To say Nursery is beneficial before 3

[Shouldnotwouldnot]

I know there are loads who argue that Nursery for those under 3 is negative and it’s always better to be with parents. However, anecdotally from friends I’ve noticed that children that have been to Nursery from a young age seem much more confident and, often easy-going than those who’ve been at home all the time. SAHM mums seem to say how hard their children find being away from them and socialising with other children whilst those who’ve been attending Nursery seem to throw themselves into these things far more easily.

Thoughts?

I only have one DD so nothing to compare my experience to first hand but my gut reaction is that being with the primary carer within a home/community environment is best for young children ideally with plenty of interaction with their own age group .Regardless of our current technological and societal changes it's the way we evolved and how life was until relatively recently and is still in many areas of the world.

I (of course) feel DD got the best of both worlds she went to nursery at 3 part time but we went to baby and toddler groups everyday from a very young age. She has always been very confident and easy going, she received 1:1 care and interaction that simply wouldn't be possible in a nursery setting.

Every parent is going to think their method is/was the best and as with most parenting topics it is very emotive.

I think once a child is not put into a sudden or poor quality separation/nursery, they will be fine. But in terms of even a top class nursery being 'better' than a decent, i.e. loving and responsive primary carer at home, can't see it.

I totally agree with you.

It does depend on the child. Dd2 needed the social interaction of preschool at 3yo more than the other two.

But I've heard a few infant school teachers comment that those who have been to nursery for long hours come in apparently more settled and happy to be separated, but often display low key unsettled behaviours for far longer than those who didn't. I thought that was interesting.

Anecdotes are not data, but I'm a SAHM to 2 children, and neither have ever cried or shown the slightest hesitation in any social situation ever. They are hugely socially confident.

I think it is a personality thing as much as anything else. One of my children is very confident and outgoing, whilst another one is fine with a small group of her friends but clingy and uncertain in larger groups. Both have had exactly the same upbringing so it has nothing to do with one going to nursery and one staying home.

Personality.
My first likes to wait & watch a situation/people before joining in. She is highly introverted & shy. I was smugly told this was because she stayed home with me. My second is charming & not shy - has three friends as soon as he enters a room... he stayed home too & if anything did less external groups etc than my first did.

Also we HE so we meet a huge number of kids who have never been in any childcare & they range from shy/reticent to outgoing/confident (as do our schooled friends! Actually the only thing i notice different about the HE v.s. schooled is that - in general- HE kids happily play with a wider range of ages & interact with adults more easily. )

It does depend on what you mean by nursery. I work and a family member cares for my DC whilst I'm working. My youngest goes to nursery for 2 afternoons a week - it's not school nursery, it's a private nursery but does 3 hour sessions not full days. My DS loves it, he's very sociable. I don't have an issue with him being not ready, or being too young - he seems to cope fine. I work every day away from my DC until the evening.

My other working friends seem to have the same mindset as me. My SAHM friends are the ones who have children who can't be left, or are not ready/too young/ too clingy etc. On the face of it it's not the children who have the issue. This is the situation in my circle of friends, so not a representation of everyone. No one ever comments on the difference but it's definitely there.

Waiting and watching before joining in is seen as v socially intelligent by many psychologists Waddlelikeapenguin, see my pp on the ignored value of shyness.

All kids in our social circle who went to nursery full time under 1 have had issues. One is 9 & seeing a child psychologist & they think he has attachment issue trauma from his mum going back to work at 6 months & crying everyday he was left in nursery. Another 8 year old still cries every morning going to school. One wee girl refused to talk to anyone but her teachers/childminder & was moved between nursery & childminder trying to resolve it. Another wee girl completely resents her mum saying she loves daddy (works from home, sees the kids more) more, you're not my mummy & they bicker.

I think young nursery kids learn just to get on with it. Not many kids are at home with 1 parent & 5 or 8 others fighting for attention. School is just an extension of the childcare so they probably are happy because it's no different to the normal routine.

Dd went a couple of times a week from 10 months.

Amazing place, she still visits now at 7

So glad we made the choice for her to go it was positives from day one.

I think if you are willing and able to do a range of activities and play with the child there is nothing better than being at home and having one to one care from someone who loves them, the care of a nursery nurse just cannot compete. However, if there are limited time or resources for the child at home it’s better they go to nursery.

Well, if we're talking anecdotal evidence, my 3.5-year-old has never attended nursery but is very sociable, is the first to approach others and ask them to play, joins in at ballet/dance classes and never clings to me. My stepdaughter, however, was at nursery from 6 months old and even now aged 8 suffers from social anxiety. She always clung to us throughout her friend's parties until she was 7, and only joined in at the end. She found the transition to reception at age 5 very difficult and clung to our legs screaming every morning for months. She won't readily join in with any new classes and has refused to attend every afterschool club despite some of them being her favourite hobbies (dancing and art).

I think that it's beneficial for the majority, but that does not mean that it's beneficial for all children.

These threads always seem to focus on the "positive benifits" of young children being ok with being away from their primary care givers and developing 'academically'. Like those are automatically good things, and the most important things.

The idea of emotional developmental outcomes, secure attachments etc is often overlooked...

I feel like in general, western culture is often and consistently trying to breakdown the very natural and normal (and necessary from a cognitive development point of view in terms of empathy development for example) attachment bonds that are supposed to form between an infant/young toddler and their primary carer.

It is normal for an infant/young toddler to be distressed at being separated from their primary career. It is not a sign of being "too clingy" "too immature" "too shy" etc... it is the sign of a secure attachment. It is not something that needs to be fixed, or judged negatively.

(Before anyone says it, of course there are children who are naturally outgoing and don't mind separation - that doesn't mean they aren't securely attached, they just have a naturally laid back, outgoing temperament).

I don't think it's any more beneficial than going to lots of toddler groups with a patent , playing with friends at home. As a Parent you're always there to guide them, eg help when they have a problem . The ratio of adult to child would be higher at nursery so it wouldn't be one to one attention.

I feel like in general, western culture is often and consistently trying to breakdown the very natural and normal (and necessary from a cognitive development point of view in terms of empathy development for example) attachment bonds that are supposed to form between an infant/young toddler and their primary carer.

I think you'll find that, in the majority of cases, it's not for the fun of it, but because it's necessary for most families to have both parents working. Most people aren't like, "Hey, let's break down the nature and normal bond between parent and child by popping James in daycare while we go out for drinks".

*natural

You can find evidence out there to support/not support nursery whichever way you want go....

For example:

Pro:
www.google.com/amp/www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/11/16/kids-better-off-at-nursery-rather-than-staying-at-home-with-mum/amp/

Mixed:
www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/02/nurseries-childcare-pre-school-cortisol

Against:
cosleeping.nd.edu/frequently-asked-questions/#Q19

Personally I think that humans have evolved to live in kinship groups. We are also carrying mammals with a very protracted infancy. Neuroscientific evidence consistently points to the necessary relationship between a primary carer and an infant for optimal brain development.... however, human children have always (until very recent in human history) existed within wider kinship groups where they would interact with a wide age range of children and adults. Observing, learning, playing, with parents not to far away to check in with emotionally.

Modern western live is not like that for most people. Who live very busy and isolated lives.

Like people have said, nursery will never provide the same quality of one on one interaction that an engaged, committed and loving parent can provide. It can provide a rich social environment though but I don't think that is exclusive to nursery settings. SAHP can provide that for their DC too through playgroups, music groups, family interactions etc

Superbeagle of course! I'm not saying parents are setting out to intentionally do this... I'm saying that the western capitalist economic model which values work first creates a society with these expectations.... I currently live in the states, where you can see the effect of this even more clearly. Common practice for 5 week old newborns to go to daycare full time because their parents have no other choice

Well dd is in year 1 now and I would never like to hazard a guess as to which children went to nursery young. I am pretty sure her teacher could not pick out which children went to nursery / chidcare or when. So I am dubious as to whether there are long term differences although am not aware of any longitudinal study. Mostly parents work out what suits their family best for a range of reasons.

Ds goes to nursery three mornings a week even though there is no need for him to do so - I thought it would be good preparation for school, that he would learn different things at nursery than at home and that it would be more fun for him than hanging about the house while the nanny or I do laundry, empty the dishwasher etc. It seems to be working so far - he doesn't seem to view it any differently than his gymnastics, music or swimming. He is bubbly and confident and outgoing but will have moments of clingyness when he is tired, hungry or his routine changes - seems pretty normal to me!

Mine started nursery at 2.9, 3 and 2.2.

With hindsight I should have waited until they were all 3....and maybe the September if the year before they started school. I don't think they benefitted at all from going as early as they did.

I can really see the benefits of both. My eldest has been at nursery since she was 1. She is shy and can be clingy. I feel that nursery has really helped her gain the confidence to be away from me. We have no extended family who could help with this if we didn’t use childcare. I think we’d have a big problem getting her to preschool or reception if she hasn’t got used to going away from me at an earlier age.

My youngest is much more sociable and I reckon he’d be happy in any setting.

We don’t have much choice anyway- the good local childminders are all full to bursting (one has just retired) and I need to work.

There seems to be a lot of veiled judgement in threads like this. The vast majority of parents are doing their best and I imagine nursery vs childminder vs home won’t make a significant difference into adulthood.