Better looking children are easier to forgive/care for etc

[SandyBabyToes]

More of a "Is she being unreasonable" than an unreasonable one.

A close friend of mine insists a child that isn't particularly nice is easier to look after if they have a saving grace of being good looking. If a child of equal naughtiness isn't good looking, she insists it's harder to look after them in terms of if being emotionally draining to a point of no return.

Of course, she says, if a somewhat ugly child is a little darling then that's fine and they're lovely in their own sort of way, their behaviour even makes you believe somewhat that they have their own unique look.

She has been a Nanny in her time but is also a mother and said she felt the same way about her 3 children. She admits they aren't as equally as beautiful as the other but prefers to concentrate on their good parts and says her "least pleasing to the eye" DS has the most academic potential but also observed that teachers seem to like her other sons more.

I have to admit that I do understand where she's coming from. I have a 12 year age gap between me and my sisters. Both were equally as naughty and badly behaved but I preferred to look after one over the other because one was very pretty and I found it easier to forgive her (no harsh judgment please, I was only 15 at the time)

Can't comment as an adult because my own DC is stunning and of course I'm completely biased

What do you think?

Disclaimer: DFriend is very unusual in a sense that she doesn't hold fire when she thinks something and knows it won't cause offence to you personally.

Nah, I think it’s about their charm. My eldest is SO blessed with his looks, always has been, everybody has always mentioned how beautiful he is - he could be a model. I have no idea how he’s so frigging beautiful to be honest but he is... but he has as much charm and social tact as a snail, and for this reason teachers disliked him. He was always quiet, he never liked talking to people too much. He never had that social thing which told him how to act around teachers (despite my best efforts). He was just himself and didn’t care for pleasing others and suffered because of it. My youngest, who is beautiful but just nothing like my eldest, has more social tact and people just loved him. He’s smart and he’s charming and knows how to act in order to get reactions

I think it's in the eyes when they smile. I find it much harder to stick to my guns when they bring out The Smile. A man in the supermarket told my dd, who was about 8 months at the time "That smile will get you out of all kinds of trouble in life".

My mum ran a nursery in the early 1960s. There was a family of three little girls and the eldest and youngest were stunning. They were always beautifully presented in matching frocks and their dark curls caught up in extravagant bows as was the style then. They were also quite charming well mannered and well behaved little girls.

In between them was Lucy. She was a funny little thing, plain and awkward with mousey brown straight hair and limbs that seemed too long for her thin body. Lucy's clothes never quite fitted properly and her tights or socks were always wrinkled about her thin legs. My mum had concerns about her as she was socially awkward and just seemed to stand on the edge as others played.

Mum decided to intervene. She engaged Lucy in every task she herself did. She called her 'my helper, Lucy'. Every time she sat down to read a story she drew Lucy to her lap or sat her at her feet. She lavishly praised every little attempt at drawing, painting and playing. Gradually Lucy unfroze. She gained confidence and engaged in play with others. She became the popular child that my mum determined she would be with a bit of help!

I withessed this myself whilst helping my mum ss a young girl. I implore any parent, carer, teacher. If you have an ugly duckling, an 'also ran', focus and concentrate on them. Lavish them with praise. See them blossom. Some need a helping hand to begin to shine, but all children are stars.

Lucy and family returned to Canada in the late 1960s. Like me she is probably a grandmother by now. Wherever you are Lucy I hope you shone!!

That's a nice story Voice

That is a lovely story. It has inspired me to try harder to reject my inner primate! Tbf given the opportunity I do make an effort to bolster the ego of every child I meet. They live in highly competitive times and have unattainable ideas of beauty thrust at them from a very young age. I thought being a plain Jane was bad in the 90s but its truly brutal now.

I found people treated my DSDs differently based on looks. DSD1 is very pretty, unusually so, and charming but has a nasty streak which people tended to ignore. DSD2 is a bit scruffy (hair won’t sit properly, her clothes always end up wrecked, and she just can’t look “put together”) but she’s got the sweetest nature doing. I feel very sorry for her as people always, always favour her sister, and it’s really unfair.

Voice

Your story of the 3 sisters reminded me of some I went to school with. Again, eldest and youngest were beautiful, strikingly so. The middle sister was much plainer. All in their 20’s now (as am I) and the middle sister seems to be living a much less successful and/or glamorous life than her beautiful sisters. I wonder now if that is because she spent a lifetime being compared and has learnt to expect/want less?

I want to tut at the superficialness of it all but honestly, we've had such appalling behaviour from 5yo dd recently that being decorative is probably her only saving grace. It's awful but then so is her attitude!

Sorry - it's called a 'reverse smile' not an 'inverse' one! And yes, I think Ricky Gervais has one.

Reverse Smile

DS just got a haircut, and now looks exactly like Eleven in S1 Stranger Things. Big soulful eyes, pale skin. I've found it much easier to stay patient with him lately

NC especially for this because I'm embarrassed to admit it!

I'm a nursery nurse and I agree.

That being said, as a professional, I would never be unfair. The children would never know it, but I do occasionally find myself letting things go with prettier children. You'd probably think 'well of course they notice!' But they don't because I catch myself doing it and sort it out because it's not right. It's almost as if it's just your natural instinct.

While we're on the subject and I'm already going to hell. I also think cuter children are more likeable. Not that we have favourites, we just all have children who we have stronger relationships with, that's what most of us say anyway.

You probably think I'm a shit nursery nurse now! I'm not, I'm just being honest. I love my job and the children I work with. I am very fair and all of my children are happy and can't get enough of me, they all have fantastic outcomes and I do the best by each and every one of them - despite how they look.

The other thing that I've noticed is that the brighter children tend to also be the more attractive, popular ones for some reason. It's as if nature has intentionally handed both characteristics together.

I was horrendously bullied in Primary School by a very 'attractive' little girl, whilst I was awkward, bumbly and far more developed than my peers.

I broke down to my year five teacher and told her this little girl was bullying me.

She laughed haughtily and said 'Oh no, not 'Briony', Briony is too lovely to hurt anyone,'

I carried that with me for years.

Briony is now in prison, but that's irrelevant

Totally agree, I have a facial birth defect. Life has been very hard because of it. I've been badly treated by lots of people since I can remember. At playgroup, "You aren't washing your hands here, you're too ugly." Asked to stand with my back to the audience in the reception nativity. The looks of pity, during dancing exams/shows and later nights out.
My DD who is 3 is what they say is pretty, blonde, ringlets, big eyes, lovely face has is much easier. Everyone loves her, despite having speech delay related meltdowns. She is a favourite. If she starts in a shop I get, "What is a lovely pretty little girl like you having a tantrum for?"
I find people speak to me in shops if I'm with her because they want to talk to her or comment on her looks. I never ever got spoken to before her, just looks of disgust or silence from checkout staff. They'd not even tell me the price of my shopping. Now they all speak to us.
Oh and every now and then they talk to her first, then look up at me and I see their faces change from happy to revulsion or from happy to pity.
I hate the pity.

I also got, "You're clever, but no one will ever marry you, so you better hope someone gives you a job."
On school reports, "Justine is learning to use wit to control social situations". No wonder I have zero self esteem. Due to this I try to treat all the children I know equally. Well, the ones who don't run away. Ha.

I once read that doctors/nurses will try harder and longer to save the life of a goodlooking person than an ugly person. Totally subconsciously.

I'm so glad Briony is in prison! The pretty girl who bullied me at school (same reaction from teachers) now strips in online videos for money... I think it means I won!

I’m a right minger; proper RBF, dark, greasy and with - ahem - strong bone structure. DP is kind of indistinct-looking.

DS and DD are just gorgeous. DS looks like a young Michael York and DD looks like a Jennifer Lopez/Gigi Hadid hybrid.

DS is superficially incredibly charming and NO ONE bloody believes me when I tell them how awkward and argumentative he is. No one.

Same with DD, who is Wednesday Addams Made real. The only difference is that she’s not as glib and charming as DS, but people still think she’s sent from heaven.

We’re very careful to make sure they don’t see looks as the be-all and end-all. They don’t realise the advantages that they’ve had already due to being good-looking, but I can see a huge difference when I compare my childhood to theirs, as I was an interesting looking kid. I talk to them about how looks can be lost, due to age or accident and so they have to make sure that what’s “underneath” is beautiful too.
In answer to OP - it sucks if you’re average or below in the looks dept, because the stunners often get an easier ride.

It's a very interesting subject and I do agree with a lot of the above. However, given the choice of which of DD's friends to invite round for a play date - the naughty attractive one or the plain well-behaved one - I would definitely go for the latter!

I have to say, due to my experiences of being on the arse-end of the looks givings out, I’m my DCs harshest critics and they get away with very little.
We’ve had people ready to forgive DD for rudeness loads of times. Not on my watch, pal.

DS has always preferred female teachers because they have been easier on him. Now he has a grumpy bloke who sees right through him and won’t have any of it.

Nice to have an honest discussion on MN! I've also read of the science behind this, for example good looking people are offered the job over the less good looking even if their qualifications are the same.

DS2 is definitely "better" looking than DS1. Not that DS1 is ugly but DS2 has the olive skin, big brown eyes, light brown hair which seems to appeal. So far he does seem to be noticed more in social situations (still primary age) and invited to parties etc.

I actually prefer DS1s company, although that could be a age thing. But he is more awkward with people. The combination means that DS2 will probably have an easier time in life.

Also to add - DD1 is attractive but DD2 is cuter and very conventionally attractive. However, DD1 is less high maintenance than DD2 and adults tend to be more drawn to DD1 than DD2 due to her easier personality.

I can only talk from my own experience but as a teacher I've seen quite a few kids. I definitely don't them any differently based on looks. It is all about personality for me. Luckily I love them all by the end of the first week, colleagues think I'm strange.

*treat

Do you the likes of Samantha Brick were super cute as kids (but then grew out of it)?