Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH left youngest DD behind

129 replies

tinkerbellone · 13/01/2018 15:20

Background so as not to drip feed.
ExH does not communicate directly with me. All communication runs through his GF. They live together and GF has a DD (6).
(We have been separated and divorced a while).

My DC's see their dad (my ExH) once a week overnight.
Youngest DD (6) refused yesterday & said she hates going. I never pressure them - I have found this makes them worse. So she stayed with me.

Today my eldest DD was dropped off early I asked why.
Apparently GF took her DD and my other DD's to a local adventure park. My youngest DD who stayed with me wasn't invited.

AIBU to expect my youngest DD to be invited? I feel she is being punished and is missing out because she didn't want to sleep over and therefore missed the 'fun' planned for today with her sisters.

OP posts:
WhatIWant · 13/01/2018 16:36

Hmm, might this be more to do with 2 for 1 offers than anything else 🤔

wobblywindows · 13/01/2018 16:37

Nice that 2 of your DD's got taken to an adventure park, shame that 1 of them missed out. Wholeheartedly applaud you letting youngest make up own mind about whether to sleep over if she is uncomfortable in any way.

Original poster
tinkerbellone · 13/01/2018 16:39

Overtop thank you. X

OP posts:
Original poster
tinkerbellone · 13/01/2018 16:39

Auto correct!
Ooogetyooo thank you.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 13/01/2018 16:40

There is clearly a huge backstory with the EXDH being abusive to OP and shouty at the DC. And the gf is clearly doing all the childcare which is very unfair on her. I suspect the outing to the adventure park was only decided upon because your DD wasn't there and your oldest wasn't interested. The gf could've have easily managed all the DC and it wouldn't have been fair to expect it.

The real issue is that the ex won't communicate with the OP, that really is very childish. Hmm

MadMags · 13/01/2018 16:41

I don't think you did anything wrong not sending her, OP.

I just don't think GF did anything wrong either.

MadMags · 13/01/2018 16:42

And frankly, it doesn't sound like a great environment for anyone. Except your ex!

Original poster
tinkerbellone · 13/01/2018 16:43

Ah sorry - reading this thread is making me cry a bit now. Thank you for the support.

OP posts:
Ooogetyooo · 13/01/2018 16:44

If I were in your position, and given what you know about his personality, drinking, unpredictability etc I wouldn't have any expectations on my kids to spend time over there, you are right to let your dd make that decision to stay away.

Goodasgoldilox · 13/01/2018 16:45

I wouldn't see it that the GF was punishing your DC.

In a way she was respecting your decision to keep her with you over the weekend - and probably wanted to avoid the appearance of trying to 'win' her away from you with treats?

Goodasgoldilox · 13/01/2018 16:47

I agree that you were right not to make a fuss about DC wanting to stay at home (it seems that you have particularly good reasons to listen on this matter).

It looks as if GF agrees on that too.

HonkyWonkWoman · 13/01/2018 16:51

Don't cry tinkerbellone! You seem to be doing a great job with your four Dc.
Your ex sounds like a narcissistic arsehole! But hey ho! We can't change that can we?

Luckily, his Gf is great and really nice with your Dc. I wouldn't read too much into Gf not taking your youngest Dd to park. She maybe didn't want to step on toes or maybe didn't even think. She sounds a nice person so I don't think any upset was intentional, so forget it now!

YearOfYouRemember · 13/01/2018 16:52

At six years old the child should most definitely be allowed to chose whether she goes to see her father. It's not at all like letting her decide if she goes to school or not Hmm.

It would have been nice if the child had been asked if she'd like to go on the day out, and not in a if you don't sleep over you'll miss the day out way. Picked up on the way there, obviously.

diddl · 13/01/2018 16:57

Hmm, unpredictable, drinks a lot, shouty.

I'd be happy to be sending them as little as possible!

MadMags · 13/01/2018 17:00

Me too. In fact, I'd take them to an adventure park every week if it kept them from a prick like him.

Charolais · 13/01/2018 17:01

Tell your daughter what she did is like not bothering to go to school or work and then expecting to get good grades or pay.

You have to show up and make an effort to get stuff.

Ooogetyooo · 13/01/2018 17:06

Charolais- did you miss the part about the exh being shouty, drinking unpredictable and making the child feel nervous? Why would a trip to an amusement park offset the discomfort the child feels at being expected to spend time at dads house, particularly when dad isn't making the effort . It's his present girlfriend who is making all the effort.

wagil · 13/01/2018 17:08

Perhaps the 2 six year olds clash a bit.

Marcine · 13/01/2018 17:09

I don't think gf did anything wrong.

I also think you are right not to insist your children visit their violent, controlling father - they need to have an 'escape route' if necessary and choose to see him on their own terms.

Notevilstepmother · 13/01/2018 17:13

It wasn’t the ex that left her behind, she chose to stay with you and his girlfriend respected that decision.

Much as I love my DSD, there is only one of her and I don’t have any other children to consider. I wouldn’t necessarily want to be responsible for 4 or 5 children on my own. Taking 3 out for the day sounds quite enough effort.

I think it’s really kind of her to take 2 of your children out for the day, she isn’t obligated to. They are supposed to be having contact with their father. It’s not her job to entertain them when he isn't there. She could have been having 1 to 1 time with her own DD.

There have been times when I’ve spent time with DSD, and other times when DH has been at work when she would rather have been with her mum so I have dropped her off.

I think given the history you should be grateful to her for facilitating contact and taking care of your children. She sounds better than your ex deserves to be honest.

Lovemusic33 · 13/01/2018 17:15

This used to annoy me when I was with (now ex) dh, he had 3 children and it got to the point where they would only come over if we were doing something really exciting, we could not afford to take them out and buy them lunch every weekend (as well as our other 2 dc’s) so sometimes we would have to stay at home or maybe go to a park. It got to the point where we would call them the day before and they would ask what we were doing, if it wasn’t something exciting they would say ‘we don’t want to come’. Dh then felt the need to try and find really exciting things to do, then they would demand what they wanted to do, things got really expensive and I was unable to afford things for my own dc’s.

OP, YABU, your dd chose not to go so she missed out on whatever they were doing, she can’t just chose to do the fun bits. Yes she shouldn’t be forced to go to her dads but if she misses out on something then thats her fault.

missyB1 · 13/01/2018 17:22

The whole set up is bizarre! He refuses to communicate with his DCs mother, won’t go to pick up his DCs, the GF has to do all the organising and running around?? Immature prick! I would be loathe to let the kids stay there.

NC4now · 13/01/2018 17:30

Ok, I’ve changed my stance since you mentioned DV. Did the DCs witness that? And the fallout?
Have you managed to get them any support? Day trip aside, I’d be more concerned about why DD doesn’t want to go, and working with her to help her cope with the situation.

Springprim · 13/01/2018 17:30

Your dd is only 6. This is still very young and I can understand that she might not want to go to sleepover but is happy to go out for the day. I think you could say that she obviously still wants to see her dad and his gf, but at the moment, prefers not to sleep over. Ir

Elendon · 13/01/2018 17:30

Regarding your ex husband. He's a lazy shite and ought to get a grip.

Regarding his new partner, she's a much put upon new partner who ought to get a grip.

Your youngest knows this which is why she refuses to go.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.