... to fucking explode at partner and daughter on their mobile phones ..

[Fontella]

ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Went out to the local pub this evening the three of us - rare in itself - and they are texting and looking - all the fucking time while we are sat in the pub.

Came back home and I'm cooking supper and preparing everything and the two of them are sat at the table completely engrossed in their phones while I run around like a blue arsed fly laying the table, trying to chat, preparing salad, pouring drinks for everyone, lighting candles, putting on the music - I might as well be a waitress.

I just flipped out - not sure where that came from - and they both looked at me like I was a mad woman and so I came upstairs and the two of them are sat down there eating the food I fucking cooked!

I don't want to share a room with people whose whole focus is a little battery operated handset. I want to talk, laugh, engage, have conversation, interact, enjoy the food, listen to the music .. but I might as well have been nobody tonight because that is how they both treated me.

OP I would be very pissed off too but I have to say I would have blown up a looong time ago.

And tomorrow morning, I would also make it clear to them that I would not be accepting that sort of behaviour again.
I would tell them how being stuck on their phone made me feel (ignored and like the servant if the house). That this was a special occasion (because unusual to be together now) and i felt neither of them appreciated it.

I have to say I would make a point to them that from now on, phones are NOT allowed at a table (pub or house) and that I expect them to get up form their backside to help.
Because bith behaviours are totally disrespectful.

And yes, I’ve had similar conversations before....
And the only way it worked was to nip it in the bud and be very consistent, just like you were confronted with toddlers behaviour.

I'm sorry that you're upset OP but I'm not going to champion you nor cheerlead you. This is about - in my opinion - two separate things.

1. You do everything
2. Your family do not want to engage with you.

You can only do something about 1. if you so choose. But you say that you like doing everything. Be careful of that because you can't then complain when you're left with everything to do because that would be martyr-ish.

I think it's all about 2. and you're sad about that. You're allowed to be. There's nothing you can do to make your family engage with you if they don't want to. You can't impose a ban on phones or force them to talk to you. You can only change YOU.

So, if you are in the mood for thinking about what to change, that's where you start (if 2. is what is bothering you). If it's 1. after all and you didn't mean what you said then a fair division of labour is absolutely in order.

But if it's 2. then absent yourself and start doing things by yourself or with people who do actually want to spend time with you.

The thing is, they are adults, if they WANTED to talk to you, they would. Clearly they preferred doing what they were doing. You can’t tell adults what to do, but even if you did, they’d be talking to you because you forced them to - who wants that?

Forced ‘ambiance’ mixed with martyrdom and tbh I can see why they prefer their screens. ‘Special evening’ & ‘engaging’ make me recoil. You wanted to make the meal on your own, so when they were on the gadgets you should have just listened to the music and cooked, demanding attention while you’re cooking is so...needy. It’s claustrophobic.

And you owe Lucy a genuine apology. Your post was nasty.

I've just exploded at my partner for a similar reason. He's spending too much time on his phone while I'm running around stressed out trying to cook and clean. Ah!!!! I've told him no phones at the table and then he gets twitchy!

Whoa there bring! In no way did I suggest the OP was drinking and driving. She’d been to the pub, but wasn’t drinking apparently. I wondered whether she’d been designated driver along with everything else.

This all sounds self inflicted. If this has been the 'norm' for years then it has become normal, accepted behaviour.

You wanted a 'special evening', but did your OH and DD know about that, or was it just a bog standard evening for them? Did you make it clear that you only wanted to go to the pub if they were going to talk to you all the time? I certainly wouldn't expect a 22 yo to go to the pub and talk to her elderly parents the whole time.

I know when I go to the pub I like nothing better than a glass of wine and reading the newspapers or a good book. Often the music is to loud to make chatting easy anyway. I would find it a bit stressful if I had to make small talk all the time.

If in the kitchen cooking why wouldn't you just say for everyone to wait until the food was ready and then come into the kitchen. If you need help tossing a salad did you ask any of them to help or did you just start doing it all yourself as you seem to normally do?

I can imagine you would have had a nicer evening if you had called them all in when it was ready and had a nice chat over food, as the other 2 seemed to do.

If all else fails just sit down and enjoy the time looking at your phone, rather than raging at them.

Can someone please tell me what aibu means?

Am I Being Unreasonable?

It's very difficult, the phone people v the RL chatters. It's become so ingrained as a habit, across the generations - it's no longer seen as rude to many to be constantly gawping at a little personal screen while in company.

Julie why would you negotiate that if you go out to a pub you will converse and behave like people who enjoy each others' company???

Madness! If you're too fragile to go out stay at bloody home plugged into a phone/tablet.

I'd be raging at the second bit too.

OlafLovesAnna Because I have friends that only want to go out to the pub for a chat and say so beforehand. I also have friends that just want company to go to the pub to enjoy the atmosphere, sit quietly in the corner, read tablet etc who also make that clear before hand.

Depending on my mood I do either and also make it clear before hand. I would be very pissed off if I only went out for a 'quiet' one and friend told me to put my paper/tablet down.

It's very difficult, the phone people v the RL chatters. It's become so ingrained as a habit, across the generations - it's no longer seen as rude to many to be constantly gawping at a little personal screen while in company.
Maybe if people were actually much clearer that THIS IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR when youare with other people, this wouod be seen as more and kore acceptable.
In effect, we need many more people like the OP who get angry about it.

Fwiw, neither my teens nor H would dare doing anything like this.
Actually my own teens, having being at the receiving end of such behaviour, would describe that as rude and annoying....
And in some ways, it becoming a society issue as people are getting more and more isolated as result. And isolation has a huge impact on MH.....

It's very difficult, the phone people v the RL chatters. It's become so ingrained as a habit, across the generations - it's no longer seen as rude to many to be constantly gawping at a little personal screen while in company.
Maybe if people were actually much clearer that THIS IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR when youare with other people, this wouod be seen as more and kore acceptable.
In effect, we need many more people like the OP who get angry about it.

Fwiw, neither my teens nor H would dare doing anything like this.
Actually my own teens, having being at the receiving end of such behaviour, would describe that as rude and annoying....
And in some ways, it becoming a society issue as people are getting more and more isolated as result. And isolation has a huge impact on MH.....

It's very difficult, the phone people v the RL chatters. It's become so ingrained as a habit, across the generations - it's no longer seen as rude to many to be constantly gawping at a little personal screen while in company.
Maybe if people were actually much clearer that THIS IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR when youare with other people, this wouod be seen as more and kore acceptable.
In effect, we need many more people like the OP who get angry about it.

Fwiw, neither my teens nor H would dare doing anything like this.
Actually my own teens, having being at the receiving end of such behaviour, would describe that as rude and annoying....
And in some ways, it becoming a society issue as people are getting more and more isolated as result. And isolation has a huge impact on MH.....

Okay Shockers

Read that wrong. I get your point there.

I suppose it also depends what dinnertime conversations are like, doesn't it? Some people take the opportunity for general chit-chat, asking about your day or discussing general topics of interest - and some use it as an opportunity to 'rally the troops' and bring up things that should have been done/haven't been done, etc.

If people around you don't want to spend time with you then the only thing that can change is your response to that. You can't make people engage if they don't want to.

WHY are OP's family not engaging? What's happened? This isn't an attack on OP, it's a general question as to why her nearest and dearest just can't be bothered.

Seriously, how can anyone blame OP for this, for not being scintillating enough at meal times? Her partner and daughter are being rude. They can suck it up and chat for 20 mins at supper, surely. And if they can't, it's not OP's fault.

The OP is gone and she is not coming back to update, it seems.

Why I am not sure as we were all on her side.

Awww poor Lucy :( I read her comment as just saying she was interested in what was happening, I know I was.

I'd love an update OP, did you bring this up with your OH?

I genuinely was. I though that was the spirit of the op's post. I was looking forward to the OP getting her revenge.

Hopefully she did.

Anyway I'll have to work on my funny side. or post lots of to make it clearer.

Since you say you could similarly be quite happy watching YouTube, the real problem is they're not pulling their weight with preparing the meal and so forth and they're expecting you to do all this for them.

What possessed you to run around and put all that bloody effort in for two people who’ve chosen to ignore you earlier in favour of their phone? There are no medals for martyrdom, just indifference.

It's very difficult, the phone people v the RL chatters. It's become so ingrained as a habit, across the generations - it's no longer seen as rude to many to be constantly gawping at a little personal screen while in company

^^This

Who wants to be around grown adults who've not even the awareness to realise its rude to be in company and ignore those around you? That can't be bothered to engage with you?

Worse to be advised that its somehow YOUR fault that they choose to do this.. There are lots of things Id like to tell people to do, or not. But as adults people make their own choices. People land on here as they've talked and talked re whatever's bothering them, then they land here wanting unbiased advice..to be faced with people who are acting as if she's done the most heinous thing possible and whole situation is her fault

Seizing on the fact she tried to make dinnertime nice ffs. So? & how many times is it going to be repeated?

In your shoes OP Id get a hobby and social life and go and do that. Your DD will grow and leave home anyway, and long before then she will have her own friends social life interests. & you'll be stuck with boring Mr Flat Arse From Sitting Around On Phone for years..engrossed in other people's lives and doings and likely those stupid videoclips people seem to send around these days. Hardly interesting to be with

If you don't want years of staring at the side of his head then get a life for yourself

I wouldnt be cooking for them either! Do your own next time and when come to ask where their food is tell them to ask SIRI lol!!!!! No phones etc at our dinner table ever its just rude, 🤬 dd is only 5 but she understand dinner time is just that dinner time (and no before you ask she doesnt have a real phone just a toy one!!) your 22 yr old dd and 60 yr old dh (if your still calling them darling after this) should know better!!! 😡

I've a 22 & 23 year old. They're well into their phones. The usual. But as they've their own lives going on as young adults I barely see them..to be expected really. So when they're here we sit and chat, have a laugh etc later on they'll go elsewhere in house or out, whatever - but they're not sitting there engrossed in their phones whilst we're all in each other's presence talking. I've not even had to mention anything re phones to them

& a 60 year old! doing this - wow..