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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with in laws over this gift...

113 replies

GobsmackedAndAngry · 15/01/2018 19:00

Have name changed as this is very outing!

Ok let me give a bit of background...

In laws are very much - oh look how much I've spent on presents... (usually it's all tat and useless stuff we will never use!)

I've always been - let's get thoughtful and meaningful gifts and spend what we can afford.

At Christmas last year (2016) we were fairly tight on money over Christmas and got everyone 2 really thoughtful gifts but they didn't cost a lot (we probably spent between £15 and £20 per person).

MIL was so upset that we'd only spent XYZ (she guessed a random number) on her that FIL phoned up and moaned at DH who was quite rightly devastated - he'd been suffering depression at the time too so was really low about it.

This Christmas we got her a few bits through the year and she had a good collection of stuff and we had been planning something for her 60th birthday that would have cost us £150.

It's DH's 30th Birthday today and in laws have bought him some cheap gym clothes (with the price labels still on) and sweets.

I'm gobsmacked.
Birthdays are important to me and always have been and given that this is an important one and I wouldn't normally be so angry but given all the fuss they've made over MILs gifts in the past - aibu that I'm just shocked and furious?

DH is tying to be positive about it.
I know he's disappointed but he doesn't want to upset his parents.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 15/01/2018 21:10

There is no such thing as too many gym clothes.

You sound a bit hard work, OP.

My parents are random gift buyers. Is it likely to be a bespoke leather handbag, a set of saucepans, or a set of decorative vintage luggage? Who knows?

Maybe I’ll point them towards Sweaty Betty...

Ilovetolurk · 15/01/2018 21:14

I agree one csn never have too much gym gear

They probably left the labels on so he could exchange

I feel like they can’t win

Arghhhhhhhelpjobinterview · 15/01/2018 21:18

Why don't you tell us what you thought they should have given?
Dh family are like this with total mind game presents.
Mil puts thought into gifts but not necessarily great est gifts but you know if it's shit... She meant it to be.
My dm i
On the hand wasn't great giver.. But that wasn't due to be horrid.. She put love into everything... She would never ever have played mind games like this.

Arghhhhhhhelpjobinterview · 15/01/2018 21:18

Why don't you tell us what you thought they should have given?
Dh family are like this with total mind game presents.
Mil puts thought into gifts but not necessarily great est gifts but you know if it's shit... She meant it to be.
My dm i
On the hand wasn't great giver.. But that wasn't due to be horrid.. She put love into everything... She would never ever have played mind games like this.

Heartoffire · 15/01/2018 21:25

through yes 21 makes the list Wink

Lemondrizzlee · 15/01/2018 21:27

Sweets? What is he? 10?

Lashalicious · 15/01/2018 21:29

I think all of you op are complaining too much about presents....say thank you and move on. Acting worse than toddlers, pitching a fit over birthday and Christmas presents. Sounds like you and your mil have that in common.

It’s not the end of the world, it’s presents, something none of you are entitled to anyway. How old is your husband? At least his mother did something for his birthday. Many adults, including parents of grown children, simply say happy birthday or Merry Christmas to each other and carry on.

Lashalicious · 15/01/2018 21:37

Your dh is disappointed but trying to be positive about it? What did (you and) he expect, $500 of cold hard cash? Sounds like a little crybaby. He’s 30, not 3. If a parent gives a 30 year grown adult child a box of sweets alone, that is fine. I think that is a very nice birthday present. The gym clothes are fine. Both are fine and a nice present. Say thank you. Mil and fil need to follow the same—thank you. What you got her was fine. Both sides should stop all presents until all begin the maturing process into full fledged adults. That way no sobbing fits. I’m sorry, your overreaction—“fuming” and “gobsmacked” are kinda melodramatic don’t you think.

pinkbraces · 15/01/2018 23:40

YABU and overly dramatic.

Arghhhhelpjobinterview · 15/01/2018 23:47

But it's Mil who has set up the tone here going as far as to get fil tickets ring up about the cost of her gifts. Thats a pretty big reaction no? Actually phoning up to complain? No wonder ops pissed off.

LemonysSnicket · 15/01/2018 23:57

If he’s an avid gym goer then it is thoughtful and they probably thought he’d like them ...

BackforGood · 16/01/2018 00:00

YABU

30th isn't a big birthday to most of the population.... you might have decided it is important to you and dh, but the rest of the world doesn't have to agree

They've got him something that will be useful for something he loves, and you are criticising it Confused It's not like they bought him a football scarf for the wrong team, or a jigsaw or something else he isn't interested in. Don't really see what's to moan about.

Why not just agree an approx figure to spend on each others presents, and, if you get so upset over them not guessing what he wants, produce a list of suggestions - either via an Amazon wishlist or just telling them some suggestions.

FYI, £20 is more than we would spend on any presents between adults in our family, and more than they would spend on us. Spending £££s doesn't somehow prove love.

ZoeWashburne · 16/01/2018 04:47

Gym clothes for an avid gym goer sounds the definition of ‘not expensive but thoughtful’ gift.

YABVVU.

I suggest you stop exchanging gifts with them if you are going to suck lemons over everything.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/01/2018 05:25

My mother hasn’t bought me a thoughtful gift for 20 years either. It’s always a cardigan from M&S that she likes herself. I don’t like her style being 30 years younger.

HuskyMcClusky · 16/01/2018 05:42

So, we’ve got:

  • Gobsmacked
  • Angry
  • Shocked
  • Furious; and
  • Fuming (that good old mn classic)

over some perceived discrepancy in presents that I can’t even figure out.

Seriously? Get some perspective.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/01/2018 06:34

Seems a little odd to buy someone so clearly into health and fitness sweets imo, especially an adult.
But yes, everyone has different ideas on what "big" birthdays are, they might not class 30 as big.

speakout · 16/01/2018 06:39

In our family only kids have "big birthdays".

All other gifts to adults are small token gestures. Even gifts OH and I give to each other.

It's not to do with "not caring", it's to do with not rating "stuff" highly.

Dozer · 16/01/2018 06:47

YABU.

After the ILs rude complaint about your lower cost gifts you had the option to ignore it. You chose to spend more.

You all also seem to have unrealistic expectations about others and gifts.

InfiniteSheldon · 16/01/2018 07:08

They really can't win can they another YABU

Hissy · 16/01/2018 08:22

Oh ffs with the only kids have birthdays or more laughable BIG birthdays.

A BIG birthday IS precisely for adults! Sure some dates for kids have more significance, depending on culture etc such as it’s 13, 15, 16, but from 18 then 21, 30/40/50/60 etc it’s universal!

I get what you mean op, your h feels crap, because it IS a bit shit of his parents to be so cheap on his 30th

For info, the 50th party is now overtaking the 21st as big bash, as more of us have a bit more cash when we’re older and like to splash out

Yanbu

Ilovetolurk · 16/01/2018 08:25

I might buy a friend or family member a 30th card but unless they were holding a special bash it would just be the normal present

DeadGood · 16/01/2018 08:26

“These gym clothes aren't exactly useful, he is an avid gym goer”

Jesus OP, take a look at yourself

loulou987 · 16/01/2018 08:29

You are just as bad as the in laws! ' Oh they only got him this! ' The thought, the natural nature of kindness behind gift giving has completely been lost here. What an awful & awkward family to be part of where you are judged by what you spend.

Oysterbabe · 16/01/2018 08:36

You sound like a load of children. I can't believe actual adults would throw a strop about getting good enough presents.

RedForFilth · 16/01/2018 08:55

You all sound like arseholes except maybe your husband as he doesn't seem to have really said anything!
Just sack off the presents if it makes you all so angry. I'm struggling to picture anyone over the age of 12 get so stroppy about this.

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