Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Aibu with mil

107 replies

Feb2018mumma · 14/01/2018 09:35

Cutting this story super short becuase it could be an essay...

Last week I went round to mil for dinner and heard her talking about me in the kitchen to my FIL. How I'm ungrateful and obviously don't like her ect.

I go to her house 3 times a week, I'm heavily pregnant, I work full time and I am at uni so as you can imagine I was shocked that she thought I didn't like her when I spend all my free time with her.

I didn't want an argument or to stress my unborn baby so just drove off.

Next day she came round saying we needed to put it behind us... no apology... long story short I said I wasn't ready, she shouted and I ended up having midwife and community midwife becuase had panic attack and baby stopped moving.

DH said I need to let it go. She eventually came and said sorry if I heard anything... not sorry she said it but sorry if I heard and dh thought that meant she was amazing.

I said I forgave her but Midwofe told me to stay away for a bit as not worth stress on myself this late on in pregnancy. Dh doesn't understand why I won't see her... I arranged will see her next week for a meal but just want time off to try process everything and keep relaxed... he hasn't spoke to me in 2 days now apart from grunts, feel like my marriage is over.

When we were fallen out mil text dh constantly saying she was depressed and when he went to see her she was saying she couldnt move she was so depressed becuase I won't let her see her grandaughter... who isn't even born yet and I havent said a word about with holding my unborn child.

I feel like she has emotionally black mailed him and he now blames me! All I did was hear someone talk about me and leave? Any advice to fix my life and marriage in the next 2 weeks before i give birth would be great!!!!!!

OP posts:

dreamingofsun · 14/01/2018 11:54

i confess i have only glanced through the latter comments on here so apologies if i have this wrong. All of these threads seem to assume you are totally in the right and she is in the wrong. Clearly she shouldnt have said this in the kitchen. But could you have done something that appeared to indicate you didnt like her? Have you been ungrateful......possibly by not cooking for them ever or inviting them round? have you looked at your behaviour and considered it from her angle?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/01/2018 11:54

What are the reasons for going to her house 3 times a week? Is it you and dh going round there to be fed in the evening? Perhaps MIL is starting to feel resentful that she's put upon on it isn't reciprocated?
Who knows but moaning about you behind your back isn't the way to tackle it.

When things have calmed down perhaps speak to her alone and try to iron out your issues? At least to clear the air, tell her you're hurt and avoid all the speculation in your head.

There's a danger that this could turn into a huge feud so if that can be avoided it will make all your lives less stressful.

It's hard to slot into to your partner's family. Apart from a couple of issues with her, it appears that you've been on good terms with MIL up til now.
Don't turn this into a massive drama forcing people to take sides is my advice.

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/01/2018 11:59

What a rude woman. MIL or not you don't have to forgive her or even see her if you don't want to, and your DH is a bit of an assclown for insisting his Mum's needs come before yours. I'd lay down an embargo whereby he's no longer allowed to mention her/the situation til you're willing to deal with it.

YABU, though; she was rude, she was caught out being rude and rather than apologise and make amends she put it onto you. She's a dick for the refusal to commit to any sort of real apology.

timeisnotaline · 14/01/2018 12:02

You have a dh problem. I’d say in a couple of weeks you will have a helpless dependent baby to look after. If you aren’t already prepared to prioritise that baby then I’m not sure you’re ready to be a dad. Would you like to go and stay with your Mum? My baby is my number one priority, I will follow the health advice , I haven’t done this before and I’m stressed and anxious about it, and I don’t want anyone around who isn’t supportive, especially the person who should be the most supportive.

BewareOfDragons · 14/01/2018 12:05

You have a DH problem firstly, and a MIL problem secondly.

Your DH is choosing his mother over you and the baby. And he is emotionally abusing you for not going along with his wishes: the silent treatment and the grunts until you comply. Not on. So much for your mental health and stess levels and what's good for the baby according to the midwife!

I would be very clear with him that you are not having this AT ALL. His mother behaved badly, she didn't apologize but you forgave her anyway, and he has supported her crappy behaviour instead of your feelings and you and your baby's health. And now he's punishing you?! You are not having it.

He is married to you. if he would prefer to be married to his mother, he can go live with her.

As for his mother, she clearly has no boundaries and won't admit to wrong doing, hence the non-apology. While it's kind of you to have apologized, I would still change the relationship dynamic. Put some space between you. Stop going over there so much. She needs to respect your boundaries and the boundaries that are coming when it comes to your baby.

Good luck, OP. I think you're going to need it. Your DH sounds rather spineless when it comes to his mother, but he's happy to treat you badly ... doesn't bode well if he can't see that and snap out of it.

BewareOfDragons · 14/01/2018 12:06

While it's kind of you to have apologized should read to have accepted her non apology and forgiven her

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/01/2018 12:11

I'm so sorry, YABU should have read YANBU.

RhiannonOHara · 14/01/2018 12:27

You have a DH problem firstly, and a MIL problem secondly.

Your DH is choosing his mother over you and the baby. And he is emotionally abusing you for not going along with his wishes: the silent treatment and the grunts until you comply.

I agree with this. Make clear to him that you are allowed to take 'a tone' if someone refuses to respect your wishes about your dog. And that your and your – his – baby's health is a priority, not his mother's made-up 'depression'.

Bellamuerte · 14/01/2018 12:31

Your MIL is mean and is already starting to be clingy and grabby with your child who isn't even born yet. It needs nipping in the bud and I'd suggest significantly reducing contact with her.

My MIL and I hate each other. I don't see her unless I'm with DH and there's an occasion such as a birthday or Christmas, which is usually once every few months. He sees her once a week and I have no intention of taking DC to see her - that's DH's job.

evilstepmumagain · 14/01/2018 12:40

Your 'd'H is a spineless dick!

dreamingofsun · 14/01/2018 12:40

so your issue is that she was talking behind your back? agreed she didnt time this very well. Technically you are also talking about her behind her back....though you are doing it via the internet.

if she felt you were in the wrong then i can understand that she didnt give the most extensive or enthusiastic apology. she may feel that she is vastly subsidising your household expenses by feeding you both 3 times a week and you dont even bother to do the washing up, for example?

alittlepieceofme · 14/01/2018 12:52

I kept my now ex mil at arms length when I had ds because she started to become a nightmare before he was born! When I told ex how she treated me he suggested I go to counselling to learn how to deal with her when she's a bitch! It was laughable!

RhiannonOHara · 14/01/2018 12:55

dreaming, the issue is also that she disregards the OP's wishes.

Glitterbugg · 14/01/2018 13:05

I might have missed it, but why are you going there 3 days a week anyway? Is it one of those things that just sort of happened and is now an expectation?

Regardless of what you overheard, it’s unlikely you’ll want to do that with a new baby in tow! Time to set some new expectations maybe, you could use this situation (as horrible as it has been for you) to your advantage?!

Perhaps point out to your DH that it’s obvisouly been too much all round if that’s his parents feelings towards you and perhaps you all need some additional separate time?

littlerobyn · 14/01/2018 13:06

What @Hoppinggreen said.

I think she's testing the waters, I.e pushing it and feeding the dog when you don't want her to and seeing how you react. She's probably thrown her toys out the pram because you reacted (rightly so) and knows you aren't likely to back down easily when little one arrives.
She'll be the sort to force you to leave your baby with her when she's 10 days old, I guarantee it!!!

As for your DH I'd be fuming that he's essentially putting his mother's emotional needs before his heavily pregnant wife's! Your going to have to make him fully aware this shit won't be happening when she's here.

Good luck with your little one op and stay away for your own sake x

Allthewaves · 14/01/2018 13:09

Were you going round to mil for dinner 3x a week?

littlerobyn · 14/01/2018 13:13

Why does it matter if op was going to dinner regularly? It doesn't mean she can feed her dog something poisonous, after being asked not to?!? Then proceed to bitch about op within ear shot!

welshmist · 14/01/2018 13:17

Three times a week visiting. As a MIL this is too much imo. If you are heavily pregnant, should be feet up, get the last rest you will see for a couple of decades.

HighwayDragon1 · 14/01/2018 13:23

OP this is going to get worse and worse, she will over step boundaries. You 'd'h has shown he will not stick up for you, or the baby. Take an enormous step back and concentrate on you, can you stay with your mum for a bit?

Feeding chocolate to a dog can kill it, quickly. What will happen when they try and feed a 4 month old baby and you say no? Or they don't agree with your parenting? Or if they try to spank your child? You're in a toxic environment, your dh is emotionally manipulating you.

Original poster

Feb2018mumma · 14/01/2018 13:41

Used to go once a week for dinner and she said she didn't think i liked her so started going on weekends for movies and normall once a week we will meet at pub, so not that I am expecting her to subsidise my food bills! I was trying to see her more becuase didn't want her thinking I didn't like her, 3 times a week has been for past 5 months? As was pregnant too thought was nice to get out lots while I still can!

OP posts:

rothbury · 14/01/2018 13:45

Three times a week would seem excessive even if you got on like a house on fire. Is DH with all these visits?

Scale it back.

What are you going to do about your Mummys Boy DH?

LoveShouldBeALockedDoor · 14/01/2018 13:50

I'd knock the weekly visits on the head now well before baby arrives. The "she doesn't like me" thing from your MIL can be a form of manipulation. I speak from experience with my own doing something similar

Jassmells · 14/01/2018 13:59

I think she likes to be the centre of attention. At the moment you're pregnant so stealing some Of her limelight and when baby arrives it won't be about the baby it will be about her being a grandma! Well screw her and make your husband grow some balls.

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? If so I'd head off there until they calm down and see sense. If not stay at home and turn the doorbell off. I hope she hasn't got a key!

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 14/01/2018 14:01

Yes, it definitely can be a form of manipulation if she feels you are not making enough of a fuss with her or disagreeing with her. The problem comes from her, she doesn't respect your boundaries (re. not feeding your dog poisonous food) and she is making it that you are to blame because you don't like her.
Some good reading here: outofthefog.website/

Sprinklestar · 14/01/2018 14:07

Just refuse to see her from now on.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5