to ask MN if we should have a 3rd dc?!!.............................................can we have an honest conversation about moving from 2 dc to 3?

[mammyoftwo]

They say you know when you're ready. They say you know when the time is right. They say your body will tell me. BUT I don't know if I/we're ready. I/we don't know if the time is right. The only thing my body is telling me is TICK TOCK!!!!

So here's the deal......
Dh and I have 2 dc (two year age gap) of the same sex and gender. That is not in any way an "issue" or consideration; if we did have a third dc it would be to have another dc, rather than have a child of the opposite sex.

Originally when we got together, we always dreamed/planned of 3-4 children, leaning towards 4. However, owing to medical issues (I'll not bore you with the details, as it's a done deal and won't change) if we decide to "go again" we really only can have one more pregnancy and child (assuming it's not twins).

I've always been adamant I wanted a "bigger" (subjective, I know) family. However, it's only recently I've begun to waver. Suddenly two feels "easier" or more manageable. Looking to the future, it would mean

• not changing cars
• not moving house (if we had a third, two children would have to share a room, or we'd need to move for them to have a room each. There is a "play room", but I'd be reluctant to give this up to a bedroom, as it would leave us no social spaces outside of the living room and the kitchen).
• holidays would be easier to book (e.g. smaller, cheaper apartment/room etc)
• so many packages, tickets for things are for a "family of four"
• my sanity. I feel like I've barely scraped through 2017 intact (dc are 3 and 1, and VERY ACTIVE!!!!!)

Owing to my age, if we were to try for another child, it really need to start now. I don't have time to mess about, as I would be a "geriatric mother". I feel under pressure to decide, don't want to rush it, but don't feel I've time to wait any longer.

So my questions to you, the MN collective are:

1. What do I do???? Head (stick at two) or heart (go for a third)
2. Are my reasons for possibly sticking at two logical/materialistic/realistic/not important??? What would you base the decision on?
3. What have your experiences of moving from two to three been? Do you regret it? Was it harder/easier than you expected? What were the practical implications?

Hoping for some pearls of wisdom! Thanks in advance MN :)

@mammyoftwo and the food!! Oh my days! I don't know if my kids are just hollow in them middle but I find myself buying boxes of weetabix and working out how many days it will last (not many)
We buy 12 pints of milk twice a week and I can't wear to out where it goes. 😱

JennyLane "less.....just less" .......this is fantastic.....rofl

anyone with older children able to offer hope an insight into when this will happen??!!!

3 is awesome!! I have 6, 4 and 2 and absolutely love it, it's just the right level of crazy without being chaos. I'm so much more chilled with DC3, whenever one DC is off doing something the other two have each other to play with. We manage one of one time fine, you just have to plan it a bit more.
I agree with pp that someone was missing before DC3 arrived and now the gang's all here

Oh and as for feeling jealous of people with 2, nope, I secretly feel sorry for them that they don't have 3

In all honesty I think the biggest leap is from 2 to 3, and I have 5! Cars, family meals/tickets, holidays etc are all geared for 2 dc. Childcare is crazy expensive for 3 as well. It probably colours my judgement a bit that my dc3 was my most difficult, she cried all the time. I know other people who's 3rd baby was a dream though.

If you are so unsure you have to ask Mumsnet then the answer is no no no. This is a human being we’re talking about, not the result of an online survey.

In any case think of the planet - if every couple had 3 children imagine what the world’s population would be. Imo no-one should do any more than replace themselves.

We have 3, 5yo ds 2yo ds and 9 months dd. We were always going to stop at 2 but something inside me didn't feel finished. I. love having the 3 and it doesn't feel like a chore, the boys dote on their sister and touch wood, so far they all get solo time with us. Emotionally it was a great decision but logistically it is terrible. We had to buy a bigger car, the boys share a room and keep each other awake (this will change when i go back from maternity and we can get a bigger home) holidays seem more difficult, just booking our first as 5 and it is is that much harder to find somewhere to accommodate 5.

All being said, i think life would be easier with 2 but my heart would still wish for number 3.

Mine are now 22, 19, 18. They are all adults but not yet fully grown up. Oldest is at university. Youngest will be going later in the year. I am privately hoping and praying that oldest decides to graduate this year and get a job as DH and I will be on bread and skilly to afford 2 at university.

Three is lots. Lots of noise, lots of laundry, lots of different needs, wants, interests, opinions, food.

We never fit anywhere. Visiting family I always felt like we were an invasion force.

A couple of years ago DH and I thought we'd be considering downsizing in a year or two. No chance!

I wouldn't change it for the world but I wouldn't say to anyone that it's a good idea.

OP you have made a few fairly lengthy posts and have listed clearly the practical challenges. For me it appears that I don't think anywhere you have said that right now you feel as though you actually want another child. You mention wanting 3 or 4 when starting out, but it's perfectly ok if your feelings have changed since then. Don't feel any sense of obligation to the vision you used to have, if your present feelings have changed.

For what it's worth, I've had similar conversations in recent times and started from a similar point with a rough idea of 3 as a preference. Like you, I have two same-sex of similar ages. I actually never had a preference for sex but I did want my first two to be the same sex, whatever that would be. I've never seen the "ideal" as one of each, like many people appear to. If I did have a third, is probably prefer the same sex again.

One of my friends with 3 said she has found most challenging the relationship dynamic between them. Like a previous poster said, with two children, there is only one sibling relationship with three, suddenly there are three separate relationships. I don't know whether it applies to families or not but I once worked in a place which had lots of fairly remote decentralised offices with small teams. There was a policy never to have a team of three - it was either two, or four, five, six etc. Apparebtly their experience showed that in such a set-up, a team of three would invariably become divided in a two-against-one dynamic! As I said, likely to be completely irrelevant to family situations but I found it interesting that my employer felt this strongly enough to implement a "no threes" policy!

Anyway, either way, best of luck with the decision making. I think you need to be really clear first on the wants, look at these almost regardless of practical circumstances. Then if your want is definitely for a third, only at that point examine the practical cons and see can they realistically be overcome or accommodated or tolerated.

Only have another dc if you think you will still be able to be the parent you want to be. If you feel it would be too overwhelming for you, then don’t. Don’t let your hormones trick you into doing something that isn’t right for your family. What if it was twins, a child with additional needs, or just a really really demanding active shit sleeper? Obviously people have to ‘cope’ with what they are given, but really think about how that would change your family dynamics/sanity/enjoyment of family life.

We’d always wanted 2, had 2; boy and girl and total love between them.

Someone was missing.....no other way to describe it. Had Dd2. (3 in under 4 1/2 yrs, so just over 2 yr gap with each) Hideous first yr....dd1 hated dd2 and it’s just sheer hard work.
Got steadily better over time and I love having 3 and not two....it didn’t feel right then as it was just too perfect/easy somehow.
Many years later they’re all teenagers and I LOVE having 3. You’re right though as nothing is set up for families of 5 or more.

I'm 4 months with #2, a girl, and already have DS who is 3. It's very unlikely we'll have a third - I thought I might end up having 3 but having had 1 I think 2 will be enough, for a variety of reasons. Practical: the house, cars etc are OK for 2 but would be too small for 3. Selfish: we could afford a third but things like long haul travel start to become very $$ plus a logistical nightmare. Career: DH and I both have demanding careers - I think we'll manage with 2 but with 3 something's got give and it's usually the woman's career 🙄

I don't handle chaos very well and I value time to myself (hollow laughter) which is scarce enough with 1 child, let alone 3.

I'm one of 3 and it wasn't ideal - my younger brother often felt left out from me and my older sister, and I often felt overlooked by my parents - typical middle child syndrome!

The problems you have discussed that are holding you back mostly relate to whilst your dc are living at home. Once they have all moved out and have their own families would you regret not having that 3rd child?

I am pregnant with no3.
All the arguments for sticking with 2 always seemed invalid for me, as both dh and I are one of 4, and had very happy childhoods.
We always wanted our kids to have siblings, not just one sibling. Sll tje money and practicality considerations, to us, are just life. How else would we spend our money? If we wanted fast cars and easy holidays we would have had no kids!
As for 1-1 time with a parent. I never missed this as a child. As an older child I often craved more time completely alone, but not at the expense of life with my wonderful siblings.

Also we have 3 dc but that includes twins so didn't have much choice in the matter it's great !

We have three - no regrets & I would do it all again.

A few things from our experience.

I always thought I would have two children, close in age, same gender (which I had) but after ds2, I had the strong sense of someone being missing. We held off for a few years because that was Not The Plan, but that feeling never left me.

Ds3 lacked friends of his own age because most of our friends had kids the ages of our first two and stopped at two.

Expect people to be tactless. When ds3 was about 18 months old, I took him to a soft play party with ds2 and his friends (he was invited, the party child’s mum was his godmother). I spent the whole party climbing round after him while everyone else sat and drank coffee. No problem, I had expected to. At the end of the party, someone said to me ‘we were watching you run round after ds3 and saying how glad we all were we stopped at 2.’ That stung a bit. Also lots of random people telling me they felt sorry for me and asking me if I’d hoped for a girl.

It is hard work. It is chaos some days. Who gets on with who changes all the time. I often feel like one of them gets short changed (usually the same one - I’ve just taken up running again and nominated him as my running buddy).

It’s also lovely. Ds3 has a tough day the other day and his big brothers asked him if he wanted to watch a film and then book ended him on the sofa to watch the film under a blanket.

Oh and it’s true that the world is set up for 2 adults & 2 children. But we like camping & I don’t mind driving an MPV, so that doesn’t bother me. When ds3 was under 2 we could all share a room in premier inn or wherever. Then we’ve had a long period of one adult & 2 children in one room, one adult & the other child in another room. That has been a bit trying. I think next time ds1&2 could share & ds3 can come in with us. The much mentioned rooms with connecting doors are very hard to come by....we’ve never managed it!

Really helpful info, thank you.
Thank you for your observations sycmore, helpful to get that. People in RL tend to say what they think you want to hear, so it's great to get more honest feedback.

if you have 2 healthy children and all is well, I'd just stick with what I have. I really don't understand the 'need' for another child.

As a parent of 2 children with SN (non was diagnosed prenatally), I would also consider the impact of a child with additional needs on you and the rest of the family. I know there is an awful lot of antenatal screening available these days but the majority of conditions are not detected.

If it ain't broke, it needs no fixing. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I have 2 DCs, I had always wanted 3 but going from one to two was a huge shock to the system!

I will now stick to two, my heart would love another pregnancy, another teeny baby etc. but my wants for another child would be selfish. At present (with two) I am able to spend time individually with both on their particular interests (boy/girl/different ages), everything is cheaper with two (food, hobbies, uniforms), they can each have their own bedroom and their own "space" and I just feel that if I introduced another ultimatley I'd have less time and support to give to each individual child.

I'd also say (especially if age is a consideration) that people don't often consider the possibility of the 3rd child having disabilities or special needs and if you are barely coping with two a 3rd is more of a gamble.

missada cross-posted with you so have largely repeated what you said!

I agree hugely with you though, 2nd DC has a genetic disorder that was not discovered or expected in pregnancy and if that had been my third child my ability to cope with that would have been much much less and I'm not sure how we'd have fitted treatments into an already busy schedule.

I found going from 1 to 2 the biggest change tbh. One child was very easy in terms of life carrying on pretty much as normal: if you want to do something ‘grown up’ the other parent just has one child to look after, and also childcare costs were manageable so it felt financially worthwhile
Working.

Two seemed a lot more work and suddenly my salary was nearly all swallowed up as childcare doubled- Though i kept working as I was determined to keep my career going.

We then had a third (which financially might seem mad as for about a year we were less well off financially than if I’d been at home.) but we wanted 3, Always did.

One thing- if you’re going for 3, do it now while you’ve got small age gaps and your children will grow through each stage together. It’s hard work but I’m convinced it’s much easier in the long run than having a ‘later’ third. We have a couple of friends who had a late one and tbh it was tricky for them when we did things as a group.... going for a day at the beach or a winter walk when most of the kids were around 8-11 ish is hard if you have a baby or toddler who needs constant watching/ chasing, and no doubt it gets harder again, when you have a couple of teenagers and then a 7 or 8 year old with totally different needs and interests.

Having 3 has been perfect for us, but I think you have to totally know you both want that dynamic.

We didnt plant #3. We have #3 to prove that nothing in this life is 100% reliable (coil baby born practically clutching the bloody thing!).

Though we didnt plan to have three so much changed because we did. DH became SAHP. We moved house (original house too overcrowded with 5 of us in it). We moved abroad for a few years.

A PP mentioned how the group dynamic changes with 3. You are outnumbered as parents. Our lives were for many years a lot more child-centred than other, smaller, families we saw.

It is changing again now as the DCs are growing up and arent here all the time. For us 'calm' is having only 2 DCs in the house!

Once they have all moved out and have their own families would you regret not having that 3rd child?

They may not have the desire or ability to leave home though; not every child does.

OP, I would say no and from reading your posts it doesn’t seem your heart is in it. Having 3 children is unusual and if you feel happy as you are, then embrace your family as it is and appreciate the stage in life you are. I would not have 3 for the “middle child syndrome” alone, it’s a very real thing.

In my honest opinion having more than 2 children is selfish. No one needs to reproduce and the cost to the environment, and very often the tax payer, is very high.
Two children "replace" the parents, any more is self indulgent.