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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable when people repeatedly try to get you to accept refreshments?

150 replies

usedtogotomars · 12/01/2018 07:16

Another thread made me think of this.

I know some people find it funny/charming/eccentric but am I the only one who actually finds it quite ignorant when people push food onto you and won’t accept repeated ‘honestly, I’m fine .... thank you but I’ve had enough ... no, really ....’

I’ve actually stopped visiting a friend because of this as she always wants to visit her Mum and her mum spends the entire visit getting me to try and eat something.

OP posts:
MistressPage · 12/01/2018 17:41

Oh you poor, poor people. Having to deal with nice people offering you food and drink! Whatever next? This is such a joyless thread. Chill out and have some cake Cake Go on you know you want it.

DontOpenDeadInside · 12/01/2018 17:44

If I'm offered a drink and I say no, and they say are you sure? I just say yeah, I'll be on the toilet all day if I have another drink...seems to stop them asking. Grin

Albadross · 12/01/2018 17:55

I just get on and make whatever I was making for myself and if a guest wants something I make that, but I constantly forget to offer because I judge it by whether I'm hungry/thirsty (I have autism) and usually try to get all of that done before they arrive. I hate that all social engagements seem to depend on food tbh. The social norms are hard enough to learn without my being vegan and on a very restricted diet getting involved. I get why people think it matters but it really doesn't!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 12/01/2018 18:56

You really don't have a cup of tea until 5, Lweji? Or is that a joke I don't get?

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 12/01/2018 19:07

I’m Irish and as such, it’s utterly essential that I offer everyone who comes near my house a cup of tea and something to eat, then check they haven’t changed their mind every 10 mins. That’s just how it is.

I’d rather they accepted and didn’t drink it if they are staying for half hr or more and don’t want it. I can’t explain this, it just is.

Can’t believe the bollocks that people can be offended by these days Hmm

Idontdowindows · 12/01/2018 19:17

Not unreasonable at all. I will ask exactly twice (once offer something specific, if a no then follow up with "could I get you something else?") and then it's done.

I've resorted to going "no thank you, I can't with the meds" in extreme cases, that usually shuts people up ;)

RicottaPancakes · 12/01/2018 19:21

A CUP of tea Lweji , not tea ;-)

WinchestersInATardis · 12/01/2018 19:27

Continuously pressuring to do something after they have repeatedly said a polite no thank you is certainly not being hospitable. I think it's very rude.
Completely agree OP.
Absolutely polite to offer and necessary if you're the host, but unbearably rude to keep at a guest until you wear them down enough to accept something they don't want.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/01/2018 19:29

I regard 'a cup of tea' as a measure of time. About 30-45 minutes. Add a second cup and that's up to 1.5 hours.

So, if I'm dropping off or collecting something or someone, and am asked if I'd like to stop for a cup of tea, a 'no thanks, got to go' means five mins chat, standing. 'Yes please' means let's sit and chat for 30-45 mins. 'Yes please, oh but actually could I just have a glass of water' means let's sit and chat for 30-45 mins but I'm drinking water.

Though, if I'm meeting someone for a coffee (or tea), out, that's a bit more of an occasion, so it's 45mins - 1.25 hours.

Missingstreetlife · 12/01/2018 19:37

I always accept a glass of water, don't have to drink it. Some ppl think it's rude not to accept a bite.
Very basic human bonding in all cultures to 'break bread' together, from literally a biscuit to state banquet. Awkward if they won't take no for an answer

Original poster
usedtogotomars · 12/01/2018 19:58

You see, if I am seeing someone and trying to catch up I find spending the visit fending off offers of food/drink really tiresome and yes, it has put me off seeing some people.

OP posts:
user1495222250 · 12/01/2018 20:46

I don't drink tea or coffee, but you'd be amazed at the number of times people just make you a cup without asking. I don't think of it as rudeness, just thoughtlessness.

I guess hosts feel they're being polite & hospitable when they just keep on offering, but I think they should just accept what you say after asking and then checking that 'you're sure.' It can get a bit awkward after that.

Albadross · 12/01/2018 21:20

Are people not bothered about ease then?

Albadross · 12/01/2018 21:21

Waste FGS

mrsharrison · 12/01/2018 22:01

Look, if someone' popping in my house for an hour I' m gonna offer them a drink. They say no but i'll make myself one. Half an hour later I'll say are you sure you don't fancy a drink? I'm making myself one. If they say no then I'll say help yourself if you change your mind.
That has happened rarely, most people say yes.
If someone is in my house for more than 3 hours then I'm gonna offer them food, because i need to eat and i don't eat in front of people without offering them the same. In fact if they turned down food then I wouldnt eat cos I'd feel uncomfortable (unless close friends).
So there is the arguement that the guest is being rude by turning down food and allowing the host to go hungry.
If you're vegan or have a health problem then the host should back off.

Original poster
usedtogotomars · 12/01/2018 22:09

Offering twice in a sixty minute period is, I would say, reasonable.

Offering twice in a sixty second period is not.

If it makes you uncomfortable to eat in front of people not eating, then that’s your issue. Don’t project it onto them.

OP posts:
mrsharrison · 12/01/2018 22:18

A lot of people have an issue eating in front of people who are not close friends or family when said person isn't eating either but just staring at them eating.
I was an unannouned guest a few weeks ago. I accepted coffee and two hours later i was offered lunch with them. I said no thanks I had to go and finish christmas shopping.
I wasnt hungry and i wasnt gonna turn down their food and stay there while they made lunch and ate it in front of me.
Just basic manners.

rothbury · 12/01/2018 22:54

Does this really happen to you often?

I am in my fifties and it has never happened to me Confused

If I say no thank you, I'm fine, that's it......

cathycake · 12/01/2018 23:22

I'm one of these 'ignorant ' people. I just want guests to feel welcome and maybe after reading this it seems I may try too hard to make visitors feel at home

Have to point out that my friends / family are so comfy here I know they would put the kettle on themselves and wouldn't be scared to ask but visitors wouldn't and I just want them to feel welcome.

Maybe it's to do with my childhood or the fact that I've been to some houses and I'm dying of thirst and don't even get offered a glass of water and not wanting visitors to feel that way

If I have someone doing work at home I usually buy bacon and do a bacon sarnie too !

Never thought of it being forceful but I get uneasy when someone doesn't accept a drink as I feel they don't want to stay?

All of us different, some of us are just feeders and fussers! Love us or hate us you can rely on us with a cup of tea and sympathy ( or you would prefer coffee and cake?)... actually what about a sandwich cos I've got a lovely crusty loaf? No?? Oh ok just have a few biscuits then..?

Why do you hate my food so much Sad

lottiegarbanzo · 12/01/2018 23:44

Do you offer or badger cathycake? Do you take 'no thanks, looks lovely but really I've already eaten.' etc. for an answer?

At home I don't eat cake and biscuits all day, rarely at all. I eat three meals and mightn't want to snack in between (unless it's really nice looking cake, or chocolate ginger biscuits, in which case, oh well, go on). So being pressured to snack will not make me feel 'at home', it could make me feel uncomfortable.

Or, you could well make me feel that you want to eat cake and multiple biscuits at a time, are seeking complicity in your unhealthy habits and perceive my lack of interest as a judgement on you. I don't want to make you feel judged but I don't want to feel obliged to over-eat and feel uncomfortably stuffed and full of sugar, either.

I suspect OP is not much of a snack-er either.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/01/2018 23:47

I do agree that not accepting a drink is a statement of unwillingness to sit down and chat for 20+ minutes. People might as well keep their coat on. A drink is a signifier of commitment to sit and chat.

EastMidsMummy · 12/01/2018 23:49

Fucking hell, why do so many of you make life so tough for yourselves?

If someone comes to your house, offer them a cup of tea. Don’t make them one if they don’t want one. If they decline, ask if they’d like anything else instead. Even if they don’t want a drink, you can still have one. That’s fine.

If you go to someone else’s house and they offer you a cup of tea don’t have one if you really don’t want one. Yes, you could ask for a glass of water or a coffee. Go nuts. But FFS, it’s only a cup of tea. What’s the worst that could happen?

cathycake · 12/01/2018 23:51

Ive actually been a vegetarian since I was 11 and still size 8 despite being 50 and having 3 kids so I'd probably class myself as a healthy eater lottiegarbanzo ..... But thanks for being concerned about my diet.

If you had visited I would have let you wait in the porch Wink

lottiegarbanzo · 13/01/2018 00:04

I'm not interested in your diet at all. I'm explaining how you, or the behaviour you describe, might make visitors feel.

(And I'll keep that lovely packet of extra-nice biscuits I'd brought, to myself then and take them back home with me, shall I?)

IamtheOrpheliac · 13/01/2018 02:48

Having an eating disorder complicates this too. People offering me food/drink, is fine, because I can say no if it's a bad day/I just don't want it. On a rough day, people repeatedly offering or offering different things - as in 'oh you don't want cake, well what about a biscuit? Piece of fruit?' - can trigger panic attacks. I am aware that people are just being nice and for the most part aren't trying to pressure me, I don't want to offend them or make them feel like I'm rejecting them. On the other hand, some days I actually can't eat/drink and if I have something in front of me then chances are I will and then spend the rest of the day hating myself and trying to compensate.

I can see why it could put OP off visiting someone.