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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask her to back off?

144 replies

Comebacktomefin · 10/01/2018 21:20

This is really long and I have name changed as I don’t want it linked to my other posts.

I’m single and 26 and work for a large organisation with loads of staff doing loads of different jobs. I’m office based and have, over the past few months, been flirting outrageously with another member of staff who I’ll call Fin. He’s 29 and works all over the site. Nothing has happened but it was getting to the point that if he didn’t ask me out I was goi g to ask him as it really felt like that was where we were heading.

At a staff event a month or so ago fin got into a bit of banter with another member of staff, Lucy (38 - 40 at a guess - I think the ages are relevant) who was hosting the evening. It was all over a microphone and very funny in the context of the night. Fin was sitting at my table and laughing about it with me.

Anyway as far as I know that was the first time that fin and Lucy had ever spoken to each other apart from pleasantries. he will have been to her office and completed jobs for her etc but he probably dealt with her team rather than her directly. She is quite senior in the organisation so wouldn’t necessarily instruct him or take any notice of him coming in and out of her building.

Since that night fin has completely withdrawn from me; he used to pop in for a chat when he passed my office and we would go and collect our lunch together sometimes. he doesn’t do either anymore and although he is perfectly nice when I do see him he definitely doesn’t speak to me as much.

But I have seen him talking to lucy a lot. They don’t go to the cafeteria together but when they’re in there they will be chatting or at least smiling/waving to one another. Also I have seen them talking around site which could be work related but it looks (to my sad lovelorn eyes anyway) like flirty banter

I know I sound tragic and stalkery but the thing is I think lucy is married, she definitely was previously. She could have separated but I haven’t heard anything about it and our work is fairly gossipy so it’s the kind of thing I feel I would have known about...

I have no real reason to speak to lucy at all. Our departments don’t cross over and she would speak to my boss rather than me if there was an issue. I have spoken to her in passing though and she does seem nice and she has a reputation in our workplace for being friendly and funny and a bit of a live wire

I just get the feeling that she is having what she thinks is a harmless laugh with a younger man but I think Fin is a bit smitten and therefore has withdrawn from me...

So WIBU to ask her to back off if it’s not serious for her? And if so how would i go about it?

OP posts:
Glitterkitten24 · 10/01/2018 21:56

Noooo! I’m cringing just at the thought of how that conversation would go.

Honestly, nothing good will come of that plan of action. Lucy will think you’re batshit and will be unlikely to change her actions.
Fin will find out and avoid you forever more for being controlling when you aren’t even in a relationship.
You’ll be the talk of the steamie (workplace).

Please don’t.

Honestpotato · 10/01/2018 21:56

This is delightfully cringey Grin

mummymummums · 10/01/2018 21:57

Good Lord. No no and no again. Do not do this.

QueenUnicorn · 10/01/2018 22:00

Hahahahaha, do it, I'd love to see the update!

bingbongnoise · 10/01/2018 22:01

Oh dear OP you sound about 15. I don't usually like to say stuff like this, as everyone is entitled to be a bit irrational and childish, but you just sound daft.

Seriously, you sound like one of the lasses of 'Mean Girls!'

Get a grip, seriously!

AIBU to ask her to back off?
scrabbler3 · 10/01/2018 22:02

He's probably got a crush on this older, senior-level, married woman. She must seem exciting to him. You're available, and therefore less thrilling.

Don't get involved OP.

MaidOfStars · 10/01/2018 22:03

I can only reiterate an early poster.

If I were Lucy, I’d laugh in your face.

overnightangel · 10/01/2018 22:07

Are you 12?
Or just a Psycho hose beast?

Knittedfairies · 10/01/2018 22:07

Bingbong thinks you sound 15: I say 13.

Chunkymonkey217 · 10/01/2018 22:11

Let’s say you did speak to Finn and tell him that you liked him etc and he did go on a date with you. Would you really be happy? You could end up feeling second best to Lucy. Any man that would drop you like that to flirt with someone else is NOT worth your time. Fuck him off and find someone better OP, he sounds like a player.

Butterymuffin · 10/01/2018 22:11

You'd get better results by letting Fin see you flirting (or having enjoyable conversations, if you prefer) with other people in your workplace, and you'll look less desperate that way. Tbh though he sounds shallow and probably not worth it.

Rudi44 · 10/01/2018 22:11

You may need to spell it out for me, why is her age relevant?
You run the risk of seriously embarrassing yourself if you ask her to back off, you and this guy are not in a relationship, whatever they do is up to them. You mention you think she is married, but you don't seem sure, you also don't know anything about her or her situation so you really should just take the hint and move on.

bingbongnoise · 10/01/2018 22:13

@KnittedFairies

Bingbong thinks you sound 15: I say 13.

Grin
NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 10/01/2018 22:14

Yes I absolutely think you should tell her to back off... then immediately come back on here & tell us what happened Hmm

Amaried · 10/01/2018 22:17

Sweet Jesus please don't.
It sounds like he has met her and has his head turned.
To be honest if he was interested in you I think something would have happened by now.
Plenty more fish in the sea and all of that.

DreamyMcDreamy · 10/01/2018 22:19

This can't be real! Comebacktomefin? Erm, hate to break it to you but he wasn't with you in the first place!
You're going to look like a complete and utter lunatic bunny boiler if you say anything.
He is allowed to talk to other people! Ask him out if it bothers you that much. Easier said than done I know, but don't do the bunny boiler thing.

CheshireChat · 10/01/2018 22:21

Her age is only relevant if you and Fin are about 16.

This sounds like the plot to a movie.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/01/2018 22:23

It may even be the case that he didn't drop you because of Lucy, he dropped you because he was originally just being friendly and suddenly detected mad-cow vibes from you and decided to back off as fast as he could.

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2018 22:25

Oh god I actually burst out in shocked laughter when I read that. Folks post the craziest shit.

Op, it's good you are not going to do this. Really. It's also natural to wish she would back off and not speak to him, in thr hope he might then show an interest in you again.

However you cannot do this as an adult.

Why, well firstly she will think you are deranged.
Secondly, so will everyone else because she will tell someone who will tell someone.
Fin will think your a bunny boiler and be clear on how upset he is on you dictating who he can be friends with,
She may be deeply offended becayse she's just talking to him. The interest may be from his side. Or there may be no interest from his side they are just friends.
The fact he doesn't come see you may be unrelated to him talking to this woman,

So think hard. The night of the event, how did you react? Did you show signs of jealousy? I would probably think there was something that's put this man off.

Or he wasn't ever interested he was just being friendly and realised, possibly at the event, it was different for you, so he's backed off for your sake.

mamato3lads · 10/01/2018 22:29

Its a resounding no, never ever do stuff like this , people will think you're a psycho .. im clenching my bum cheeks just thinking about the deep levels of shame you would bring on yourself. Ask him out , you only live once and even if he said no it would be a million times less embarassing than what you're proposing x good luck Smile

octonaught · 10/01/2018 22:30

I have just reread the thread.
Looks like the OP was just "flirting outrageously" with Fin & he was just being polite.
At the staff "do" Fin was smitten by Lucy's personality.
Sinc then, I think OP has been acting very stalkerish

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2018 22:32

I'm clenching my bum cheeks just thinking about the deep levels of shame you would bring on yourself

Me too. It's genuinely the first thread on here that's actually made my whole body tense up at the thought of the toe curling embarassemnt of it.

Solly76 · 10/01/2018 22:32

I wouldn't do that if I were you. It's none of your business if they flirt, regardless of whether or not she is married. You and Finn are not in a relationship and you have no claim on him. She will think you're unhinged, and may also spread it around the office leaving you feeling rather embarrassed.

If you like him then try and see if you can reignite the spark and take it from there. If he's not interested in you then accept it and move on.

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2018 22:35

I would sadly suspect something occurred that evening that made fin realise you liked him much more than as friends and that's why he's backed off, nothing to do with Lucy. I'd guess he was just being friendly and uou read it as something else. Sorry op 💐

bingbongnoise · 10/01/2018 22:36

Meanwhile, this is the current situation in Lucy's kitchen, (after the OP paid her a visit in her absence.)

.
Grin

AIBU to ask her to back off?