Borrowed and almost destroyed a car

[Muffette]

Before Christmas I was having car trouble and needed to get some work done on my car. My father generously loaned me one of his cars. He is generous like that and I was extremely grateful. He told me several times that the car needed a service at 30k miles and he would take it back from me then. He is very careful with everything and gets his cars serviced every 10k miles. I felt very secure driving his car knowing that it was so well cared for it was unlikely to break down (unlike my own jalopy).

As the car reached 30k the service light came on (a spanner light), I told him and we arranged to swap cars a week or so later. l didn't do much mileage in that time and so handed his car back with thank you's and so on. When he got home he dipped the engine to check the oil and discovered that it was nearly empty, he called the garage and they came with a tow truck to collect the car and bring it to their garage. He is beyond livid with me and will not speak to me. Now I know I should stick more rigorously to "neither a borrower nor a lender be" but I was in a pickle and he insisted at the time.

The thing is, should a car which is serviced every 10k run out of oil? (assuming the oil is changed at every service) and secondly, am I really thick not to have dipped the oil myself? Honestly, it never occurred to me. I checked the manual to make sure the light was an automated one and not something more sinister. At no time did the oil light come on. I am really upset at being so thick but at the same time my father is often very angry with me (i am in my 40's btw, not 19) and I really didn't need this excuse for him to turn on me again. However, I feel that his reaction to me is extreme, AIBU? (would you have thought to check the oil?)

Lying - OP is probably in the FOG.

Her DF is an abusive bully, and she is the people-pleaser who tries to make everything good. She is still in contact (against her better judgement, as many good dutiful daughters are) and accepts a loan of a car in good faith, thinking he is being kind. But he is being the opposite of kind. He uses it to punish her.

From the OP I really didn't need this excuse for him to turn on me again. - note the 'again'!
He has form for over-reaction where I am concerned. The last time he stopped speaking to me for months was because one evening I didn't answer my house phone or mobile (9pm as I was putting my child to bed and reading a story and so didn't hear either phone). He was apoplectic - again, looking for a small thing to get 'apoplectic' over.
He is also always right - and never wrong. He blames his sister for him falling asleep at the wheel, even though she was not even there. But it was her suggestion - so her fault.

That's what happens in abusive bullying families. Not all fathers are kind and lovely and helpful to their daughters . It sounds like the OP is realising how abusive he is,and can be. That's why she should go LC, if not NC.

Deary me! Yes oil should be checked but if the oil was as low as he suggests then the oil light should have come on to warn you. As for calling a tow truck, unless the engine seized then he has been an idiot to call a tow truck - just fill up the oil! Out of nosiness does he stop by the garage to refill his oil usually? Is he someone taken in easily by a garage hence the need for all the expense? Otherwise strikes me as angry old man syndrome and you are best out of it - sorry op. Plus side? At least you and a whole pile of mnetters will now be checking their oil regularly!

You've only got his word for the oil, nearly destroying the car and the tow truck. On the other hand you do KNOW for a fact that he blamed his absent sister for the fact he fell asleep at the wheel.

He wanted an excuse to pick on you and your mum is going along with it. He's been like this for years.

Even if you had accidentally done something to the oil. His reaction is completely over the top, but then you say it always is.

You are in your 40s. You just don't need this.
You just don't need to put up with it anymore.
So don't. Talk to someone IRL who can help you find a way to cope with this.

He sounds like my dad .. so irrational. He would also never treat my brothers how he treats me and my mum!
When I lived there and was at college he threw me out for not taking the petrol crisis seriously enough! He completely panicked and bought about 10 loaves, 20 tins of spam, corned beef etc, way too much milk. I didn't go and buy more on my 30 min lunch break and had to go and live with a friend.
Recently ( I'm now mid 30s) he told me my 12yo dc will turn to hard-core drugs and porn because I let him have super sour sweets once!

I think it says it all that you said he 'generously' loaned you his car and that he is 'generous' that way. Sounds like you've been conditioned to believe that he is so good for doing these things for you. My mum would fall over herself to help me in your situation but your dad has used it against you. No doubt if the oil incident had never happened, something else involving your use of the car would have!

Lots of entirely justified support for the OP whose father's reaction was completely unreasonable. Car low on oil? Then pour in some, not throw a hissy fit, overdramatise and use a trivial incident as a reason to be abusive. Your mother's enabling must make the situation doubly difficult. There is no excuse for such behaviour. Sympathy to you Muffette.

My DH says I should check every month (I never checked it in my past cars, whoops). It sounds like you had it less than a month, so your dad should have checked the oil levels before lending it.
And I agree with other pp; calling out a tow truck for low oil is seriously OTT.

It sounds like you had it less than a month,

5 weeks is more than a month.

Personally I think he is blaming you for something out of your control. Who on earth checks the oils on a three year old car in this day and age. Mine is three years old and the only light every to cme on was the tyre pressure. I had a slow puncture.

Sorry but your dad sounds horrible and toxic. I would not entertain the behaviour. How do you normally respond when he is "angry" with you? It's not really acceptable to be this angry with someone you supposedly love over a mistake and make them feel as awful as he is obviously doing to you. If you had deliberately trashed his car or been ridiculously careless, then maybe some anger, but this is way over the top and not on (and it's certainly not how you treat someone you love)....and you say this happens regularly....Think he needs to work on his anger issues. But be clear in your mind and heart that this is his issue not yours and act accordingly.

Fucking hell OP. I opened this thread expecting it to have been written off. Fell your dad to stick his precious car up his and never to contact you again.

I borrowed my dbros car a couple of years ago. A beautiful shiny new bmw 3 series convertible. It got STOLEN. Dbros reaction- 'oh well. Can't be helped, not your fault!'

Luckily it was recovered, damage free, a few days later.

Tell your dad. Up his arse. Sorry, fat fingers. You get the gist.

I’ve always thought a car should be serviced every 10k miles or a year whichever came first. However checking the oil should at the least be a monthly if not fortnightly or even weekly thing, to check there is oil in the tank and no leaks. I really should remember this.....gonna check my oil in the morning

Have consulted my husband. He is a petrol head and fanatical about servicing cars. He says over reaction!

Old cars need oil checking regularly but he should have warned you to do so if that’s the case. Modern cars are designed to go service to service without checking oil.
Oil warning light coming on is a sign of impending catastrophe - if you see it should act urgently.

A three year old Toyota shouldnt need to have the oil checked over a period of weeks. (In fact if a three year old vehicle needed to be topped up over a period of months there would be something wrong with it, unless it had been subjected to a phenomenal mileage.) There is clearly something wrong with the car. It is either leaking oil in which case you would still see oil stains on the road or your drive below where the car was parked, or it is burning oil, in which case the exhaust would have been very smoky. It must have been low on oil when he handed it to you. It sounds to me as if he isnt too hot on servicing/checking cars, so perhaps he hasnt been checking the oil himself over a long period of time and now is putting the blame onto you for his lack of attention

I must have missed the 5 weeks. He still should have checked the levels before lending.

It was his 85 year old sisters fault. My parents will "never forgive her"

They are a pair of nutcases who enjoy being angry. I expect it gives them something to talk about in the evenings.

I really wouldn’t lose any sleep over it, and more than you pay attention to that colleague who goes on and on about “How Bad The Parking Is Here”.

Your dad sounds completely unhinged and you come across as perfectly reasonable. It's not at all normal to become apoplectic at family members for minor things like that. (I can't even recall when I last annoyed my dad.) He has a serious anger problem and it must be really painful and stressful for you.

You weren't to know the car would drink oil like that and you did nothing wrong but it's sort of beside the point. It sounds like he's angry with you or resentful in some way and would have flipped out over something else if it wasn't the oil. Your mother waiting until he's out of the house to call makes him sound domineering too.

I don't think you can reason with someone like that or so anything to predict what will bring on his wrath because it just not rational.

The only thing that ever went wrong with my Landrover was the sender unit in the fuel tank failed. I think that was what it was called. It failed to tell me that I was running out of diesel until I nearly had done. I don’t know how I would have been able to check that before it happened...? The oil on the other hand has never been a problem.

Erm, I recently bought a car through a dealership, it is a few years old but low mileage etc. I drove it for less than 10k miles and like you, never checked the oil as I thought it was below the service intervals etc and would be fine. Well the fecking engine seized. Absolutely unrepairable apart from replacing the engine which i cannot afford to do. Just of warranty, absolutely nothing I can do. So now I have a broken car that I still have to pay for for 4 YEARS!!

So based on that info I don't actually think your dad was over reacting!

I know how to check my oil, but I've never had to. By that reckoning I should be checking once a month. Service usually changes the oil. If it's dropping that low, it suggests a real issue to me.

I've just had to have an engine rebuilt after my (german) car imploded partly due to lack of oil only 7,000 miles and 11 months after its last main dealer service, and it's a common flaw across all brands of the VAG group. If you'd settled the bill I just have, you'd definitely be checking oil regularly

Kidsruinedmylife, out of interest what make is yours?

Kids it might be worth speaking to the dealership about your car. How long after you bought it was there a problem?

ptumbi, I had a terrible relationship with my dad, was never there when I needed him and when I REALLY needed him, he tried the same as the OP's dad. I was 17 and lost my car because I couldn't afford it anymore even though I was working. He could have helped me and chose not to. I never asked for anything from him again and wouldn't accept anything from him again.

I know I'm in a minority here but FOG seems to be used an awful lot for situations where the adult child has to actively extricate themselves or the cycle perpetuates. The OP has children. What are her actions teaching them? She could be free of this man if she wanted to be, but continues to keep accepting things from him.

OP doesn't have to keep accepting things, she chooses to. Actively chooses to take from him. OP, if you are still reading, this is entirely within your control. It's time to grow up and go no contact if that's what you choose to do but for crying out loud, stop taking from this man and then complaining that he treats you this way. You are letting him do that to you.