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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with in laws over this gift...

113 replies

GobsmackedAndAngry · 15/01/2018 19:00

Have name changed as this is very outing!

Ok let me give a bit of background...

In laws are very much - oh look how much I've spent on presents... (usually it's all tat and useless stuff we will never use!)

I've always been - let's get thoughtful and meaningful gifts and spend what we can afford.

At Christmas last year (2016) we were fairly tight on money over Christmas and got everyone 2 really thoughtful gifts but they didn't cost a lot (we probably spent between £15 and £20 per person).

MIL was so upset that we'd only spent XYZ (she guessed a random number) on her that FIL phoned up and moaned at DH who was quite rightly devastated - he'd been suffering depression at the time too so was really low about it.

This Christmas we got her a few bits through the year and she had a good collection of stuff and we had been planning something for her 60th birthday that would have cost us £150.

It's DH's 30th Birthday today and in laws have bought him some cheap gym clothes (with the price labels still on) and sweets.

I'm gobsmacked.
Birthdays are important to me and always have been and given that this is an important one and I wouldn't normally be so angry but given all the fuss they've made over MILs gifts in the past - aibu that I'm just shocked and furious?

DH is tying to be positive about it.
I know he's disappointed but he doesn't want to upset his parents.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/01/2018 19:37

On the face of it, you buy "really thoughtful" gifts for around £15, you hate the extravagance of bigger gifts saying it's "Ooh look how much we've spent"
...and now your dh (an avid gym goer) has received some gym clothes.

Thought has gone into that and they haven't been extravagant. I think it's fine.
There's obviously a huge back story here but as it stands, this reeks of double standards and your reactions; "Devastated and Fuming" are overly dramatic really. Sorry.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 15/01/2018 19:37

YABU
You weren't happy when they complained about your inexpensive gifts to them and now you are, erm, complaining about their inexpensive gifts to your DH. Clearly you do think the value of gifts is important when it's a gift to you or your DH

This ^^

Why are they not useful or thoughtful if he is a gym user? Surely that's the definition of useful?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/01/2018 19:37

On the face of it, you buy "really thoughtful" gifts for around £15, you hate the extravagance of bigger gifts saying it's "Ooh look how much we've spent"
...and now your dh (an avid gym goer) has received some gym clothes.

Thought has gone into that and they haven't been extravagant. I think it's fine.
There's obviously a huge back story here but as it stands, this reeks of double standards and your reactions; "Devastated and Fuming" are overly dramatic really. Sorry.

thecatsarecrazy · 15/01/2018 19:37

My dh had some toffee for his 30th.. A day late

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 15/01/2018 19:37

They have bought cheap because you didn’t spend ‘enough’ on them on previous gifts. Suck it up and reciprocate with crappy gifts from now on.

thecatsarecrazy · 15/01/2018 19:37

My dh had some toffee for his 30th.. A day late

YellowMakesMeSmile · 15/01/2018 19:37

YABU
You weren't happy when they complained about your inexpensive gifts to them and now you are, erm, complaining about their inexpensive gifts to your DH. Clearly you do think the value of gifts is important when it's a gift to you or your DH

This ^^

Why are they not useful or thoughtful if he is a gym user? Surely that's the definition of useful?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 15/01/2018 19:38

YABU
You weren't happy when they complained about your inexpensive gifts to them and now you are, erm, complaining about their inexpensive gifts to your DH. Clearly you do think the value of gifts is important when it's a gift to you or your DH

This ^^

Why are they not useful or thoughtful if he is a gym user? Surely that's the definition of useful?

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 15/01/2018 19:38

They have bought cheap because you didn’t spend ‘enough’ on them on previous gifts. Suck it up and reciprocate with crappy gifts from now on.
Seriously, it’s an adult birthday, I’m not sure what you are expecting, gym clothes seems a great gift. You do sound a bit spoilt and needy.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/01/2018 19:41

It's both thoughtful and useful and most importantly they haven't bought anything big and showy because you hate extravagance.
I don't know why you aren't more pleased!

"Devastated" and "Fuming" are overly dramatic reactions to presents.
No need for all this angst over who buys what and how much it cost. Life's too short.

itshappening · 15/01/2018 19:43

They are obviously not very nice people, the giveaway being complaining about the monetary value of the Xmas presents you gave them. Who on earth does that in any relationship (let alone parent-child) when they have still been given thoughtful gifts? I know no one who would do that.

The present for the 30th, which I agree with pp is not a 'big' birthday, seems ok, and to be honest you don't want to go tit for tat with them and be fussy about gifts like they are. It is reasonable to give gym clothes if he loves the gym. Besides, it is irrelevant because from previous behaviour you have already seen they are unreasonable on this issue and probably others too. I would just not have any expectations and not engage in any back and forth.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/01/2018 19:43

I think it was really rude for your fil to phone you and complain about how much money you spent on mil at Christmas.
I would tell them that going forward I will only be spending X amount on gifts per adult or if they would prefer, we could all opt out of buying for each other. I would explain that this isn't due to lack of love, but lack of budget, then leave them to do what they want with their own gift buying.
They will have been duly warned and if I was on the receiving end of criticism next year, I would no longer buy for thrm and would have no hesitation in pointing out that their behaviour is rude.

All that being said, I think gym clothes for a gym goer is a nice present and 30 is not a big birthday to anyone other than the person whose birthday it is.

Abricot1993 · 15/01/2018 19:45

You are lucky OP, this is a first world problem you have.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 15/01/2018 19:48

OP, my MIL has never ever sent a birthday gift, or even a card, for DH! He doesn't care. She remembers the children, albeit never on the actual day!
At least they tried to think what he might want (he does go to the gym, so gym clothes are always useful, in their minds).
As an adult I really couldn't give two hoots about adult birthdays

Wow1234 · 15/01/2018 19:49

Could you politely ask for the receipt and return them and get something else he would prefer? I would say thank you very much but he has recently bought a load of new gym gear so it would be better to swap
It for xxxxxx. That's what I would do if he won't wear the items otherwise it's such a waste.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/01/2018 19:49

I agree Abricot. I can't imagine being "Gobsmacked and angry" over some gym clothes.
It's not worth getting into a state over. Sad

C0untDucku1a · 15/01/2018 19:55

My parents havent got me anything thoughtful in 20 years. It is usually a dressing gown, i dont wear them, or pyjamas. £25 limit.

jacks11 · 15/01/2018 19:56

Your PIL were very rude to complain about the christmas presents.

However, YABU too. For a start, I really don't think 30th is counted as a "big birthday" needing special recognition.And not everyone makes a massive deal of birthdays anyway. I wouldn't treat a 30th like an 18th birthday. It's not the significant IMHO. Perhaps your PIL feel the same.

Leaving price labels on the present is a bit of a faux pas, but the present itself seems reasonable if your DH does enjoy going to the gym. You didn't like it when they bought you lots of "expensive tat" and you didn't like them complaining about your gift. Now they have bought your cheaper gifts you are reacting in a very similar manner.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 15/01/2018 20:01

YABU You weren't happy when they complained about your inexpensive gifts to them and now you are, erm, complaining about their inexpensive gifts to your DH. Clearly you do think the value of gifts is important when it's a gift to you or your DH

This ^^

He goes to the gym, they bought him gym clothes. That sounds thoughtful. I don't see the problem

helenoftroyville · 15/01/2018 20:02

How can you judge their gifts, but get upset when they judge yours?

Your entire family need to get a grip and stop placing so much importance on presents.

YippeeKiYayMelonFarmer · 15/01/2018 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 15/01/2018 20:05

I'd like to hear MIL's viewpoint on this, I'm guessing it goes something like this "We like to give meaningful and thoughtful gifts. We try to be generous. Sometimes we get it right, other times perhaps not so much, but we do our best. We noticed that DS and DIL gave smaller gifts last year, we assumed they were on a budget, we checked that they were content to exchange smaller gifts as we didn't like to embarrass them, for DS' birthday we bought some gym clothes, now I hear that DIL is complaining we didn't spend enough. We can't win, can we?"

mrsquadsticles · 15/01/2018 20:06

My DH got an electric fly swat for his 40th (he’s a passionate animal-loving veggie, doesn’t even kill flies) and one Christmas got a gift that had a squirrel tail as part of its decoration.

iamyourequal · 15/01/2018 20:07

OP it may seem a bit odd to you (because you are presumably as young as your DH), but it's quite likely your PIL don't acknowledge 30 as a big birthday. Celebrating it as one is a very modern thing. Also, These gym clothes aren't exactly useful, he is an avid gym goer and has lots already. But how can they win?! They know their own son likes going to the gym (and presumably eating sweets). To me their gift seems thoughtful and appropriate. They have even left the tags on in case they did not get it quite right and he wants to swap the clothes! Given your rather meagre budget for them, all seems in order. (Out of interest, what did you and DH get each other for Christmas?).

lljkk · 15/01/2018 20:08

My dad & I don't buy each other gifts. It's soooooo liberating.

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