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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExH left youngest DD behind

129 replies

tinkerbellone · 13/01/2018 15:20

Background so as not to drip feed.
ExH does not communicate directly with me. All communication runs through his GF. They live together and GF has a DD (6).
(We have been separated and divorced a while).

My DC's see their dad (my ExH) once a week overnight.
Youngest DD (6) refused yesterday & said she hates going. I never pressure them - I have found this makes them worse. So she stayed with me.

Today my eldest DD was dropped off early I asked why.
Apparently GF took her DD and my other DD's to a local adventure park. My youngest DD who stayed with me wasn't invited.

AIBU to expect my youngest DD to be invited? I feel she is being punished and is missing out because she didn't want to sleep over and therefore missed the 'fun' planned for today with her sisters.

OP posts:

LIZS · 13/01/2018 15:46

Did your eldest not want to go on the trip? Youngest needs to accept that refusal means she cannot pick and choose, she would not have spent time with her f anyway.

Original poster

tinkerbellone · 13/01/2018 15:47

Eldest didn't want to go - prefers Xbox and bedroom. Lol

OP posts:

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 13/01/2018 15:49

If he took you to court you would be forced to send dd regardless of her choice /your choice. If you aren't seen to facilitate contact he could get a lot more than he is asking for.
Just saying, not that I agree.

You need to make seeing him as normal as spending time with you.

MadMags · 13/01/2018 15:50

Does he never pick them up? Is this on your say so?

derangedmermaid · 13/01/2018 15:52

YABU. She made her choice.

My dps stepson has a melodramatic streak and did this once. Refused to come to the beach with us and had to stay with mummy (mummy had done some stellar manipulating on her part so not all his fault)

We had a lovely weekend, my kids and his dd had loads of fun and the next weekend sds admitted he had wished he had come with us.

deblet · 13/01/2018 15:52

I would view this a little differently. How often do they take the children out to an adventure park? Was it planned or was it a power play to show your daughter what happens when she does not toe the line. Look at what you missed type of thing. It smacks to me of that I am afraid. When my step sons were younger if one didn't come on a Friday night for whatever reason we would ring and check the next day if they had changed their mind. I would have rung and told her about the trip out and give her a chance to come.

Sirzy · 13/01/2018 15:55

As hard as it is for you then surely you need to bite to bullet and let your ex do pick up if it makes life easier for her?

pisacake · 13/01/2018 15:55

Sorry has she chosen not to go before?

I mean if she's not gone the last 4 weeks, and they always go out on an outing but she just fancied this one more it's one thing, but if she just missed this one and they normally just sit at home watching TV then it's another.

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 13/01/2018 15:55

So I'm presuming that eldest dd is a bit too old for the activity? Comes back and informs youngest that they are going out?

Are there other dd's here too?

My dd is 6, she changes her mind like the wind. If she has a really valid reason for nit wanting to stay at her dads then fair enough but I think that consistency is key.

My ds is nearly 15 and I separated from his dad when he was 2. He hated going to stay but I said it was important to maintain a good relationship with him and he would get to decide for himself when he was a teenager and that's exactly how it worked out.

He has pretty much chosen not to stay now for 2 years but spends time there and enjoys it more so that he has a choice.

If I had let him decide, he would never have gone from day one.

It's nice that the gf is nice and good with your girls. Makes a change to see that on here :)

diddl · 13/01/2018 15:56

So your ex didn't leave his daughter behind?

I don't think that it would have hurt for the gf to have asked, but it's supposed to be contact with her father which wouldn't have happened any way!

Perhaps she already had enough kids to deal with?

wagil · 13/01/2018 15:59

A quick call to ask if she wanted to go to the park and she could have been ready when the older one was dropped off.

She's 6 for goodness sake, a little girl with a complicated life. YANBU.

MadMags · 13/01/2018 16:01

Perhaps GF was only going to the park because youngest didn't want to be there that weekend and eldest didn't want to stay longer at dad's so with less kids it was something she could easily do!

Was ExH even going to be there??

Original poster

tinkerbellone · 13/01/2018 16:03

The No communication with exh isn't my choice. It's his.
I have tried everything to be civil and maintain good relations. I'm a honestly not an evil ex wife.

He refuses to have anything to do with me. He genuinely had no valid reason to cut off seeing me or communicating in any form. I think the reason may be his need to maintain control.

I'd welcome a court order because he went for so long without seeing them. When he has a GF then he sees them much more regularly, plus I had to get CMA involved and so I suspect he sees them to reduce his maintenance.

OP posts:

GoldfishCrackers · 13/01/2018 16:05

I think the info about your exh being abusive is important. Not sure some other posters have picked up on it.

Why does your youngest say she doesn't want to go overnight? Is she able to articulate it? What do the other DDs say?

I'm not clear on how many DCs you have. 2 or 3? The youngest stayed home, the eldest came back rather than go on the outing. Is there a middle child who went?

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2018 16:06

It could be a power play or punishment. Or it could simply be that they didn’t want to step on your 6 yo dds boundaries. Your 6 yo had said no and it wouldn’t have been fair to pressure her perhaps? You are never going to know unless you communicate with them. Or his gf at least.

I don’t think it’s unfair to say your dd was disappointed she didn’t get to go to the theme park with her sisters. Ask his gf if maybe you could work something out together so that this doesn’t happen again.

For me, because his gf dropped off your eldest dd, it seems more likely that they are trying to please your children. IE x doesn’t want to come at all, don’t force her, y wants to go home to play computer games, bring her home. Everyone else, let’s go and have a good time.

I think it sounds as though his gf is good for stepping up like this tbh and it would be good to try and have her on side as much as possible.

Original poster

tinkerbellone · 13/01/2018 16:06

No ExH wasn't going to be there.
Youngest admits he makes her 'nervous' to talk to him... her choice of words.
My 2nd DC said that 'feels safer at home and school than dads' but now she's recently been spending loads of time with him; I think it can be a phase or an age things.

OP posts:

Snowysky20009 · 13/01/2018 16:07

How many dc do you have? Sorry if I missed that part.

So to get it right, youngest didn't get taken because she didn't want to sleep over and eldest didn't go because she didn't want to go?

IMO it's your youngest ds's fault for not sleeping over. She has to learn that she can't do some things but just pick up on the nice parts.

Would you except gf to ask your dd's to go somewhere if they weren't sleeping over?

BrendaUmbrella · 13/01/2018 16:08

It's not that she wasn't invited. She wasn't there. You have 4 DD's and she has 1? She was probably occupied looking after the kids she had with her.

QueenofmyPrinces · 13/01/2018 16:09

I'm confused.....

So your eldest daughter who had stayed overnight didn't want to go on the trip so the GF dropped her off at yours in the morning? The GF then took her own children on the trip?

And you're upset that she didn't take your youngest DC with her.

Is that right?

BrendaUmbrella · 13/01/2018 16:10

Do you invite her DD out to things?

Original poster

tinkerbellone · 13/01/2018 16:10

Sorry for confusion. I have 4 DC's.

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/01/2018 16:10

6 is really little, “she made her bed” is such a hard line to take. Getting used to separated parents, step parents and step siblings...it all takes time to process and get used to. And again - 6 is really little! If she was 10 it would be different.

It was a bit mean not to at least give you a call to ask if youngest dd wanted to go along, IMO.

Original poster

tinkerbellone · 13/01/2018 16:11

Eldest DC was dropped off and GF took her DC and the remaining of my DC's to adventure park for afternoon.
-my youngest DC didn't sleep over so was with me.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2018 16:12

So did your youngest know this trip was on offer?

And why didn't the eldest go?

MadMags · 13/01/2018 16:14

So how many dc did GF take?

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