ExH left youngest DD behind

[tinkerbellone]

Background so as not to drip feed.
ExH does not communicate directly with me. All communication runs through his GF. They live together and GF has a DD (6).
(We have been separated and divorced a while).

My DC's see their dad (my ExH) once a week overnight.
Youngest DD (6) refused yesterday & said she hates going. I never pressure them - I have found this makes them worse. So she stayed with me.

Today my eldest DD was dropped off early I asked why.
Apparently GF took her DD and my other DD's to a local adventure park. My youngest DD who stayed with me wasn't invited.

AIBU to expect my youngest DD to be invited? I feel she is being punished and is missing out because she didn't want to sleep over and therefore missed the 'fun' planned for today with her sisters.

Gf has no obligation to take any of your dcs. Maybe the 2 she took get on best with her and her dd.

I have actually never thought about inviting her DC out... I wouldn't have a problem with it but maybe ExH and GF might.
That certainly one to think about.

My BF has two DC's and when they come over, I treat them like my own- so I do know the difficulties and positives of blended families. Xx

We had no idea about the trip. gF took her Dc and my remaining 2 DC's who had slept over. Eldest is too old and prefers Xbox

It seems to me you are trying to pick a fight with your exhusband. He didnt leave her behind as you said he was working and if anything you could say his gf left her behind. But she didnt leave her anyway, you decided to listen to your six your olds request rightly or wrongly and that meant she missed out on fun.
Seems to be all yours and your youngests doing, the gf did something nice by taking her and your dd who chose to come to the adventure park. Your exhusband seems completely not at fault and if anything he is the victim as you are preventing him from seeing his daughter.

Right, I understand now.

I can see why you and your youngest might be upset but I can see why GF didn't offer to take your youngest, it probably didn't even register that she should seeing as your daughter had already withdrawn herself from that weeks contact.

And she was invited, she was invited to stay over at your exh and his gf's house, you both decided she wasnt to go and so she missed out on the fun. Im pretty sure if she had gone to stay the night before they wouldnt of just left her at home and would of taken her to the adventure park too.

I can't see how your ex husband and his partner have done anything wrong?

Your DD decided she didn't want to stay over and those are the consequences, anyway your DD was out with you so how was the girlfriend meant to invite her?

Not wanting to pick a fight.
I admit I do get frustrated like any normal single parent with difficult ExH.
With history of DV , abuse and control. I try not to lose perspective. Hence my question if AIBU...

I'd say she was invited. She chose not to participate in the weekend family activities.

GF sounds like a saint.

Does she do this every contact weekend? When does he actually see the dc?

Did you explain your youngest dd likes to spend time with your dh's girlfriend, she just doesn't like staying the night? I'm struggling to see why the girlfriend should be expected to invite your youngest dd to a day out when she has been told your youngest dd doesn't want to spend the weekend with her.

And yes, the gf does sound saintly! What does she see in your useless ex?

Yes she is very good and I am grateful. I have no problem with GF. He maybe saw the DC's last night and maybe this morning. He works shifts. So I'm not sure.

I think the real issue here is not that your dd missed out on the trip to the theme park, but that your exh gf seems to be doing all the parenting of your children when they go there. If your kids weren't actually going to be spending time with their dad and he wasn't going on the trip the what's the bloody point??
I think your kids reluctance to stay there speaks volumes tbh.

I guess I though she would text and say I'm dropping eldest off would youngest like to come to the park. That's all.
I can see I was unreasonable to expect that.
I would've have asked if it was me. I'd hate to leave any of them out.

I imagine she thought youngest DD still wanted to stay at home as she didn’t want to go the night before.

Unless there’s another reason for her to be nervous around him (if he always tells her off etc) then I do think the nerves will be made worse the less she sees them, until (if) she grows out of it.
If there’s a good relationship with the rest of the dc then its a shame for the youngest to miss out.

You said your dd says she feels'nervous' when she's over there...what do you think she means?

I honestly don't know why GF with with ExH.
I assume it's the control and manipulation. I believe people can 'mellow' but never really change

Agree with some other pp, I think mybe gf didn't think of inviting as dd didn't spend the night- so didn't want to see them.

I'd say she just assumed DD didn't want to be with her.

She doesn't sound the type to purposely leave her out, or to do it spitefully.

Did you do something nice with dd if she was so upset?

YABVVU

She’s too young at 6 to decide not to see her father and too old not to realise that you and she can’t opt in and out of contact for the fun parts.

I can imagine the alternative.

“My DD didn’t want to go to get dad’s for contact and I don’t think it’s important to make her so I let her stay with me. Can you believe the morning after I got a call from his DP bribing my poor little DD to come out to a fun park when my DD made it clear she wasn’t going this weekend and now she’s being manipulated. Why didn’t they just accept she wasn’t coming? Disney blah blah. So unfair.”

I guess you could look at it, as Ann example, if you were taking your younger children out, eldest dd didn't want to go, so you dripped her with dad and gf, would you ask gf's children if they wanted to go with you?

ExH is unpredictable. Think that's why she's nervous. A bit shouty too. Drinks a lot. DC come down in morning and count the cans he's left out.
He's not a monster- he works hard and loves his DC's (in his own way). Pays maintenance on time. He teaches them his hobbies. GF clearly loves him.

The op has said there was Dv in the relationship and other abuse, now he has a new gf who it appears is an angel and bends over backwards to accommodate her partners children, are we to believe this man has undergone a personality change? I know it wasn't your question op but I would be more worried about why some of my kids don't want to go there and sleep over.