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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu with mil

107 replies

Feb2018mumma · 14/01/2018 09:35

Cutting this story super short becuase it could be an essay...

Last week I went round to mil for dinner and heard her talking about me in the kitchen to my FIL. How I'm ungrateful and obviously don't like her ect.

I go to her house 3 times a week, I'm heavily pregnant, I work full time and I am at uni so as you can imagine I was shocked that she thought I didn't like her when I spend all my free time with her.

I didn't want an argument or to stress my unborn baby so just drove off.

Next day she came round saying we needed to put it behind us... no apology... long story short I said I wasn't ready, she shouted and I ended up having midwife and community midwife becuase had panic attack and baby stopped moving.

DH said I need to let it go. She eventually came and said sorry if I heard anything... not sorry she said it but sorry if I heard and dh thought that meant she was amazing.

I said I forgave her but Midwofe told me to stay away for a bit as not worth stress on myself this late on in pregnancy. Dh doesn't understand why I won't see her... I arranged will see her next week for a meal but just want time off to try process everything and keep relaxed... he hasn't spoke to me in 2 days now apart from grunts, feel like my marriage is over.

When we were fallen out mil text dh constantly saying she was depressed and when he went to see her she was saying she couldnt move she was so depressed becuase I won't let her see her grandaughter... who isn't even born yet and I havent said a word about with holding my unborn child.

I feel like she has emotionally black mailed him and he now blames me! All I did was hear someone talk about me and leave? Any advice to fix my life and marriage in the next 2 weeks before i give birth would be great!!!!!!

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 14/01/2018 14:12

I think YANBU, definitely. Your DH needs to speak up for you with his DM and not behave in the spineless way he has up to now. He needs to protect you. He'll definitely need to stand up to you once you've had the baby or your MIL is going to be a nightmare. She's already been emotionally blackmailing your DH about you keeping her DGC away from her.

HeebieJeebies456 · 14/01/2018 14:20

Used to go once a week for dinner and she said she didn't think i liked her so started going on weekends for movies and normall once a week we will meet at pub

She's manipulating you-why don't you see that?

She's making 3 lots of weekly visits look 'normal' and she will expect you to keep this up once baby is here.
If you don't, then just like now she will create a big drama.

She started her 'you don't like me' game playing soon as you got pregnant - what does that tell you?
I bet you she will try and dominate you even more once your baby is here.

you need to stop feeling like you're responsible for her and doing things to please/enable her
you need to have a frank convo with your spineless OH.....and make your boundaries clear re mil's interference/involvement in your lives

Tistheseason17 · 14/01/2018 14:26

Wow, your MIL is super controlling.
Your DH sounds like the apron strings are still being pulled.
YANBU to have stressfree 2 weeks before birth.
I'd drop the 3 visits weekly tbh

liquidrevolution · 14/01/2018 14:32

Scale back those visits or she will be sulking you are not around all the time with the baby.

Your DH is spineless. You married him, not her. It is not normal to spend all that time with your MIL.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 14/01/2018 14:39

I'd had a fall out with my mil and went round, not to apologise but to offer an olive branch.
DC was little and asked for a notepad to play waitresses.
DC handed me the notepad when it was my turn to take the pretend order. It had pages of notes written on me, my attitude, things I had said, the tone I said them in. Times, dates, everything!

lurkingnotlurking · 14/01/2018 14:46

Oooh 'cuppa'. Nightmare.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 14/01/2018 14:49

Wow Shock Cuppa how the hell did you get over that? That's crazy!! What did she say when you saw it?

BlackeyedSusan · 14/01/2018 14:55

he either shapes up or ships out. he is abusive. mil is manipulative, he does not have your back. listen to your midwife. follow her instructions do not see mil at all. tell your hospital midwives that you do not want mil on the ward or if possible let her in for the last five minutes of visiting so she can see baby and then be ushered out by midwives.

if he does not improve and have your back, i think the only option will be to leave him. this is not a viable relationship if he conntinues to act this way. It is already making you ill. I doubt he will put baby and you first, he already isn't.

Bluetrews25 · 14/01/2018 15:00

OP, make some pre-birth preparations.
Make sure you have Yale, or similar, locks on your doors, so MIL can't just walk in unannounced. (If you don't go to her after baby has arrived, she will be on your doorstep ALL the time, most likely). And never give her a key. If you want a spare in case you get locked out, get a keysafe for outside (around £10 in DIY store) and keep the combination secret.
Plan how you will handle her trying to be there all the time, if that should happen.
I kind of hope she is as lazy and selfish as my late MIL - wanted to see the DCs and kicked off if it didn't happen, but would never come here to see them.

Gottagetmoving · 14/01/2018 15:08

Anyone who thinks in laws don't talk about them behind their back is a bit naive. Even if you get on well, they will criticise you or two about you.
I would have discussed it with her if I heard that.

Gottagetmoving · 14/01/2018 15:09

Talk....not two.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 14/01/2018 15:51

I was so shocked I didn't say anything, I left and phoned my mum and cried.
Then when my dh I had to tell him and he was so upset and was going to go round and ask her to explain herself. But I honestly felt like it wouldn't help things, at least he had seen the true side of her.
I continued to keep my distance and gradually she did seem to respect my position as wife and mother and adult in my own right. We have a good relationship now but we had very definite power struggles in the early days.

another20 · 14/01/2018 16:12

Your DH is only on his OOO controlling mother's side for his own personal comfort.

He is selfish. He knows her wrath and has tap-danced to her tune all his life. He has worked out that you are less volatile than her - so he his throwing you under the bus to save his own emotions not because he is doing what is right or wrong or is on anyones side.

He is spineless because he has an overbearing mother. You need to call him on it, point it out, and support him on seeing the situation for what it is. He probably needs external support.

Categoric · 14/01/2018 16:13

Sulking is dreadful so if your DH won’t stop being sulky and huffy, then I suggest that you go and stay with your parents or a friend for a few days.

Your DH has been trained by his DM to do as he is told and you need to learn to override that training. He needs to understand that you will not put up with his manipulation or his DM’s. Absenting yourself from both of them should send a clear message and will be less stressful than staying around to be bullied.

another20 · 14/01/2018 16:19

Pan back and look beyond the MIL, DH and your relationship.

What do you see? Does she have any friends? Does she fall out with people always bitching about people? Controlling behaviours? An enabling doormat husband? No boundaries? Drama queen, who is always poised to turn on the waterworks unless everyone does everything her way? Keeps everyone in control 24/7 this way as they are scared she will erupt .... such a cliche.

Step back and watch the panto for what it is. Dont be another monkey in her circus...

Pugsleypugs · 14/01/2018 16:25

Your MIL sounds incredibly selfish and your DH is as useful as a chocolate teapot. Both are the problem here.

3 times a week is redic, I would cut that back for a start, then ask your DH why he's putting his mother above his pregnant wife and unborn child.

DontDIY · 14/01/2018 16:38

You absolutely need to get a grip of this, or you’ll be on here in a month with one of those threads about how to handle the MIL who is is demanding hourly updates on your DC’s naps, feeds, etc. And I suspect she’ll want to increase contact with you, under the guise of helping you with the baby, which of course she would only deem you ungrateful to decline.

How often do you see your own mum? I hate people tying me down to a once a week routine, never mind three times!

Failingat40 · 14/01/2018 16:45

It's obvious to me that your MIL is feeling very threatened in her position in the family by you being pregnant. She is acting out badly for attention and drama and to cast you in a bad light.

Feeding chocolate to the dog was a moronic move but one I think was done to provoke a strong reaction from you so she could use it against you.

The only thing you can do is step away, disengage and direct her to counselling services. She has issues.

Your husband is a fool.

LightDrizzle · 14/01/2018 16:51

Please read what Heebie said, over and over. She’s got it nailed.

another20 · 14/01/2018 17:01

I was trying to see her more becuase didn't want her thinking I didn't like her, 3 times a week has been for past 5 months?

You never try to please this sort of person. They will never be happy. Can you see that she is controlling you by making you feel that you should visit more? Don't do it.

Decide what you think is appropriate and stick to that. Be very careful about your boundaries around the baby. Note that the visits have increased since you were pregnant. These sort of over bearing people will be letting themselves into your home, taking the baby of you and criticising your parenting....and then criticising you when you push back and put down your boundaries. But you must be prepared and just weather the storm. Do not let her have an in and stand firm.

Search the MIL threads on here and you will get an idea as to what this type of MIL gets up to and the damage that can be done.

There is only one way to manage it. Very clear boundaries, with even clearer consequences. Minimal contact. DH on side and if not override him. Often ends up as total NC after years of stress - so have all of this in mind.

another20 · 14/01/2018 17:06

You also need to enlist the support of others outside of your IL family. Be crystal clear and open with your DM and friends - they will be ready to watch and intercept. They will not let you be gas-lighted by your DH and his family. Trust your gut on all of this, listen to your feelings and give them credit and then communicate all concerns, however minor or trivial to your DM and friends - not to DH and ILs who will seek to minimise everything as this is how they have been trained to behave.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/01/2018 17:12

I don't know, I think this thread is all a bit one sided.

On the face of it, you got on fairly well with MIL, seeing her (very!) regularly without any issues apart from her trying to give your dog chocolate and a tense conversation over it.

Now you've overheard her having a moan that you're ungrateful. That's really hurtful of course and you've made it clear to her and dh how you felt.

Your dh has relayed to you how "depressed" MIL is feeling over this. To be fair, she probably is gutted and thinking she's destroyed things and won't see her grandchild. Your dh is in a grump because the two most important women in his life have fallen out. He's handling it badly, failing to communicate, but I wouldn't call that abusive.

If you can find a way to resolve these issues- be honest with your mil about everything and perhaps take on board her view- then do that.

The implications of cutting contact, ill feeling all round and general bitterness and resentment are far reaching.

I've no doubt that my MIL moans about me, doesn't like me that much and I've heard her saying I'm a "funny woman" Grin but I don't want to be best friends. We're civil and she adores her grandchildren and I have grown fond of her despite her foibles.

I'd suggest speaking to her alone before meeting up for the big family meal and putting your cards on the table.
Now's the perfect time to cut back on your visits for practical reasons, make it less intense and prepare her for seeing you less once you have the baby.

I doubt she's the monster some are suggesting.

littlerobyn · 14/01/2018 17:15

@Cuppaand2biscuits you poor thing! That's bloody horrible Sad at least things seem ok now.

Maelstrop · 14/01/2018 17:25

You’re going to need to stick up for yourself, OP, particularly when your dd arrives. Your dh doesn’t sound like he’s going to.

LightDrizzle · 14/01/2018 18:00

Next time she bangs on about you not liking her, agree with her that obviously since overhearing her you don’t like her as you did, nor do you trust her. Suggest it’s better for both of you to cut back on visits, but of course she can have cuddles with her GD when she visits. However you will need convincing that she will respect your parenting.
It is really sad that your DH’s response to his heavily pregnant wife’s distress at his Mum bitching unfairly about her, is to defend his mother. Is he caring and loving in other respects? He is not coming across well at all.

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