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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable when people repeatedly try to get you to accept refreshments?

150 replies

usedtogotomars · 12/01/2018 07:16

Another thread made me think of this.

I know some people find it funny/charming/eccentric but am I the only one who actually finds it quite ignorant when people push food onto you and won’t accept repeated ‘honestly, I’m fine .... thank you but I’ve had enough ... no, really ....’

I’ve actually stopped visiting a friend because of this as she always wants to visit her Mum and her mum spends the entire visit getting me to try and eat something.

OP posts:
echt · 12/01/2018 08:06

Your refusals aren't working, so have you had a word with your friend about her mum's overbearing hospitality?

CappuccinoCake · 12/01/2018 08:08

Just ask for a glass of water or something. I'd usually say yes to something as it makes the host feel they've done their bit .

fastfrank · 12/01/2018 08:08

@NewYearNewMe18 your comment was completely irrelevant and goady.

OP I hate this too. Sometimes I just don't want a bloody drink and I would really love it if whoever is offering me said drink took my first "no" as final! I feel really embarrassed if they keep offering, why would I say no to a drink if I actually did want one?

PeoniesforMissAnnersley · 12/01/2018 08:09

I don’t think anyone should have to eat/drink something they don’t want out of politeness... no wonder we have an obesity crisis ffs. I have a friend who does this with alcohol and have basically stopped going over because they literally will not take no for an answer.

CappuccinoCake · 12/01/2018 08:09

What sixteen said exactly! But much more eloquently.

speakout · 12/01/2018 08:09

I agree with sixteenapples.

In many cultures- including our own to a small extent refusing hospitality is not polite.

And totally agree with the glass of water. That will do the trick

It's symbolic, a gesture, an acceptance.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 12/01/2018 08:10

Why? This is bonkers.

As other people have said, it shows that you are at ease. Plus a lot of people like to host and like to provide for their guests, if you "reject" that they might feel a bit slighted.

Moussemoose · 12/01/2018 08:10

@sixteenapples

The trouble is people don't leave it. You say "a glass of water would be nice", but that isn't good enough for them. The host wants you to have tea or coffee, it's the same with alcohol if your not drinking.

As for saying "I've still got this biscuit" the point the OP is making is that they don't leave it. She brushes the offer off (politely) and they keep on. She says she is fine offers an excuse but they keep on.

It's not the offer that's the issue it's the persistence.

Teufelsrad · 12/01/2018 08:11

Yes the pub thing is even worse. I don't drink alcohol and rarely go to pubs but when I do some people just cannot accept that I don't want an alcoholic drink. Why? I don't make a big deal of it so why should they?

CappuccinoCake · 12/01/2018 08:12

So much is cultural- if someone came over and never ate or drank anything when they visited I'd probably subconsciously think they didn't want to be here/that there s something wrong with me and not keep inviting them.

ItIsTooEarly · 12/01/2018 08:12

They shouldn't push food onto you, but sometimes it's more polite to accept a cup of tea or something, even if you don't really fancy it, than it is to sit there with nothing.

Really?? Confused

Because there's a whole video about tea and consent that is predicated on the premise that you don't force cups of tea on people who have said no!

"No thanks" is a polite response and should be accepted.

RadioGaGoo · 12/01/2018 08:13

'Ignorant' Hmm

echt · 12/01/2018 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Teufelsrad · 12/01/2018 08:16

I sit down and take my coat off but I don't want a glass of water or tea or coffee. I don't see why I should be forced to accept anything. I really do appreciate the offer,and if the host offers they've done their job whether I accept or not. Pressuring your guests doesn't create a relaxing atmosphere either.

HariboForBreakfast · 12/01/2018 08:18

I had friends years ago who would give you the food/drink anyway irrespective of whether you had accepted or refused the offer so you could say no, thank you, I've just eaten, having just had a large breakfast at home and then be handed a huge plate of buttered Brack. (Like a malt fruit loaf) Trying to leave before that plate was empty was met with "ah you can't go yet, you've not finished your snack" Confused

LivLemler · 12/01/2018 08:18

So much is cultural- if someone came over and never ate or drank anything when they visited I'd probably subconsciously think they didn't want to be here/that there s something wrong with me and not keep inviting them.

Totally agree with this. I'd feel really uncomfortable if a friend came over and sat in my house and didn't have even a glass of water. I don't drink tea or coffee, I find that when I just say "Oh no, really, I don't drink either - a glass of water would be lovely though" that's grand.

haba · 12/01/2018 08:19

Presumably it's difficult because people are genuinely surprised that cake and biscuits aren't vegan (Confused "but there's no meat in this!" Ye.eees, but they're made with egg, milk, butter, lard ummm)
Some people though, it's a huge part of their culture or their personality to feed others, sorry it is.

ItIsTooEarly · 12/01/2018 08:19

echt you're right it is about rape and I won't fuck off (my aren't you the charmer)

The very point of the video is that you wouldn't force tea on someone who didn't want it. So if we're saying that actually you can, and it's fine and people should just accept tea to be polite and not cause a fuss, then the whole video is flawed. Isn't it?

The very point is that you don't have to accept anything that you don't want to accept just to "be polite" and it's fine for the OP to not want other people's 'hospitality' forced upon her.

echt · 12/01/2018 08:19

I don't see why I should be forced to accept anything

No-one is forcing you.

Pressuring your guests doesn't create a relaxing atmosphere either
see upthread for cultural norms. Just say no, nod and smile. Don't go back.

PeoniesforMissAnnersley · 12/01/2018 08:20

echt I think you’ve misunderstood the original video, which is predicated on the fact that we wouldn’t normally force someone to drink a cup of tea so why would we force them into sex... so it is relevant here, on a thread about not forcing people to drink/eat Hmm
I would be horrified if I thought I was force-feeding guests. I offer once then leave it, assuming that as intelligent people my guests know what “no” means

ItIsTooEarly · 12/01/2018 08:20

Oh and it was the police who made the video that drew the link between a serious topic and hospitality.

So take your issue up with them, not me.

echt · 12/01/2018 08:20

The very point of the video is that you wouldn't force tea on someone who didn't want it. So if we're saying that actually you can, and it's fine and people should just accept tea to be polite and not cause a fuss, then the whole video is flawed. Isn't it?

But it's a metaphor about rape, not tea, so has no bearing on this thread.

echt · 12/01/2018 08:21

So take your issue up with them, not me

But you're the one who brought it up. Erroneously.

PeoniesforMissAnnersley · 12/01/2018 08:22

I’ve reported you echt - no need to tell people to fuck off

echt · 12/01/2018 08:23

Thanks Peonies