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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable when people repeatedly try to get you to accept refreshments?

150 replies

usedtogotomars · 12/01/2018 07:16

Another thread made me think of this.

I know some people find it funny/charming/eccentric but am I the only one who actually finds it quite ignorant when people push food onto you and won’t accept repeated ‘honestly, I’m fine .... thank you but I’ve had enough ... no, really ....’

I’ve actually stopped visiting a friend because of this as she always wants to visit her Mum and her mum spends the entire visit getting me to try and eat something.

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 12/01/2018 07:38

Ignorant means uneducated. I'm not seeing the correlation with being a hospitable host and low educational attainment?

echt · 12/01/2018 07:39

The mum is being friendly. Accept a nibble and pick at it.

user1487372252 · 12/01/2018 07:41

If you've stopped seeing someone because of then I'd say yes yabu.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 12/01/2018 07:42

They shouldn't push food onto you, but sometimes it's more polite to accept a cup of tea or something, even if you don't really fancy it, than it is to sit there with nothing.

meaningfulInteraction · 12/01/2018 07:43

@NewYearNewMe18

Ignorant can mean lacking knowledge or unsophisticated or rude. Ironically!

@usedtogotomars

I find it mildly irritating but you could just accept.

allegretto · 12/01/2018 07:44

It's a bit annoying. I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

To feel uncomfortable when people repeatedly try to get you to accept refreshments?
Original poster
usedtogotomars · 12/01/2018 07:44

Well there are two reasons really why I won’t. First is I’m vegan and often there isn’t suitable food. Second if you DO accept something it’s like the Red Sea comes crashing down upon you and it’s even worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
usedtogotomars · 12/01/2018 07:44

I don’t lose sleep over it but i don’t want to see people who annoy me and make me feel uncomfortable either.

OP posts:
Mumsymcmumface · 12/01/2018 07:45

They shouldn't push food onto you, but sometimes it's more polite to accept a cup of tea or something, even if you don't really fancy it, than it is to sit there with nothing.

Why? This is bonkers.

A simple no thanks is all that should be needed and anyone who takes offence needs to get a life.

I agree with op. It’s infuriating when people are constantly pushing tea, coffee, biscuits etc that you don’t want in your face

echt · 12/01/2018 07:48

Just say you're vegan, which you could have done in your OP, OP.
You don't have to eat everything.
Don't see this person if you don't want to.
They are not making you "feel uncomfortable". No-one can make you feel anything. You own your reactions/feelings.

KennDodd · 12/01/2018 07:48

I think there's a cultural element to this. Middle eastern friends I have always do this, and it's very common when I've been in the middle east. I think you're rationally supposed to say 'No thank you' three times before accepting. I don't know what you say if you really don't want anything, I think it can be considered rude not to accept hospitality.

I agree with you though OP, it's annoying.

Lweji · 12/01/2018 07:51

YABU for having two identical threads. Grin

Original poster
usedtogotomars · 12/01/2018 07:52

echt I do but you would be amazed how many people don’t understand this. Plus, they take ‘I don’t want anything because I am vegan’ as a sign that I would accept something if it was vegan so go mad hunting out food I can eat and I don’t want it!

OP posts:
Original poster
usedtogotomars · 12/01/2018 07:53

Lweji probably being a bit prickly but MN crashed this morning. I didn’t do it on purpose Sad

OP posts:
Mysteriouscurle · 12/01/2018 07:55

I have been there. Accepted drink/biscuit. Asked if id like another, no thanks, and then being asked again,
"go on have another".
"No thanks im fine"
"Go on, there's plenty"
"No honestly, im okay"
"Have just one more, for goodness sake" said in slightly irritated tone. I hated visiting.

And my personal hate, the more occasional "well it'll have to get eaten" with the emphasis on this being somehow my problem.

And while we're at it, ive been veggie for 20 years and youve known me for all of that time. Can you please stop offering me cold meat sandwiches and then when I refuse saying "oh. You dont eat that do you?" in a surprised toneAngry lighthearted sort of

restingbemusedface · 12/01/2018 07:55

I find the persistent incorrect use of the word ‘ignorant’ on MN, well...ignorant

Teufelsrad · 12/01/2018 07:56

I hate it too. I drink tea and coffee but not in other people's homes.
I appreciate the offer because I think that you should offer guests something,but once they've declined twice then I wish that the host would accept it.

Original poster
usedtogotomars · 12/01/2018 07:58

Yes, I’ve no problem being politely offered but I just hate the persistency.

YY to ‘it’ll have to be eaten’

OP posts:
echt · 12/01/2018 07:58

resting I've wanted to post this thought for years. But lacked the moral fibre. Truly the misapplication of "ignorant" is, well, ignorant.

Moussemoose · 12/01/2018 07:59

You offer that is the politeness. Your guest makes a choice. You respect that decision.

As a host your job is to make your guest comfortable.

It you are making a guest feel uncomfortable you are doing something wrong.

If the OP doesn't like food being pushed on her she doesn't like it. Having to explain about being vegan is not her responsibility. And we all know the second she leaves the hosts turn to each other and say "bloody vegans always going on about it".

KennDodd · 12/01/2018 07:59

It's worse in the pub with alcohol I think.

echt · 12/01/2018 08:01

Having to explain about being vegan is not her responsibility

How else would the hosts know? It's not as if it's, like normal, 2% of UK population.

thegreylady · 12/01/2018 08:02

My problem is with drinks. I can’t stop myself offering..
Would you like a cup of tea?
No thank you
Coffee?
No really I’m fine
How about an orange juice?
My adult children now chorus..
No tea no coffee no juice, milk or water thank you Mum...
I don’t think I do it with acquaintances though just family or close friends.
I always accept a drink myself though.

Original poster
usedtogotomars · 12/01/2018 08:03

They don’t need to know

‘No thanks’ should be enough

OP posts:
sixteenapples · 12/01/2018 08:05

If someone visits, does not sit down, does not take off a coat, does not accept food or drink - it is uncomfortbale for the host. The "signals" of being at ease in someone's house were those.

Culturally the offering and acceptance of food was, and still is in many cases, crucial to a guest indicating that they are at ease in your home.

Anyone who does not show those signals makes a host feel uncomfortable, inadequate and on edge. (Why are they here, am I not good enough for them, are they just here to sneer or inspect etc)

It is very deep - hence this behaviour, especially amongst and older generation for whom food was a much more valuable commodity than it often is for younger people.

Deal with it by, "I'd love a glass of water - I'm really thirsty - thanks" or "I would love a cup of tea - no milk" . And as others have said accept a biscuit and when offered another say "I've still got this thanks - but they look tempting". It is simple manners.

(And if they make luscious cakes - eat three slices!!!)

(I hope that when you are a host you offer food!!)