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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to fucking explode at partner and daughter on their mobile phones ..

230 replies

Fontella · 12/01/2018 23:26

ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Went out to the local pub this evening the three of us - rare in itself - and they are texting and looking - all the fucking time while we are sat in the pub.

Came back home and I'm cooking supper and preparing everything and the two of them are sat at the table completely engrossed in their phones while I run around like a blue arsed fly laying the table, trying to chat, preparing salad, pouring drinks for everyone, lighting candles, putting on the music - I might as well be a waitress.

I just flipped out - not sure where that came from - and they both looked at me like I was a mad woman and so I came upstairs and the two of them are sat down there eating the food I fucking cooked!

I don't want to share a room with people whose whole focus is a little battery operated handset. I want to talk, laugh, engage, have conversation, interact, enjoy the food, listen to the music .. but I might as well have been nobody tonight because that is how they both treated me.

OP posts:
IamLucyBarton · 13/01/2018 00:38

If it makes you feel right once I "placed" the pan in the sink mus cooking and walked out, because I was too the invisible scullery maid cum cook.
Not a moment I am proud of but better than suck it up. Eventually you just stop.

I must say, now I know exactly how Francesca in the film Bridges of Madison feels when she is with her family. I did not get that at all when I watched it as a teen.

fluffyrobin · 13/01/2018 00:38

Op, this is the start of a new life for you!

I love candles and music too, gives a lovely, peaceful ambience.

From now on you are the VIP of the family and as such you are able to make demands on others and will only accept VIP treatment.

Your poo encrusted doormat days are officially over. How lucky it coincides with the start of a new year!

SavvyBlancBlonde · 13/01/2018 00:39

FWIW, I agree with OP. There’s a electronic van at our table. Even the youngest bollocks DH if he’s checking work emails. Unless an absolute dire emergency (think life/death or the company is burning down scenario) there is no need for them at the table nor to be at cost of family life. I get where Fontella is coming from - there have been a couple of times we’ve spent time as a family out only to come home and for the youngsters to ignore me and DH to either go on his PC or sleep on the sofa whilst I run around like a blue arsed fly.

Fontella - did you do all the running around at Christmas as well? Why don’t you go downstairs, grab your candles and wine so you can go back upstairs have a relaxing bath or open your history websites. Do not look at the table nor the washing up. If they have any sense, they wouldn’t have left that for you, and if they have, don’t let it make you more angry.

Sn0tnose · 13/01/2018 00:39

Sn0t that is brilliant! Could I pm you next time I get the rage so you can direct me towards a much more genteel and effective way of telling them to FO? Sadly, I can only think of non offensive ways when I'm not actually cross. The rest of the time, I could give a docker a run for his money in the swearing department. tries to appear shamefaced but not at all sorry

GetYourRocksOff · 13/01/2018 00:39

Take the time to do what you want!

SavvyBlancBlonde · 13/01/2018 00:40

*ban not van.

How would I park a van on my table?

Sn0tnose · 13/01/2018 00:43

Do not look at the table nor the washing up. If they have any sense, they wouldn’t have left that for you, and if they have, don’t let it make you more angry. Do look! And if they have left it, then it goes in the bin. Plates, bowls, glasses, saucepans, the lot. This is your Waterloo, don't lose momentum!

fluffyrobin · 13/01/2018 00:45

Oh and redo Christmas!

Perhaps write a spreadsheet of what needs to be done and ask everybody to initial their contributions?

Do it now so it's fresh in their minds. If there is no goodwill in your family then book somewhere.

From now on you are going to take a backseat at christmasses.

Do everything you can so that you enjoy your life as you only live once.

IamLucyBarton · 13/01/2018 00:46

SnOt I am officially your groupie.

IamLucyBarton · 13/01/2018 00:50

Gosh even I start feeling irrational at the thought of plates left around. My h used to do this... he now lives somewhere else and when he comes here for dinner he is quick to clear the table and when he invites me over he does, obviously, all the washing up with a bug smile and pours me a drink.
Why he had to be such a CF before it is still to be studied. In the meantime I enjoy my space.

Original poster
Fontella · 13/01/2018 00:51

OP, did you ask them to help or say anything at all about them helping you?

Bizarrely, I didn't want them to help.

I've never had a problem with doing the cooking and cleaning and homemaking all of the rest of it (and even as I'm writing that I can feel the wrath of MN coming down on me).

I would have happily cooked and cleaned and created a nice atmosphere .. if they'd appreciated it, engaged with me, been present, been there in the moment .. but they were both completely engrossed in their phones.

And I'm not just talking about a few minutes. At one point when the food was in the oven I actually got to sit down at the table and my OH looked up at me .. and then went straight back to his phone. And the I waiting another 10 minutes.

My argument with all this is that they can look at their phones whenever they want. I like coming online ... I'm up here now on my computer posting on Mumsnet. I love military history and belong to forums an research online and watch videos on youtube and try to engage with that when I can.

But I don't do it when I'm in the pub with my daughter and partner and I don't do it when I'm in the kitchen preparing a supper for us all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fontella · 13/01/2018 00:53

Apologies for all the typos and no, I'm not drunk just very tired!

(and pissed off!)

OP posts:
SavvyBlancBlonde · 13/01/2018 00:53

Do look! And if they have left it, then it goes in the bin. Plates, bowls, glasses, saucepans, the lot. This is your Waterloo, don't lose momentum!

Actually, I could also see myself doing this. And if the phones were on the table and just next to the plates, I could claim rage that they went into the bin liner with the rest of it.

Unless it was the denby. Bollocks to that. I’d rather take the hit for covering the OH’s phone with leftover seafood linguini than throw out the denby.

MadMags · 13/01/2018 00:57

It’s awful to feel unappreciated but there’s no fucking way I’d have left them the food!!

Original poster
Fontella · 13/01/2018 01:03

It’s awful to feel unappreciated but there’s no fucking way I’d have left them the food!!

Hahahahaha!

That made me laugh out loud, but I stifled it in case they heard me.

It's all gone suspiciously quiet down there and I haven't heard anyone come up to bed. It's like deadly silence, not even the telly going and no footsteps that I've heard coming up here. My son is away for a month so technically OH could have gone into his room ... but I've certainly not heard him coming upstairs.

I am officially starving so I am going to have to go down there shortly and raid the fridge.

Will he be sat at the kitchen table. Will he have gone into the lounge for the 'sleeping on sofa' scenario?

I'm about to find out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fontella · 13/01/2018 01:05

Uh oh I spoke too soon, I can hear mumbling voices.

I think they may be slagging off talking about me.

OP posts:
IamLucyBarton · 13/01/2018 01:07

I am at the edge ofmy seat, bed actually. This Is better than an episode of Stranger Things.

LemonysSnicket · 13/01/2018 01:12

@MadMags but she shouldn’t HAVE to ask. Her husband and adult daughter have brains and can a) have a conversation as is normal when at the pub and b) recognise that the table needs setting.

She shouldn’t always have to ask.

Original poster
Fontella · 13/01/2018 01:18

I am at the edge ofmy seat, bed actually. This Is better than an episode of Stranger Things.

Why precisely?

Woman gets pissed off at OH and daughter being obsessed with their phones?

If that keeps you at the edge of your seat then you must have an incredibly dull life!

OP posts:
DarkPeakScouter · 13/01/2018 01:20

Did you get some dinner? Did they apologise?

2birds1chick · 13/01/2018 01:22

*Why precisely?

Woman gets pissed off at OH and daughter being obsessed with their phones?

If that keeps you at the edge of your seat then you must have an incredibly dull life!*

Bit rude. Think Lucy was being humourous rather than mean, about what would happen if you did go downstairs...

Original poster
Fontella · 13/01/2018 01:25

Did you get some dinner? Did they apologise?

No apology .. daughter had just gone to bed.

Looked over bannister and all of the lights off downstairs.

I am starving and I am going down to raid the fridge. If he's sat in the kitchen in darkness then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

He definitely hasn't left the house. Small house I'd have heard the door. He's either in the lounge on sofa (I really, really hope so) or he's be sat at the kitchen table in the darkness stony faced.

I'm going down ...

OP posts:
2Cold4me · 13/01/2018 01:30

fontella, your post at 01.18 was quite mean spirited. I think the poster in question was just trying to lighten the mood.

justilou1 · 13/01/2018 01:33

Please tell me that they left you some food and the kitchen was clean....

musicposy · 13/01/2018 01:34

I don't think you can get too upset if you didn't want their help and didn't warn them you were getting upset - they may have been feeling like spare parts or assumed you were fine just to get on with it. Make everyone muck in in future. But I get the phone thing, it's rude and annoying. In future be very clear about what you want before you get so upset. DH would live on his phone but I am very specific, "I want you to put your phone away now until after dinner and talk to me." It felt rude and bossy at the start but he says he's much happier knowing exactly what I want and I'm happier too.

All over Christmas I worked like a Trojan while they sat on their arses. .. and I didn't even mind that if you get something back.

Don't do this in future. I have DDs in their late teens/early twenties and realised a couple of years back that it was ridiculous for me to be the house slave whilst everyone else sat around. So the last couple of years, a huge rota goes up on the whiteboard in the kitchen. Everything is rota-ed, divided completely equally. Even the Christmas dinner is cooked by all 4 of us equally, with everyone having their own responsibilities. Christmas has never been so easy.

Don't run around after the rest of the family like a slave. You're not doing them any favours, especially your children. It gives daughters the message that they should be slaves to the family and sons the message that it's ok to expect that of women. Use tonight to change things.