To be fuming with in laws over this gift...

[GobsmackedAndAngry]

Have name changed as this is very outing!

Ok let me give a bit of background...

In laws are very much - oh look how much I've spent on presents... (usually it's all tat and useless stuff we will never use!)

I've always been - let's get thoughtful and meaningful gifts and spend what we can afford.

At Christmas last year (2016) we were fairly tight on money over Christmas and got everyone 2 really thoughtful gifts but they didn't cost a lot (we probably spent between £15 and £20 per person).

MIL was so upset that we'd only spent XYZ (she guessed a random number) on her that FIL phoned up and moaned at DH who was quite rightly devastated - he'd been suffering depression at the time too so was really low about it.

This Christmas we got her a few bits through the year and she had a good collection of stuff and we had been planning something for her 60th birthday that would have cost us £150.

It's DH's 30th Birthday today and in laws have bought him some cheap gym clothes (with the price labels still on) and sweets.

I'm gobsmacked.
Birthdays are important to me and always have been and given that this is an important one and I wouldn't normally be so angry but given all the fuss they've made over MILs gifts in the past - aibu that I'm just shocked and furious?

DH is tying to be positive about it.
I know he's disappointed but he doesn't want to upset his parents.

So they spent the same as you spent on them and they are unreasonable? Ok then....

Do you think they are making a point of reciprocating with a low value/low effort gift as that's how they see what you gave them? I think some PPs are being generous giving them the benefit of the doubt... either way you both need to move on and heal this rift.
I'd be effusive with thanks, scale back the 60th budget to £50 or so and remember you can show each other you love each other in more ways than just financially.

Ooh can we have a competitive inappropriate gift thread? In laws got dh for his 40th a bottle of port (doesn't drink spirits never has) and a book on recycling. On their occasional visit they bought coffee cake and ground coffee. Dh is not fussy but hates the taste of coffee and always has.

We just smile and thank - there's weird shit going on but I don't want to give it headspace

Could this be a family cultures thing?

My in laws don't make a big deal of birthdays, my family do. My family don't make a big deal of Christmas, my in laws do.

I think the situation is actually really positive - just use it as a way of scaling back the expense, and continue to buy thoughtful and personal gifts. Get something for MIL's birthday that is of equivalent value to the DH present, but make it a nice gift all the same.

This is why we dont buy adults Christmas or Birthday presents, its ridiculous. Why is 30 a "special" Birthday, the only "special" ones are 18 when you become an adult, this has been the case since 1970, so why do people insist that 21 is a special birthday. The only reason this even came out originally was because it was considered the age a boy was big enough to weild a sword. 100, when you get a telegramme from the Queen, the others are er birthdays!!

What had expected them to have given a man of 30? I can't remember what DH's parents have bought him for his 'divisible by 10' birthdays, so I can't think of what would be expected.

Wow, lots of replies!

Ok let me clear a couple of things up.

I have NEVER and will NEVER complain about any gifts given I have been given to the people who have given them.
I've never said anything to in laws about their gifts being crap.
I just have a bit of a moan to my DH and on here. (And yes my DH is lovely and says he is grateful for anything he gets but I can still see that he felt a bit disappointed)

I don't care about the monetary value - I care that it's not thoughtful. You may think it is but honestly everyone knows how many gym clothes he has, it's a long running joke.

Birthdays are important to us and that's fine - if they're not to you that's fine.
Each to their own.

I wish I remembered what 30 felt like! Never mind getting a gift for it as well!!
Too early for ?

We don't really "do" birthdays much, including the so-called big ones. I don't recall receiving any gifts from my parents (or anyone else) for my 30th birthday. It just came and went, like all the other days of my life. I think DH and I went to a chain restaurant (one notch up from McDonald's) with our 4 year old DD after I'd finished work. I may have received a few cards. But that's it.

I hope my DS isn't expecting a "thoughtful gift" for his 40th! If he is, then he will be disappointed. I wouldn't have the slightest clue what to buy for him. I would far rather give him a monetary gift, so he can get what he actually wants, rather than what I think he may want.

Isn't this why we have amazon wishlists now? 😂

I’m enjoying the usual mental gymnastics to portray the in laws as entirely innocent and well-intentioned here. And stating their own families’ gift-giving habits and preferences as if that’s the ultimate arbiter of what’s considered reasonable in your own extended family.

I have some sympathy with you here, OP, though I think you’re overreacting a bit. Given the history around gift-giving, plus the price tags being left on, this looks like a fairly deliberate slight, though one that may seem justifiable. After all, they have ostensibly followed your lead - spending less, on fewer things that are tailored to the recipient’s interests. You can’t expect them to keep spending big if you don’t - even if that’s the pattern set previously.

I’d embrace it and gloss over the immediate slight - despite their intention they have de-escalated the gift-giving arms race. Embrace it, don’t fight it. Meet their wide-eyed innocence with wide-eyed innocence and gratitude of your own. What a thoughtful and useful gift, as well as not overspending! You will follow their lead (as they have of course followed yours), what an excellent approach.

I find that not getting worked up about the behaviour of other people makes my life better.

You n mil both sound v v unreasonable. Just stick to what you can afford in future n if mil complains (like wtf does that?!) tell her she's being unreasonable. As for you & your dh being 'disappointed' with his gift for his so called special birthday that's ybvu