Disabled pregnant friend, AIBU?

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Please help! My friend has just discovered she is pregnant. She has a learning disability serious enough that she needs a carer. She is kind and sweet and a joy to be around but she isn't able to cope on her own (she needs help with anything financial, buying food etc). She can't cope with any loud noises, she has to leave the room. She struggles as well with any problems, she will get upset and repeat herself, asking the same question over and over until someone helps her. However she is so excited at the thought of being a mum.

Her partner has no disability but is convinced she'll learn how to look after the baby and he can carry on with his life and work as normal. I want to shake him.

I am terrified that she has no idea of what being a parent really means and nor does her partner. So, am I being unreasonable to be really scared for her and the baby, and honestly think this is a bad idea? Anyone been in a similar situation? What help will they get in terms of care? Will her partner be expected to stay home to care for the baby? Will they be given childcare to cover the hours her partner is at work (this is what they think will happen).
Thank you all in advance.

However if he doesn’t give her that support it is entirely possible that this child will be removed for its safety rather than because she has done anything wrong. And yes, I would absolutely bloody judge the able bodied partner of a woman with severe learning difficulties if he allows their child to be removed because he refuses to step up to the plate. And I would absolutely question what kind of partner he was, and whether he was in fact controlling on other levels including a sexual one if he got a woman with limited understanding and capacity pregnant and then allowed her to go through the pain of having a child removed. That has absolutely nothing to do with thinking that people with learning disabilities are coerced into having sex and everything to do with the fact that someone with limited capacity and understanding is an easy target for someone wanting to take advantage.

I would imagine social services will get involved and assess whether or not the baby can be safely looked after by the parents. It might be that she can learn what she needs to look after the baby with the support of her partner and some outside help. There was a women on one born who had a brain injury and she was supported by her husband and other carers. Perhaps you could advise her to be open to any help available.

The adults I work with, some live semi independently, they have a carer who goes in sometimes just once or twice a week to take them to the bank to withdraw money, support them with their shopping. Sounds very much like the level of care this lady has.

Not a single one of them would be safe to look after a baby alone.

The best thing for her to do is ask for support from the NHS and other relevant services for her issues during pregnancy as soon as possible and not to hide anything from them or fail to continue to work with them.

Maybe they could talk some reality into her partner too.

One of my cousins I grew up with has learning disabilities and her husband has physical disabilities, so I was concerned several years ago when I heard she was pregnant but she and her husband have been great with their son.

Social workers will assess the risks

What? and non-disabled people make great parents? FFS.

@LoverOfCake yes and that decision is made by professionals who are equipped to assess and take appropriate action.

It is still not appropriate and it is disablist to be speculating on a chat forum whether or not someone is a fit parent or not purely because of their disability.

The OP may or may not be in possession of all the facts. She's certainly not local and doesn't live with this person. She's not a professional trained to assess this person and if she was it would be a confidentiality breach anyway.

None of us here are able to discuss this factually.

The only appropriate response which isn't disablist is to signpost the OP to professional services who can assess and take action if necessary.

Speculation on whether a person is fit to parent because of their disability is disablist.

Horrible thread dressed up as concern.

What? and non-disabled people make great parents? FFS

What does that even mean?

It's not about disabled vs non disabled, ffs. It's about a specific case where one persons specific disabilities MAY make it unlikely that they can actual care for a child. To hear some of you you would think this is impossible to ever happen.
This is not about disabled rights, this is about childrens rights. And that childs right to parents that can care for it properly.
That's it.

Children aren’t removed “because their parents have LDs. The only concern raised about this Mum is she has LD

Children are removed from their parents because they can't care for them. If that is because of their disability that is sad but necessary. It is not because they have LD's, it is because those LD's make it necessary to remove the child.

This should not need explaining.

@BishopBrennansArse Hear hear.

I worked at a unit for young mothers supporting a new mum with learning difficulties. She had a member of staff with her at all times but retained sole responsibility for all baby care.

I am sure there will be provision for her and the safety of her baby will be closely monitored by social services.

To be honest, when you look at the parenting of some people without learning difficulties who neglect and abuse their children, there is no reason to think that she will be an unfit mother.

I agree situp, SS will come and access her and her partner. May well provide a package of care for them, so that the baby can stay with the mother as long as possible. really some people without learning disabilities neglect and treat their kids badly. I agree, my concern is about the partner taking advantage of her vulnerability, and possible abuse in the relationship.

OP you sound eminently sensible and caring. It does seem to be a disaster waiting to happen unfortunately.

situp was the woman you worked with in the centre there to have her parenting assessed? What kind of assessment did social services do?

I am pregnant and disabled ( I have a physical disability and mental health problems rather than learning difficulties ). I am worried that I might have to go through this.

@zzzzz The only thing that's horrible on this thread is comparing forcibly removing children from their parents care based on nothing more than ethnicity with potentially removing a baby from the care of a parent who can't even look after herself without a carer. That and the fact that you don't seem to have problem with children having to be careers, I find deeply troubling...

I don’t have a problem with anyone caring for anyone else

I'm sure the ten year olds helping their parents with tasks they shouldn't even have heard of thank you for your concern.
How can anyone not care about child carers?

My expectations here are loaded on what the father will do rather than the limitations of the mother.
He sounds clueless just now, but that's the norm if he doesn't have other children. The onus is on him to step up to parenthood.

I don't see how. But you have your agenda.

I know a lady with an LD and has similarities with your friend OP. Unable to cope in similar situations.
She's a lovely woman who adores children but unfortunately she is cannot parent well enough to meet children's needs.

She's in a LTR with a married man, who has children of his own with his wife.
The lady I know and her 'DP' have had 5 babies, and all 5 have been removed and been placed into social care. Her 'DP' doesn't care and will continue to have sex with her without contraception.

Of course disabled people make amazing parents, I know several that are wonderful and are everything a child needs. Unfortunately some are not, and don't have the support required. It is not disablism to recognise an individuals limitations and what aspects they need help with.

I'm sorry I have no advice, I just understand how frustrating it can be to stand by and watch things like this unfold. OP you sound like a caring friend and person

What happened to the op, odd that some one was so concerned they posted this , yet disapeared,