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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask DH not to get up before 6am?

153 replies

Millybingbong · 18/01/2018 07:13

DH gets up at 6am on weekdays to get ready for work. He leaves 0650 -700 and is at his desk for 8.

Most days he wakes me and the 2yo and occasionally the 4 and 5yo. Our get up time is 0730 and on weekends and holidays we all sleep to then. 2yo generally whines for an hour calling his father.

When He gets stressed at work he starts setting the alarm earlier and earlier so it all kicks off earlier. He avoids me if I try to discuss it with me.

(For completeness I should say he gets home 5pm two days a week to relive nanny although it is possible for him to work evenings On email etc)

Is it unfair for me to request he doesn't wake the household earlier than our previously agreed early time?

OP posts:

Aridane · 18/01/2018 08:34

If he needs to work more then he works in evenings. I don't think it is good for him to also get up earlier.

YABVU - your are not his (micro) manager or mother.

However, he needs to be quieter!

Flowerpot1234 · 18/01/2018 08:35

tabulahrasa · 18/01/2018 08:43

You can't dictate what time another adult gets up at... you can quite rightly insist though, that he doesn't wake up the rest of you doing it.

That's the bit that's an issue, he needs to sort out how to get up without disturbing everyone else.

gabsdot · 18/01/2018 08:45

Ds and I get up at 6am each morning to go to an activity before school. I leave my clothes out the night before and get dressed in the dark. I only rarely wake up DH and never wake DD.
It is possible to get up and our quietly.
If your husband is clattering about singing in the shower having a noisy breakfast then he is BVU.

Original poster

Millybingbong · 18/01/2018 08:54

I seem to need to clarify that he does get up at 6 and I am not having an issue with that. It is the prepping earlier that gets on my wick.

It is not a great idea for him to also get the kids up as he needs to get on and out. And once I'm awake I'm awake so pointless too

OP posts:

extinctspecies · 18/01/2018 08:58

My DH often has to get up earlier than me or the kids.

He is careful to be quiet and not to disturb us.

Sometimes I do wake up, but usually I go back to sleep.

Ask your DH to try & be quieter, and also I think you will find if you change your own attitude to be less resentful you will find it easier to go back to sleep.

Lizzie48 · 18/01/2018 09:17

He clearly needs to do it more quietly and not wake the DCs up in that case, if he insists that it's the only way he can cope with the stress. A quieter alarm possibly?

I think a compromise is needed here. Hope you work it out.

yesAndHo · 18/01/2018 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FoofFighter · 18/01/2018 09:28

Very clear to me that he is leaving the house earlier than needed to avoid having to be a parent and sort out the children with you before you both leave for work. Unfair.

MsGameandWatching · 18/01/2018 09:28

I have the perfect solution. You get a job which means that you’re the breadwinner, he can stay and deal with the kids so he’s not stressed at work. Everyone’s happy yeah?

What a twatty post. Op has a job of equal seniority to her DH AND she gets the kids ready and to school/childcare every morning.

FoofFighter · 18/01/2018 09:29

Very clear to me that he is leaving the house earlier than needed to avoid having to be a parent and sort out the children with you before you both leave for work.

strikingstarlet · 18/01/2018 09:36

OP you have near enough the same age gap as me with your DC and it's bloody hard work, time when they are sleeping is priceless and I can completely relate why you would be frustrated if it was cut short needlessly.

I think posters are forgetting that you also work and have to get 3 children to get ready and out in the mix that im itself isn't a fair balance.

Also to everyone saying you can't dictate what time your partner sets an alarm and gets up, atm the OP's DP is doing exactly that directly or indirectly, he chooses when the house alarm goes off, stomps around the house not even trying to be quiet and wakes everyone up...

I do wonder if it's a case of sour grapes ie if I'm having to get up at this time so is everyone else.

OP With a baby, two other kids and your own job I'm afraid I would be quite harsh and showing him where the sofa is if he can't be more considerate of your routine and what you also have on your plate.

ButchyRestingFace · 18/01/2018 09:41

If he needs to work more then he works in evenings. I don't think it is good for him to also get up earlier

You simply can’t micromanage someone else’s sleep routine in this way.

He needs to be quieter and more considerate when he does get up. But whether that’s 6am or 5am is none of your beeswax.

Chathamhouserules · 18/01/2018 09:41

My dh started setting his alarm for 5.30 am so he could get a run in. I told him to stop it as I didn't want to wake up at 5.30 every day. I can't get back to sleep at that time. And he used to wake the dc when he closed the front door. So I'm very sympathetic to you.
I think 6 is reasonable unless there's no way he can get his work done unless he's up earlier. And he has to be quieter!

jaseyraex · 18/01/2018 09:45

I get where you're coming from OP as I'm a horrendous sleeper and DH wakes me when he gets up at 4.45 each morning. Our house is old and creaky so just walking to the bathroom wakes me and sometimes our 2 year old will wake. He puts his work clothes in the bathroom the night before so he can get up, get ready and go. It takes him fifteen minutes to go max. He grabs breakfast at work. The less time he spends faffing about in the morning, the more likely it is that we can go back to sleep. Could he try that? Just doing what is necessary in the morning and getting breakfast at work? You really can't dictate what time he gets up at though, even 6am is not that early.

PuppyMonkey · 18/01/2018 09:48

Yes he has every right to get up earlier than 6am if he wants, but he has to take the consequences and sort any kids he also wakes up due to being so crap and noisy. Them's the rules, OP.

Mrsramsayscat · 18/01/2018 09:53

I’m not sure some of these responses are fair to the OP.

So you both have full time jobs and three kids. You do the morning childcare and he does two evening pickups. He doesn’t immediately get up when he sets his alarm earlier than you agreed. He avoids you if you try to discuss it.

I think he isn’t being fair to you. I would insist on a proper conversation about it. I also agree he should deal with the children if he wakes them. He won’t like it and he’ll say it isn’t possible. It is though- you manage it.

RhiannonOHara · 18/01/2018 09:58

yesAndHo, no, they've agreed that 6am is the best compromise for everyone, but when he's busy/stressed about work he starts setting the alarm earlier than that, so there's a time creep.

ReanimatedSGB · 18/01/2018 09:59

I think part of the problem is that the wretched man sets his alarm earlier, sleeps through it and relies on it waking OP so she can get him up in time. This is making it very much OP's problem - and, as a PP said, all the groaning and stamping does sound a bit like 'Look how hard I work, look how I suffer, nobody else is going to be allowed to sleep when I am up...'.

Though, to give him the benefit of the doubt, if he is under a lot of stress at work, it could be that he is struggling to sleep and this is what the getting-up-earlier-and-earlier is about.

CiderwithBuda · 18/01/2018 10:02

Absolutely fine for him to get up early.

Not fine to set alarm which wakes you and then not wake up himself.
Not fine to make noise and wake children.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 18/01/2018 10:03

If my DP has to get up before me he is not allowed to put the snooze on his alarm, it's one alarm then get up, otherwise I end up staying awake waiting for the next one to go off while he dozes.

He will make sure he doesn't let too much light into the room as he opens the door, then ninja out and get dressed downstairs to make sure he doesn't wake me.

This is only after many years of false starts when I've had to rant about his inconsiderate behaviour - it didn't come naturally to respect my sleep!

I don't think getting up 50mins to an hour before he leaves is unreasonable, some people prefer a bit of time to come round before they have to start functioning. My DS2 gets up an hour before he leaves for school but if for some reason he sleeps in, he can do it all in 10 mins. The point is, whatever time he gets up, he manages not to wake everyone else.

Have a proper calm chat with him about it, that it's affecting your day and that you appreciate him starting work early means he is home earlier, but talk about what he can do to make it less disruptive. A silent alarm, walking quietly so as not to wake the DCs and that if he does, he is responsible for putting the TV on to keep them occupied and getting them some breakfast so they don't wake you etc. Then he can wake you when he leaves at 7am if the kids are up, or leave you until 7.30 if not.

Just put the responsibility onto him if he isn't quiet. I'm sure he'll soon get the hang of it!

partypooper40 · 18/01/2018 10:04

I have to say he sounds unreasonable in his loudness - not necessarily his early starts.

I get up earlier than DH every week day. I put my clothes in the bathroom, dry may hair downstairs and can get out of the house without waking DS1/2.

How does it take him that long to get ready?? I would ask him if he is going to get up that early to be more considerate.

Mishmishmish · 18/01/2018 10:11

Maybe a quick solution is to put white noise on in the children's rooms. That's what we do so they don't hear DH get up in the morning

RaspberryBeret34 · 18/01/2018 10:11

YANBU, it seems the 6am time is already a compromise so you shouldn't have to deal with even earlier wake up times! I also think, even at 6am, he needs to practice being quieter! Even getting dressed downstairs if necessary.

Someone waking my 5 yo DS at 6am would annoy me as I can't get DS in bed any earlier than I currently do (practical issues of fitting everything in) and he does need to sleep till 7 at least, preferably 7.30. It's OK when they're tiny to get them up early if they can catch up via daytime naps but doesn't work when they're school age - school is tiring enough as it is! I do find a white noise machine helps, he has waves noise on all night and it masks other sounds a little so he's less likely to wake early.

Dipitydoda they have equal seniority jobs already! And the OP gets 3 kids up and ready every morning in the time it takes her DH to get himself ready. Also, even if she was a SAHM, it doesn't mean she gets absolutely zero say in family routine (when it isn't essential for work). Compromise is required and OP has already compromised with the 6am start.

RaspberryBeret34 · 18/01/2018 10:13

Cross posted with Mishmishmish! White noise machines are great, mine was a tenner from ebay but you can also get free tracks if you have an ipod or mp3.

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