To feel uncomfortable when people repeatedly try to get you to accept refreshments?

[usedtogotomars]

Another thread made me think of this.

I know some people find it funny/charming/eccentric but am I the only one who actually finds it quite ignorant when people push food onto you and won’t accept repeated ‘honestly, I’m fine .... thank you but I’ve had enough ... no, really ....’

I’ve actually stopped visiting a friend because of this as she always wants to visit her Mum and her mum spends the entire visit getting me to try and eat something.

Men get away with it, though. Example: went with OH to visit mutual female friend and her child. Child had baked some disgusting looking offering—I think it was supposed to be cupcakes, covered with weird blue frosting. Friend: "Look what little Princess has made just for you. She spent all morning." Me: "Oh, those look lovely, I'd love one, aren't you nice, blah blah blah...." (all the while trying to disguise dismay). OH: "Are you kidding? What is that? It looks like snot. I'm not putting THAT anywhere near my mouth!!" Little Princess thought he was the funniest man ever and hung on his every word after that while I forced the vile slimy cupcake down.

@cathycake

You're confusing offering and welcoming people with pushing food or drink.
They are different.

People are supposed to accept something they dont want and leave it to waste then feel guilty because they really didnt want to waste it and uncomfortable because its just sitting there just to make the host feel better?
Thats nuts!
Guests should feel welcome and relaxed. Not badgered into something they dont want to make you feel you are the hostess with the mostest!
Making guests uncomfortable is not good hosting.

I'm in the med and it's absolutely cultural here.
I get asked upstairs for coffee by my landlady all the time but it's never just that. Out comes the village bread, halloumi, tomatoes, nuts, cake etc.
Often its beer instead of coffee!
No point in saying no, she would be offended and she's a lovely lady and I would not want to do that.

Back in UK it used to annoy me though, the constant ' go on, have [whatever], go on, go on...

I get the worst of both worlds with my MIL.

She offers food non-stop. When the family go for lunch, she gets a huge range of bought puddings and makes a trifle. I'm trying to cut back on sweet stuff, and having declined profiteroles, key lime pie, tiramisu and trifle she then starts offering chocolate bars, cake and biscuits. It goes on and on! But she serves up dinners that are tiny and there's never any seconds. Perhaps I should try saying "No pudding, thanks, but I'd love another dinner".

I drink tea in vast quantities. If I'm in the office and someone's making a round of drinks, they often don't ask, just make me one anyway. But MIL offers a max of 2 or 3 drinks a visit (which is never less than 4 hours and could be 8) and when you get a cuppa, it's in a tiny mug. I feel sufficiently at home there now just to get up and make one, and offer everyone else one as well.

She's utterly lovely though, and I love her to bits, so I don't really mind.

I think the psychology behind "food transactions" is probably quite complex. I bet someone's studied it.

My husband's granddad is a bugger for this.

Even when we are having a meal he will keep offering me more of something. He gets up and hands me the bowl of carrots when I still have plenty left.

'I am not hungry, thank you' when we just go to visit it met with a list as long as his arm as to what I can eat.

He's a kind and gentle soul so I try not to let it annoy me too much. His wife will sometimes chirp in with a firm 'she said she isn't hungry!'

It's a hospitality thing so not ignorant. Lots of people are shy to accept food in another's home, so the host must keep offering different foods and try to tempt you into eating. It's also cultural. In the culture I'm originally from, it's very rude not to ply guests with food and coax them into having more. Guests usually try a bit of everything but must leave something on their plate if they're done, as an empty plate indicates they would like more.

Oh and the guest usually declines the food the first few times (out of politeness) so the host expects this and keeps offering until they accept. It's like a dance. I'm used to it so I do it automatically, if I don't want any more I leave food on my plate or a napkin over it! If it's just refreshments and I don't want them, I say I've just eaten then change the subject swiftly, and bat away the next few offers.

My grandmothers sisters used to do that to me U2

It was horrible. I’d have my mouth full and they’d be trying to pile food on my plate.

Reading these I have realised it’s all about the individuals feelings. They want to feel they are being a good host and so they push food because when it is accepted and eaten they feel good. The fact they are actually making the recipient feel uncomfortable and embarrassed doesn’t matter at all.

And the last visit I had which I am now trying to avoid the conversation went something like this.

‘Ah, hello, X, how are you ... d’you want a cup of tea?’
‘Just a glass of water would be lovely for me thanks!’
‘You sure now? As I’ve got tea, coffee if you’d prefer, hot chocolate? Or orange juice, and I think we’ve got some apple juice (shouts to her husband) we have got some of that apple juice left haven’t we? Or coke?’
Nervous titter from me. ‘Honestly, water is fine, lovely!’
‘Well, if you’re sure ... or I can put some of that orange cordial in it?’
‘Honestly, water on its own is fine.’
‘And you’ll be wanting a piece of lemon cake?’
‘Oh, it looks gorgeous’ (it does) ‘but I’d best not!’
‘Ah, go on, you must, it’s delicious!’
‘Yes, it really looks delicious! It’s just I’m vegan and so -‘
‘You don’t eat cakes then?’
‘Occasionally, yeah, if they are vegan cakes but they often aren’t that nice really! But there are some specially made like peanut butter sli-‘
‘Well we have peanut butter, would you like me to make you a peanut butter sandwich!’
‘Oh no, it’s okay! I don’t normally eat at this time anyway, so-‘

I could go on but I won’t as I think what happens is more or less the ENTIRE visit is purely focused on trying to get me to eat or drink. No ones caught up on any news and it’s not a conversation. It’s uncomfortable and embarrassing for me and that’s not about kindness.

My parents are guilty of this, I know they're just being kind and generous but it's the failure to listen that annoys me now.

I don't eat chocolate, went totally off it last year, and I tell them every time I visit when I refuse the chocolate that they offer me in every form (bars, biscuits, cake, dessert, boxes of choc) yet still they keep pushing it at me. I refuse one thing so a different chocolate option is then offered!

I'd love to sit and eat something lovely while the rest of the family do but there's never any other option but chocolate! They even gave me a large box for Christmas.

I don't like chocolate. No one believes me and I spend a lot of time eating chocolate just to shut people up.

I am an argumentative person by nature, but even I can't stand the constant horror that my dislike of chocolate brings.

I said I don't want a chocolate- will you JUST LEAVE IT!

This thread is interesting reading though.

I have autism and I know to offer tea/coffee so I do - if I think about it. Quite often I don't think about it. But then I don't often have people round to the house so it rarely comes up.

But I have experienced it at others and it makes me really uncomfortable.

It's like so many of the NT social dances - it just doesn't make any sense. I can see why it's polite to offer but I don't see why someone would repeatedly offer or offer alternatives when you've said no.

And as for being too polite to ask, surely, if someone knows you well enough to be in your house in the first place, they know you well enough to say "would you mind of I had a glass of water" or "can I have a cup of tea now please?"

I think it's incredibly rude to make a guest fel uncomfortable by repeatedly offering. There are people whose houses I don't go round to anymore, and one person i no longer see, because it made me so uncomfortable when they did it.

I'd only feel comfortable asking a very close friend for a drink, or offering to make one, or get my own in their house. With anyone else, that would feel both massively presumptuous and critical of their 'poor hosting'.

I find it really uncomfortable and poor manners if the refreshment being pushed is alcohol.

With food if I go somewhere knowing it will be offered I'll make sure I'm hungry and accept something. I eat slowly so not much chance to bombard me with more food then I care for.

Generally speaking I’d say something along the line of
‘Can I get you a tea or coffee?’
‘I’m good, thanks.’
‘Sure? I’m having one.’
‘No, really, I’m good for now.’

is fine.

But pestering and haranguing guests ... I can’t understand why people think that’s polite.

More of a compulsion.

See, this is the problem with vegans...

YANBU I have noticed some people do it because it makes them feel better about stuffing their faces with cake if everyone else does.

I'd only feel comfortable asking a very close friend for a drink, or offering to make one, or get my own in their house. With anyone else, that would feel both massively presumptuous and critical of their 'poor hosting'.

I wouldn't be in the house of someone who wasn't a close friend in the first place.

It wouldn't occur to me that it would be seen as critical of their hosting skills

A good host makes their guest feel comfortable and at home. That means making sure to offer good and drink, maybe following up that offer if they think the guest is particularly shy or might want a different drink to that offered.
You're being the opposite of a good host if you make them uncomfortable by repeatedly insisting on them eating or drinking when they've made it clear they don't want to.
I wouldn't want any guest in my home forcing something down because they think they have to be polite.

I'm half Iraqi - all ME cultures offer food to guests because historically, this would be a lifeline people travelling in the desert. Its enlightened self-interest: you even offer to your enemies on the assumption that should you ever be travelling alone or in a small group they would do the same for you. Refusing is breaking that social contract. I don't really know how it applies in Western cultures where pre-industrial travellers could transport supplies more easily, but there seems to be a related symbolic function. I definitely don't feel right refusing hosts. If I don't want the tea/water/whatever I just don't drink it.

All cultures offer food. This post and thread is not objecting at all to the offer but it is asking that a no thank you is respected.

Culture or not you surely realise that Mary from Number 7 hasn’t actually been travelling through the desert

I get exactly this from my MIL particularly if she knows I'm trying to diet. I also gave up alcohol 12 years ago but she still makes a huge fuss if I don't want wine or whatever alcohol shes serving so I end up looking like I'm the problem.

Culture or not you surely realise that Mary from Number 7 hasn’t actually been travelling through the desert confused

Quite