Better looking children are easier to forgive/care for etc

[SandyBabyToes]

More of a "Is she being unreasonable" than an unreasonable one.

A close friend of mine insists a child that isn't particularly nice is easier to look after if they have a saving grace of being good looking. If a child of equal naughtiness isn't good looking, she insists it's harder to look after them in terms of if being emotionally draining to a point of no return.

Of course, she says, if a somewhat ugly child is a little darling then that's fine and they're lovely in their own sort of way, their behaviour even makes you believe somewhat that they have their own unique look.

She has been a Nanny in her time but is also a mother and said she felt the same way about her 3 children. She admits they aren't as equally as beautiful as the other but prefers to concentrate on their good parts and says her "least pleasing to the eye" DS has the most academic potential but also observed that teachers seem to like her other sons more.

I have to admit that I do understand where she's coming from. I have a 12 year age gap between me and my sisters. Both were equally as naughty and badly behaved but I preferred to look after one over the other because one was very pretty and I found it easier to forgive her (no harsh judgment please, I was only 15 at the time)

Can't comment as an adult because my own DC is stunning and of course I'm completely biased

What do you think?

Disclaimer: DFriend is very unusual in a sense that she doesn't hold fire when she thinks something and knows it won't cause offence to you personally.

I think it is true of humans as a species.

I see it often when people interact with my daughter (2.5). Generally speaking she is a sunny natured delight but wow she has her moments. People are still all gooey eyed over her, saying things like “oh but she’s so cute” whilst I, apparently slightly more impervious to her charms, am considering selling her to the highest bidder . And yet I have also done it myself, when she’s been naughty and then gives me a big beaming smile.

I’ve worked in many nurseries for many years & have seen this happen in almost every single one The babies/children that are deemed as cute get far more attention than those that are deemed not. They are interacted with more, cuddled more, & almost always chosen for special jobs etc. However, it also happens with personality. The children that are quiet & more reserved often get forgotten & less opportunities. I don’t think it’s a conscious choice made by staff, I bet almost all would not realise they are doing it. It’s sad though & has made me think twice about sending my children to a nursery.

It also happens in almost every aspect of life. People are attracted to cute & good looking. It’s why rescues are full of older dogs & more ‘unfavourable’ breeds than cute popular breed puppies

Both ds and dd are beautiful children and were beautiful as babies/ toddlers/ preschoolers. However, once past the baby stage, dd has certainly been the more charming, she is the type of child that brightens a room when she walks in. Teachers, relatives, other children all gravitate towards dd, she is frequently invited out by a child's Mother, in hope that she will be best friends with her dd when her dd is shyer and tends to play with other girls at school. I don't mean to sound like I am boasting/ smug, that is just how she is. Luckily she is a genuinely sweet-natured girl, she loves to be the centre of attention but isn't vain/ big-headed, I think it's just normal to her, as that's how it has always been. She has experienced quite a bit of jealousy from other children, who call her spoiled or take an instant dislike to her. She doesn't act in the least bit spoiled and we definitely are not financially in a position to spoil her (which she would hate anyway).

DS is equally beautiful, his looks have always drawn attention, however, he shies away from/ is completely oblivious to comments from adults/ relatives. He has a beautiful face and from babyhood, it didn't matter if he was in blue and dd was in pink, or if he was wearing army camo, he has always been mistaken for a girl. He has huge blue eyes with the longest eyelashes and had a head of golden ringlets when younger. His body is starting to change now, he is showing promise of a handsome jawline. People, unfortunately, label him as naughty/ bad, as he is autistic and struggles socially. He doesn't have his sisters charm and as a result, has had adults completely take against him. It is their loss as he is such a sweet natured, funny and clever boy. If they could see past his social awkwardness and vocal and physical stimming they would see what I see, a kind, gentle, clever and funny young man. We took him out of school, we home educate him now, which has seen him flourish both socially and emotionally.

We don't have favourites, perhaps I deliberately try to have more one to one time with dd as she misses out at times with her brother being autistic. As a teacher, I can't say I preferred prettier children, kind natures, charm and wit I found more endearing. I was drawn to children who were quieter and shyer as well as bookish, I was quiet and bookish as a child, as well as gentle and kind natured. My dd has her quiet and bookish side too, although more so when she is at home. In the younger classes, there were those beautiful children who when cheeky you couldn't help but smile (albeit behind a feigned yawn) however I find all younger children endearing, their innocence and take on the world is lovely and a pleasure to behold.

I think there are aesthetic associations too.

I look like my Dad, and like my Dad's mother - who existed in a relationship of utter mutual loathing with my own mother.

My sister looks like my Mum, and her side of the family.

Growing up, my sister was very definitely Mum's favourite - this isn't an inference, it was absolutely explicit and acknowledged (my Mum used to say that if she faced Sophie's Choice, she'd know exactly what she would do) - and I am sure that the fact that I unfortunately looked like the wrong side of the family was partly to blame. I don't think I'm necessarily worse looking than my sister, we are just different. I was also unlike my Mum in behaviour, though - she never moves, I wanted to run around and climb trees; she hates physical contact, I love hugs - which I'm sure was equally to blame.

Often it seems like the most beautiful people (adults and children) also have charming personalities. I wonder if this is because
A) genes for good looks and good personalities are either the same genes or related somehow.
B) good looking people have been treated better since they were literally newborn, so it's no surprise they have learned to emulate these positive behaviours and also see the world in an optimistic way

Thank you all for contributing to the thread, it's been a really interesting read to sit and consider these replies

And echoing what Quim said, it is nice not to have lots of posters shouting it's 'very very unreasonable' from the roof tops!

When it comes to kids I don’t think it’s looks as such but a cuteness and or charm.

As adults looks defo make you more trustworthy etc.

I teach Reception and genuinely haven't ever thought about or noticed this at all. I've definitely always had a soft spot for the more mischievous and challenging children in my class, possibly because they play a larger role in the class dynamic so take up more attention and time but there's definitely an element of charm to them, too. I wonder if it's a genuine genetic thing that we're drawn to certain 'types' of children in a nurturing role.

DS1 is 12 and has a sort of 'charm' that people are drawn to. He has ASD and has quite a different take on things but is very popular and has lots of friends in older years at school because he's just so likeable. We often have friends of his over and if I watch him with peers he has this gift for not really caring about being 'cool' so is deemed 'cool' for not caring, it's as though they're keeping up with him rather than him keeping up with them. His sunniness will see him through life well if he's able to keep it because it really does make life easier for him.

Piewraith I think it’s a combo, after all many good looking kids peak too early & are less attractive as they get older. The ability to charm people is a very good trait imo.

It is also about charisma I think.
I get so frustrated when I see how differently people treat DS and DD.

DD could charm the birds from the trees and DS lacks her charisma. When we are with other people, they all gush over DD and if there is ever an issue between them, people always take DD's side automatically when often it is DS who is in the right.

I see this happen with adults, at work. I've managed some very good looking people to whom everyone else was incredibly well-disposed, but I saw their work, and it was a bit crap. But they sailed through life...

And I have thought this with my own DD. She's 18 months and gorgeous, and sociable and charming. I can't take any credit because she's adopted! But I've watched how people respond to her and think, crikey, she'll grow to expect people to be nice and attentive to her, which must set up totally different relationships to the world to kids who find things harder in that respect.

(my Mum used to say that if she faced Sophie's Choice, she'd know exactly what she would do)

Oh my God whisky how awful It's one thing for us to discuss this as an unconscious phenomenon etc., but that's a totally different kettle of fish.

It’s funny because I’m a cm and my dh said similar this morning. One of the babies is starting to get a little mischievous and he said the little one has been getting away with it because he’s cute which obv gets worse in the long run if you don’t notice.

Remember reading about a study done - even babies and very young children gravitate towards even featured conventionally attractive people instinctively

I always remember being a small child and loving my mum for her deep olive skin and curvy figure with comfy boobs to rest my head on!

I remember thinking everyone else's mummy's just didn't compare

I think children take comfort in adults who're 'warm' if that makes sense?

I think I go against the grain a bit. Thinking about briefly, I'm probably instinctively slightly drawn more to kids who aren't considered the 'good-looking ones.' No idea why, but it's probably true.

Just wanted to add - Good looks And charm are usually a big winner. I think the reason good looking people are so charmed and confident is because they don't usually get put down, question themselves through self doubt etc etc because they've always been 'bigged up'

My DS is utterly stunning to me but I know he's conventionally good looking because he's always getting praised for being 'literally gorgeous'. Olive skin, big eyes, symmetrical features. One friend once said "My daughters a fool if she ever decides she doesn't want him" - Yet DS has never been nice to her. I thought the comment very strange

Also, I once had an abusive ex who before I left, I got comments like "he's not even good looking". As if Good looks would somehow compensate a little for shitty behaviour

Come to think of it, I've heard the phrase "he/she's not even good looking" quite a lot in my time.

I don't want to come across arrogant because I'm not and I'm quite shy but I think I wouldn't have had the opportunities I've had if it weren't for my looks. My manager even told me i was saying all the wrong things in my interview yet they still gave me a job! Also everyone comments on my D'S piercing eyes and how cute he is. He is very cheeky and mischievous but gets away with murder at nursery.

Looks have such power in our society.

One of my mums friends dds was in the same acting school and same class as Keira Knightly. Every time Keira was in anything the mum would wail "it should have been dd" only her dd was (sorry to be mean) extremely unattractive, so however good an actress its not a mystery as to why Keira is in Hollywood and her dd isn't.

I've not found this with teachers with my own kids. My younger dd is gorgeous to me but to other people there would be better looking kids, but she's got quite a jolly, confident personality and good social skills. I find teachers have always really liked her and picked her for things. My older daughter was better looking at primary school but was quieter and more withdrawn and teachers seemed to find her less appealing and overlooked her for things. She's not as cute looking now but has grown in confidence at high school a lot and teachers there seem really positive about her. I think their behaviour and confidence has played a bigger role in how they've been perceived than their looks

There have been threads before of mothers understandably fretting about the trickiness of having children with different attractiveness and how to handle the fact that other people treat them differently.

I would say, for me personally, "cuteness" rather than beauty might affect how I treat a child. So a toddler with big chubby cheeks who is babbling away may seem more likeable and so more forgivable. But no, I dont consider beauty in children the way I have seen other people do.

Treacle - it's very interesting you should say that about nurseries.

One of my DCs, a DS, was/still is gorgeous looking. He was also very quiet and shy and didn't say much. I know he got overlooked frequently at nursery. If I picked him up early/unexpectedly, more than on a few occasions I found him forlornly in a corner somewhere, unoccupied, whilst the majority of the group were busily chattering and engaged with the activity. It happened too often to be a one-off occurrence. He never pushed himself forward and has the most obliging, sweet natured, quiet character but he definitely did get forgotten about at nursery and never got chosen for anything special.

Funnily enough before my DS started at that nursery my DD went there. She was/is a chatty livewire. When I picked her up, she was always right in the middle of the action but I always noticed a little boy (who was also better looking than the average child, with blonde hair and striking blue eyes - I still remember his name although I didn't know him as such) lost and forgotten in the corner. So much so I almost felt I should let his mum know privately as when I saw her pick him up the staff would say "Ooh he's had a great day, been stuck into XYZ.." but from the times I saw him it never looked like the staff were engaging him. Still, I just saw a moment or two when I was collecting my DD and he seemed happy enough. Also, first time round you accept how things are.

But that came back to haunt me when my quiet DS went after DD had left and I found him so often definitely overlooked. I realised they probably do give more time and attention to the louder ones Nothing to do with good looks. They seemed to like the bright, funny, curious ones first and foremost.

Robert Winston explained this on Child of Our Time. It's a real thing. Mothers spend more time looking into the eyes of babies that are independently rated as 'attractive' and more time interacting with them. He said that primary school children were drawn to attractive children to make friends with.