To say Nursery is beneficial before 3

[Shouldnotwouldnot]

I know there are loads who argue that Nursery for those under 3 is negative and it’s always better to be with parents. However, anecdotally from friends I’ve noticed that children that have been to Nursery from a young age seem much more confident and, often easy-going than those who’ve been at home all the time. SAHM mums seem to say how hard their children find being away from them and socialising with other children whilst those who’ve been attending Nursery seem to throw themselves into these things far more easily.

Thoughts?

All children are different, but I don't agree in general. My DCs didn't start preschool until after they turned 3 and were more confident than most of my friends' DCs who went to nursery. I made sure I took them to a class or a group every day though and I think this is really important if they don't do nursery.

My daughter never went to nursery. She is such a well behaved, confident child.
My friends 2 children went and both struggle to be seperated from the parents.

What im saying is it depends on the child. Some thrive, some dont in either setting.

My son started part-time nursery at 11m. The benefits for him are that he has somewhere to live and good to eat because my salary pays for those things. Another benefit is that I am a better parent for being able to work too.

Actually, he’s also had some great opportunities to try things, been on some good trips and has made some lovely friends. The advantages for him are not all academic, but largely social. We’ve been very fortunate that his nursery is such good quality.

tinklylittlelaugh I’ve not noticed that as a result of Nursery - my little girl is normally wary of adult strangers and that’s a normal development thing isn’t it? It’s not normal for a toddler to allow a perfect stranger to take them off. Nurseries aren’t full of ‘strangers’ looking after them - they have a small set of adults looking after them and whom they form attachments with

chocolate1984 you seem to have an awful lot of traumatised children in your circle of friends! Lucky you can pin it all down to them going to Nursery like millions of other children do/ have done

princesshairymcclary you see I’m not sure it was always the way that children spent the vast majority of time with one primary caregiver. In the past childcare was performed by a much wider circle of family and friends on a daily basis that doesn’t happen so much now.

My lo wasn't at all ready for childminder when i went back to work part time at 10 months - it was miserable.

Then at 14 months i went full time and shes thriving (new childminder).

The quality of the childminder is absolutely key.

Fwiw im a teacher in a school based nursery and every single child is thriving in our context - most of them have never been in a setting before and theyve matured and settled fabulously including the ones that screamed blue murder for the first couple of days!!!

I think it's highly beneficial for most. It helps with speech, taking turns, friendship, learning, social skills etc. It also helps for an easier transition into school.

There's often far more activities available than a child would do at home and they learn they are not centre of attention.

I always find the ones that say it's like leaving children with strangers suddenly forget that once the child is of school age and send them off rather than home educate to protect them from unknown adults.

Having said that the ones that found it hardest to settle were the ones who hadnt regularly been to toddler groups etc - lots and lots of input required into how to play with toys and interact with peers

I felt guilty putting DS aged 14 months into nursery. However, seven months later we cannot believe how well he has thrived there and genuinely seems to love it. He has opportunities we couldn’t easily provide in a home setting, has made friends and has massively developed his confidence. With the EYFS assessments it’s also useful to know how he is doing developmentally. I am now cutting back my hours to the extent that we no longer ‘need’ nursery (DP has weekdays off) but we are still choosing to take him simply because he loves it there.
I should add that I do still think it is child and setting specific. We are lucky that this nursery is superb and ideally suited to our son. I cannot fault them. However I would never judge someone who, for whatever reason, chose not to send their child to nursery.

absofrigginlootly attachments can be formed with a wide group of caregivers and results in normal secure attachment base from which to explore the world. This is normal. Children that go to Nursery wouldn’t (usually) be happy to just be chucked into a room of strangers and get on with it. And no-one is suggesting they should as your post suggests.

A child being very distressed at separation can often be a sign of an ambivalent/ insecure attachment pattern which obviously isn’t good.

Anyway

It totally depends on the child. My DS started nursery aged 3 he was with me 24/7 from birth as my DH works away a fair bit and we don’t live close to family. He has always been so confident in new situation and with new people, he walked in to nursery without a backwards glance and has only been upset going in 3 times or so in a year. And that was due to tiredness from a busy day before.
OTOH my DD is 2 and she will be starting at 3 next year and I imagine it’ll be harder for her as she’s more clingy and shy than DS. I don’t think her going to nursery before age 2 would have helped.
So to me it’s definitely hard to generalise all children.

I'm a sahm and my DS is nearly 2.5 he's absolutely fine about socialising with others and playing with new people, he's the first to do a runner when we go to soft play or anywhere with toys so I'm a bit sad at the idea that when he does start nursery he won't miss me at all
That said, I've had a group of mum friends since he was 3 months old so he's always had other kids to socialise with and we have playdates at least once a week.
My friends tend to have trouble when they have time off with their DC and then send them back to nursery, they really struggle with the toddlers being upset and not wanting to go to nursery again so they have to battle through it to get back into the routine.
I do think that it comes down to the personality of the child too though, my DS will play with anyone but of his friends one or two are much quieter and only want to play with the people they spend more time with/know better so I don't think nursery is always the deciding factor for how well a child can socialise

It depends. 2 if mine did and 1 didn't. The one at home with me is far better with nature. She knowsand can identify leaves and trees and plants. We spent every day out doors and her knowledge of the world is wonderful. We did lots of socialising, she never missed out. I am hoping to do the same with my 4th.

Not all nurseries are created equal, some are lovely nurturing places, others are not. Same could be said for homes though.
Some children benefit from being in a centre from a young age, others really don't.Some parents just really need to work (financial, mental health, improving future outcomes.) So there are lots of ways in which being in a centre might benefit a child.

Either way, if you are in a position where you are considering child care outside the home then a high quality setting will help make it a positive.
Factors like good ratios (ideally 1:3), small group size (ideally less than 12 under twos) qualified & happy staff, low staff turnover. Access to outdoors, well cared for resources. Primary caregiving would also be ideal for young infants.

I think it can be beneficial obviously, but that confidence can also be due to the child. DS1 has always happily strode into situations I'd be scared of - like the time I booked him into a half term club, and only when got there realised that it was really for kids 3 years older than him (they'd been running an afterschool club at DS's school as a favour to the headmaster) - DS, who was 4, went in, and by the end of the first day, everyone knew him and he knew everyone. He's been like that since the first time he walked into a playgroup at 2, without even a glance back at me!

DS2 on the other hand, is nervous of new situations, and has to be carried, crying, into birthday parties with his classmates, and has always been like that! He needs to be pushed out of the nest basically, rather than his brother who voluntarily leaps.

And for both of them, I've been a co-sleeping baby wearer, living away from family so no babysitters, pretty much spending every waking minute with me or their dad - it's just their personalities.

I’ve worked in a nursery. It totally depends on the child’s personality. I don’t really like nursery’s for under 2s for lots of reasons. But from 2 yes some children will benefit from nursery and love all the activities and interactions with other children and staff. Then there are children who are quite quiet and prefer a calmer environment, they are overwhelmed by all the hustle and bustle and spend the whole time in nursery in an unsettled, anxious state. I don’t think children like this will benefit much from nursery.

Definitely. Mine started at 8 months and 11 months respectively. It is hard at first but they love it so much. Our nursery is very full on they never stop (walk miles, do football, rugby, dancing, etc) and seem to breed very exuberant confident children. At times when I'd like a bit of peace instead of being asked "what's next" I do sometimes think "FFS bloody nursery making them always want to do something" but I'd rather have it that way than some shrinking violets who don't want to do anything.

I have some friends who have changed nursery regularly because the child doesn't like them, accepting everyone is different but I do wonder what that says about pandering to the child and doesn't give any stability.

It depends on the child. My DD went to nursery and after being locked in a shed for hours by other kids (and no one telling us) it scared her terribly. Triggered by the loss of her grandad and a big house move at the same time, our poor girl was crippled with anxiety from aged 2-6. It had took a lot of work to get where we are now and that is thanks to her amazing primary school and camhs.
My DS hasn't had any scary incidents (better nursery, staff, procedures) and he thrives. He's 2. Took a lot of trust to leave him after what happened to his sister.

For us a bit of both has worked well. I'm a SAHM but we paid for all of them to go to nursery for a few mornings a week from age 2. No problems with socialization etc. Although DD2 did struggle with going to nursery after her older sister left to start school. Only lasted a month or 2 though.

I have known children who attend nursery from much younger ages who love it and some children who really struggle and become very unhappy. There is no one size fits all.

@LoveShouldBeALockedDoor that's horrendous your poor child - I hope you reported to ofsted. (Ps interesting choice of username!)

Yabu. The research points to 1-1 care being ideal for under 3's. Not possible for a lot of people though - including sahps of more than one child.

shouldnotwouldnot yeah, see, people say "as long as you love and care for them" etc but then threads like this crop up with people stating that nursery is beneficial, which implies that being looked after by a parent full time isn't beneficial. If you love and care for your kids then you want what's best for them. If you're told that the thing you're not doing is the thing that is beneficial, then can you not see how it can make people feel like they're failing their child by not giving them every advantage?

So it's apparently not just loving and caring for them, is it? Hence my comment about feeling like I fail my daughter by being at home with her and going to groups together etc, because that is apparently not the most beneficial thing, according to those who send their kids to nursery.

I don’t work. But my little boy has done 2 full days at nursery every week since he was 5 months old. The place he goes to is a stunning converted property with lovely gardens and a chef who cooks lovely food . The toys and play equipment are awesome and all the staff are warm, friendly and never look overtired or stressed. My little boy has just turned 8 months. He sings, claps, uses a spoon, walks with one hand held, swims with his face in water .... he’s just so confident that he will try anything and is learning so fast. His face lights up as we go up the drive and he kicks his legs in excitement when his nurses come to get him. So I would say if the nursery is good, the kid will thrive. Not all nurseries are as amazing as mine, there’s one down the road much cheaper that I wouldn’t leave my dog at.

mikado1
Waiting and watching before joining in is seen as v socially intelligent by many psychologists Waddlelikeapenguin, see my pp on the ignored value of shyness.

Yes this is definitely true of DD she's also empathetic & has a really finely tuned radar for people she feels are off etc i have always know she wont go off with someone etc. DS otoh bumbles into a situation is very happy but very unaware - him i always want to know where he is because he has no radar!! He is also the child that gets snapped at because he pushes people past their comfort level.

I have noticed the phenomenon Jess mentions in some children who have been used to full time nursery from an early age - the "what's next" effect. I think it's a sign of a misguided but probably well meaning nursery philosophy - children should be able to entertain and occupy themselves some of the time. Where nursery is too adult led children expect constant input and lack internal resourcefulness. Nursery staff should not be constantly leading children through one activity after another, but should be balancing unstructured or seemingly unstructured (with resources for children to discover for themselves, like discovery baskets for babies) time with some structured activities and outings.

Not all nurseries do it, and doubtless plenty of sahp do it too - properly trained child care professionals will not lead children through exciting activity after exciting activity, but will appear to be sitting back and observing, responding to the child not leading them, more than half the time. Actually this is also a balance that happens naturally at home in many cases - parent physically and emotionally available but doing chores or even reading a book is a good thing because the child explores their world for themselves, creates their own games alone or with siblings, always knowing the parent is a shout/ cry/ call/ few steps away to share discoveries or provide help if wanted, and becomes far more resourceful and self motivated.

Again it comes down not to whether nursery or child minder or sahp is better, but to the quality of the provision no matter which type it is. It's not true that the more activities the kids do per day the better it is though - definitely not.