to ask MN if we should have a 3rd dc?!!.............................................can we have an honest conversation about moving from 2 dc to 3?

[mammyoftwo]

They say you know when you're ready. They say you know when the time is right. They say your body will tell me. BUT I don't know if I/we're ready. I/we don't know if the time is right. The only thing my body is telling me is TICK TOCK!!!!

So here's the deal......
Dh and I have 2 dc (two year age gap) of the same sex and gender. That is not in any way an "issue" or consideration; if we did have a third dc it would be to have another dc, rather than have a child of the opposite sex.

Originally when we got together, we always dreamed/planned of 3-4 children, leaning towards 4. However, owing to medical issues (I'll not bore you with the details, as it's a done deal and won't change) if we decide to "go again" we really only can have one more pregnancy and child (assuming it's not twins).

I've always been adamant I wanted a "bigger" (subjective, I know) family. However, it's only recently I've begun to waver. Suddenly two feels "easier" or more manageable. Looking to the future, it would mean

• not changing cars
• not moving house (if we had a third, two children would have to share a room, or we'd need to move for them to have a room each. There is a "play room", but I'd be reluctant to give this up to a bedroom, as it would leave us no social spaces outside of the living room and the kitchen).
• holidays would be easier to book (e.g. smaller, cheaper apartment/room etc)
• so many packages, tickets for things are for a "family of four"
• my sanity. I feel like I've barely scraped through 2017 intact (dc are 3 and 1, and VERY ACTIVE!!!!!)

Owing to my age, if we were to try for another child, it really need to start now. I don't have time to mess about, as I would be a "geriatric mother". I feel under pressure to decide, don't want to rush it, but don't feel I've time to wait any longer.

So my questions to you, the MN collective are:

1. What do I do???? Head (stick at two) or heart (go for a third)
2. Are my reasons for possibly sticking at two logical/materialistic/realistic/not important??? What would you base the decision on?
3. What have your experiences of moving from two to three been? Do you regret it? Was it harder/easier than you expected? What were the practical implications?

Hoping for some pearls of wisdom! Thanks in advance MN :)

My boss makes no secret that he desperately wishes they'd stuck at 2! Says everything is so much harder etc.

I always wanted 3 and so didn’t really debate it much. If I had done I would have stuck at 2! It’s definitely a heart/ head decision.

They are 6, 4 and 2 and it is tough going but only quite recently- the baby stage was fine. I personally I found going from 1to 2 much harder.

Thank you! Fos those that have 3, what agegap do you recommend between dc 2 and dc3?

*for

We have 3 with a large age gap - eldest was almost 13 when youngest was born. I wouldn't change it for the world but it is hard, I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions with the three of them. Everything seems to be catered towards families of 4, so things (days out for example) are quite a bit more expensive. We had to change cars and will have to move in the next couple of years but dc3 has completed out family.

I'm worried that if we only have two that when one is out, the other will be lonely. Has anyone found this to be the case?

They are separate people, they may or may not play together when younger. When they are at school they will have different friendship groups. My three enjoy each others' company but also enjoy the others not being there.

I have three children the first two are 22 months apart and the other gap is 23 months. I always say that I hardly noticed the third

When one is out where?

TBH that wouldn't even cross my mind. If anything, I'd imagine that most people are happy to have their own space.
Like I said, I have 3, but if I were to analyse it as much as you do, I could argue that 3 would be a worse combination than 2, because 1 could be left out?

Eg If one was at sprorts and the other is at home with a parent (ie no other children).

Our third was a total 'surprise' (after twins). We were shocked and appalled at the thought of a third (DH more than me) and couldn't see how it would work out.

It worked out brilliantly - DC3 has been an absolute delight, completed our family in a fantastic way.

By the time one is doing sports or something they will definitely have separate friendship groups. Don't have more children to provide playmates for the others.

bedroom sharing: two currently same sex can share, they will never know different.

cars: easier to sort than houses.

one at home alone will probably enjoy the one to one time.

I am expecting dd3 and I am nigh on 44 years old. DD1 is 11, DD2 is 4 (starts school in September).

I lost a little boy when I was unexpectedly pregnant (22 weeks) a couple of years ago and never expected to become pregnant again...had been told I had extremely low ovarian reserve. All being well baby will come along in March...though cant quite believe it will actually happen.
The large age gap works well for me however though as others have said finding compatible activities to occupy both dds in the holidays has been tricky (but not impossible - I have worked on this over the years).
We already have enough space 5 bedrooms, large enough car plus I am a sahm.
My biggest fear is struggling to find me time which I wont be able to achieve when smallest is a toddler but I have more or less come to accept that. DH and I sadly never go out together as a couple because we have no-one to babysit (no extended family) but we do try to ensure that we enable each other to pursue our hobbies individually.
We have found booking holidays (hotel room) will be trickier but may well revert back to camping next year (our tent is palatial if a little cold an night) but the dds have always enjoyed it or I guess the other option is a villa which I will soon explore.
I try to make sure I have 1-1 time with dd1 (next week we are going to the theatre together). I will need to factor that in for dd2 shortly.
I am determined that dd2 will pursue her extra curriculum activities to the best of my ability (one activity is being curtailed by my pregnancy/her tiredness currently).
DH and I pull together well as a team. We don't have much of a social life but we can live without that and we have enough money to go out for a meal as a family occasionally.
Although we have enough money to clothe all three children, I seem to have loads of potential hand me down clothes of good quality including some school uniform and it is satisfying to see it being recycled.
With the age gap I have I find my dd's hardly ever compete between themselves.
I was one of three - 18 month age gap between and db1 - we fought like cat and dog, it was hell but I think it was exasperated by my parents parenting ability. Db2 is 5 years younger and our relationship was much better (though didn't have much in common etc.) Unfortunately, I don't have a close relationship with either of my brothers now - you just don't know how life is going to turn out and there will always be pros and cons with every dynamic.
Feeling privileged at having the opportunity to become a mum again at my grand old age and keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out O.K...watching this thread with interest.

Wow, sorry for epic post!

Watching this as i have two:

One is 23months
The other is 13 weeks
It is HELLA tough but we deffo want more.
Whether we have DC3 promptly or wait a while after DC2 is a matter pressing on my mind heavily at present as I too have medical and age considerations to think carefully about.

Basically OP I could’ve written your post

Epic is good user! It gives the full picturd :)

You'll get through this legend :) I've always also seen myself with 3 or 4, this is the first time I've ever had any doubt.

I have three and not a day goes by that I don't regret it. 3 boys (8, 10,13) all with some degree of dyslexia, all need extra help and support. I work full time as does DH and I often feel that I am losing my mind - constant worry for their future, constant feeling that I am not doing a good enough job.

Realastically I should have stuck at 1. I am from a small family and I am just not suited to the general noise, squabbling and fighting that seems to last from the minute they get up until the minute they go to bed.

Probably not what you wanted to hear. I really do love them all and DS3 is bloody gorgeous, but I'd be able to offer so much more if there was less of them.

for you Unnoticed. Such an honest post.

DD2 has some issues that weren't apparent until after ds was born, and ds is now presenting with the same. They're quite minor, but a worry and time consuming all the same. I foolishly never considered anything like that when I had just one child with no additional needs

I have 2.5 years between first two and 2 years between next kids. Tbh it's been really hard. My kids are hyperactive and many broken bones. Poor dc2 got bit overlooked imo as a toddler. It's hard to split time three ways and spent lots of time sleep deprived . Honestly didn't enjoy them until youngest started school this year and got a bit a of break.

Eldest dc tends to get left put as younger two have more in common and like the same things.

It's hard going put on a family day as one of you always has to have two kids.

I'm starting to enjoy them now they are all prime age but I do feel they missed out on the best of me as I was fire fighting todddlerdom

And we had pictured 4 kids but turned out 3 was whole world of crazy

Me neither Annabelle and we had no idea about DS1 and 2 until DS3 was about 18 months or so.

Everything takes so much longer - I've seen my friends children whizz through homework in 15 mins where we are sobbing after an hour. Having said that DS1 cooked tea tonight and DS2 is pouring me a gin and rose lemonade so there are definitely some positives!

Personally I'd stick with two (and in fact, did) because I have a particularly gloom and doom vision of the future. I'd like to leave my children with financial security to cope in a world of dwindling resources.

We stuck at 2 (am one of 3 thought I would have 3).

Very happy with our choice. Same sex, 2 year age gap. We can do lots with them and have family adventures together that we couldn't with a toddler (eat out, travel, horse riding altogether etc). Proper quality time with them, resources for their activities. No worries re university. They get on really well.

Also we environmentally aware and I would have felt guilty having 3. My family growing up was lovely but realistically my sister was always left out it has affected her.

I am one of three and we all hated each other growing up and generally still do. We fought non stop and just don't have compatible personalities at all. It makes my parents very sad but I can't help it - I don't like my siblings at all.

It's also worth considering that if TTCing urgently is an issue due to age then there's also an increased risk of having a child with disabilities. My child has mild disabilities and even then you really cannot underestimate how it completely changes a family. Everything seems to revolve around that child and their needs at times and it's very hard on the other children.

I have two and I feel like it's a perfect family. They get on beautifully - hooray! But that really is down to personality not number. I feel very lucky. I do miss being pregnant and having a baby or a cute little toddler very much at times and feel very sad I'll never do that again - but that's totally not the same thing as wanting to have another child.