to ask MN if we should have a 3rd dc?!!.............................................can we have an honest conversation about moving from 2 dc to 3?

[mammyoftwo]

They say you know when you're ready. They say you know when the time is right. They say your body will tell me. BUT I don't know if I/we're ready. I/we don't know if the time is right. The only thing my body is telling me is TICK TOCK!!!!

So here's the deal......
Dh and I have 2 dc (two year age gap) of the same sex and gender. That is not in any way an "issue" or consideration; if we did have a third dc it would be to have another dc, rather than have a child of the opposite sex.

Originally when we got together, we always dreamed/planned of 3-4 children, leaning towards 4. However, owing to medical issues (I'll not bore you with the details, as it's a done deal and won't change) if we decide to "go again" we really only can have one more pregnancy and child (assuming it's not twins).

I've always been adamant I wanted a "bigger" (subjective, I know) family. However, it's only recently I've begun to waver. Suddenly two feels "easier" or more manageable. Looking to the future, it would mean

• not changing cars
• not moving house (if we had a third, two children would have to share a room, or we'd need to move for them to have a room each. There is a "play room", but I'd be reluctant to give this up to a bedroom, as it would leave us no social spaces outside of the living room and the kitchen).
• holidays would be easier to book (e.g. smaller, cheaper apartment/room etc)
• so many packages, tickets for things are for a "family of four"
• my sanity. I feel like I've barely scraped through 2017 intact (dc are 3 and 1, and VERY ACTIVE!!!!!)

Owing to my age, if we were to try for another child, it really need to start now. I don't have time to mess about, as I would be a "geriatric mother". I feel under pressure to decide, don't want to rush it, but don't feel I've time to wait any longer.

So my questions to you, the MN collective are:

1. What do I do???? Head (stick at two) or heart (go for a third)
2. Are my reasons for possibly sticking at two logical/materialistic/realistic/not important??? What would you base the decision on?
3. What have your experiences of moving from two to three been? Do you regret it? Was it harder/easier than you expected? What were the practical implications?

Hoping for some pearls of wisdom! Thanks in advance MN :)

Haven't read the full thread as am in a bit of a rush this morning but wanted to reply before I forgot. (I'll come back and read the other responses later - I promise!)

I, like you, always wanted a big family - 3 or 4 DC but preferring the idea of 4. DH wanted 3 so we were fairly evenly matched. After 2 DH felt settled and was happy to stop at 2. I didn't feel like our family was complete. In the end we agreed to try for one more and we had twins, so went from 2-4. The DTs are now 7 and our eldest is 13 so we are well used to being a bigger family now.

Here's what I'd say...

• I KNOW I wouldn't have been happy/settled with 2.
• I NEVER felt broody until after I was well and truly done (probably about a year or two after the DTs were born)
• Despite feeling broody for the first time in my life - it didn't actually make me want anymore - with 4 I feel (and have always felt) that our family is complete.
• 2 is the norm where we live. 3 is considered a big and busy family - 4 is just chaos. (so say other people - not us)
• As 2 is the norm I can see very clearly that life is much easier for friends with 2 than for friends with 3, or for us. Going out for meals, planning holidays, nights away, getting babysitters, school commitments etc - all much harder and much more expensive with more than 2.
• People are less inclined to invite you to their home if you have more than 2 - the amount of people who invite us for a meal but want to meet in a restaurant rather than their home, or who just never invite us, when we regularly invite them and they regularly invite others is a heck of a lot more than the very few people who do invite us to their homes. We have veentold more times than I can count that people would love to have us over but they don't have a table that seats 10 so it's easier if we eat out. (Or something along those lines)
• My DC bicker like every other set of siblings in the world, but they also get on very well with each other and provide company for one another - they are never lonely.
• Family holidays, while more expensive and harder to organise, are also never dull - there's always someone to make light of things, or provide amusement if others are flagging/bickering.
• While I don't expect my DC to necessarily be close when they are older (DH and I are not particularly close to our 7 siblings - mainly because we live at least 600miles from the nearest one), it's nice to know they will always be around for each other and will (hopefully) provide cousins for each others' kids when they are older.
• We had to buy a bigger car, but I don't think we'd have needed to if we'd only had 3 - it was having twins that necessitated that purchase.

I have 4 op and all I can say is our family didn't feel done until DD3 (no 4) arrived. There is just under 2 years between each of mine. They are now almost 20 18 16 and 14..

I love it. Teenage years have been my absolute favourite. When they were young and small and in need of you all the time it was so hard work and I recall a few times being in tears from exhaustion (not aided by a dh who traveled a lot so I was often alone with them) However it was also great fun and they have formed a close tight knit bond between the 4 of them.

DS (age 16 no 3) often as a younger child commented on how he wished he had a brother, however now he enjoys having the 3 sisters.. He is incredibly over protective of DD3 to the extend I think it was a good thing for her personally that we didn't send them to the same secondary school. She got a bit of distance (their schools are 1 mile apart and she still moans everyone knows her brother - who plays rugby and is well known in all of the cluster of schools)

DD1 and 2 are very close but you can also split them all up and find other combinations.. like DD1 and DS or DD2 and 3 (who have become very close afterdd1 went to uni)

When they were smaller I so often had people say to me " just you wait til they are teenagers it will be horrible" However frankly I found those early years of having 3 (and later 4) who were so dependent on you needing you there much harder than a few teenage hormones. Like today I have been down with this Australian flu and still not all that well. Suddenly a pot of tea arrives as DD1 (who is home for the weekend) wanted tea and figured that as she wanted some I likely would want some too.

I wont tell you it wont be tough going to begin with as frankly it will with very small age gaps. However it is also truly rewarding and amazing. You can argue all sort of financial stuff but really it comes down to one question

Do you feel your family is complete?

I had always originally wanted 3 but we stuck at 2 in the end. We also have 2 of the same sex. Reasons were a lot the same as yours, financial, practical and mainly your last one re sanity! My sanity is hanging by a thread as it is, I really don’t know how my mental health would have coped with 3.

No regrets and any hankering for a third has long, long gone. I’d be devastated if I was to get pregnant again in fact.

Of course if we’d really wanted a third then we’d have gone for it and I am sure would have had no regrets and loved the new little person with all our hearts but it was ultimately a head v heart decision here and very glad we stuck at 2.

Just to add something about one on one time, now that we have 3 I actually think we have more quality one on one time than when we had 2 as we make a conscious effort for it. When we had 2 they fitted as a nice little pair and we often split up as one of us would be having a break and one with the 2 kids. Now we often split as a 2 and 1 (different combinations) so when 2 are together the other one is having quality time. It means we don't get a break much, but quality time with one feels like a break as it is great!
The same goes for grandparents, they are much keener to take one off our hands and they get time one on one than when we had 2 as they didn't want to have both and it would seem unfair if they took one and left one out. We are much more likely to take one on a special treat now as the other two are in the same boat and have each other so it seems less unfair.

My three are now 24, 19 and 14. Three kids, best thing ever. The youngest (dd with two older brothers) was totally unplanned, I cried for four days when I found out I was pregnant. DH said "2 kids, 3 kids, whatever". I cannot even start to explain the impact of dd on our lives, she was the easiest baby ever and still wakes up every morning with a smile on her face and tells me that she loves me. Her brothers adore her and I still have a youngster at home now my eldest has moved out and the middle one is starting Uni. Go for it!

I'm really thinking hard about this at the minute! We always wanted 3. Dd1 was first although she was preemie, then we thought we'd hit the jackpot with my second pregnancy when she was 2 as we were having twins but unfortunately we lost them in the second trimester. Later we had dd2 but a difficult pregnancy and it was clear dd1 had some SN. I don't feel done but I don't know what's for the best we could cope but I worry dd2 wouldn't get enough 1-1 time she's my shadow and I don't want her to feel pushed out any more than she is with dd1 needing extra help with school work etc. Both girls are keen for a baby brother or sister and DH who had until recently said best stick with the 2 now wants to go again

No

We have 3 and obviously adore DC3, we all do. We don't regret having 3 for a second. He is a joy. In fact DC3 was our easiest baby and the first year/2 years flew, partly because I was so busy with the older 2.

But being completely honest, it is hard - very, very hard. Mine are very well behaved but it's still noisy and chaotic. 2 was just so much calmer. I don't remember feeling so drained, it was just so much more manageable. As mentioned already, we had offers of babysitting from our families when there were just 2, now I can't imagine asking anyone to mind 3.

From a physical and practical point of view, each child has 2 uniforms, swimming gear, etc, which means several wash loads of just their sports gear every few days, same with trainers, football boots, school shoes. It feels like we are drowning in clutter, even with the best storage cabinets etc. Then you have swimming lessons, speech & language therapies (something that never crossed my mind when ttc), illness, piano, parent teacher meetings, birthday parties, exam stress, bullying, dental check ups, the list is just endless.
I find it harder rather than easier the older they get. It becomes more emotionally and mentally exhausting when they're in school and you feel yourself pulled in all directions.
The worry never ends.
I think you would want a very strong marriage because an extra child puts so much pressure on your relationship.

I haven't even mentioned the cost!

If someone with 2 asked me if they should have a 3rd, I would probably tell them to stick with 2

I always said I wanted more than two, but as time went by we didn't have anymore and things crop up like unexpected money expenses but then fell pregnant after 10 years and it's been great, really like having 3, you just adjust.

As a child in a large family by the time I was a teenager I quite often resented the number of siblings, due to lack of money, not being able to do stuff because of the baby/ toddler whatever. My mum has often said it would have been more sensible to stick at 2...
However as an adult I love love love my family and siblings. It’s great for my mum and dad as there is always someone for them to chat to , it’s lovely for my kids.
Sometimes I wish I’d had more

OP, I don’t think at any point you have posted your age. It’s relevant to the decision making. You say you’d be geriatric mum if you waited. Plenty of women have babies through choice well into their forties now. Possibly not ideal but also you say your sanity is already stretched thin.

If at all possible I would delay ttc until your dc are a little older. Potentially quite a bit older if you can. Otherwise if you are keen to go ahead I would prioritise buying in help over moving house or buying other expensive items. An extra pair of hands at teatime, cleaning help and a few hours of peace would make it a much easier transition.

I also have a 1 and 3 year old. I am happy to stick with 2 though in the past I considered having a third. I saw some mums with newborns when I was out yesterday and was just so relieved that part is over. I like my family dynamic how it is and look forward to things being much easier and more manageable in a couple of years.

matilda I'm 36 but ALWAYS said I wanted my childbearing finished by 35, additionally medical scenario is only one more section

Love the suggestion of buying in help over moving house

Don't have babysitters anyway (family too far away) so a third wouldn't change that.

Saw a newborn today and had a cuddle, couldn't resist! There is something about your youngest starting to walk that makes you realise they're not a newborn anymore!

Dc1 and 2 both bf well, slept through the night well and eat everything (I just mean the newborn stage doesn't scare me. But baby and/or mother potential health issues do, hence the sense of urgency and fixation on my age).

Hope that fills in some gaps!

I’ve only skim read this thread so apologies if this has already been said.

I went through a similar thing about 6 years ago and I remember someone saying to me ‘ you’ll never regret having a baby, but you might look back and regret NOT having one’. That was like waving a green flag and just under a year later, my third little one came along.

Wouldn’t change it for a second. Yes holidays can be tricky (but holidaylettings.com has helped). It is a bit more expensive at times but we always knew that. I’m so glad we had him.

Having 3 children is unusual and if you feel happy as you are, then embrace your family as it is and appreciate the stage in life you are.

Depends where you are. I’m surrounded by families of three. I’m CONSTANTLY asked if I will “go again”. We have 2 and ttc#3

‘you’ll never regret having a baby, but you might look back and regret NOT having one’

I can't tell you how much I hate that phrase. And its also bollocks. People can and do regret having babies all the time, for all sorts of reasons.

I actually agree with you to a point... but I don’t think you would regret having one if you were already thinking about it.... whereas in 10 years time, it’s possible the OP may regret NOT going through with it.

For those that have three, what was the biggest change that you DIDN'T EXPECT in advance?

Health issues were our biggest change not expected - DD3 was seriously ill as a toddler - thankful we got through it and still have her. Meanwhile DD1 was diagnosed with a genetic problem after DD was born - some worry about the other two short term, but they are not affected. DD1 has SN but things could be a lot worse.

Would I change if I had known all that - no. I love having 3. We deal with what life brings and I am grateful that nothing worse happened.

I'm one of two. I really wanted three dc. We weren't even sure that we would have one but managed it twice, it turns out I'm not very good at being pregnant, all the bad symptoms, traumatic labour, both babies in nicu etc. Dc are amazing, beautiful and just the best thing I have ever done in my life without compare but I've never felt like I was done, like the family was complete, I do still feel like there is someone missing and if something happened to one, the other wouldn't be left alone but all the practical stuff, my age and the fact that dh found both pregnancies so traumatic, he has said that he couldn't handle it so I agreed to be happy with the amazing family that we have already created and give them the best that we can... Dh had the snip, I'm over 40 dc are 5 and 3 and my db just died suddenly, leaving me alone. I know I'm not alone but it feels lonely not having a sibling anymore, we have an aging relative that we were caring for together, I'm not sure how to do that on my own, not just the physical time and practicalities but the decision making, important decisions and although it sounds insane to think about adding more to the chaos but I'm really regretting not having had a 3rd child.

Sounds like you're going through a lot seaside

Really interesting to hear the perspective of someone who is one of two, anyone else have similar/different experiences?

We have three boys, aged 14, 11 and 10. When DS1 was about 2, I started to think about baby #2 and as soon as I had DS2, I knew that my work here wasn't done! As previous posters have said, I found adjusting to two much easier and I can distinctly remember bringing DS3 home and OH and I looking at each other smugly and commenting how much easier it all was third time around! You know how you feel and what your priorities are.

We don't live in a massive house and my youngest two share. They get on pretty well most of the time, with the occasional spat! We haven't upgraded to a people carrier and we manage just fine. I love living in a household that is always busy and full of life. It is so quiet when even one of them isn't around. For us, completing the triad was a great decision and there still are, occasional and infrequent, moments when I think about a fourth so it can't have been that bad (NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN).

The challenges change as they get older but I do think it gets easier. Our boys are totally different characters and they aren't always interested in the same thing at the same time but they get on really well. DS2 has just gone up to secondary school and DS1 has been keeping an eye out for him and has made us very proud with his big bro antics. Whatever you decide, you will make it work.

I’d be bored with two, it’s far to easy and I’d have felt unfulfilled as a mother. When one of our 3 is off somewhere else it feels like there’s a huge void in the house/family! I’d happily have more tbh. I don’t even find it all that much more expensive. We don’t agree that expenses such as driving lessons, uni fees etc should be expected - they are something we’ll help with if need be, but as children of parents more than able to financially, we funded these things ourselves and aren’t worse off for it.

Our 3 dd are now 5, 3 and almost 1. I didn't feel 'done' after 2, whereas I am now absolutely certain our family is complete - so I think you know when you know. Dd3 is a joy and I can't imagine life without her, but it has been so much harder than I anticipated. People give you a lot of chat about #3 "just slotting in", but our #3 has been the trickiest baby by miles. Her sisters (in hindsight) were extremely straightforward, but she has had so many issues with reflux and allergies, and her sleep is still awful (as I type this at 2:40am) - this was a huge shock as I was quite complacent about having a newborn again, and it's so much harder with two older ones and a school and nursery run to tackle every morning after little sleep. But this will pass..

Apart from that, in terms of expense, I think our main issue (apart from the new car) is that we're down to one salary for the next couple of years, as nursery fees for two (plus school wraparound) would cancel.out anything I earned. It's going to be tight, but manageable.

What I've struggled with most is probably the general chaos and feeling that we're just hanging by a thread all the time. We are constantly rushing out the door- it takes an eternity to get everyone ready and out, and I never ever get on top of the mess in the house. It's only in the last month or so that I've started to accept that I just can't make it any other way for now - we're both stretched in all directions (no family nearby), and it will pass too.

However, I love our little gang of 3, and the greatest joy has been seeing how the older 2 love the baby, and how she is desperate to run on with them in their games. It's not perfect, but I really wouldn't have it any other way. Good luck!

The most unexpected thing for me was other people's reactions. I am one of 5 and growing up families with 3 children were very normal. I also come from a place and a family where everyone was welcome in your home (and still is) - people would just knock on the door, none of this planning weeks in advance, and you'd turn up off the train after school with an extra friend for dinner and your mum wouldn't bat an eyelid. We (and most of the people around us) would regularly have another family for dinner, or extra kids and no-one thought anything odd about that.

When I was pregnant with my twins I got all sorts of comments and I put it down to having twins and going from 2-4 rather than just 2-3, but I didn't expect some of the really nasty comments and I didn't expect it to still continue after they were born. People aren't nasty, but we definitely aren't included in things the way other families are, and we don't get invited or much because people think we're too big and there's too many of us. I think for families with 1 or 2 kids they are genuinely overwhelmed at the idea of an extra 6 people for dinner, and extra 4 kids in the house. I didn't expect that at all. For me it's just normal to have lots of people around and to welcome everyone, but we haven't had that experience at all since the DTs were born.