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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with in laws over this gift...

113 replies

GobsmackedAndAngry · 15/01/2018 19:00

Have name changed as this is very outing!

Ok let me give a bit of background...

In laws are very much - oh look how much I've spent on presents... (usually it's all tat and useless stuff we will never use!)

I've always been - let's get thoughtful and meaningful gifts and spend what we can afford.

At Christmas last year (2016) we were fairly tight on money over Christmas and got everyone 2 really thoughtful gifts but they didn't cost a lot (we probably spent between £15 and £20 per person).

MIL was so upset that we'd only spent XYZ (she guessed a random number) on her that FIL phoned up and moaned at DH who was quite rightly devastated - he'd been suffering depression at the time too so was really low about it.

This Christmas we got her a few bits through the year and she had a good collection of stuff and we had been planning something for her 60th birthday that would have cost us £150.

It's DH's 30th Birthday today and in laws have bought him some cheap gym clothes (with the price labels still on) and sweets.

I'm gobsmacked.
Birthdays are important to me and always have been and given that this is an important one and I wouldn't normally be so angry but given all the fuss they've made over MILs gifts in the past - aibu that I'm just shocked and furious?

DH is tying to be positive about it.
I know he's disappointed but he doesn't want to upset his parents.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 15/01/2018 19:08

YANBU. I would upset too if it was my DH. I would want to ring them up about it but that probably wouldn’t help!!

ShiftyLookingBadger · 15/01/2018 19:09

YANBU, I would be pissed off too but look on the brightside... she has now set the bar very low for future gifts for her from yourselves! No more spending a fortune. Win!

Also, gifts of about £15-20 is what we do for everyone every year. Hundreds of pounds sounds horrific, stressful and unnecessary!

junebirthdaygirl · 15/01/2018 19:14

Someone has to stop commenting and complaining in this family and that person is you. Just buy mil what you can afford and let her show her rudeness and ungratefulness. Then when she buys you show your good manners by being grateful. You don't need to sink to her level.

PolkaDotDressIsSpotty · 15/01/2018 19:15

she has now set the bar very low for future gifts for her from yourselves! No more spending a fortune

^This

Bluelady · 15/01/2018 19:16

They really can't win, can they? Expensive tat's wrong, useful gift is wrong. I really don't get this big birthday thing.

Anymajordude · 15/01/2018 19:17

I agree with June. Gives you the perfect get out from spending a fortune on gifts in future.

wednesdayrobyn · 15/01/2018 19:17

Sounds like she's being a bit petty and trying to make a point with her 'cheap' gift. I agree it should be more about the thought than the price.

malificent7 · 15/01/2018 19:22

I would agree to a no gifts for 'adults' policy. Mind you...you are all behaving like spoiled children!.

cromwell44 · 15/01/2018 19:23

YABU
You weren't happy when they complained about your inexpensive gifts to them and now you are, erm, complaining about their inexpensive gifts to your DH. Clearly you do think the value of gifts is important when it's a gift to you or your DH.
Does your DH exercise? If so, it is not a thoughtless gift.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/01/2018 19:24

Maybe she's taking your lead.

Original poster
GobsmackedAndAngry · 15/01/2018 19:25

Bluelady it's not that they can't win - it's thoughtless - the tat wasn't expensive, they just got lots of it.
These gym clothes aren't exactly useful, he is an avid gym goer and has lots already.

I'm really fed up of it all, I just want to leave it all up to DH in future and keep well away.
I just can't help feeling bad for him though.

If your own parents can't get you something thoughtful for a big birthday then that doesn't show much thoughtful / caring behaviour on their part.

OP posts:
lostinspaceyetagain · 15/01/2018 19:29

Say to them. Fabulous that we are downsizing adult birthday gifts. Could we go a step further and stop them all together and include Christmas.

Or do a secret santa- everyone writes down 3 items worth £50 that they would like. Giver has to chose from that list. You get 1 decent gift and give 1 decent gift. Total cost for a couple £100 and everyone gets something that they want.

Nicknacky · 15/01/2018 19:29

I can't even remember what I got from my parents for my 30th. Is it a big birthday?!

And as an avid gym goer, you can never have too many gym clothes! It's a great gift.

WildRosesGrow · 15/01/2018 19:29

Clothes and sweets sounds like a pretty normal present from parents of an adult son. Gym clothes - well they know he goes to the gym, so fair enough. It sounds like they've spent about the same as were spent on them at Christmas, again sounds about right. So IMHO YABU.

WildRosesGrow · 15/01/2018 19:29

Clothes and sweets sounds like a pretty normal present from parents of an adult son. Gym clothes - well they know he goes to the gym, so fair enough. It sounds like they've spent about the same as were spent on them at Christmas, again sounds about right. So IMHO YABU.

sonjadog · 15/01/2018 19:29

I think this would be a great opportunity to change the dynamic in your family when it comes to gifts. From now on, the new norm is that you buy each other something inexpensive. Your MiL has set the new standard. You smile and say thanks and then continue with the cheaper gifts next time.

sonjadog · 15/01/2018 19:29

I think this would be a great opportunity to change the dynamic in your family when it comes to gifts. From now on, the new norm is that you buy each other something inexpensive. Your MiL has set the new standard. You smile and say thanks and then continue with the cheaper gifts next time.

ladymariner · 15/01/2018 19:29

Surely they thought they were buying a useful gift, seeing as he goes to the gym? They were following your lead of buying cheaper but thoughtful stuff?

sonjadog · 15/01/2018 19:29

I think this would be a great opportunity to change the dynamic in your family when it comes to gifts. From now on, the new norm is that you buy each other something inexpensive. Your MiL has set the new standard. You smile and say thanks and then continue with the cheaper gifts next time.

lostinspaceyetagain · 15/01/2018 19:29

Say to them. Fabulous that we are downsizing adult birthday gifts. Could we go a step further and stop them all together and include Christmas.

Or do a secret santa- everyone writes down 3 items worth £50 that they would like. Giver has to chose from that list. You get 1 decent gift and give 1 decent gift. Total cost for a couple £100 and everyone gets something that they want.

Bluedoglead · 15/01/2018 19:32

They really can’t win can they?

Stickerrocks · 15/01/2018 19:32

But if he is an avid gym goer, they probably thought the gift was thoughtful as it was for something he enjoys doing. I know my parents wouldn't have a clue what would be considered cheap for gym clothes, they would simply buy what they thought would be nice. Also, in my family, we make a fuss of key birthdays for our parents (70th, 80th etc), but wouldn't expect them to make a fuss over 40th or 50th birthdays. Something like a 25th or 30th birthday wouldn't register on any of our radars, as It's not really significant is it?

Crumbs1 · 15/01/2018 19:32

It’s not a big birthday. He’s 30. You are being unreasonable. What you think is thoughtful might not be what others consider thoughtful. Good you stay within your budget. Other than that surely once childhood is passed, nobody really cares about presents (except perhaps from spouse) until they get very old?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 15/01/2018 19:37

YABU
You weren't happy when they complained about your inexpensive gifts to them and now you are, erm, complaining about their inexpensive gifts to your DH. Clearly you do think the value of gifts is important when it's a gift to you or your DH

This ^^

Why are they not useful or thoughtful if he is a gym user? Surely that's the definition of useful?

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 15/01/2018 19:37

They have bought cheap because you didn’t spend ‘enough’ on them on previous gifts. Suck it up and reciprocate with crappy gifts from now on.
Seriously, it’s an adult birthday,

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