to ask MN if we should have a 3rd dc?!!.............................................can we have an honest conversation about moving from 2 dc to 3?

[mammyoftwo]

They say you know when you're ready. They say you know when the time is right. They say your body will tell me. BUT I don't know if I/we're ready. I/we don't know if the time is right. The only thing my body is telling me is TICK TOCK!!!!

So here's the deal......
Dh and I have 2 dc (two year age gap) of the same sex and gender. That is not in any way an "issue" or consideration; if we did have a third dc it would be to have another dc, rather than have a child of the opposite sex.

Originally when we got together, we always dreamed/planned of 3-4 children, leaning towards 4. However, owing to medical issues (I'll not bore you with the details, as it's a done deal and won't change) if we decide to "go again" we really only can have one more pregnancy and child (assuming it's not twins).

I've always been adamant I wanted a "bigger" (subjective, I know) family. However, it's only recently I've begun to waver. Suddenly two feels "easier" or more manageable. Looking to the future, it would mean

• not changing cars
• not moving house (if we had a third, two children would have to share a room, or we'd need to move for them to have a room each. There is a "play room", but I'd be reluctant to give this up to a bedroom, as it would leave us no social spaces outside of the living room and the kitchen).
• holidays would be easier to book (e.g. smaller, cheaper apartment/room etc)
• so many packages, tickets for things are for a "family of four"
• my sanity. I feel like I've barely scraped through 2017 intact (dc are 3 and 1, and VERY ACTIVE!!!!!)

Owing to my age, if we were to try for another child, it really need to start now. I don't have time to mess about, as I would be a "geriatric mother". I feel under pressure to decide, don't want to rush it, but don't feel I've time to wait any longer.

So my questions to you, the MN collective are:

1. What do I do???? Head (stick at two) or heart (go for a third)
2. Are my reasons for possibly sticking at two logical/materialistic/realistic/not important??? What would you base the decision on?
3. What have your experiences of moving from two to three been? Do you regret it? Was it harder/easier than you expected? What were the practical implications?

Hoping for some pearls of wisdom! Thanks in advance MN :)

I was in your shoes 2 years ago. I have 16 years old twins from my previous marriage. After my divorce 4 years ago, I met my 2nd husband who was never married and had no children. Due to my full time career and thinking of costs, I made it clear from the beginning that I won't have anymore children. Well a year ago after thinking hard and my husband being a wonderful step dad, I decided to stop Contraception and try for a baby but had no hopes whatsoever as have had a long-standing fertility problems and even the twins were IVF babies.
Cut the story short a miracle happened and I got pregnant 3 months later. Now I have a beautiful 4 months old baby boy and I think he is one the most beautiful things that has happened in my life. I don't regret my decision and I'm very grateful to God for giving me another chance in motherhood. I wish you best of luck and hope you would be able to make the right decision for yourself and your family.

Go for it. DC3 is the icing on the cake. It's a fab dynamic and you are already in the busy years. No regrets, at all, ever.

I say stick with two. I have two and wouldn't have even considered having more.

For those with three, do you find one always ends up being left out (eg games needing even number of players, two having more in common than the other)?? Also, practically, how do you divide time so each can get some 1-1 time with a parent? Is this even achievable?

I sometimes worry if we only had 2 dc, and one died, the other would be left an only child (I know two people this happened to, it was incredibly sad), their future children would have no aunts/uncles/cousins etc

Yes yes yes! No 3 was unplanned for us. We fought so hard for 2, and then the reality of having 2 was so much more than we imagined. We had only just got to grips with 2 when VOOM! 3.
Do it! Best thing ever.

We have 3, aged 5, 3 and 1.5. And in all honesty, number 3 has destroyed us...

There are so many variables that nobody can really advise you. Follow your heart!

Number 3 has been the hardest baby of them all, she's really loud, screamy, demanding, aggresive and still crap at sleep. We are exhausted beyond comprehension, we do very little outside existing on a day to day basis. She's pretty much broken us and God knows what we would be like if I wasn't a sahp and taking the brunt of it. Shes bright as a button and been on the move super early which has made it tougher. We love her though... little terror!

You seem to have thought through the practical side of things (we didn't properly), but just be aware that because your outnumbered and with very small kids (not the same if big age gap) that even day to day tasks become huge. Life is not geared towards having more than 2 small children. There is loads I just can't do without another adult present, for all our safety.

This too shall pass... when she's fully talking and we're rid of the buggy and all baby paraphernalia it will be fine. The baby years with 3 are seriously tough, I've aged at least 10 years but I reckon having a gang is great!

3 was perfect. Something ‘clicked’. I think it was that I was outnumbered so I became a lot more relaxed. The best thing is that with three, everyone has someone. I distinctly remember sitting still one afternoon, wondering how on Earth I managed this calm, quiet time. Baby was sleeping, the two boys were playing together.

Obviously I got cocky and went on and had a fourth. Four tips the balance. And I’m now a working, single parent. And they are almost all teenagers who need to be taken to football, dance comps, ‘can I have a tenner’, have GCSEs, don’t forget your trumpet, sign this, do that, ‘need money Mum’, feed them each at different times (yet ‘there’s NEVER any food’🙄) etc etc and my life is crazy busy.

It’s everything I hoped it would be. 😄

We have three. Older now 14, 11 & 9. All the same sex but completely different and I adore it.

Yes we need a bigger car. Yes holidays aren't your bog standard 2 + 2 kids but you CAN do it.

Our two youngest share a room but we all love our tiny house and don't want to move.

I always wanted 4. Always. I always had it in my head we would have 4 girls. Medical issues wouldn't allow it and after 3 MC we realise we're so so blessed and enjoy every minute.

There is someone missing at our table tbut our gang of 3 are an (expensive) utter delight.

Good luck op with whatever you choose

As I'm reading through this, something has come to my mind that I've never thought of before: if we had a third it would be new to us both! and therefore, neither of us "would know what we're doing", the idea of being completely inexperienced and out of control! (Of my dh and I, one of us is one of two children, and one of us is one of four children ie we have no lived experience of being one of three children!!!)

I have three, neatly placed at two year intervals. I had a girl and a boy, and then another girl. Dd2 (dc3) was brain damaged at birth (probably due to the pressure on the cord) and has cerebral palsy. She spent a long time in scbu and the first two years (her siblings were 18 mos and almost 3 1/2 when she was born) were extremely hard. As a mother I had to deal not only with the guilt of having a disabled newborn, but also with the guilt of how much having a disabled sibling affected our other children.
It isn’t the kind of thing you can plan for. We had numerous appointments every week and I forgot dress-up days at nursery, birthday parties, etc etc.
She is an absolute superstar and is going to do something amazing with her life. I wouldn’t be without her, but having a third child itrevocably altered the course of four other lives.

My third is just over a year now. He has made our family and my life complete. I knew immediately after DD2 that I wasn't done and am so glad I went with my instinct. DH would have been happy with just two and when it's all a bit crazy I can see his mind whirring with that thought but I wouldn't change it for the world.
BUT no one in my or DHs wants to voluntarily babysit three or take them overnight to give you a break. So if that's part of your support network then just consider it might disappear. I can farm out one or two at a time maximum now.

Good luck OP.

Two to three was OK apart from some hotel rooms and nobody wanting three overnight. Luckily our nanny was happy to stay over.
Three to five was much harder! I would go for it and have never met anyone who says they regret their children. Our third was definitely our easiest.

That’s true, with three - and definitely four - you don’t get invited to as much, people (including GPS) don’t offer to have them. It is all encompassing. If you have family around, who will come to you to babysit, it’s easier.

We have 3 - I didn't feel done after 2 and was thrilled to have a 3rd. However, it is hard work. It is always noisy and chaotic and they all vie for my attention. There are times they play together beautifully and times when they all squabble. I think I would have always been a little bit sad if no3 hadn't come along but I do often feel drowned by all their needs

OP - are you me?! The only difference is we have the 7 seater as we needed a bigger car when DC2 was born & didn’t want to have to change again if DC3 came along.

I’m one of 3 (5 yrs between us, same gender) & whilst we did bicker we played together loads & were a gang. I originally wanted 4 as I ideally wanted to experience both sexes & think it’s nice to have a sibling of each sex but I will only be able to manage one more now.

Re sharing a room, I don’t think it’s a problem. Our family home had 6 bedrooms & we shared out of choice for years (swapping around).

2 is the sensible option plus I found it hard going from 1-2 but I don’t feel our family is complete. My 2 are the same sex & I do worry if DC3 is different they may feel left out.

I wanted a big family, 4 at least (I was an only child). Loved having babies but HATED pregnancy. No 1 was planned, no 2 was a (hapoy) accident. When we talked about no 3 I actually broke down in tears (in a restraint ) at the thought of being pregnant again. But I wanted a third, so we went for it.I ended up with 3 under 5, and although it was hard work, it was the best time of my life! But I did realise then that I was done. No number 4, not ever! Happy with the way it turned out.
3 is doable in a normal car once they don't need carseats. They entertain each other by fighting. Hotels are a problem, but my dad often comes on holiday with us too, so a villa has usually suited us better anyway

I just wanted to pop in as someone who was one-of-three. Someone posted in the first page about how that would mean we were all more likely to get along together so as not to be the 'odd one out' etc. I certainly have never seen that from us. One of us is/was frequently the odd one out, it depends what it is/was we were doing! I'm the eldest, DB is 2 years younger and then DSis is 2 years younger than DB. I'm 24. DB and I have a good relationship although I wouldn't say we are "close" but it's getting better as time goes on. DB and DSis still live at home and have a very strained relationship, and DSis and I likewise have a very strained relationship too - DSis is very, um, different to DB and I, but I do think a lot of that is to do with the different way in which she has been parented, being the 'baby' of the family. That is really biting my parents in the backside now as they are having to deal with her nightmarish teenage-like behaviour despite her being a working adult .

All three of us are very different and our own people, although DB and I are more alike out of the three of us I guess. I remember when DSis was born, I was so excited to have a sister, DB and I used to play games with her and carry her about when she was tiny, however I've never really had a positive relationship with her since then - the age gap was quite pronounced as I was always very mature for my age and her always very immature. As a child I have lots of memories of playing games with DB and we were very close when we were little, but no memories like that with DSis. I shared a bedroom with her until I was about 15 and I only have very many negative memories of that. I think things would have been better if we'd all had our own rooms before then but my parents didn't have the money for that.

DM also says we all used to fight a lot when we were very little. Like full on physical fights - I actually remember DB and DSis having full-on scuffles a lot. When I was about 6 DB hit me so badly with a piece of toddler-furniture that I still have a tiny scar! DM initially wanted 4 kids and DDad 5, but DM decided 3 was certainly enough, and now says she wished she had spaced us all out more as that way we wouldn't have fought all the time when we were children and perhaps would have had better relationships as adults, but who knows?

For those with three, do you find one always ends up being left out

No

Also, practically, how do you divide time so each can get some 1-1 time with a parent? Is this even achievable?

Of course it is.
Well, logically, if one parent takes on out somewhere (might only be the supermarket of the local tip, doesn't have to be a real 'treat') then there are two left behind who can play with each other, if you think about it, answering both these questions

I sometimes worry if we only had 2 dc, and one died, the other would be left an only child (I know two people this happened to, it was incredibly sad), their future children would have no aunts/uncles/cousins etc
Well yes. Not something anyone wants to think about, and, of course, no-one knows how siblings will get on later in life either, but I got tremendous strength from my siblings when my parents died. It also went through my mind when my sister died, that I was glad I wasn't alone, and I had my other siblings.

I would say simply this: do you have enough love for a third? If so, go ahead and you’ll find a way to cater for your lovely enlarged family. We had 4, all now grown up and flown the nest, but it was wonderful. Hard work and not without its worrying times, but it was wonderful. And now we have 4 lovely grown men.

Two is good. I have two, and the emotional energy required is huge. Outside of the material things. Think carefully OP

Reading with interest. I have 2dc and torn between having one more to complete the family or being happy with two.. I hate pregnancy and the newborn stage. (Both dc were a clingy sleepless neverending nightmare). Perhaps number 3 will be a dream) yeah f*cking right

DC1 has always expressed a desire for a big family and would absolutely adore another sibling. My worry is DC2 (5) suffering the Middle Child Syndrome. He already is very clingy at times, gets very jealous when DC1 gets attention or praise, (has finally stopped jealousy towards the pets), and wants to remain the 'baby' of the family. He hates the idea of having another sibling and DC3 may bring about more insecurities.

We have three and I love it. We tried for a fourth but it wasn't to be.

Our dc2 is disabled and very hard work, mentally and physically. We have had to change everything about our lives to make sure he is happy and safe, so having a baby didn't feel like such a big deal in some ways.

When I see my 3 boys playing with each other for hours on end, I feel so happy they have each other. I get a lot out of loving them and helping them grow up and having a third just adds to that feeling.

We have 3, the first 2 have a 17 month age gap then there is almost 4 years between 2 and 3.

I would definitely say do it, obviously it is more difficult logistically but 3 is a lovely number (although I still would like 4!)

We always wanted a big family. Had hoped to pop them out in quick succession, but ended up with 8, 5 and a newborn.

I was so looking forward to my 3rd baby arriving. We were in a great place financially, emotionally etc etc. I was going to treasure every minute. Bla bla bla.

My Lord, this third child has put my sanity to the absolute limit. Homework and after school activities are major issues. From first thing to last thing every day, I’m dealing with children. DH works away from home and I have to juggle the 3 of them on my own. It takes me forever to get them ready to go anywhere. Holidays are a nightmare - I’ve had to book two seperate family suites rather than one, just to accommodate a tiny baby in a travel cot!

Thankfully we already had a car and house big enough and the bond they have is incredible.

Honestly, I think it would have been easier if they were closer in age. The activities my eldest 2 want to do aren’t compatible with a toddler: cinema, rock climbing, theme parks etc. I often fantasise about how easy it would be if we stopped at two. As challenging as it is though, I’m glad I have 3. No way could I have any more though!

@mammyoftwo we had a similar age gap to you when we fell pregnant with dc 3.

I will not lie to you. The close age gap is hard. Now dc1 is 4, dc2 is 2 and dc3 is almost 1. The school run is hell. We have two kids still of napping age and it always interferes with one of their naps meaning someone is a grump all day (not just me)

I also find dc 1 and 2 are at a lovely antagonistic stage where every time together within two minutes it's screaming, crying or whining at some perceived injustice.

That being said, both dc 1 and 2 ADORE dc 3 and love spending time with her

We have not had a holiday in two years and have no intention of doing so again till they're older and less.... I don't know what... just less 😂