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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu with mil

107 replies

Feb2018mumma · 14/01/2018 09:35

Cutting this story super short becuase it could be an essay...

Last week I went round to mil for dinner and heard her talking about me in the kitchen to my FIL. How I'm ungrateful and obviously don't like her ect.

I go to her house 3 times a week, I'm heavily pregnant, I work full time and I am at uni so as you can imagine I was shocked that she thought I didn't like her when I spend all my free time with her.

I didn't want an argument or to stress my unborn baby so just drove off.

Next day she came round saying we needed to put it behind us... no apology... long story short I said I wasn't ready, she shouted and I ended up having midwife and community midwife becuase had panic attack and baby stopped moving.

DH said I need to let it go. She eventually came and said sorry if I heard anything... not sorry she said it but sorry if I heard and dh thought that meant she was amazing.

I said I forgave her but Midwofe told me to stay away for a bit as not worth stress on myself this late on in pregnancy. Dh doesn't understand why I won't see her... I arranged will see her next week for a meal but just want time off to try process everything and keep relaxed... he hasn't spoke to me in 2 days now apart from grunts, feel like my marriage is over.

When we were fallen out mil text dh constantly saying she was depressed and when he went to see her she was saying she couldnt move she was so depressed becuase I won't let her see her grandaughter... who isn't even born yet and I havent said a word about with holding my unborn child.

I feel like she has emotionally black mailed him and he now blames me! All I did was hear someone talk about me and leave? Any advice to fix my life and marriage in the next 2 weeks before i give birth would be great!!!!!!

OP posts:
Fullerhouse · 14/01/2018 10:16

I totally agree you should be able to spend time away from her , I’d say to dh, im in my last weeks of pregnancy I’ve been so busy with work uni etc I am going for enjoy the last few weeks the way I want and relax so no I won’t be going to mil’s three times a week and if your going to sit with a sour face and ruin these last few weeks of pregnancy then you go see mil. I have no problems with her and she can see her grandchild I’ve never said different and that’s the last I’ll be speaking about it because these last few weeks are about me and baby relaxing and preparing for birth no one else. I’d be perfectly fine with her when I saw her and if she didn’t have form for this I’d totally forgive and forget but I’d also listen to the midwives and try and love as strsss free as possible.

Ermmm6 · 14/01/2018 10:16

I’m really sorry @Feb2018mumma but your DH sounds like a spineless mummy’s boy who doesn’t respect you and cares more about his mother than his wife and unborn baby.

Your MIL is an arse but your DH is worse.

Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 14/01/2018 10:19

@sixteenapples if you had a dog, if anyone fed it chocoate and you told them not to and they carried on I can assure you you would probably have a tone! I said to DH my mum could have done it and I would have been the exact same? I'm not sure what your obsession is with me not liking her when I've said multiple times that's not it!

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 14/01/2018 10:22

Your DH is a spineless dick who hasn’t got your back now and it will get worse after the baby is born
You are a grown up, you don’t get told when you have to go and visit someone

worriedaboutchristmas · 14/01/2018 10:29

Yanbu, but I fear there's not much you can do about it. Whatever went before, the am dram performance of "not being able to move because I'm soooo depressed! She's stopping me seeing MY granddaughter!" Would suggest that she is a manipulative and controlling person with little perspective outside of her own wants.

Your husbands follow up to that of sulking and silent treatment because you haven't towed the line is more worrying still. The apple hasn't fallen far has it?

This kind of behaviour will escalate once baby is here. They will ramp up the control and manipulation. Good luck op

LML83 · 14/01/2018 10:29

Reassure your dh you wouldn't stop her accessing baby and will be civil but you aren't going to go beyond that as you thought she liked you and she doesn't. The relationship has now changed.

If MIL works at it I am sure it could be restored but doesn't sound like she will.

Then tell him it is stressing you out and bad for baby that he isn't being his normal self. Dh is being awful by trying to force you to appease MIL when you haven't done anything wrong.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2018 10:32

Your DH is actually making a poor situation worse by his pathetic sulking.

Tell him so. Tell him that if he continues to sulk about it, and FORCE you to see your MIL before you're ready, and if anything goes wrong because of it, then HE will be the biggest problem in the relationship between you all.

I can't bear this sort of mummy's boy shit, I really can't. He needs to grow the fuck up before this baby comes along or he'll be no kind of use to you at all.

Just tell him straight that he should be having your back, not kowtowing to his back-stabbing mother - it's YOUR baby, YOUR pregnancy and YOU will do what's right for both you and your baby, not for him and his mother.

Glitterbugg · 14/01/2018 10:34

I once heard a voicemail left on DH phone. They’d obviously thought they’d hung up, the contents of the voicemail was about me - and it was not pleasant.
They’d bought me a very nice present the week before for graduating and i was quite shocked. DH was furious and rang then straight away and went mad! Basically, they’re a family who aren’t straight talkers, and they tend to avoid conflict or admitting they have any feelings that aren’t completely positive. DH had been straight with them in a text message (he’d gotten more confident about talking etc after not living with them for several years!) and they assumed it was me, and that anything else that had been said that was even the smallest amount “direct” had come from me. Think DH was also really annoyed at the fact they don’t give him any credit for being his own person and having his own opinions!
We have got past that now as it was several years ago, but it wasn’t easy.
I initially got the same “sorry you heard that” apology rather than being actually remorseful. The next couple of times I was apparently “off” with them when we saw them. I probably was tbf cos I just felt like I couldn’t believe a word they said. This resulted in MIL ringing DH and saying that they loved him and wanted to see him (and DC) but not me. He was a bit overwhelmed so said nothing on the phone at that time but contacted them the next day to tell them, that he wouldn’t be going along with that. We’re also his family and if that’s how they felt he wouldn’t be engaging with anyone who was trying to create problems because of their own issues (ie not believing him in the first place and then slagging me off)
They did apologise properly (albeit only when they realised they wouldn’t be able to draw DH in to choosing sides - well they could but they wouldn’t “win”)

It has been a rocky few years, they’re very different from me anyway which probably made it all more difficult.

However, I have to say DH was brilliant with it all and came to the conclusion that they had caused the situation so they had better sort it and build bridges.

Sorry OP but this does not bode well for when your baby arrives!

Softkitty2 · 14/01/2018 10:36

You have a dh problem. I can feel this getting worst when your child is born.

Start as you mean to go on.

Goodluck.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 14/01/2018 10:39

Obviously you have a DH problem. He doesn't have your back. I would say to him he needs to hear it from the midwifes own mouth. Tell your midwife he is persuading you to go against her advice and let him explain how you meeting his mum is more important than the safety of your baby.

But as someone else has said, you have more pressing matters. You might have to deal with this afterwards.

The thing that would worry me (and I like to think ahead so forgive me) is that she feeds your dog something poisonous. You say no. She continues. When you raise it again, you have a 'tone'. What's to say she's going to overrule you with your baby? Well actually I'd bet money she will overrule you. And she will do it in such a way as to make you feel the bad guy. And as your DH is so spineless, he will join in.

Having a baby can be terrifying without the support and care from people close to you. I worry you will find this a near impossible task with the set up at the moment.

Do you have any family near? Is there anyone you can rely on to help or do you trust the midwife to help, put you in touch with some local groups? You need a support network. One that has firmly got your back Flowers

bastardkitty · 14/01/2018 10:42

@Glitterbug that's a really interesting post. So PILs first response was a fauxpology and to try and split your family. It was only when your H stood firm and said he won't go along with this that they were forced to shift their position. I think that's a pretty good illustration of excellent handling. I also think blaming uncomfortable truths on the DIL is a common is a standard strategy. There can be a huge sense of threat between PILs and DILs. If the H is clear and transparent about supporting the W (as long as they are reasonable) then the PILs immediately know they have to accept the situation. Toxic people are the exception to this of course.

flumpybear · 14/01/2018 10:46

She needs to apologise and your DH needs to sort this out before it goes in for years!

Jenny17 · 14/01/2018 10:54

Don’t stress out over things. You are not being unreasonable.

Blackteadrinker77 · 14/01/2018 10:58

@glitterbug- You have a keeper there

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/01/2018 11:00

You're probably going round to her house too much anyway so let things cool and see her less regularly. 3 times a week seems an awful lot of your week spent visiting her?

I can't understand how you fit all this in..?
-working full time,
-completing a university course,
-heavily pregnant
and you have a dog and your own home to look after?

How on earth do you have time to visit the ILs? Confused

I agree with the suggestions to not let this blow up into a shitstorm. It's rather dramatic to say you have been given "medical advice" not to see her!
Step back, keep it civil and hopefully your relationship with mil can be repaired in time to some degree.

Greensleeves · 14/01/2018 11:00

It may be that dh's protective instincts will kick in once the baby arrives and it all feels a bit more real to him

but in the meantime you need to prioritise your own wellbeing, whether it upsets MIL or not - she's an adult, she'll just have to cope with the consequences of her actions

BurningStar · 14/01/2018 11:11

OP you need to sort your DH out now!

You need to tell him to grow a backbone and to start supporting you and standing up to his mother. Otherwise you'll be leaving.

I can guarantee things will only get worse once your baby arrives! She'll be expecting you to go there 3 times a week with a newborn!

Put your foot down. HARD!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/01/2018 11:13

You haven't done anything wrong, your MIL is the one with the problem.
Your Husband is behaving like a child, he needs to man up.
Oh, and don't forget to tell him, that pigs grunt !

strangerhoesagain · 14/01/2018 11:13

She’s awful but a panic attack and emergency midwife? Come on

shakingmyhead1 · 14/01/2018 11:15

to be honest if my husband told me i had a "tone" after anyone fed the dog chocolate after i had said not to, i would have said " You betya i had a FUCKEN tone!"
And
I would be having a fucken tone right now too about him being a mummies boy, he needs to grow up; and be a man now hes 2 weeks from being a dad! starting with protecting and supporting his wife! OH id have a FUCKEN tone alright!

Blackteadrinker77 · 14/01/2018 11:23

@strangerhoesagain Some people have bad anxiety and any thing can trigger a panic attack.

rothbury · 14/01/2018 11:34

You have a DH problem - he sounds like a spineless mummys boy.

I can't understand why someone with your heavy commitment schedule is expected to see their MIL three times a week. Are you going alone or is DH with you? Is this some kind of wifework?

Do you have friends/family/support nearby?

I have a feeling this is going to get far worse when the baby arrives and MIL expects even more contact.

Establish some boundaries now. Flowers

Greensleeves · 14/01/2018 11:35

Deriding someone for having a panic attack is pretty low, strangerhoesagain Sad

Be thankful you don't suffer with anxiety. It's no fun.

Glitterbugg · 14/01/2018 11:39

DH is a good sort, but there were other things in the years leading up to it that he either ignored or just totally passed him by. Probably because they are so indirect but they weren’t having a dig. Sometimes well timed, so he’d be out of the room.
I think that part of the problem in ILs tend to say what they think they should, rather than what they actually mean. Which has also meant they make assumptions based on what they think You mean as apposed to what you actually said.

They do love a fauxpology. “I’m sorry you feel like that, I’m sorry you think that”.
Their saving grace is that they are brilliant GPs including with my DS who is my child from a previous relationship.

OP is your OH planning on coming to any midwife appointments with you, where she could reiterate the importance of low stress levels and cortisod levels etc?

divadee · 14/01/2018 11:43

God I would go nuts seeing my MIL 3 times a week. 6 times a year is bad enough.

You need to nip this in the bud or you have a lot of miserable years ahead of you. She will take over with the baby and your husband will agree with her. You need to stand your ground with both of them.