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AIBU?

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Original poster

ExH left youngest DD behind

129 replies

tinkerbellone · 13/01/2018 15:20

Background so as not to drip feed.
ExH does not communicate directly with me. All communication runs through his GF. They live together and GF has a DD (6).
(We have been separated and divorced a while).

My DC's see their dad (my ExH) once a week overnight.
Youngest DD (6) refused yesterday & said she hates going. I never pressure them - I have found this makes them worse. So she stayed with me.

Today my eldest DD was dropped off early I asked why.
Apparently GF took her DD and my other DD's to a local adventure park. My youngest DD who stayed with me wasn't invited.

AIBU to expect my youngest DD to be invited? I feel she is being punished and is missing out because she didn't want to sleep over and therefore missed the 'fun' planned for today with her sisters.

OP posts:
Elendon · 13/01/2018 17:30

Regarding your ex husband. He's a lazy shite and ought to get a grip.

Regarding his new partner, she's a much put upon new partner who ought to get a grip.

Your youngest knows this which is why she refuses to go.

Springprim · 13/01/2018 17:30

Your dd is only 6. This is still very young and I can understand that she might not want to go to sleepover but is happy to go out for the day. I think you could say that she obviously still wants to see her dad and his gf, but at the moment, prefers not to sleep over.

Elendon · 13/01/2018 17:30

Regarding your ex husband. He's a lazy shite and ought to get a grip.

Regarding his new partner, she's a much put upon new partner who ought to get a grip.

Your youngest knows this which is why she refuses to go.

why12345 · 13/01/2018 23:14

Wow she is 6 for goodness sake!!! The gf should of come to the door and spoken to her and told her where she was taking the other two see if she fancied coming to it. I can't believe the attitude of some of you on here towards a little girl who just didn't want to sleep over at a different house. Get a grip!!

WelshMoth · 14/01/2018 00:16

A quick call to ask if she wanted to go to the park and she could have been ready when the older one was dropped off.

She's 6 for goodness sake, a little girl with a complicated life. YANBU.

^ This.

Too many posters saying 'bed made, her choice etc' but she's 6?!

I'd be having lots of talks and lots of cuddles actually and NOT doling out sanctimonious platitudes to a child who maybe in need of some simple understanding and explaining.

BlackeyedSusan · 14/01/2018 00:25

well he is doing a really good job of alienating her himself.

he is the parent, it is his repsonsibility to put in the effort to make it nice for her at his house so she wants to come. he could have asked her to go to the park and spent time with her without the sleep over in between so that eventually she wants to sleep over.

BlondeB83 · 14/01/2018 00:29

She chose not to go, she may go to sleep over without so much fuss next time.

Weezol · 14/01/2018 00:35

It's pretty clear to me that Daddy is pissed at night and the 6 year old doesn't want to be around a nasty drunk, so doesn't want to stay over.

I wouldn't want to be around that at 43 years old, so don't make her do sleepovers any more.

Allthewaves · 14/01/2018 00:43

It's harder because oldest was dropped off which is a bit rough.

Allthewaves · 14/01/2018 00:44

Could you arrange to drop her over at breakfast time if she's doesn't want to sleep over?

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 14/01/2018 00:50

If she is uncomfortable staying overnight then you need to facilitate a new contact arrangement with her father - not his girlfriend.

Unfortunately, she didn't want to go therefore she doesn't get to take part in the activities. She wanted to stay with you, so she stayed, you can't have it both ways and I think this is a sore life lesson for her to learn.

Again, you need to discuss with her, as her parents, why she doesn't want to go. At six, that's a very complicated decision for her to make, what if she had a hysterical crying fit at her Dad's about wanting to stay with him - would you allow him to let her stay?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/01/2018 00:50

Haven't read the who,e thread, but surely the adult thing to do, inputting g the child's needs first would be to tell the you gets that a trip is in the offing so she can make an informed decision.?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2018 01:08

If I was the GF and I was taking the eldest home before going out, I’d check with the youngest if she wanted to come with us, unless taking her would make the trip unworkable. If it’s a place with rides where the young ones need to be accompanied by an adult, the logistics often don’t work if you’re the only adult. If it was just an outdoor play type place, then I’d definitely have asked.

I can see why, at 6, she might be scared of sleeping over (with a drinking, shouty, scary father) but a day trip out (or even just a nice day at home) with her sisters, ‘step’ sister & gf would be fun.

I agree that most kids need to go to the NRP as scheduled & just ‘be at home’ not ‘entertained’ and not be able to pick & choose depending on what activity is on offer as it’s about being with the parent, not being taken out. However, if the NRP is a bloke who likes his drink a bit too much, is shouty & scary, then IMO, the child gets to pick & choose when they visit & how long for.

You’re definitely doing the right thing not making any of them go if they don’t want to.

I’d have a chat with the gf, tell her you’re very grateful for the way she takes care of them when she has them and let her know that the little one would have enjoyed spending the day with her, she’s just a bit intimidated by her father and finds staying over a bit too much.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2018 01:13

If she is uncomfortable staying overnight then you need to facilitate a new contact arrangement with her father - not his girlfriend

How do you suggest the OP does this? Telepathy? HE refuses to have any contact with the OP at all.

...& no, at 6, she should NOT be learning to ignore her feelings & be scared over night, so she can go out with her sisters & step sisters the next day, when the adults involved can adjust their behaviour. It’s no wonder women stay in relationships with abusive partners when they grow up being told to just accept it as part of the deal. FFS.

altiara · 14/01/2018 01:22

Don’t think anyone’s in the wrong (except the dad). I don’t think she was left behind, I think the GF was respecting DD’s actions of not wanting to spend time with them. But it definitely would have been nice for her to be included- but if the inclusion is being done by the GF then I don’t think I’d be able to say to her, take another one of my DCs that you’re not even related to, so very difficult!
I’d also think there may be a clash with the other 6yDD if your other DDs were ok going to stay over as well as potential dad problems.

MsGameandWatching · 14/01/2018 01:36

I think it's mean. My ex for all his faults would never do this. My dd is very anxious, when he sees them if she doesn't want to she doesn't have to but he would still offer the outing the next day. I know loads will disagree with me but her anxiety is loads better now she doesn't feel under pressure.

CollyWombles · 14/01/2018 01:47

Your DD is six. It would not have killed the GF or the ExH to check if your DD wanted to go to the adventure park.

You are also totally correct not to force your DD to stay overnight.

It does smack of punishment to me actually, a move to make your DD think again about not going to stay overnight. Don't doubt your instincts and never mind whether EXh is bothered that dd didn't come to stay, he is the adult, if he was upset and really wanted to see her, he would have made some sort of effort to find out what the problem is himself.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/01/2018 02:10

So between all of you incl GF, your DP and you there are 6 children?

It's going to be a difficult road to navigate whichever route you take. What happens at Xmas and birthdays?

RadioGaGoo · 14/01/2018 06:33

I had boring contact time with my father. Never took us anywhere, me and my sister were just left in front of the TV.

My sister refused to go once. My dad took me to Chessington World of Adventures to teach her a lesson.

Robin233 · 14/01/2018 07:24

After 5 year of sleeping over my my
Ex h moved house.
My then 6 yr old DD refused to sleep over ( they put her of a different floor to every one else to sleep)
So she picked in the morning instead . All happy.
I would never force her. At six they old enough to make this choice.
And this choice did not stop passing her degree. You did the right thing OP and she will love you for it x

Lizzie48 · 14/01/2018 08:08

That's awful, RadioGaGoo, some adults really do behave like spoiled children. I agree that there could be a similar motivation here. That would mean the ex was getting his gf to do his dirty work as well.

There should certainly have been some discussion in this case, and between the OP and her ex not the ex's current gf. Hmm

norfolkenclue · 14/01/2018 08:11

Your thread title is confusing (and wrong) OP. It reads 'ExDH left DD behind'. I was expecting to read some kind of neglect case here!!...when all that actually happened was your child chose to stay with you for the weekend, then your ex's GF went out on a day trip (not your ex) and your DD was at home, where she had chosen to be, with you!!! Regardless of how you're feeling about this day out, your child CHOSE to stay home, you sanctioned it, your Ex wasn't even on the day out with your other children (bloody well done GF for taking them anyway...she needs applauding...it's freezing!!) and you need to give your head a wobble for expecting her to include DD who decided not to spend the weekend!! GET A GRIP.

BellyBean · 14/01/2018 08:37

If it's the staying over that's the problem, you should be dropping DD off to exdh in the morning so she can spend some time with everyone.

As plans for the day were not discussed I wouldn't expect exdh to offer for her to join gf, as it looks like DD is staying with you for the whole weekend.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 14/01/2018 08:57

6 year old has learnt a lesson??? This is her dad not a sleepover with friends. I do wonder some days where the posters of mn come from!!

Saracen · 14/01/2018 09:54

I don't think anybody has done anything wrong here. If you had reason to believe that your ex's GF was a spiteful person then maybe you would be right to guess that she had left your dd out deliberately. But from what you say of her, that doesn't ring true.

So there are several other more likely explanations for why she didn't invite your dd. For example:
1 With three to five kids to consider, she was busy and just didn't think of it.
2 She thought your dd didn't want to spend time with her family this weekend and didn't want to be pushy by "bribing" her with a treat.
3 The trip was expensive or difficult and only became an option because (as she thought) several of the dc didn't want to go.

I think you should just assume this was a misunderstanding. If it were your controlling ex who had arranged a fun trip and not invited his dd, it might look different. But it was his GF, and you think highly of her.

Does your youngest want to go to her dad's house during the daytime only, or not at all? Maybe next time you could suggest that you drop her off to his house in the morning?

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