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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask her to back off?

144 replies

Comebacktomefin · 10/01/2018 21:20

This is really long and I have name changed as I don’t want it linked to my other posts.

I’m single and 26 and work for a large organisation with loads of staff doing loads of different jobs. I’m office based and have, over the past few months, been flirting outrageously with another member of staff who I’ll call Fin. He’s 29 and works all over the site. Nothing has happened but it was getting to the point that if he didn’t ask me out I was goi g to ask him as it really felt like that was where we were heading.

At a staff event a month or so ago fin got into a bit of banter with another member of staff, Lucy (38 - 40 at a guess - I think the ages are relevant) who was hosting the evening. It was all over a microphone and very funny in the context of the night. Fin was sitting at my table and laughing about it with me.

Anyway as far as I know that was the first time that fin and Lucy had ever spoken to each other apart from pleasantries. he will have been to her office and completed jobs for her etc but he probably dealt with her team rather than her directly. She is quite senior in the organisation so wouldn’t necessarily instruct him or take any notice of him coming in and out of her building.

Since that night fin has completely withdrawn from me; he used to pop in for a chat when he passed my office and we would go and collect our lunch together sometimes. he doesn’t do either anymore and although he is perfectly nice when I do see him he definitely doesn’t speak to me as much.

But I have seen him talking to lucy a lot. They don’t go to the cafeteria together but when they’re in there they will be chatting or at least smiling/waving to one another. Also I have seen them talking around site which could be work related but it looks (to my sad lovelorn eyes anyway) like flirty banter

I know I sound tragic and stalkery but the thing is I think lucy is married, she definitely was previously. She could have separated but I haven’t heard anything about it and our work is fairly gossipy so it’s the kind of thing I feel I would have known about...

I have no real reason to speak to lucy at all. Our departments don’t cross over and she would speak to my boss rather than me if there was an issue. I have spoken to her in passing though and she does seem nice and she has a reputation in our workplace for being friendly and funny and a bit of a live wire

I just get the feeling that she is having what she thinks is a harmless laugh with a younger man but I think Fin is a bit smitten and therefore has withdrawn from me...

So WIBU to ask her to back off if it’s not serious for her? And if so how would i go about it?

OP posts:

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 10/01/2018 21:21

YABU, that would be nuts!

ScreamingValenta · 10/01/2018 21:23

Stay well out of this one, OP.

Rainboho · 10/01/2018 21:23

As a woman of 38-40 myself, if you came up to me and asked me to back off from a man you were not even dating, I would laugh in your face.

catsoup · 10/01/2018 21:24

Do not do it!
Speak to Fin, arrange to go to lunch together again and ask him out.

Hisnamesblaine · 10/01/2018 21:24

Or you could just talk to Finn!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/01/2018 21:26

You are kidding, right?

TheZeppo · 10/01/2018 21:26

Don't do that! If he wants to be with you, he'll be with you.

Also, my brother was 28 when he met his (then) 44 year old parent. I say without doubt they are an amazing couple who really shine together. Age means nothing.

tiptopteepe · 10/01/2018 21:26

Its Fin you need to be speaking to. Just ask him out.

TheZeppo · 10/01/2018 21:27

Partner, not parent. Obvs.

dreamies · 10/01/2018 21:27

Oh please for the love of god do not do that!
Maybe cool towards him, that sometimes gets them running back but don't go chasing him like a lost puppy.

Bostin · 10/01/2018 21:29

Fin’s a player and he’s bored of you now.

Wakeuptortoise · 10/01/2018 21:29

Sorry, how old did you say you were?

ImTakingTheEssence · 10/01/2018 21:30

Can't wait to see how this goes.. Yes tell her to back off

WitchesHatRim · 10/01/2018 21:30

So WIBU to ask her to back off if it’s not serious for her?

Errrrr yes!

RebelRogue · 10/01/2018 21:32

Yeah,sure why not? What could possibly go wrong?

Glumglowworm · 10/01/2018 21:32

YABVU

the age gap is not really relevant since it’s a pretty normal gap, it’s not extreme.

Either speak to Fin and ask him out or don’t, whatever you want to do. But you absolutely should not speak to this woman about him. Or to him about her.

You will become known as the crazy bitch regardless of whether anything is actually going on.

MadMags · 10/01/2018 21:32

So WIBU to ask her to back off if it’s not serious for her?

WTF? Are you on a wind up, OP????

Ataglance · 10/01/2018 21:33

Do not tell her to back off! Particularly if your place of work is gossipy. What if she tells him? That would be very embarrassing!

Agree with previous posters. If he wants to be with you then he will ask you out. Be a bit more aloof and see what happens. But don't pin any hopes on him. He sounds fickle at best.

RemainOptimistic · 10/01/2018 21:33

It's quite common for people in the workplace to go a little bit loopy. It's an intense environment. I mean think about it, if you work full time you spend more of your waking hours with your colleagues than your partner. I've seen people both male and female embark on very intense relationships at work that never go beyond flirting and banter. It's so common to be "played" as it were.

You both enjoyed the flirting, he's moved on, leave it there OP.

Umakemefeellikedancing · 10/01/2018 21:33

Just no

Whatififall · 10/01/2018 21:34

Do not do this. It would be crazy.

If you're really bothered speak to fin. DO NOT ask lucy to back off.

Idontdowindows · 10/01/2018 21:34

Very, very, very, very, very unreasonable.

And you'd make yourself look very very very very very silly.

tatree · 10/01/2018 21:34

You have no claim to him, he is your friend. Telling someone to ‘back off’ will make you look weird and more than likely scare the bloke you’re chasing off.

boosterrooster · 10/01/2018 21:35

Oh dear, please don't say anything to her

Try reignite things with Fin...get the flirting going again but don't mention the other woman as you'll come across as a bit nuts TBH

Wilburissomepig · 10/01/2018 21:36

Dear god woman, please do not do this. 'Fin' will think you're out of your mind and the rest of your gossipy office will be pissing themselves laughing at you.

If he's interested in you, he would still be talking to you like before, so I think you need to accept that it's not going to happen. (Not nice, I know). If you say anything to anyone like this you'll look like a fruit loop.

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