AIBU to ask her to back off?

[Comebacktomefin]

This is really long and I have name changed as I don’t want it linked to my other posts.

I’m single and 26 and work for a large organisation with loads of staff doing loads of different jobs. I’m office based and have, over the past few months, been flirting outrageously with another member of staff who I’ll call Fin. He’s 29 and works all over the site. Nothing has happened but it was getting to the point that if he didn’t ask me out I was goi g to ask him as it really felt like that was where we were heading.

At a staff event a month or so ago fin got into a bit of banter with another member of staff, Lucy (38 - 40 at a guess - I think the ages are relevant) who was hosting the evening. It was all over a microphone and very funny in the context of the night. Fin was sitting at my table and laughing about it with me.

Anyway as far as I know that was the first time that fin and Lucy had ever spoken to each other apart from pleasantries. he will have been to her office and completed jobs for her etc but he probably dealt with her team rather than her directly. She is quite senior in the organisation so wouldn’t necessarily instruct him or take any notice of him coming in and out of her building.

Since that night fin has completely withdrawn from me; he used to pop in for a chat when he passed my office and we would go and collect our lunch together sometimes. he doesn’t do either anymore and although he is perfectly nice when I do see him he definitely doesn’t speak to me as much.

But I have seen him talking to lucy a lot. They don’t go to the cafeteria together but when they’re in there they will be chatting or at least smiling/waving to one another. Also I have seen them talking around site which could be work related but it looks (to my sad lovelorn eyes anyway) like flirty banter

I know I sound tragic and stalkery but the thing is I think lucy is married, she definitely was previously. She could have separated but I haven’t heard anything about it and our work is fairly gossipy so it’s the kind of thing I feel I would have known about...

I have no real reason to speak to lucy at all. Our departments don’t cross over and she would speak to my boss rather than me if there was an issue. I have spoken to her in passing though and she does seem nice and she has a reputation in our workplace for being friendly and funny and a bit of a live wire

I just get the feeling that she is having what she thinks is a harmless laugh with a younger man but I think Fin is a bit smitten and therefore has withdrawn from me...

So WIBU to ask her to back off if it’s not serious for her? And if so how would i go about it?

38 - 40 at a guess - I think the ages are relevant

I'm confused. I've reread the OP and I still don't understand why the ages are relevant? Please explain OP.

CountFosco yes, now I've picked up my jaw from the floor, the OP said that in quite a serious way.

OP, why are the ages so relevant?

Dear I actually laughed out loud at that meme.

Poor Fin. We only have OP’s possibly less than reliable word for it that he was flirting at all!

What he’s actually done is got on well with more than one woman in the office. Hardly unprofessional is it?

I'm confused. I've reread the OP and I still don't understand why the ages are relevant? Please explain OP.

I presumed, perhaps wrongly, that OP assumes that there can be no legitimate reason why a man might be attracted to a woman older than herself, and that women aged 38-40 should be sexless crones.

or maybe the OP thinks that 38-40 women seduce everything in sight in order to have a BEHBEH!!!

40 here. If you did that to me at work, I’d report you to HR.

He’s not into you. Lucy is irrelevant.

Poor Finn, being batted around the bloody office.

He picks who he’s interested, hen it’s either reciprocated or not. But if he’s no longer interested, sadly, you know you have to respect that.

Although, if you smashed up a radiator so he had to visit , I wouldn’t blame you for that.

When I was a lot younger I might have thought this way ie that a man I fancied, who I had friendly chats with, was interested in shagging me. It often turned out not to be the case but luckily I never got as far as wanting to warn other people off... (though it's embarrassing enough when you gear yourself up to ask someone out and they turn you down, however nicely they do it.)
Don't worry too much, OP. You haven't made a twat of yourself beyond any deniability. Yet.

or maybe the OP thinks that 38-40 women seduce everything in sight in order to have a BEHBEH!!!

It's a common misconception among 20s that women of this age if single are some kind of desperate old hags.

I have an old colleague who has a disability: cerebral palsy. His girlfriend also has it but far more severely than him as it effects his arm mainly but has no issues walking. He can drive and do pretty much anything he wants. His gf needs a full time carer and is wheelchair bound. They are early 20s. He told me they had issues with the carer and he slagged her off and said she is "forty fucking two, single and desperate and probably jealous of us and our love."

I immediately said watch your tongue, young man as I am late 30s, single, happy and you are on very shaky ground with that statement.

They dont have the maturity to get that long term monogamous relationships are actually fucking boring and no one is jealous of them. Whatever issues the carer had was not jealousy that her client had a boyfriend.

OP assumes that there can be no legitimate reason why a man might be attracted to a woman older than herself, and that women aged 38-40 should be sexless crones
OP will, like many women, reach 40 and realise her sex drive has gone through the roof and she is now all kinds of confident, witty and wise.

And then she will look at 25 year olds, with their fresh faces and their ideas about older women stealing men they never had, and understand that she could wipe the floor in a Make This Fella Want Me competition.

"Flirting outrageously" at work...do people really do this?!

My goodness LUCY sounds so much more interesting to a young, friendly, flirty possibly handsome and charming young man than you OP,

Why? Because the majority of young men find witty, older women in positions of seniority a real turn on.

It's only older men who prefer younger models.

Sorry op, you are jealous and have a misplaced crush. Time will heal.

FWIW, even if I had a massive crush on someone and really wanted to take it further, I'd consider it a giant red flag and completely lose interest if I found out they'd asked someone else to back off because they were interested.
That's just three kinds of nope.

You'd look a bit nuts. And if they were quite close then she might tell him and it might freak him out or anger him.

Abso-bloody-lutely.

I want an update on Lucy and Fin! Female Fin, please come back!

Me too!

Awww the OP is probably dying inside now!

We’ve all had batshit thoughts, she’s just articulated them (but thankfully not acted on them!!!). I don’t have the heart to crucify her anymore than she is.

OP, it’s harsh but sound advice.

My best advice at this point is find a few frivolous blind dates or something, have fun, then look at Finn again. You really won’t look at him the same in a few months, if he’s fickle it’s just not meant to be this one- but he’s probably nothing too special anyway

If you did and she did, and he started showing interest in you again, he would only be doing it because she wasnt interested so you'd be second best, would you be happy with that?