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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu with mil

107 replies

Feb2018mumma · 14/01/2018 09:35

Cutting this story super short becuase it could be an essay...

Last week I went round to mil for dinner and heard her talking about me in the kitchen to my FIL. How I'm ungrateful and obviously don't like her ect.

I go to her house 3 times a week, I'm heavily pregnant, I work full time and I am at uni so as you can imagine I was shocked that she thought I didn't like her when I spend all my free time with her.

I didn't want an argument or to stress my unborn baby so just drove off.

Next day she came round saying we needed to put it behind us... no apology... long story short I said I wasn't ready, she shouted and I ended up having midwife and community midwife becuase had panic attack and baby stopped moving.

DH said I need to let it go. She eventually came and said sorry if I heard anything... not sorry she said it but sorry if I heard and dh thought that meant she was amazing.

I said I forgave her but Midwofe told me to stay away for a bit as not worth stress on myself this late on in pregnancy. Dh doesn't understand why I won't see her... I arranged will see her next week for a meal but just want time off to try process everything and keep relaxed... he hasn't spoke to me in 2 days now apart from grunts, feel like my marriage is over.

When we were fallen out mil text dh constantly saying she was depressed and when he went to see her she was saying she couldnt move she was so depressed becuase I won't let her see her grandaughter... who isn't even born yet and I havent said a word about with holding my unborn child.

I feel like she has emotionally black mailed him and he now blames me! All I did was hear someone talk about me and leave? Any advice to fix my life and marriage in the next 2 weeks before i give birth would be great!!!!!!

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 14/01/2018 09:40

The problem here is your partner who is making excuses for and enabling his mother's shitty behaviour. The most important thing here is the safety and wellbeing of you and your baby and you may decide to park it for now. But you will have to deal with it eventually. You can't stay with someone who goes not have your back. If MIL is angling for alone time with the baby or having your P bring the baby round, nip that in the bud straight away. Hope you're okay

Snowysky20009 · 14/01/2018 09:42

Wow she really is a nice lady ain't she! Tell him you are not moving forward in this until you at least have an apology and an explanation as to why she said it. Not just an explanation because you heard it.
Please listen to your midwife though, think about number one (and 2!) and keep a distance until at least after the birth.

NewYearNewMe18 · 14/01/2018 09:44

How I'm ungrateful and obviously don't like her ect.

What was the basis of her conversation with FIL that you eavesdropped on?

Greensleeves · 14/01/2018 09:46

That must have been really hurtful

DH needs to grow up, step up and stand up for his wife and child! Sadly if he's grown up with her manipulating and emotional blackmail it will be tough to get him to see the situation objectively. So for the time being you'll have to be very self-protective and insist on your own space. It's not good for you or the baby to be around someone who treats you like crap, which is far more important than her weeping and wailing.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 14/01/2018 09:48

You see her far too much in my opinion. 3 times a week? You should not be pressured into spending any time with her if you don't want to. It isn't for your husband to decide anything for you - it isn't him who was getting bitched about!

His lack of support and understanding is a huge problem. I would have it out with him, tell him I am hurt by his mother, that it changes how I see her and the future relationship. This is her doing and you are not obliged to fix it. Tell him you will not be seeing her until you want to and he either stops acting like a brat or he fucks off bsck to his mother's and you will seek legal advice.

Don't muck about now - this sort of shit sets the pattern for your whole marriage and will only get worse once the baby is born.

Bazzle · 14/01/2018 09:48

Why are you seeing her 3 times a week? Sounds very excessive tbh, certainly there me to cut down in light of what she's said.

sixteenapples · 14/01/2018 09:51

But you don't like her, And maybe you do come across as ungrateful. Adults get past these things,

Put it behind you. We all say things about others that we would hate overheard - it is often a context thing or just how you are feeling. Of course you are upset but my advice - accept apology, focus on your baby,

If you get into a fight everyone loses - including you baby

bastardkitty · 14/01/2018 09:52

sixteenapples you seem to be fantasising and projecting wildly. Do you have DIL you don't really like?

RandomUsernameHere · 14/01/2018 09:52

Sorry to be negative but I can only see her overbearing, controlling behaviour getting worse when your baby is born. I think you should try and set some clear boundaries sooner rather than later.

sixteenapples · 14/01/2018 09:55

Sorry "your baby" (typo - - who would benefit from having dad and grandmother around,

Original poster

Feb2018mumma · 14/01/2018 09:56

Don't know how to say it without making it obvious it's me if she reads the thread! She fed my dog a food that's poisonous, I told her to stop, she said was fine and dh said I said 'with a tone' he is our dog it's up to us

OP posts:

hesterton · 14/01/2018 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bastardkitty · 14/01/2018 09:58

Oh dear. That's completely unacceptable and your dh sounds useless.

Whatatado · 14/01/2018 09:58

what a horrible thing to happen to you.

But the issue is your DH, only he can resolve this. Unless and until he makes it clear to his DM that her behaviour was unacceptable she will continue. Pressurising you to overlook his DM’s bad behaviour will only enable her.

ATeardropExplodes · 14/01/2018 10:02

How I'm ungrateful and obviously don't like her ect.

I think you need your husband to get to the bottom of why they think you are ungrateful and don't like her. If you didn't like here why are you round there 3 times a week?

Or just step back, enjoy your life and let them get on with it.

sixteenapples · 14/01/2018 10:02

Seriously, bastardkitty - fantasising??

No, no Dil at all. Kids too young,

I just think that these things can get blown out of all proportion. If OP escalates and seeks legal advice as suggested and forces her DP to alienate his mother then nobody wins.

The MiL said something she shouldn't. We were not there. Maybe OP is seeing too much of her and maybe doesn't seem grateful for all she has. Not a nice comment but she has apologised.

If MiL was previously ok, (and OP saw her three times a week), and marriage was otherwise good then this incident should be dealt with and put behind them. MiLs can be very, very helpful for childcare/babysitting as well as other things.

That's all I am saying. Seeking legal advice seems a bit hasty. However up to OP of course - only she knows what she wants

Original poster

Feb2018mumma · 14/01/2018 10:03

@sixteenapples I didn't have an issue at all, I only had an issue after she talked about me behind my back! I said to DH she could have waited an hour til I left to talk about me! If I didn't like her I wouldn't have been going around 3 times a week! She isn't my issue anyway, as far as she is concerned we are back to normal as i told her i forgave her. It's my husband, he is telling me to go against medical advice to see her before next week which i dont think is that far away and barely talking to me.

OP posts:

yorkshireyummymummy · 14/01/2018 10:03

From my perspective you have TWO problems.

A nasty mother in law who won’t admit she is wrong.
A weak husband who is siding with her over you.

I would be inclined to take your midwifes advice and just concentrate on yourself and baby. It concerns me that MIL came round the day after the event and rather than being contrite and upset she had hurt you she chose not to apologise and then to shout at you. Nice behaviour with a heavily pregnant woman.
Keep your distance. You are close to giving birth and you don’t need the stress seeing her will bring you AND baby. She is the one in the wrong, not you.
I think you are very nice for agreeing to see her for a meal. I would downgrade it to a coffee. Less pressure. Your husband is an unsupportive shity mummy’s boy for taking her side over yours. And only speaking to you in grunts! She has obviously passed her nasty streak onto him.
I don’t know what to advise you to do over DH. I’m really hot headed so i would be having an argument with him but I appreciate not everybody is like me and it’s not the best advice so wait for someone sensible to come along with what to do with him!
However, I do agreed and wholeheartedly concur with bastardkitty tha5 under no circumstances whatsoever would I be allowing husband to take my newborn daughter round to MILs house. No way Jose. If you are anything like me though once you get that baby home you won’t want to be parted for a minute.
Spend the next two weeks with your feet up, read some nice books, eat some nice food and watch some good telly and get lots of sleep. Don’t let this silly bloody woman who can’t control,what she says about someone when they are in her house spoil these special time.
Good luck sweetheart!
Oh , and show DH this thread. We aren’t feminist man haters on here, we are just normal women of all ages , some with kids who try to support each other and give advice.

lurkingnotlurking · 14/01/2018 10:06

Your dh is a wet blanket. He really should man up. You should be the most important person, not his mother (who you see too often).

Bollooooooocks · 14/01/2018 10:09

Obviously you dh needs to grow a pair, no question about that .... but why are you going there so often why do you need her for? When someone like her is so shit you need to cut down on the visits otherwise things get too loose especially with a shit hubby like this who wants to satisfy mummy!

KayaG · 14/01/2018 10:09

Your problem,as others have said is your husband. If he won't take your side here and protect you then you may as well call it quits now. It will happen eventually, so the sooner you leave the better.

Or this will be the rest of your life.

Littlelambpeep · 14/01/2018 10:10

The one thing that is standing out to me is the 'not letting you see her grandchild' comment. So that way of thinking and manipulation coupled with dh is really difficult.

I would try not to engage with her. Pull away from her. Dh needs to support you.

sixteenapples · 14/01/2018 10:10

Ah, more info.. she fed poisonous food to the dog and you said "in a tone"... So ;
a - you don't actually like her
b your DH knows this - yet is unhappy about that and criticises you for the way you speak to his mother
c she does things in your home that she should not and your DH does not support you.

Different circumstances.

Blackteadrinker77 · 14/01/2018 10:14

I would be mortified if my MIL thought I didn't like her.

I'd go for a coffee with her and find out why she feels that way.

The controlling comment just seems like she is hurt.

sixteenapples · 14/01/2018 10:15

Sorry OP - just seen your latest post. My apologies. I misunderstood the "dog" post.

I think I'd better leave this thread as I haven't helped at all. Sorry. Just wanted to provide balance. Hope it works out and good luck with your new baby.

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