ex wanting to increase access

[holly84]

Hi I'm new here and am having problems and could really do with some opinions. My ex and I have an informal agreement for the last 2 years or so that he has DS from Saturday 8.30 until Sunday 6pm EOW. He works until 7pm Mon-Fri so can't do midweek visits so occasionally takes him for a few hours on Saturday or Sunday in between.

He was living a couple of roads away from us until 1 month ago when he moved closer to work so now he kinda lives in the middle (about half an hour from us and half an hour from work) so now sees it viable to have DS8 on the Friday night from 7.30 when he gets in provided that I drop DS off. Currently he does all the driving since he's the one who moved I refused to drop off like he requested.

I don't see why I should have to now drive every other Friday night just to accommodate this?? He is also trying to reduce my CM by contacting the CMS (currently we have a family based arrangement and I figured I'm going to be £200 a month down if he does so). Surely he won't be able to have the Friday night thing enforced if it's not the precedent?

I've totally changed my mind op, given the logic that he could decrease his payments by going to CMS as it is and without the need for this as a long term objective. Also you've stated a good reason for him not asking for Fri nights before.

It sounds like the belief that his only goal is to reduce maintenance payments is you projecting, because you know what the outcome would have on you financially.

I agree that it's best to avoid courts and have an amicable relationship for the sake of your son. You shouldn't prevent the extra night and if you feel so strongly about one slightly late bed time for an 8 year old (it wouldn't be that late by most parents standards for a weekend) then yes, you should drive your son there. Otherwise let your partner get him and forget about the late bedtime. I'm sure your son will just be excited to see hisdad.

Could he ask his employer about finishing early one friday a fortnight to facilitate an earlier pick up? If not I'd just let him collect him after work. 9pm for an 8 year old twice a month with no school the next day is no big deal surely? My 9 year old goes to bed later than that every weekend. Going to court is stressful and the decisions are taken out of your hands. You could find yourself subject to a court order that nobody is happy with. I really wouldn't put myself through that to argue about a late(ish) bedtime.

Have you asked him to put in a flexible working request to leave an hour early once a fortnight and maybe reduce his lunch or start an hour early?

If not let him collect after work - he has to deal with a ratty child on Saturday morning not you. You may find if you use this extra night to go out your ex may decide he is not ‘facilitating you going out on the piss/helping your social life/go on dates’ and decide to revert back to just Saturday nights.

Exactly why should this affect me?

Because you're a parent and the priority should be about your son.

If you don't want to do the driving - reasonable argument. Blocking your ex from picking DS up because it would be too late for him, however you're not prepared to facilitate earlier contact by driving - unreasonable.

If you do go to court you risk 50/50 access - is that worth it for coming to a compromise on 2 nights a month?

I've read all the OPs posts but not all the responses, so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but I think the overnight stay does make a difference. I'm currently having amicable discussions with my STBXH about contact, and we're leaning towards EOW. He offered to have the kids every week on Saturday night so I'd get a lie in every Sunday, but I don't like the idea. I work FT so EOW will be my quality time with the kids, and bedtime routines and breakfast are a big part of that for me. Although your child will be asleep for most of that time, I do think that having the night and early morning adds to the quality of the time spent together. It feels like 2 full days then, instead of a day and a bit.

I'd agree to it on the condition he leaves the maintenance where it is. If he decreases it then insist he picks up/drops off. He moved 30 mins further away purely for his own benefit.

So cash for access then basically?

He's already paying more than the minimum, if he wanted to he could reduce this instantly even without the extra night.