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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ex wanting to increase access

112 replies

holly84 · 17/01/2018 18:32

Hi I'm new here and am having problems and could really do with some opinions. My ex and I have an informal agreement for the last 2 years or so that he has DS from Saturday 8.30 until Sunday 6pm EOW. He works until 7pm Mon-Fri so can't do midweek visits so occasionally takes him for a few hours on Saturday or Sunday in between.

He was living a couple of roads away from us until 1 month ago when he moved closer to work so now he kinda lives in the middle (about half an hour from us and half an hour from work) so now sees it viable to have DS8 on the Friday night from 7.30 when he gets in provided that I drop DS off. Currently he does all the driving since he's the one who moved I refused to drop off like he requested.

I don't see why I should have to now drive every other Friday night just to accommodate this?? He is also trying to reduce my CM by contacting the CMS (currently we have a family based arrangement and I figured I'm going to be £200 a month down if he does so). Surely he won't be able to have the Friday night thing enforced if it's not the precedent?

OP posts:

Llanali · 17/01/2018 18:35

What does DS want? Are you wanting him not to have Friday nights, or not to have to drop DS off?

Ginger1982 · 17/01/2018 18:35

If you were having to drive on the Saturday morning, does it really make a difference? Dropping your DS off with him at 8.30am was quite early anyway, or is it 8.30pm he usually gets him from?

Hellothereitsme · 17/01/2018 18:36

If it goes to court he is likely to get more access unless there are safety concerns. He is the father so why would you not want your child to see him? Unfortunately child mtmce levels seem to be enforced by the courts too so if he can I’m sure he will reduce the mtmce to the CSM standard.

I’ve just been through this and courts are all for fathers having equal acces and my court papers say the CM level will be paid.

Original poster

holly84 · 17/01/2018 18:38

I haven't spoken to DS yet. The only way my ex can have him on Friday night instead is if I drop him because otherwise they wouldn't get back to his around 9 which is far too late for DS. He usually has him from 8.30am on saturday but he comes and picks him up.

OP posts:

IrkThePurist · 17/01/2018 18:38

As he is trying to reduce CM, I wouldn't do the extra driving either.
I think you need legal advice, google for your nearest Law Centre. They give advice to people who cant afford a solicitor.

olivesnutsandcheese · 17/01/2018 18:40

It is customary for parents to split the travel so it would be fairly normal for you to drive one way and your ex to do the other. I'm fairly sure the courts also see this as reasonable irrelevant of which party decided to move away (within reason). I think you may just have to pick your battles.

NoMoreUsernames · 17/01/2018 18:40

So he currently has his son 1 night out of 14 and wants to increase it to 2 nights? I don't think that's unreasonable, and a half hour drive twice a month (ok 1 hour I guess if you include your return journey) isn't a huge sacrifice considering it's for your son's benefit. But then my son's father wants nothing to do with him so maybe I'm bias. Cutting maintenance to the bare legal minimum if he can afford to pay more on the other hand is rather shit of him.

pinkbraces · 17/01/2018 18:41

You need to think about what is best for your DS. He doesn’t really get to see much of his dad at the moment, does he want to see him more?

AdaColeman · 17/01/2018 18:42

I'd be reluctant to do the Friday night drive too, especially as he is planning to cut maintenance as well. He's got a bit of a nerve really.

Imstickingwiththisone · 17/01/2018 18:47

I don't see how his move means he should have him for am extra night? I understand due to his working hours it would only be doable if you drive him but I don't understand why the extra night is necessary for the reason given. Fair enough if it's just because he wants his son for longer but not really if it's been prompted by him moving away.

Is it because he thinks he won't be able to do things on weekend£s that aren't his? Because he's only half an hour away it's not that much of a trek.

Allthewaves · 17/01/2018 18:50

Assuming ds is 8. Then 9pm on a friday isn't really that late. My kids are usually in bed 7.30 but even my 4 yr old stays up til 9pm on a friday as they go to grandparents for tea.

And I don't think two extra nights a month is a big ask tbh.

luckiestgirl · 17/01/2018 18:52

I’d happily do the half an hour drive if it meant I got a whole other child-free night. Amazing. I’d be jumping at this.

Zampa · 17/01/2018 18:54

It's in your son's best interest to have a relationship with his father. 1 night out of 14 doesn't really facilitate this and it would be a real shame if you stood in the way of this extra time.

IMO if your ex is dropping your son back on a Sunday night, it's reasonable for you to drop off on a Friday night.

Do not involve your son in the decision or ask him what he wants. This is unfair on your son as he'll want to please those that love him.

A reduction in the child maintenance to be paid may be his motivation for the extra night but none of us can determine this.

Lovely333 · 17/01/2018 18:54

I dont think you would win if it went to court tbh , as with him overpaying maintenance and now deciding to do it through the child maintenance calculator it probably wont make alot of difference in the maintenance calculator an extra nights, I would do whatever my son wanted.

Homemenu1 · 17/01/2018 18:57

9 isn't late, get him to collect him

tabbywabby · 17/01/2018 18:57

I don't see why I should have to now drive every other Friday night just to accommodate this??
Why do you begrudge your child a short drive every other weekend?

This is not about your ex's 'access', but about your child's time with their parent.

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/01/2018 19:01

It is not customary for parents to split driving. It is customary for the non resident to collect and drop back, especially when the nr parent moves away.

We used to get back around 9pm after a long journey on a Friday but still had great chats in the car and the luxury of lazy Saturday am in pjs etc.

ClaudiaD13 · 17/01/2018 19:10

I really don't think a 30 minute drive is a big deal. And I don't thinks it's unreasonable for your son to have an extra night with his Dad. Could you maybe alternate? Sometimes he collects him, sometimes you drop him off?

My boys see their Dad once a month. It's a 5 hour drive, we meet in the middle. The boys get to their Dads house around 10pm.

ArnoldBee · 17/01/2018 19:12

Unless there is a huge back story I cannot understand your attitude as tbh it's not unreasonable.

Julie8008 · 17/01/2018 19:33

2 nights every fortnight is very reasonable for father to have his DC. 7:30 Friday to 7:30 Sunday. Split travel one way each, half an hour drive twice a month is nothing. If this goes to court the dad would win easily and probably even get more if he asked. YABVU.

Imstickingwiththisone · 17/01/2018 19:53

But why should her ex's decision to move 30 minutes away affect her? He could have found somewhere nearer and in fact when he did live nearer didn't have his ds for more than one night out of 14.

It's not for the op to go out of her way to facilitate his access when he is the cause for it to be less easy to facilitate in the first place.

He's saving an hour commute every day he goes to work. He'll just have to suck it up every other friday

Original poster

holly84 · 17/01/2018 19:59

Exactly why should this affect me? He's chosen to move closer to work. I was dropping DS off because it was a walk away but now driving an hour round trip because HE decides to move? 9pm is too late for DS. His normal bedtime is 7.30 and he gets really tired if that's disturbed. So the only way for the Friday thing to work is for me to drive and he's just backed me into a corner. Not only that but I'm pretty sure he just wants to do it like that to reduce the CMS. Currently because it's Sat 8.30am to Sun 6pm that's 2 days but only 1 night (and his other access is during the day on the other weekends) so he is on a zero nights atm. He currently gives me more than the CMS zero nights rate anyway, but I know that when he applies he'll be doing the 52-103 nights option.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 17/01/2018 20:04

Just stick to your guns and say "that doesn't work for me perhaps when DS is older and you are able to pick him up"

He has moved away he needs to do the traveling!

Imstickingwiththisone · 17/01/2018 20:04

You know him op and if you feel that the reason for this change is money related then I wouldn't do it. If he wants his son Fri to sun then that's absolutely fair and he should find a way to do this. But you shouldn't have to do this for him.

However I would agree that if this went to court then they would probably split the driving. As they're not going to take into account of who moved where, when and who said what. Just to make things even and fair going forward.

Original poster

holly84 · 17/01/2018 20:08

He will take this to court, I know it. But I'm already doing an hour's driving a week total taking DS to school and back, I'm providing 90% of the childcare, how can it be fair for the court to make me drive when he's obviously just doing this to pay less money??

OP posts:

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