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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

... to fucking explode at partner and daughter on their mobile phones ..

230 replies

Fontella · 12/01/2018 23:26

ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Went out to the local pub this evening the three of us - rare in itself - and they are texting and looking - all the fucking time while we are sat in the pub.

Came back home and I'm cooking supper and preparing everything and the two of them are sat at the table completely engrossed in their phones while I run around like a blue arsed fly laying the table, trying to chat, preparing salad, pouring drinks for everyone, lighting candles, putting on the music - I might as well be a waitress.

I just flipped out - not sure where that came from - and they both looked at me like I was a mad woman and so I came upstairs and the two of them are sat down there eating the food I fucking cooked!

I don't want to share a room with people whose whole focus is a little battery operated handset. I want to talk, laugh, engage, have conversation, interact, enjoy the food, listen to the music .. but I might as well have been nobody tonight because that is how they both treated me.

OP posts:
ElsieMc · 13/01/2018 09:53

So very annoying. My gs's are told to turn theirs off at the table. My sil always sits there when I visit (when I have been asked to generally) and plays on his phone, never offering me a drink or anything. Sometimes sprawls across the sofa so I cant even sit down. Yet, he has had so many meals cooked at my home, including huge Christmas dinners year in year out. I totally get the rage op.

Note the talk of martyrdom here though. I am a martyr and it is not a good look. I need to stop it although is morning I got up to the dogs whilst my dh lay in bed when I was ill again last night with a long term illness. Its a hard habit to break. When I said they needed a poo, he responded "well hold it in..."fgs.

Time to put your foot down op from someone who needs to do it herself.

sonjadog · 13/01/2018 09:53

Sounds like you need a good conversation with them about this this morning, OP, and maybe some new strategies in place for future occasions. You are right to make a stand about this - it really is so rude.

FinallyHere · 13/01/2018 09:56

while I proceeded to run around like a blue arsed fly preparing supper

not even quite sure myself why this has pissed me off so much. Just the realisation how much they take me for granted I think!

^ this is it, I'm afraid.

The question is, what you are going to do about it? In an ideal world, you would express yourself before the anger builds up, so that it doesn't come as a horrible surprise to them. If they are both adults, then maybe it is time for an adult conversation about 'how things are going to work', making clear that it won't be one person slaving while two people are waited upon. I would tend to take the phone bit out of it, if they were helping (or taking turns) then the phones would be irrelevant. Likewise, would you be happier if they were just sitting talking to each other while you worked?

The trick is that you need to get rid of that anger, which will stop you making a clear argument and coming to a clear consensus. While it might not seem fair, it won't just be you deciding what everyone does. Once you have got rid of that feeling of being hard done by, get together with them and get an agreement thrashed out. You might decide to take it in turns, to choose/buy/make/clear up a meal, or some other division of labour.

You need to be prepared that the agreement won't be exactly what you would have everyone do. You can however make sure that it is fair and doesn't involve you doing absolutely everything. It also might mean someone else using your kitchen, so remember to stipulate that the kitchen is left tidy etc.

Anything new will take some time to bed down, so give them some time to get good at things, enthusiastically eat what they produce meanwhile.,.If the agreement is fair and they just don't get with the agreed programme, then it would be appropriate to withdraw your labour. I'd suggest that this would mean just cooking and eating by yourself, rather than removing your presence just at the point that you would have got to enjoy the fruit of all your labour.

Understand that you were cross, and they were ungrateful, but if you want cooperation you need to get consensus, however painful that is. For example, we have iPads with Saturday lunch, we all make what we want to eat (usually something like bread and cold meat/cheese) and eat together round the table. All other meals are usually cooked by someone, the table set and cleared by someone else who also clears the kitchen. One when in the cooks role is very, very mess so does all their contribution in one go, cooking and clearing up the whole meal.

All the best. It won't be easy but it really is that simple, to enforce fairness in chores.

MrsJBaptiste · 13/01/2018 09:56

Completely agree with Simon in the fact that they won't think twice about this today. Meanwhile you think things have been resolved and last night won't happen again but I think it will. Phones will be out again today (and forever) and you'll be cooking their food, etc. I think you've shot yourself in the foot by giving your OH a duvet and taking yourself off to bed without complaining...

scaryteacher · 13/01/2018 10:01

I'm with you all the,way OP. My 22 yo ds is glued to his phone, but he knows when home, if he wants to eat what I've cooked, the phone goes away as they are unacceptable at mealtimes.

I have also warned a friend of 25 years that I do not want to see his phone out any more when he and his wife are around for dinner. He wouldn't have it out if he were dining in the Officers Mess, so he needn't do it at my table. His wife agrees.

I hate the effect smartphones have on social interaction. It's bloody rude and says the phone is more important than the person you are with. Sod that.

For the PP who said that talking to someone you've known for 20+ years,is boring, no, it isn't. Ds is 22; and I only see him in uni holidays. We talk about all sorts, and it's great. Same with dh; we still talk after 32 years. The difference is, neither dh or I have smartphones. I refuse to have one as they don't interest me; and Dh's employer provides his phone, it's not a smartphone and has a specific configuration due to his job.

Fontella · 13/01/2018 10:09

You could have said, in the pub, put your bloody phones away we’re here to chat.

I did, several times - all to no avail it seems.

I'm still angry this morning, but it's a cooler, calmer sort of anger. I think there's a lot of truth in some of these responses and yes I do play the martyr a bit - quietly getting on with everything all the time .. but last night, it was like the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back I'm afraid, and I realise things have to change around here.

Anyway thanks again to everyone who has responded. I never name changed and there is quite a lot of personal stuff in this thread so I am going to ask MN to delete it.

OP posts:
RadioGaGoo · 13/01/2018 10:10

Express yourself however you want to OP, it's your senario. If you are exploding or boiling with rage, that's absolutely fine.

Fontella · 13/01/2018 10:13

Does anyone know how I go about getting a thread deleted?

Do I email MNHQ - how does it work?

Thanks

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 13/01/2018 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 13/01/2018 10:25

So no one on here ever did anything poorly judged or ill considered when angry? I have, it's because I was fucking angry!And I don't care if she dresses for dinner in pearls and tiara-it makes her happy. She was obviously wanting to make it a time to sit, talk and join together.
Today (when you are outwardly calm,but still full of righteous indignation) tell them that phones are no longer to be at the dinner table, if you go out on a social occasion ditto AND, this is the bit that shone out in your post, (from one martyr to another) preparation, cooking and cleaning up is not solely your responsibility.

Slartybartfast · 13/01/2018 10:28

i dont think this thread is very personal op, not enough to take down.

problembottom · 13/01/2018 10:36

If I'm with someone constantly looking at their phone I stop talking the minute they glance at it and say nicely "don't worry, I'll wait until you're done". Very effective. If I went to the pub with my OH and kids completely ignoring me while looking at their phones I'd simply get up and go home. I'd probably only have to do it once!

Trashboat · 13/01/2018 10:40

Wow. Think you need to chill the eff out OP. Still angry this morning?

Why didn't you just say 'i am not prepared to light candles, play music and cook supper, unless you put your phones away'

If they didn't agree to it, you could have saved yourself the trouble.

Blackteadrinker77 · 13/01/2018 10:43

I would just have said, DD can you start chopping the onions while I prep the meat. DH can you set the table.

Phones away for a while please, let's have some family time.

You should not leave the small niggles to become all out screaming and storming around.

supersop60 · 13/01/2018 10:44

OP - I hear you. Today you could (calmly) lay down your boundaries.
Eg - When we are out, I expect you to put your phones down and talk. If you don't, I shall leave. When we are at home, I expect you to put your phones down and appreciate the meal I have cooked. if you don't, I shall not cook.
Etc. and follow through. You'll only have to do it once.

supersop60 · 13/01/2018 10:46

And to PP. Stop saying "WHY didn't you do this or that?" It's totally unhelpful.

LadyintheRadiator · 13/01/2018 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigApple11 · 13/01/2018 10:50

Have they apologised yet OP?

RedDogsBeg · 13/01/2018 10:52

Firesuit what a strange comment - you think fluff and stuff on the internet is more interesting than talking to people and you find talking to anyone a boring waste of time? What a peculiar and limited life you must lead.

theredjellybean · 13/01/2018 10:55

i am right with you OP....and no i dont think you should have to tell adults/kidults or young people that you would like them to put the phone away and talk to you ...

but i did make rules of no phones at table some years ago, and now dds, dsds and my db ( aged 58 and the worse) dont even bring their phones out when at home, and we are all in same room.

my dp will excuse himself from a meal or conversation or even from watching tv if his phone goes and take the call in his study ..tbf he is on call pretty much 24/7 with his job so we accept that.

Chrys2017 · 13/01/2018 10:57

If you've known someone at least 22 years, their probability of being more interesting than the most interesting thing currently on the internet must be near zero.

What a sad state of affairs for you if this is true.

MadMags · 13/01/2018 10:58

It’s not unhelpful to ask why someone would continually martyr herself in this way.

It’s not good for her.

Blackteadrinker77 · 13/01/2018 11:02

supersop60- It is not unhelpful, hopefully the OP can use the advise next time so as to nip it in the bud and not escalate things.

BuzzKillington · 13/01/2018 11:03

This would not be tolerated in my house. I (or dh) just say 'phones down' and that's it. Absolutely no phones out in pubs or restaurants.

You need some rules. And if them washing up is a 'rare bonus', you need to stop being a mug.

Wdigin2this · 13/01/2018 11:03

Couldn't you have just agreed with them beforehand....no phones tonight, bit less dramatic than flouncing upstairs?!

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