Disabled pregnant friend, AIBU?

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Please help! My friend has just discovered she is pregnant. She has a learning disability serious enough that she needs a carer. She is kind and sweet and a joy to be around but she isn't able to cope on her own (she needs help with anything financial, buying food etc). She can't cope with any loud noises, she has to leave the room. She struggles as well with any problems, she will get upset and repeat herself, asking the same question over and over until someone helps her. However she is so excited at the thought of being a mum.

Her partner has no disability but is convinced she'll learn how to look after the baby and he can carry on with his life and work as normal. I want to shake him.

I am terrified that she has no idea of what being a parent really means and nor does her partner. So, am I being unreasonable to be really scared for her and the baby, and honestly think this is a bad idea? Anyone been in a similar situation? What help will they get in terms of care? Will her partner be expected to stay home to care for the baby? Will they be given childcare to cover the hours her partner is at work (this is what they think will happen).
Thank you all in advance.

I understand you may have concerns- but as a friend your job is to say congratulations, share in her excitement and offer to help with anything she wants you to.
None of us know first time round how we are going to cope and I certainly surprised myself tolerating things from my children that I couldn't handle from others.
I hope that all goes well for her

OP did send me a PM. She's not been goady, she genuinely wants to help her friend get the right support. So that's a good thing, right?

FWIW I've known families where two parents have LD and have successfully raised children, and mums who have had to give their up their children because they have had the love but not the skills needed to care for a child. It is never straightforward and is often heartbreaking - a mothers love is a mothers love.

There are lots of parents who treat their children very badly who get by unnoticed by services but parents with learning disabilities are always immediately under the spotlight. They deserve to be treated as individuals, not branded 'incapable' before all the facts have been established.

A baby isn't just a cute plaything to love and cuddle. Even NT physically able babies are hard work, as are crawlers, toddlers, children and teenagers. This is a person who's needs must be prioritised. Can the mother adequately feed, clothe, mentally stimulate the child? Can she plan for the child in terms of next week and beyond? Can she predict his/her needs, respond appropriately and treat the child according to what's expected at every age?

Allowing someone to 'give it a go and see' with the care of a child seems pretty irresponsible to me.

Its not disablism to look at an individual's ability to cope and manage and judge that it is not conducive to basic expectations of parenting. I feel for the poor child.

countless? They would get full maternity leave, so hardly similar anyway. A father can't take a year off, how would they live?

On universal credit? Good luck with that.

You're so determined to look so wonderfully accepting that you ignore reality. Keep throwing about the totally irrelavant crap about all disabled parents, its insulting and offensive but thats not suprising

Just re-read the original post. There's something in there we all seem to have missed!

The OP states that her friend and friend's partner think/expect that they will get childcare provided for them (presumably free, unless he can afford to pay for it) whilst he is at work. That sounds to me like they themselves acknowledge that OP's friend would not be capable of looking after a child by herself.

If the partner earns enough to afford what would presumably be a large sum on childcare to enable them to cope, then fair enough. Doesn't sound like that's the case though.

If, on the other hand, they cannot afford it and the local authorit won't pay for it, then given that even they themselves appear to recognise she needs it and wouldn't be able to cope without it, they are in deep shit.

Personally I think it's fucking selfish to bring a child into the world that you know you are incapable of looking after by yourself and expect the rest of the world to step up and pay for you to have full time care for both you and your child just so you can have the fulfilment of feeling like a mother without actually being able to take on any of the responsibility yourself.

I feel hugely sorry for the poor kid.

Personally I think it's fucking selfish to bring a child into the world that you know you are incapable of looking after by yourself and expect the rest of the world to step up and pay for you to have full time care for both you and your child just so you can have the fulfilment of feeling like a mother without actually being able to take on any of the responsibility yourself

Well, depending on her LD she may not fully understand what a huge undertaking becoming a parent is. I don’t think it is selfish if that is the case, it’s just very unfortunate and a sign that the person might need some extra support.

where is the OP who is so worried?

DuchyOfGrandFenwick - do you not think that the fact she expects she will just get given (free) childcare whenever her partner is at work means she does already recognise that she's not capable of looking after the kid by herself?

Quite, @Samcro 🙄

Samcro and BishopBrennansArse - another poster above has already confirmed that OP has messaged her privately for further helpful information she had offered to provide re support services available. I don't think the OP was posting out of anything other than genuine concern...

LD or not, a lot of people expect there's more help available with childcare. It's also very unkind to call her selfish.

Also, if she gets help with things like shopping, she might imagine it's normal to get help with a baby as well.

Bit surprised her partner doesn't manage shopping and all that, but SS might feel better to have regular contact with her.

I think it is very harsh to say that people with disabilities should not become parents, or that it is selfish of them to do so, just because they will require extra help. Many people require state funded help to become parents or take on parenting responsibilities, ie. Fertility treatment, medical treatment to enable them to function better before or after becoming a parent, state financial support. I know it is not an easy issue and not every case will be one where becoming a parent is the right choice. I would stop and think though....if your own child had disabilities that meant they would require support but wanted a child themselves...would you just tell them not to be so 'fucking selfish'?

If they have to have fertility treatment they are assessed beforehand. It comes under the umbrella of people with certain criminal convictions, mental health issues and addiction issues which fall under fertility treatments duty to consider 'the welfare of the child'.

Clinics tend to be reasonably laissez faire over this and err away from the side of caution. But I would certainly expect LDs severe enough to warrant a carer to trigger red flags and possibly involvement and assessment with SS pre treatment.

This was certainly the case in the clinic I worked in. Some people were approved, some weren't.

if your own child had disabilities that meant they would require support but wanted a child themselves...would you just tell them not to be so 'fucking selfish'?

And to add to that, just to answer your question. Yes, there were cases where parents were non-supportive and often vocally so. Many were in a position where they were already giving some level of care to the child concerned and realised that much of the care of and responsibility for any resulting baby would fall to them. Or they were simply realistic.

It's for anything that they do in assisted conception units in the NHS. So IUI, IVF, ICSI. That's when they're obliged to do it.

Just for the benefit of people who seem to think I kicked this wasps nest just to 'get attention', to 'goad' you all or to be in any way judgemental, I can promise you that's not the case.

I haven't posted again because there were some particularly nasty messages that really upset me and I felt stepping away might convince them I really wasn't interested in the attention, I had been given the information I needed and couldn't see any benefit from posting again. It's amazing some of you think the number of posts I make on here tells you how much I care about my friend, shame on you.

I followed the advice of the several kind posters above who seem to have professional knowledge in this area. I contacted social care in her area. Adult social care said they couldn't help as this isn't their responsibility, I was passed on to the childrens' social care team who were kind and helpful. They have arranged to visit my friend and talk to her and set the ball rolling so she has all support in place, they will be doing this asap.

For what it's worth I think my friend and her partner would be able to cope as parents but there's more to life than coping. I want her to be happy. Before getting pregnant my friend was happy, possibly for the first time in her life. I also don't think kids make everyone happy, they can and do destroy couples because they are time consuming, expensive and hugely stressful. Her partner is a good man and wouldn't let his child suffer. He will take on being a full time parent, I have no doubt of that. But I don't think he would be happy because that isn't the decision he thinks he is making! All I want for my friend is for her to make the best decision for her to have a happy life and right now she doesn't have all the information. One thing I do know for certain is that if she has this baby and then loses her partner (and with him caring for the baby the baby would move out too) her heart will be broken. I will do anything I can to protect her from that pain.

Info here from the HFEA. Covers all those services. It's basically anything where sperm or eggs are collected outside the body:

www.hfea.gov.uk/code-of-practice/8

OP, glad you found the help you needed.

Thank you Eltons, I can see your points. All I really saying was that simply requiring public funds be spent to enable you to parent doesn't seem to offend people if it is IVF or similar, but does if it is through social care. I can see that long term the social care may be much costlier though.

OP, I am glad you have found some assistance and hope things work out for your friend.