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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH not to get up before 6am?

153 replies

Millybingbong · 18/01/2018 07:13

DH gets up at 6am on weekdays to get ready for work. He leaves 0650 -700 and is at his desk for 8.

Most days he wakes me and the 2yo and occasionally the 4 and 5yo. Our get up time is 0730 and on weekends and holidays we all sleep to then. 2yo generally whines for an hour calling his father.

When He gets stressed at work he starts setting the alarm earlier and earlier so it all kicks off earlier. He avoids me if I try to discuss it with me.

(For completeness I should say he gets home 5pm two days a week to relive nanny although it is possible for him to work evenings On email etc)

Is it unfair for me to request he doesn't wake the household earlier than our previously agreed early time?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 18/01/2018 10:14

My DH often had to get up at Ridiculous O'Clock

He very, very rarely woke me. He knew to keep very quiet, got dressed downstairs and left without banging the door.

It is possible.

LoniceraJaponica · 18/01/2018 10:14

“What is he doing for over an hour?”

Believe it or not some people like to eat breakfast before they go to work, and often it kick starts the bowels. 20 minutes wouldn’t be sufficient time to get up, shower, eat breakfast, go to the loo etc.

I have IBS and need sufficient time in the morning to feel comfortable before I go to work.

BFG273662 · 18/01/2018 10:14

Another benefit of seperate bedrooms in my house! No snoring and no being woken up at 5.30am every day! Bliss. i don’t hear him at all now

lottiegarbanzo · 18/01/2018 10:14

Sounds really annoying. I'd be a lot less tolerant of being woken up at 6am every day - if i didn't need to be awake until after 7 and it was an adult, rather than a child waking me early - than you are.

Earlier than 6 is horrendous and would have a very negative effect on my ability to function for the rest of the day.

I am an owl, DP a lark. You sound similar, so I do understand.

You both have busy days to get through. My view is that a bit of larkishness, and owlishness, within agreed parameters, is helpful to the individual and can be organised to help the family function better too.

For example, if the lark is responsible for any wakeful dc until the point they leave for work, then, if you have any larkish dc, it's an advantage to the other parent not to have to wake to deal with them. (Doesn't sound like early waking DC would be an issue for you, if they weren't woken up though. Given that, he should definitely be dealing with them! DP used to manage it with our lark dd, while getting ready for work, then bring her in to me as he left, it is very possible). Your DP getting home at 5pm and taking over is another example.

How is he waking everyone though? Are there measures that could be put in place to avoid that? Are your halls carpeted? Does he wear shoes indoors and stomp around the house? Is the bathroom extractor or plumbing especially noisy? Does he forget to shut the door to the bathroom or kitchen when he's in there? Does he talk or make noises? Dress noisily, clanking belt buckles around etc? He needs to perfect the 'silent slither' out of bed, noiseless dressing in another room, quiet shower and breakfast - and no banging the front door.

YANBU.

MTBMummy · 18/01/2018 10:16

This is a bug bear of mine, I get up at 5:30. I need to as I have a long commute, and start early so that I can finish early so I get to see the kids in the evening. I somehow manage to get up, get ready and make coffee for DP in bed without waking up the whole house.

But last year when DP woke shifts, he'd wake the whole house up, I don't know if it's a male thing or just inconsiderate, but he's so heavy footed

lottiegarbanzo · 18/01/2018 10:22

Thing is, I would never describe DP as light-footed, in fact the opposite. Yet somehow, he managed this.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/01/2018 10:53

Also, I do agree that focusing on his stress, workload and ways of managing these is relevant.

It could be that early mornings are his 'comfort blanket' time when he feels he's getting lots done with no-one else around, so he turns to these when stressed, to give himself a sense of control. (I do this with late nights sometimes). But, if his alarm isn't waking him, it's not working. He's getting over-tired and will be less productive throughout his working day and week.

Are there other times he can fit in the work - lunch time, work later on the days he's not coming home for 5pm? Or, by taking better care of himself and his sleep, can he be more productive with the time he has? it sounds like he's stuck in a habit, which isn't actually working for him any more.

SoTotallyOverThis · 18/01/2018 11:00

I don’t think you can ask him not to get up.

But you can ask / help him be organised to minimise disruption:

Have work clothes (including cuff links / ties etc) looked out
Change in room away from you / children
Shower night before
Have bag packed / keys / wallet in one consistent place
Don’t hit snooze

lottiegarbanzo · 18/01/2018 13:27

Another thought but could you frame the challenge of getting up and out quietly as something more positive and exciting than 'don't annoy me'? Maybe as being like one of those burglary scenes in a heist film, where they have to worm through lasers, avoid cameras, make no noise and leave no trace?

I think part of our training may have been staying in hostels with shared dorms, where people can sometimes make their irritation quite clear and, where one has plenty of opportunity to experience the irritations of early rising plastic bag rustlers, in-room dressers, light switchers on, stage-whisper talkers etc oneself, as whatever your preferred sleeping pattern, someone in the room will be the opposite and they may well be very inconsiderate.

So, maybe a weekend away to a hostel, or at least imagining that scenario and how to avoid being the anti-social one who everyone else despises. Imagining you and the DCs as big, snory, slightly hungover blokes might help?

lottiegarbanzo · 18/01/2018 13:29

Oh yes and no noise-making alarms that would wake everyone else - and the smallest noise will - in a hostel (or a heist).

Any alarm would have be a non-annoying noise and switched off immediately.

Trinity66 · 18/01/2018 13:56

If he wakes the whole house when getting up then no YANBU imo

C8H10N4O2 · 18/01/2018 14:08

What happens when you point out to him that you manage to get yourself and three under 5s ready in the time he has a poo and cereal?

This is silly, he needs to be more considerate when he gets up and not disrupt the whole house's sleep. Unless you are all sharing a bedroom this is entirely possible.

If a door creaks he needs to get it fixed. Stomping and groaning are simply not necessary. A vibrating alarm on his wrist and a phone vibrator under the pillow should stop the children waking even if you still wake up.

At the moment he is prioritising his needs and work over everyone else's. That is not fair

Pigeonpost · 18/01/2018 16:29

My DH gets up at 5am 3-4 mornings a week to go cycling (before work). He doesn't wake me up or any of the kids. Not sure what yours is doing which wakes you up! Can he not be more considerate?

TrinitySquirrel · 18/01/2018 16:33

My 'D'H has just changed his shifts so he has to be up at 4.30am. I am not bloody happy with it at all considering I'm up until the last feed at 11.30pm and the again at 3am & 6am.

He will soon be sleeping on the couch of a weekday or an air bed. It's not fair on me or our 7m old son and especially as he didn't even mention changing his hours until 3 days after it started Angry

Original poster
Millybingbong · 18/01/2018 19:19

Some really helpful responses here and a few that are just labelling DH as useless which isn't much use and in some cases some extrapolation of the facts as presented.

Special thanks to lottie as the posts were good perspective. The long and short of it is that i am a light sleeper an he is less so.

I feel like I Have had grief for 'micromanaging" DH when I said pre 6 am starts are not great for him either. A distinct lack of people considering that rest and relaxation is good for everyone. I think he is over tired and I know he s stressed by work for a specific medium term reason but there is something about boundaries and protecting yourself from and ever growing heap of work. says I sitting at a work event

OP posts:
soberexpat · 18/01/2018 19:23

My DH gets up at 5.20 every day to swim. Then works in home office from 6. I get up at 630.

His alarm often wakes me up which is hugely annoying, I've started wearing earplugs and putting my alarm closer to my head. It's working.

Original poster
Millybingbong · 18/01/2018 22:18

Well we had a brief discussion about this but not resolved. He is not really engaging in the issue, reckons the baby wakes up by coincidence and is sorry that I wake up...
And then changes the subject.
I'm too tired to do it all now so we will start from the top in the morning

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 19/01/2018 10:52

Good luck. Can you focus it on your needs, rather than on him - so you need enough sleep to be able to function, this means not being woken before a certain time, how can that be achieved?

I see his point about 'managing him' but again, perhaps it's about enforcing your boundaries and letting him work out to manage himself, without encroaching on those. Any conversation about sympathy for his stress, workload and making him and everyone feel happier, could be separate.

As it is, he's acting as the boss of you, enforcing a waking-up time that doesn't suit you, or get you through your day. Negative interference / micro-management, not even thinking about your interests.

scatterbrainedlass · 19/01/2018 10:57

My dh gets up at either 3.30am or 5am depending on which job he's at. He rarely wakes me, and never wakes the children. He puts all his clothes ready in the bathroom the night before so when he wakes up he uses his phone to light his way to the bathroom, gets ready in there and then once he's downstairs he's not likely to disturb anyone unless he starts crashing about and slamming doors.

callmeadoctor · 19/01/2018 18:12

Im guessing that you can't sleep elsewhere perhaps? (Not in a different house though LOL). Is it possible for a change round of bedrooms, so he can sleep in a single room perhaps till the children are older?

callmeadoctor · 19/01/2018 18:13

I would be sorely tempted to put you and maybe a child share with you and he can go in a single room so as not to disturb you all.

Original poster
Millybingbong · 19/01/2018 19:34

If he goes in another room it leaves me with all the night wakings which doesn't feel great either. Currently we roughly share it out.

Funnily enough I get the best sleep in with the baby as he wakes less if someone is in there and I'm not disturbed by his rolling over etc

OP posts:
raindropsandsunshine · 19/01/2018 19:41

YABU to expect him to wake up later when it doesn't suit him. However HIBU to be noisy, if that's the case. I'm up early and first up most mornings. I can get lots done and 99% ready for work without waking up anyone else.

raindropsandsunshine · 19/01/2018 19:43

Isn't it healthier to wake up early? You mention it's not good for him, 6am is hardly the middle of the night, it's a good time to get up and get things done, I enjoy it, albeit more so in the summer months. I don't know many families who are up much later than that, to be honest.

MaisyPops · 19/01/2018 19:44

He gets up to go to work. YABU to expect him to get up later.

I don't HAVE to be at school until 830am. I'm often in work for 730am. It means i get more done and i can have my evenings more to myself. I prefet going to the gym before work too.

He shouldn't be being noisy but YABU to expect him to chanhe his working pattern because you don't want the hassle.