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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel very annoyed about this?

279 replies

Purplerain101 · 14/01/2018 12:27

I have a WhatsApp group with 6 of my closest friends who I’ve known since school. One of them posted on it this morning saying

“my name looks a state in her Facebook photos from last night. Why does she feel the need to wear such hideous clothes all the time”.

It was obviously meant to be sent to someone else from the group, and not the whole group. My name is very unusual so she was definitely talking about me, and I also posted some new photos on FB last night.
I sent her a message saying “Thanks for that” and she’s just replied saying “my mistake but don’t start making a song and dance out of it as I was only joking”.

We have been friends for 20 years and I thought we would have grown out of being bitchy by now. I feel really crap knowing one of my best friends has been making fun of me

OP posts:
HolyShet · 14/01/2018 15:14

No purple I don't think you are a "sensitive wee flower" - that's just what horrid woman wants the others to think as she tries to backtrack.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 14/01/2018 15:25

What nasty cows. I'm sorry this happened to you.

whiteroseredrose · 14/01/2018 15:35

And that's the problem with social media. Things are posted and shared and there for everyone to see. Had she said that not posted it, just said it, OP would have been none the wiser. The poster may indeed think OP's clothes are awful but it doesn't mean that she doesn't like her as a person.

I'm in a group of friends that have been close for 15+ years now. One of the group does have a slightly bizarre dress sense but it makes no difference to anyone else, it's her choice. Nobody would dream of saying anything to her or normally to each other. But some of us did have an eye-widening moment when she announced that she had offered to take a friend's teenage daughter clothes shopping 'because she's the most stylish of the group'.

So would we BU to smile at that after she'd gone? Doesn't mean we don't love her and want to be her friend. And nothing would ever get posted on social media about it. Just wouldn't want her to take DD shopping!

PoorYorick · 14/01/2018 15:54

Well haven't you just risen above, OP. Keep your head held high, you dignity and whatever the fuck clothes you want to wear. Let them scrabble and bitch, people like that will always backstab each other.

NeilPetark · 14/01/2018 15:55

How horrible, and now you know who she aimed to bitch at.

Cornettoninja · 14/01/2018 16:28

Doesn't mean we don't love her and want to be her friend. And nothing would ever get posted on social media about it. Just wouldn't want her to take DD shopping

I think that's normal, and dare say I have said some things about people when they weren't there/behind their backs (however you want to look at it) that they wouldn't necessarily like to hear. As it is I try very hard to not say anything I wouldn't say to someone face to face.

The difference is the reaction. If I thought for one second I'd upset or hurt someone unintentionally I would be apologetic and desperate to make it right.

The person in the op knows she's hurt her friends feelings and is choosing to belittle those feelings. That's why she's a cow.

bingbongnoise · 14/01/2018 16:57

@purplerain101

Oh FFS what a nasty horrible thing to happen - and you are NOT over-reacting and have every right to be upset and hurt. And this 'friend' is a behaving like a fucking cow.

OK here is my twopennyworth!

You say she put 'some people make a mountain out of a molehill,' and people 'liked' it - but these people may not have known what she was on about. I sometimes 'like' posts on FB without paying attention. (I usually do but occasionally don't!) So don't assume everyone is against you. (I know that's easier said than done when you are hurting...)

ALSO, you doing the 'blocking' and moving away from it, has given the woman a perfect opportunity to get her side firmly across. Do these other friends know what was said and what she did?!!!

You need to get your side in. Unblock, and go onto the group chat or FB thread. and post 'you KNOW what you said, you backstabbing nasty cow. You mocked and laughed at my dress sense, and then when I got a bit upset about it, as I was ENTITLED TO - you told me to not be so sensitive and shut me down, like I was a fucking snowflake. And now you bitch about me behind my back to others. Unless you apologise, you are officially out of my life! And so is anyone else who sides with you! I am worth better than this fucking shitty treatment!'

Make sure EVERYONE knows what she did and how she treated you!

(You may wanna leave the bad language out - it's up to you!)

And then leave others to make up their mind. It's a tough thing to do, but don't leave it like this, as SHE is winning when SHE is in the fucking wrong! Angry

You poor soul, you sound so lovely, and your dress sense DOES sound great. (I love boho style) I am gonna agree with the posters who say she is flat out jealous of you.

What a c*nt she sounds.

But yeah, don't leave it. Get your side in. Talk to these friends and tell them what she said and did to you. How DARE she treat you this way? What a fucking cow!

Upshot is - don't assume everyone has turned against you (though it's easy to think this at the moment!) because I think all people are doing is listening to what she is saying and hearing her side. The 'silence' from people is probably coz they don't know what to say, or are waiting to hear from you...

You need to get your side in and let people know what a bitch she is. And maybe try and find out which friend she was sending the message to!

Good luck. I hope you get this sorted. She owes you a massive apology. Online AND in person.

afreshnewname · 14/01/2018 17:12

Absolutely unblock her, post the screenshot on her status and 'MOLEHILL?!'

Original poster
Purplerain101 · 14/01/2018 17:32

Update:
She actually came to my house and knocked on the door (she lives round the corner) and asked if she could chat. I let her in as wanted to hear her side of the story and maybe get a big apology.
She was really arsey with me and said how disappointed she was that i’d blocked her and I need to stop being so sensitive about things as it was clearly meant as a joke. She admitted that she’d meant to send it to one of the other girls and they sometimes have a giggle together about what I wear. She eventually apologised for hurting my feelings and said it was just banter.
I was very frosty In my response and just told her I was shocked that she could be so cruel and real friends don’t call each other a “state” and being nasty like that.
We left it like that as I couldn’t be bothered getting into an argument when I could tell she wasn’t really sorry and thought I was over reacting.

OP posts:
athingthateveryoneneeds · 14/01/2018 17:35

Wow. She really must enjoy drama.

Original poster
Purplerain101 · 14/01/2018 17:37

She’s definitely not lacking in confidence. She didn’t seem remotely embarrassed! I’d be absolutely mortified if it was the other way round and i’d been caught out bitching. Guess she really doesn’t think it was that big of a deal.

OP posts:
HolyShet · 14/01/2018 17:38

She is not who you thought she was before, but I would take this as her trying to keep the friendship. Albeit half-heartedly.

She was probably told to go round to yours and apologise by the others in the group, you know that?

HolyShet · 14/01/2018 17:39

(she has got a brass neck to pull a sorry-not sorry in person at this stage of the game)

Gemini69 · 14/01/2018 17:39

How she can defend her behaviour is just beyond the pale... it just shows you who she truly is.... Pure Poison... Flowers

you need to stand up for yourself ... this will be why she came to your down shouting you down.. they know you will back down... so tell her to FUCK OFF.. worst case scenario they don't talk to you again... but I'd consider that a bonus Flowers

Gemini69 · 14/01/2018 17:41

correction Grin

this will be why she came to your door shouting you down..

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/01/2018 17:42

Anyone who uses the word "banter" to justify their awful behaviour should be tied to a fence post and pelted with dogshit, it's a pathetic way to gloss over dreadful behaviour. She knows she was a cunt and she's upset at being called out on it. Call her out on it as much as you like; she has no right to tell you how you get to react to her bullshit.

FoggyDew17 · 14/01/2018 17:42

I am stunned that she actually said they have a giggle. So sorry you've had to go through this. Know that you are the better person. How sad to live a life with that POs mindset. Onwards and upwards girl,hope you're doing OK

LushBlitzer · 14/01/2018 17:46

OP did she say who the other girl she meant to send it to was? I personally wouldn't want to be friends with those two anymore. As for the others, I'd let them know your side and decide based on their reactions.

Original poster
Purplerain101 · 14/01/2018 17:48

@lush she did tell me who. Might send a message to the others (not those two) and explain how hurt I am by bitchface but I don’t want it to affect my friendship with them at all. Will be interesting to see how they respond

OP posts:
bingbongnoise · 14/01/2018 17:51

@PurpleRain101

Yeah she is definitely a bitch.

OP, still do what I (and several others said,) and have your say on the facebook chat and wherever else she is blathering on. You MUST get your side in! What's been said isn't 'banter' and I am royally fucked off with people being nasty cunts, and calling it 'banter' and labelling anyone who is offended as a 'sensitive snowflake.' Hmm

Unblock her and anyone else you have blocked and have your say, and then re-block.

After that visit to you, (by her,) I am actually gobsmacked.

She sounds vile.

bumbleymummy · 14/01/2018 17:58

How horrible for you. FWIW I think you’ve handled it very well. She obviously isn’t a nice person and neither is the other ‘friend’ that she ‘has a giggle with’ about you.

Tistheseason17 · 14/01/2018 18:03

They are childish little mares.
Friends don't talk about other friends in that way. I have friends who dress differently to me and like different things to me. This is what makes our friendships special - not an opportunity to bitch behind their backs!

CornforthWhite · 14/01/2018 18:04

You need to message all of them including the one she said she was bitching with. Tell her what was said and that it has hurt your feelings. You are totally within your rights to say this whole episode has really upset you. The one she was bitching with might genuinely apologise. Don’t lose more friendships than you have to.
She does feel bad about what she’s done even if she’s too proud and dumb to give you a proper apology.

Consideringbeingamom · 14/01/2018 18:05

She sounds totally arrogant. Op you've done the right thing Flowers

LoniceraJaponica · 14/01/2018 18:10

Anyone who thinks making unpleasant personal remarks about someone is just banter is socially inept and a bully.

My response would be "it clearly isn't a joke because I"m not laughing"

This site explains it well.

"Just kidding” is simply another way of saying, “I meant it and now I’m cutting you off without giving you a chance to respond.”
An insult is not a joke. A joke has a set-up and a punchline.
An insult does not become a joke just because you say it’s a joke. It’s not a joke just because you tell it with a smile. It’s an insult.

I took the above from this excellent article. The advice there is to just say "that hurt my feelings".

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