ExH left youngest DD behind

[tinkerbellone]

Background so as not to drip feed.
ExH does not communicate directly with me. All communication runs through his GF. They live together and GF has a DD (6).
(We have been separated and divorced a while).

My DC's see their dad (my ExH) once a week overnight.
Youngest DD (6) refused yesterday & said she hates going. I never pressure them - I have found this makes them worse. So she stayed with me.

Today my eldest DD was dropped off early I asked why.
Apparently GF took her DD and my other DD's to a local adventure park. My youngest DD who stayed with me wasn't invited.

AIBU to expect my youngest DD to be invited? I feel she is being punished and is missing out because she didn't want to sleep over and therefore missed the 'fun' planned for today with her sisters.

YABU your daughter however hard a lesson it is had learned today that all decisions have consequences some good and some bad. Sorry

The GF dropped eldest off & took the Children out. I assume ExH was working.

"Has" learned today

So during the normal contact time which the youngest had chosen not to go to the rest of them went on a trip out?

Oh well that’s what happens when she decides not to go then I guess!

Yabu she didn't want to sleep over.

Ime three way parenting doesn't work.

I wouldn't have come to pick up youngest DD, either. She wasn't being punished, she chose not to come.

Your DD didn't want to go.

You seem to want to pick a fight

Well tbh I probably would have made her go at 6. Lots of 6yos get random ideas about what they want, and what they don’t want, and spending time with daddy isn’t super-negotiable at that age. Tomorrow it might be ‘I don’t want to go to school.’
But hey ho. You live and learn. I think I would be having a chat about picking and choosing. You don’t want to raise a child who only wants to see daddy if there is a trip or a present on offer - way to turn her dad’s house into a Disney destination instead of a perfectly ordinary other location where she spends time with her family.
Plenty of time to express her opinion and make choices later, when she is old enough to understand the life long ramifications.

No I don't want to pick a fight. It wasn't nice for my youngest DD to see them going out when eldest DD was dropped off.
She's happy to go over but sleeping over is not enjoyable for her.

Why should they invite her on the trip when she'd already made it clear she didn't want to see them this week? YABU.

Actions have consequenses, even for children. She chose not to go. There was no agreement that she would not stay overnight but be picked up in the morning. GF's involvement has nothing to do with this. DD may be refusing simply because she can. You'll get closer to find out her reasoning now.

Well if the not wanting to sleep over is a long term thing then you need to make arrangements to drop her off first thing the next morning instead. Presumably if they had been having a day in the house you wouldn’t have been bothered so it’s only the trip that you are creating an issue for.

Sorry I'm a bit confused. Was it the youngest DD who chose not to stay with her dad who wasn't taken to the park? If that's the case YABU, she made a choice and missed out on the fun as a result. Or was your eldest dropped off early before her dad and his gf took her child to the park? That's a different scenario and i would be pretty annoyed about that too!

Yes I agree- hopefully she will go next time. - it's always good to get objective advice.
I guess my views are coloured because he's ExH & I left due to DV and range of abuse.
(Thank goodness for freedom course).

When the DC's refuse and scream and cry and carry on; I've found it's best not to push and force them to go. They eventually go next time.

ExH GF is really nice. Very good with my DC's (much more organised than me lol) so I am grateful.

Ime letting a 6 yo decide her contact with df is an unfair responsibility to give her. She can't possibly grasp how being omitted from her other life will affect her longterm. She is being an outsider in their plans as you have now realised.

It probably wasn’t nice for her dad when she said she didn’t want to go this weekend, but if you are ok with her doing that, then the same applies both ways IMO.
Is there a reason she didn’t want to go?
I’d have thought she’d either be there for the weekend or home for the weekend. I wouldn’t expect to pick and choose.

Agree with sirzy. Your dd can't have it both ways. Not fun to spend time at their home sleeping over but wants to go if it suits her. I don't think the ex or gf did anything wrong.

Of course yabu. Unless there are reasons you haven’t disclosed here I don’t think your DD should have been able to opt out of contact. It’s not dairv

I don't understand.

Who did GF take out?

Either way, when your dc decide not to go for contact visits then they are going to miss out on stuff. It's not mean or a punishment. It's just life!

Sorry I've read your op again and see it was the youngest who chose not to stay who missed out. I agree with PPs - she wasn't being punished but as a natural consequence of her choice to stay home she missed out on a fun outing. I think you maybe need to do more to encourage her to see staying with her dad as a normal part of her weekly routine. If staying over is really so distressing for her that you and EXH both agree it's not in her best interests I think you need to work together to find solution that allows her to maintain a good relationship with her dad and actively participate in family life at his.

I do want her to have a good relationship with her dad.
I don't think it helps that it's the GF who picks up and drops off. Maybe if he picked up they wouldn't be so reluctant to go?
I don't know what to do for the best.

Force them and have screaming and crying and anxiety on the days leading up to the 'dad days'.
Or let them choose- on this occasion she can see she's missed out- and then like other posters have suggested; she can see the consequences of her actions.

It's a hard one isn't it.