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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ex wanting to increase access

112 replies

holly84 · 17/01/2018 18:32

Hi I'm new here and am having problems and could really do with some opinions. My ex and I have an informal agreement for the last 2 years or so that he has DS from Saturday 8.30 until Sunday 6pm EOW. He works until 7pm Mon-Fri so can't do midweek visits so occasionally takes him for a few hours on Saturday or Sunday in between.

He was living a couple of roads away from us until 1 month ago when he moved closer to work so now he kinda lives in the middle (about half an hour from us and half an hour from work) so now sees it viable to have DS8 on the Friday night from 7.30 when he gets in provided that I drop DS off. Currently he does all the driving since he's the one who moved I refused to drop off like he requested.

I don't see why I should have to now drive every other Friday night just to accommodate this?? He is also trying to reduce my CM by contacting the CMS (currently we have a family based arrangement and I figured I'm going to be £200 a month down if he does so). Surely he won't be able to have the Friday night thing enforced if it's not the precedent?

OP posts:
lifeandtheuniverse · 17/01/2018 20:08

do not agree to friday night drop off.

My alleged 1 hr drive there turned into 4-5 hrs and by the time i got home - it was 8 hrs record 11hrs.

SofiaAmes · 17/01/2018 20:09

You need to decide based on what's best for your son. And bear in mind that sometime what's best for your child is not what's best for you. Will your ds benefit from the additional time with his father? If the answer is yes, then even if it costs you something (time/money) shouldn't you do it. When we choose to have children, we anticipate the possibility of it costing money and time at our own personal expense. You can't control what your ds' father chooses to sacrifice, but your sacrifice shouldn't be based on his lack of sacrifice. It should be based on your ds' needs. It sucks that you are putting more than your ex, but isn't that why he's your ex...?

AdaColeman · 17/01/2018 20:14

Just say that you won't be doing what he has requested.
It's not your responsibility to facilitate his contact time, that's for him to do for himself.

Does he share school runs, sports club runs, any health appointments, recreational runs? No, I thought not.

HashBrowns · 17/01/2018 20:16

He should have him for more than one night per fortnight, would you want to see him more if you had him one night every fortnight?
Do what's best for your son, not what's best for you.

RandomMess · 17/01/2018 20:17

It is unusual for courts to make pick ups shared, especially when one parent does the bulk of the care!!!

I would say you think it's too late for him to collect DS but certainly in a couple of years... the compromise will be letting DS go but your ex will have to deal with a grumpy child all weekend not you! Chances are your DS will sleep in the car.

Being positive it will do wonders for your social life!

buttfacedmiscreant · 17/01/2018 20:18

I agree that it is typical and fair for parents to split the driving. It is also reasonable for him to live half an hour apart from you.

I also agree that if it went to court that they would most likely see his requests and CM figures reasonable. It would cost you more money in the long run to have to go to court.

If he is not a bad father then it is in your son's best interest to see him more and sleep at his house more (it helps cement in kids' brains that both houses are theirs). The choices are son stays up late or you drive. Which one is less palatable for you. Either way, you should be doing some of the driving.

RandomMess · 17/01/2018 20:23

What is this bolllocks that it is fair to split the driving when one of them does no hands on Mon-Fri parenting ever????

I don't know ANYONE where it is split!

sixteenapples · 17/01/2018 20:26

Your child comes first. It's not about you.

Justoneme · 17/01/2018 20:30

OMG ,... are you seeing your DS as a meal ticket?

Why on earth wouldn't your son have the extra night with his father? Unbelievable!

From what I have read from your posts you are clearly looking at this from your point of view and not your DS.

Imstickingwiththisone · 17/01/2018 20:32

Just going off the experiences of people I know Random

I don't think he can just go straight to court OP he has to invite you for mediation with an official mediator I think? Not something he can do on a whim I believe but do look for a more reputable source than me!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/01/2018 20:34

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to see your child more OP
Is he a decent father ? I can’t even imagine seeing my beloved DC EOW to be honest .

I think you might need to seriously consider this request to be honest

Original poster
holly84 · 17/01/2018 20:35

Ok... I don't see how it's in DS interests to be getting to bed so late at 9pm if my ex did the driving

I don't see how it's in DS interests that my ex wants to have him for an extra night just so he can pay less CM

I'm confused now about the courts. Will they or won't they make us split the driving?? I am frankly too tired by Friday, isn't that endangering DS?

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/01/2018 20:35

Are you 100% sure its to pay less ? Might be time for a mediator OP

Original poster
holly84 · 17/01/2018 20:36

He's already said if we can't agree to this between us he'd like to see a mediator which is how i know he's going to take it to court. he has way more money than me because I gave up my career to raise his son.

OP posts:
DonutCone · 17/01/2018 20:38

You are too tired to drive for an hour, with a break half way?

How do you function in life?

Imstickingwiththisone · 17/01/2018 20:39

Bloody hell the polarisation of some of these posts.

Op has to use that money to provide for her daughter so no it's not a meal ticket and as she suspects all of this is because her ex is about to go through CMS route and any contribution will be taken to the bare minimum then she is right to be concerned about going out of her way to help her ex do that. Honestly if all this was motivated by her ex wanting ds Fri night then why didn't he start it when he lived round the corner when it made absolute sense, añd why just prior to his engagement with CMS??

I think op is thinking about how she will financially provide for her son of she agreed and also the principle that this is an issue of his creating by moving away.

Op all I would say is that if your ex comes back and says he will collect your ds on the Fri then I'd just go with it. 9pm is really not that late and as another pp said quite likely he will fall asleep in the car and then ex will have that to contend with. I just would refuse to do he travelling.

tabbywabby · 17/01/2018 20:42

I don't see how it's in DS interests that my ex wants to have him for an extra night just so he can pay less CM
How is it in your DS' interests that he sees his parent less so that you get more money and/or because driving him half an hour is too much bother? That is exactly the way it is coming across.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 17/01/2018 20:44

If you want an honest opinion ....

You're getting a bit desperate to say that you being too tired on a Friday evening is endangering him. That just sounds like you are scrabbling around trying to prevent some increased access. You only seem to be interested in what suits you. I find this depressing reading. You will have many years ahead of struggling and fighting unless you make a conscious decision to do what is right for your son and not make it all about you and thinking how much money you will lose. I speak from experience, the more you can get on, the easier your life will be. He is not being unreasonable and hardly sees the child as it is. Surely it can only be good for your son to see his dad more. If you end up in court you are not going to look good if you continue the way you are and digging your heels in to ensure your maintenance is not reduced.
As a previous poster said - pick your battles. This is not a good one.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 17/01/2018 20:46

And perhaps dont repeat the phrase "i gave up my career to look after HIS son"

Really really not showing yourself in a good light there.

Imstickingwiththisone · 17/01/2018 20:46

Court would definitely agree to the extra night as having more time with your father definitely justifies going to bed 90 minutes late twice a month. If you couldn't agree to that at court then I think they would see you as UR. Why not agree to that and see if it will satisfy him.

If his only reason to go to court / mediate is so you will drive his son to him for access you've already agreed to then I can't see it going anywhere.

Urubu · 17/01/2018 20:48

You sound very angry at him, which might be for good reasons of course, but are you able to take a step back and ask yourselves these questions:
Why are you sure the only reason he wants Fri night is for the money? Is it mostly because this aspects annoys you or because of something he did/said?
Don't you feel like saying "it shouldn't impact me" is ignoring 1) that the arrangement would benefit your DS and 2) logistically it is the only way for it to work?

RadioGaGoo · 17/01/2018 20:50

I swear, every time I see an OP ask whether it's unreasonable for her to ask an ex to do a longer trip because she wants to move, usually for a job, she's shot down in flames. The normal rhetoric is that as she has chosen to move, why should that affect her ex, and therefore she is being unreasonable and has to do the extra travelling. How is this any different the other way round?!?

donners312 · 17/01/2018 20:58

How can anyone think it is OK for you to do ALL the grunt work Monday to Friday and then do 50% of the travel to facilitate access? It's laughable.

Meanwhile twat Father pays minimum CM through CMS or whatever. And then wants to reduce it further - I expect you are only contributing 12% of your salary to bring up DC are you? (nope thought not)

The court will order you to do 50% (I was ordered to drive 6 hours to facilitate this I have a thread about it from ages ago) but seriously so what?

I am past caring what court says - usually bored and retired do gooders with no clue!!

Jammydodger81 · 17/01/2018 21:01

I’m not seeing how the extra night really benefits DS, if he’s straight to bed when he gets there, different if he has dinner or some time with his dad. He picks him up early Saturday morning anyway, so literally all he’s missed is the sleepover, which funnily enough is what CMS are interested in...

My ex has refused to see the girls mid-week evenings even though I’ve offered, yet wanted to up his contact to every weekend. I said absolutely not. I know this is because he wants to reduce maintenance and is not about seeing them.

Julie8008 · 17/01/2018 21:10

I guess you haven't been through family courts before then.

A judge will not take your opinion that 9pm is to late to go to bed. It will just be seen as trying to frustrate contact.

Ex saying he works until 7pm would probably be seen as an acceptable reason for you to drop off at 7:30 It is usual to decide that parents do half the travel each.

As resident parent it is your responsibility to facilitate contact with ex. The fact that he moved house is called life, not relevant especially as its such a short distance.

Saying driving 30 minutes makes you tired will again make you look like you are being awkward and will go against you, it is about what is best for DC and your comfort is irrelevant.

If you say it is dangerous for you to do the short drive you might actually open yourself up to being an unfit parent.

Anything to do with child maintenance is irrelevant.

Father wanting to see DC EOW is normal and will be in his favour.

As resident parent you do not get 'credit' for providing childcare. Nor do you get 'credit' for driving your DC to school. And you do not get 'credit' for choosing to give up your career to look after your own DC.

If your only argument against more contact is half an hours drive then you will lose and leave yourself open to him trying to win legal fees as well.