email etc)

Is it unfair for me to request he doesn't wake the household earlier than our previously agreed early time?

OP posts:
strawberrypenguin · 18/01/2018 07:47

He is unreasonable waking everyone up especially if he is getting up earlier and earlier.
Also if he wakes the 2yo at 6 and they won’t go back to sleep he should be getting them up and sorted too

expatinscotland · 18/01/2018 07:47

Why is he waking the whole house? I was able to get up myself, take shower, eat breakfast, get ready and leave in a 2-bed flat and not wake anyone. DH can, too.

MiniCooperLover · 18/01/2018 07:47

PS my DH gets up at 5.15 and I used to get furious if DS (now 6) woke up but I knew DH wasn't doing it deliberately. He's very stealthy now and I rarely hear him leave. Why is your DH not trying to be stealthy?

yesAndHo · 18/01/2018 07:49

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Dipitydoda · 18/01/2018 07:49

I have the perfect solution. You get a job which means that you’re the breadwinner, he can stay and deal with the kids so he’s not stressed at work. Everyone’s happy yeah?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 18/01/2018 07:50

I don't think you are looking at the right compromise here. If he needs to be up at whatever time; to go and work, he needs to be up - it doesn't really matter if he can work 9-5; if he wouldn't get everything done in that time or has meetings or whatever.

The compromise needs to be around his behaviour when he's awake. How he can do everything quieter; and how you can teach the kids to sleep through some minor noise. That way; whether he needs to be up at 4am or 7am, it's not impacting on the rest of you.

Sparkletastic · 18/01/2018 07:50

The groaning, not using a quiet alarm and stamping about are very unreasonable. Sounds like he's straying into martyr territory - particularly since you are getting yourself and 3 children up and out. I would tell him that if he needs to get up before 6 he can sleep on the sofa.

ChasedByBees · 18/01/2018 07:51

What specifically is he doing that wakes you all? He needs to be quieter.

humblesims · 18/01/2018 07:51

I dont think its reasonable to ask him not to get up. It will only add to stress lying in bed until the appointed hour.... But it is very reasonable to insist he doesnt wake the rest of you up. That is very inconsiderate. Tell him to go quietly. If he doesnt then I would react by getting up at the same time as him and getting the kids up too so that you are all up and getting in his face. Or maybe talking like grownup might do it but it sounds like one of you isnt a grown up. Not sure which of you though.

Lizzie48 · 18/01/2018 07:51

Both my BILs leave early in the morning. My DH's DB leaves before anyone is up; they managed to train their 5 DCs not to get up. My DSis's DH used to get up at 6am and the DCs would wake up too, but he would actually give them their breakfast while DSis got up and dressed. He really is a keeper. Smile

My DH doesn't get up before 7am but then he only has a 10 minute drive to work. Thy have much longer journeys.

You need to talk through what works best. If he wants to get up, he should either not wake you all up or maybe give the DCs their breakfast whilst having his own? He shouldn't be stomping around waking you all up and then leaving you to cope.

stickytoffeevodka · 18/01/2018 07:54

I still think it's massively unreasonable to tell him he can't get up early to get work done.

Yes you're a family but he also has to work. I wouldn't want to get home from work, look after the kids (you say he has to be home at 5 sometimes to relieve the nanny), do dinner, bath and bed, then sit back down at a computer to carry on working. I'd want my evening free to relax after a busy day.

Lots of people work better in the mornings, and maybe if he doesn't have his evenings free from work, he doesn't get as much sleep because he stays awake stressing.

Tell him he needs to get a vibrating alarm and be quiet, but other than that I don't think it's your business when he gets up for work so long as it's not causing you to be late.

CaptainHarville · 18/01/2018 07:56

Is there any chance of taking it in turns as to who gets the kids ready? Perhaps if he experienced it from your perspective he'd get it.

girlwhowearsglasses · 18/01/2018 07:57

God you must all be super deep sleepers. If anyone in this house even goes to the toilet after 5am everyone wakes up. It’s not a small house, but it has old floorboards. A tall man is virtually incapable of not stomping unless he’s a ballet dancer IMHO.

Op I think youngster deeper issues to think about - sounds like he has some stress and is maybe waking even earlier and perhaps falling back to sleep near alarm time? Is this possible? Also is he maybe spending more time working because he’s stressed about it. This may be a self fulfilling prophecy for him.

I do think you need a date night and a proper chat away from the kids. Planning and strategy meeting if you will we do this - we go out for dinner but we do bring notes and talk practicalities as well as how we’re feeling. Especially as it’s January - why not have a ‘state of the nation’ 2018 meal? This is my New Years resolution and I’ve talked properly to a few people in my life about things I’ve been brooding on. It’s a great relief.

He maybe needs some trading at work on ways to reduce stress or maybe there’s a particular issue that needs addressing? I agree that one man does not need more than an hour to get ready in the morning. I do that with three children and usually put washing machine, dryer on, empty dishwasher, have a bath and feed cats and dog as well! I sometimes get breakfast and have a poo too Grin

Nanna50 · 18/01/2018 08:08

I take your point about it being his right to get up when he chooses but in fact when you have kids life isn't really like that is it? You look at the totality of the tasks required I the household and come up with an approach to fit I all in.

So how come it's you who decides when everyone should get up, why can't you get up earlier?

Spartaca · 18/01/2018 08:09

Of course it isn't unreasonable to ask that one member of the family take steps to not disturb the rest of them. Even if he is going to work

k2p2k2tog · 18/01/2018 08:11

YABU. 6am is a "normal" time to get up and go to work. He obviously feels he needs to be in at 8am and that being there early gives him the flexibility to be HOME at 5pm - not leaving work at 5pm. You can't have it both ways. If he's getting up later and not arriving until 9am, he won't be getting home by 5.

PurplePotatoes · 18/01/2018 08:16

Would the 2yr old get into bed with you for an hour once he's been woken?

It is hard. I get up at 5.40 for work. DS would sleep through anything but the minute I open my bedroom door DD4 is out of her room like a shot so it does depend on the kids. I do take her down with me though I wouldn't expect DH to sort her out at that time.

Antigonads · 18/01/2018 08:16

Not waking up to his own alarm clock would give me the rage.

So it wakes you then you wake him? Sack that for a game of soldiers. He needs to sort that out.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/01/2018 08:16

It isn't the time that's the problem, it's the fact he's making enough noise to wake you. That's what needs sorting out.
My dh gets up an hour before the rest of us, but we don't hear a thing. Alarm just for him, clothes laid out and gets dressed as far away from bedrooms as possible, goes out side door, no shoes until steps outside etc etc

Dishwashersaurous · 18/01/2018 08:16

Dreams about job that allows someone to be home at five. And wonders how on earth you do the morning routine and get out the door on time if you only get up at half seven

Frouby · 18/01/2018 08:17

Dp used to wake ds up. New rule was imposed. You wake him, you take him.

Soon learnt him to be quiet in a morning. Dp is nearly 6ft and a big bloke. We have creaky floorboards outside our room. A few mornings dealing with ds instead of sat staring at skysports news and drinking coffee soon made him discover it's easier for everyone to avoid the creaky floorboards, get his stuff ready downstairs and use the downstairs loo for his teeth and a wash.

Sofabitch · 18/01/2018 08:19

Depends i get up at 6.30 and leave at 7.30 and always get to work an hour early if not I can't park and tbh I like a calm hour before my day starts to have a coffee and gather my thkughtd and plan my day

Chickoletta · 18/01/2018 08:29

I don't think the time is the issue but the noise or whatever is waking you. My DH is a vet and frequently gets up and goes out at all hours of the night - most of the time none of us even realise he's gone. It's possible to get ready for work without waking the whole household!

wysteriafloribunba · 18/01/2018 08:33

'YABU. 6am is a "normal" time to get up and go to work. He obviously feels he needs to be in at 8am and that being there early gives him the flexibility to be HOME at 5pm - not leaving work at 5pm. You can't have it both ways. If he's getting up later and not arriving until 9am, he won't be getting home by 5.'

This ^

whattoweartomorrow · 18/01/2018 08:33

My DH gets up at 6.30 two nights a week, 5.30 one night and 8am the other. He has clothes laid out in a room downstairs on the early nights, uses a vibrating alarm on his watch and is up, showered and out in 30 minutes.

I absolutely moaned when he was waking me, even though it's because he has a long commute and not his fault, because it was unnecessary and inconsiderate and he wasn't even trying, it was just the alarm on his phone. The vibrating alarm is much easier.

He needs to be ensuring he doesn't wake the household: once he does that he can get up at any time he chooses. It sounds like he might resent you staying in bed and is moaning/grunting/making noises so you know he's up and working hard when you're not:

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