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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are they so bitchy?

302 replies

motherfiver · 10/01/2018 23:42

Basically DP who I have happily been with for 6 years and had two children With is a photographer, he used to specialise in glamour photography (basically taking photos of women’s tits). He is the most respectful man I have ever met and part of this is down to his career in the industry.
After spending my last 20 years as a mother being shunned by other parents at school I’ve just began to make friends, or at least acquaintances I can chat to a drop off and pick up.
But after chatting about are partners jobs with one other mum before Christmas , our relationship has become the gossip of the playground, it really does seem like we are the ones at school.
Dp now just gets ignored or stared during the school run and I’ve had constant ‘leave him’ ‘he’ll cheat’ ‘he doesn’t respect women’ ‘how can you be with him’ ‘get out now’ ‘how can you let him near your daughters’ etc from a group of about 5/6 other mums and these aren’t just jokey comments.
I was sent a long serious text from another mother expressing her concern for me and my daughters and how her and the other mums would be there to support me get out of the relationship.
It’s like I said he was a convicted sex offender!

I guess I’m just ranting I already know I’m not being unreasonable but surely they could just be less bitchy and worry about their own relationships?

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 11/01/2018 09:41

Seems a strange career choice for a man so respectful of women, photographing topless 18 year olds, but whatever.

abilockhart · 11/01/2018 09:42

Like the poster above, I also have lots of school mum friends I’ve known for years and I also don’t know what most of the partners do for a living.

I don't think I've ever discussed with any of them know what DH does.

I'm rather intrigued why you would discuss it. It seems as if you are seeking validation.

FreudianSlurp · 11/01/2018 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abilockhart · 11/01/2018 09:43

That should be:
I don't think I've ever discussed what DH does.

Fitbitironic · 11/01/2018 09:47

I'm saying it's hypocritical of these women to asssume OPs partner is a danger to kids for photographing tits when their husbands probably look at them!
I don't disagree with you there. My view though, is that the same women would possibly not like their husbands looking at porn either, and I think in their heads it would be two very different things anyway - passive views as opposed to deliberate involvement.
Anyhow, although op asked why these women were so bitchy, and has been answered, she's still not taking on board the fact that someone is always going to be offended by it in a decent sized, community group which is representative of the population. Luckily she hadn't encountered negative opinions previously, although it was bound to happen at some point. 5 or 6 mum's from the school isn't a large sample, I'm guessing, and there are always a small core group who like to bitch about others no matter what. Pathetic drama llamas, get kicks out of working themselves into a state of righteous indignation over something which is none of their business. Knew one once. Best thing I ever did was stop seeing her.
Just ignore, op, it will die a death if you don't feed it. But seriously, not everyone thinks glamour photography is a nice 'respectable' job, and it's not your place to try and persuade them otherwise.

Original poster
motherfiver · 11/01/2018 09:48

Again I was asked about what my partner does! The woman already knew photographer as we had spoken about how he takes our dc school photos so we won't buy them off the school, that came up in conversation. On this occasion she asked further. So I answered further.
Me and DP actually met through a glamour model I was friends with, So it comes up In that conversation too.
Dp's Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, website are all linked and if the mums were ever to see one of them they could of found out from there.
Again it's not a secret! Why should I keep it one.

OP posts:
Hippydippydoo · 11/01/2018 09:50

Jeez op, some people are so up tight! I don't think there is anything wrong with
A) your husband's job
B) you telling people about your husband's job

If they don't like it, then they can change the topic, but to then behave differently around you is childish.

Some people need to get over themselves, really!

As for those likening it to the porn industry, and alluding to all women in the porn industry being exploited, this simply isn't true. For starters, what op husband does isn't porn, and secondly, whilst there is no denying that there are women exploited through the porn industry which is of course terrible, there are many who are actively proud of their work in the porn industry. I have actually met a few women through my own work who work in the problem industry and believe me, they know EXACTLY what they are doing.

FreudianSlurp · 11/01/2018 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fitbitironic · 11/01/2018 09:51

^ ERM, because it's causing you grief?
Don't make a big thing, just don't give contentious details either. Easy.

Original poster
motherfiver · 11/01/2018 09:53

@FreudianSlurp

Because it's not relevant to this post, the problem isn't from what he does now. He didn't do one specific thing know, he's a general photographer who does jobs he's asked to do, he's mainly been doing wildlife photography abroad, if I was asked about that then I would answer about that

OP posts:
Fitbitironic · 11/01/2018 09:57

there are many who are actively proud of their work in the porn industry
And? Are we supposed to applaud their career choice? Irrelevant.

Hippydippydoo · 11/01/2018 09:58

@fitbitironic not irrelevant when pp insinuate that all those in porn are exploited, suggesting that op husband is contributing to this, which he is not.

Why so aggy about their choice of work anyway? Doesn't affect you!

Fitbitironic · 11/01/2018 09:58

Jesus Christ, you're like a stuck record, op. Without taking onboard any other opinions offered. I'm out.

FreudianSlurp · 11/01/2018 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
motherfiver · 11/01/2018 09:59

@Fitbitironic

No you don't have to applaud anyone for anything, you just don't need to be a bitch if it isn't your sort of thing!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 11/01/2018 09:59

"Again it's not a secret! Why should I keep it one."

No reason at all. But people will make judgements based on what you choose to say.

Nanny0gg · 11/01/2018 10:00

Why have you asked?

You've had an overwhelming response that most posters have agreed with the mums.
Most have told you that you're oversharing.
Many have given you legitimate answers you could have used. (Portrait photography is a reasonable description; he was taking photos of people)

My DS has now moved into a totally different field to the one he originally trained for. I doubt anyone he's met recently knows that (or cares)

So carry on as you are. Just don't be surprised when you get the same reactions.

Fitbitironic · 11/01/2018 10:00

hippy, posted before seeing your last post just now... I don't consider that relevant because neither op nor the reported text/statements from the mum's mentioned anything about porn.

BertrandRussell · 11/01/2018 10:01

"there are many who are actively proud of their work in the porn industry"
Are they? How incredibly tragic. Or how incredibly unpleasant-depending on their reasons.

Hippydippydoo · 11/01/2018 10:03

@fitbitironic I think you will find porn has been mentioned on the first page...

Fitbitironic · 11/01/2018 10:05

No you don't have to applaud anyone for anything, you just don't need to be a bitch if it isn't your sort of thing!
And I've already said as much, more than once, I believe. Yet you still don't seem to understand some ppl don't like or agree with that Lind of thing. And as I said, you'll always get those bitches around. You just gave them a bunch of ammunition and are still wondering why. (When loads have ppl have explained it ad nauseum.) Until you take that onboard you'll continue to be massively offended by them.

specialsubject · 11/01/2018 10:07

Bet they are all fans of the Essex tv show girls who make their money by unzip and shove. Assuming all concerned are consenting adults, wheres the problem? Easy cash.

Time4adrink · 11/01/2018 10:08

@motherfiver sorry but I would think you are an immature drama llama weirdo and avoid you for that reason.
Because you feel the need to share irrelevant detailed information about your DH’s old job. You say his current job is general photography, so why the need to reference glamour? You say because it relates to him taking photos of your DC - really??? You seem to feel the need to specify the job of the mutual friend who introduced the two of you, why? What reason would I have for looking at my friend’s husband’s Instagram or twitter feed etc? Yes I could if I wanted to, but I have no interest in them.
Take a look at your need for validation, over-sharing and drama.

RhiannonOHara · 11/01/2018 10:08

I would send a very crisp reply to that text indicating that you would appreciate it if she and the others would keep their noses out of it.

All the pearl-clutchers on here can piss off too.

Hippydippydoo · 11/01/2018 10:08

Op, don't worry, there are women out there who would not be offended by you talking about your husband's job, you have just been unfortunate enough to be surrounded by the closed minded.

Had you told me your husband's job, I would not have batted an eyelid, in fact, it would be quite interesting to me.

There are plenty of women secure enough in their own skin to not get their knickers in a twist about this, I hope you meet some soon!