ex wanting to increase access

[holly84]

Hi I'm new here and am having problems and could really do with some opinions. My ex and I have an informal agreement for the last 2 years or so that he has DS from Saturday 8.30 until Sunday 6pm EOW. He works until 7pm Mon-Fri so can't do midweek visits so occasionally takes him for a few hours on Saturday or Sunday in between.

He was living a couple of roads away from us until 1 month ago when he moved closer to work so now he kinda lives in the middle (about half an hour from us and half an hour from work) so now sees it viable to have DS8 on the Friday night from 7.30 when he gets in provided that I drop DS off. Currently he does all the driving since he's the one who moved I refused to drop off like he requested.

I don't see why I should have to now drive every other Friday night just to accommodate this?? He is also trying to reduce my CM by contacting the CMS (currently we have a family based arrangement and I figured I'm going to be £200 a month down if he does so). Surely he won't be able to have the Friday night thing enforced if it's not the precedent?

What the duck is wrong with some people here? Who infected MN with all these jollier than thou that would do everything and anything and be so cool and calm and above supposedly pettiness?
OP, still to your guns. Ignore everyone else here who talks BS.

Why do you think that your sons father only wants an extra night to pay less? One night a fortnight is hardly anything for him to see his dad. You have already said that he pays more than the CMS minimum so surely he would just say he's paying you less and not bother with the extra night if that's all he wanted. I really think that you need to speak to your son and try to accommodate what he wants. 9pm isn't really late for an 8 year old especially on a weekend. I would just let your ex collect him.

My friend has just been to court to get more access to see his child. He got it. Court was keen on 50:50. Resident parent - the mum - has to facilitate this access. Cost both parents at least £10k to get this decision. Court took no notice regarding maintenance - that is entirely a different court.

If he is a good father why are you not letting him see his child? You will be pulled apart in court with your excuses of it wanting to drive, being too tired, 9pm too late etc etc.

I have to drive 90 mins every other week and my ex moved away. Court couldn’t have cared a less and I will be in breach of court order if I don’t share the journey.

So only your opinion matters ... and everyone else is talking bullshit unless they agree with you?
People on here have all different experiences and valid points. Because you dont agree with them it doesnt make you right. Sometimes when you are immersed in something you need others to talk it through with and see different perspectives. That is generally why people ask for advice.

You sound like you are very bitter and angry.
Before you attack me, my experience is many years of arguing before i realised wtf is the point. Dont pick a fight with everything and don't let it consume your life. No-one wins and it drags you down. Unless there is a genuine reason to limit or refuse contact (violence / addiction problems/ unreliability) then children have a right to expect their parents to do their utmost to facilitate contact when they separate, even if on ocassion it means you receive less maintenance than you would like, or you might be inconveniened a little every now and again.

My post was in respinse to henry

See I don’t see how it benefits the ds in this situation- he will be miserable, tired and straight to bed- then seeing his dad no doubt the same time he would usually on the sat because he sleeps later to make up for the late night.
My ds1 is younger, but if he’s not in bed at bedtime he’s an unholy nightmare to be around for days after. Same goes for young ds2.
Ds2 on the other hand I send to his dad eow 2hours later than his bedtime (he’s a baby) by mutual agreement with his dad because his dad otherwise wouldn’t see him until afternoon on the sat. And believe me, his dad moans about how grumpy ds is, but he knows it’s the result of his choices.
Ds2s dad also collects and drops off every single time because in his own words, I run around with him all week getting him to all manner of appointments etc, it’s the least he can do.

I don’t get the attitudes against op- she’ll be losing money which pays for her ds to live, do nice things, and on top of that to run around after her ex making his life easier, when he could come get him every weekend for a night and have decent quality time with him. So she has to pay out in her time and fuel for his choices too? Fuck that. I’d let him take me to court. Let him spend his money on it, if he gets granted his wish, then that’s what a court decides- but I wouldn’t be bowing to him when he’s already dropping the money either way

Just say no to dropping off. Ds can sleep in the car on the way back to his Dad's when he picks him up late, don't be so precious about that part.

I agree with TrinitySquirrel. Absolutely he needs to make the effort to pick his son up and drop him off if he moved

What time does your son wake on a Saturday morning? Mine used to be up at 6am so you could offer an earlier time if he's an early bird.

I don’t see how it benefits the ds in this situation
There are massive long term benefits for the DC. A second night a fortnight where their father gets to have supper with them, do the bedtime routine, say goodnight to them when they are in bed, wake up with them in the morning, deepening their bond, getting used to a new routine, a stepping stone to even more time with father, developing that fathers house is also their home and not just somewhere they visit, the father learning to cope when DC is grumpy, a whole day for the first time when they are 100% with father, a whole day with father and no travel between parents, a second night off for mother to develop her social life, increased confidence that father can cope, the possibility of weekends away ... there are so many small things that more contact with non resident parent brings that are important to a child and they all add up to creating good equal relationships with both parents

I don’t get the attitudes against op
They are not against the op, they are just reality that her 'reasons' aren't very good reasons and the court will most likely rule against her after everyone has spent a fortune on lawyers.

“Honestly if all this was motivated by her ex wanting ds Fri night then why didn't he start it when he lived round the corner when it made absolute sense, añd why just prior to his engagement with CMS??”

And if it was just about money why would he be voluntarily paying over the odds? He could lower that without taking his son for another night straight away

This is true quimby.

He is saying he didn't ask for this arrangement when he was nearby because he couldn't have had him when he was living nearby as be wouldn't get back until 8.30 on a Friday night which is too late for DS.

Can anyone give me a clear answer on what the court will or won't be able to rule On?

Court can ignore you and agree to give your ex 50:50. More dads are getting this as the default. That is what you risk.

I dont believe anyone can give a definate answer as to what a court wouls decide on, as it is done on a case by case basis.

From the little information you have provided here: that he is a decent father, you have no concerns with the care he provides, and that he wants to increase his contact to only an average of 1 night a week, there is no reason for him to be denied this.

I think you are focusing on the driving needlessly. Is he willing to do the collection, if this is such an issue for you? A slightly delayed bedtime won't harm him.

You do actually sound like you are trying to block his access with your excuses and painting him as someone who wants money off for an extra night when its clearly not the case as he pays over what he has to pay legally anyway at the moment.
Hes very likely to win and you are very likely to waste your money and time, 9 isnt late for an 8 year old to go to sleep at the weekend.
You dont own your son you know, Hes not your possession to let your ex have when you feel like it.
You should give him the extra night and if you dont wish to drive tell him to pick him up, But really if you are that bothered about him going to bed earlier drop him off.

You have absolutely no grounds for refusing to increase to two nights a fortnight.

Your best bet is to very nicely ask your ex to understand that reducing his maintenance at the same time as increasing your driving costs would have a very detrimental affect on your son. Ask him very nicely to stick to your private agreement. His costs will reduce, yours will increase anyway with the new driving split.

I’m a step parent so have dealt with lots of this kind of thing. It’s compeltely reasonable for him to want more time with his son. Court is unlikely to prevent him having another night unless there is some serious back story. Maintenance wise as long as he is paying the minimum you can’t make him pay more, great if he does though.

Now to the driving, you have 3 options really. 1 both drive and meet halfway (15mins each). 2 you drive all the way to drop Ds off. This ensures he arrives earlier when ex gets home from work. 3 ex picks him up. Arriving at ex’s house at 9pm should not be a problem for an 8 year old. Unless he needs to up early the next day for something. Give him dinner before ex picks up (even get him in pjs too if you want) and he goes to bed when he arrives at ex’s house.

Don’t obstruct your son having a relationship with his dad. (Unless there is a some serious why he shouldn’t! Like drug use or violence or neglect).

No one can say what decision the court will make.

But what are your arguments against this arrangement that might convince the court?

You're not going to convince a court by saying:
I am too tired to drive for an hour one evening
He's the one who left therefore he should do all the driving
He's just doing it to save himself some money

So what compelling arguments do you have? And what other arrangements could you suggest that might convince a judge or mediator?

You are obstructing and the court will see this. Your weak arguments won't go down well at all.

You're getting a bit desperate to say that you being too tired on a Friday evening is endangering him. That just sounds like you are scrabbling around trying to prevent some increased access. You only seem to be interested in what suits you. I find this depressing reading
This is also the impression I'm getting.
Why some people think after a split they should have a monopoly on their child/children is beyond me.
There is a father here who wants to spend more than one night a fortnight with his child and a mother clutching at straws to obstruct this happening.

If you do the drop off you are setting a precedent that a court would most likely uphold.

Maintenance and contact are entirely separate issues in the eyes of the law so don't muddy the waters!

Maintenance and contact are entirely separate issues in the eyes of the law so don't muddy the waters!
Exactly and my guess from the tone of the OP is if she was still getting the monry she wants then she wouldn't be being as awkward.
Someone seeing their child is not linked to how much they pay, nor shpuld drop off arrangements be negotiated with regards to money unless we are talking long distance drop offs.
It's half an hour. It's not like he's moved hours away.