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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask her to back off?

144 replies

Comebacktomefin · 10/01/2018 21:20

This is really long and I have name changed as I don’t want it linked to my other posts.

I’m single and 26 and work for a large organisation with loads of staff doing loads of different jobs. I’m office based and have, over the past few months, been flirting outrageously with another member of staff who I’ll call Fin. He’s 29 and works all over the site. Nothing has happened but it was getting to the point that if he didn’t ask me out I was goi g to ask him as it really felt like that was where we were heading.

At a staff event a month or so ago fin got into a bit of banter with another member of staff, Lucy (38 - 40 at a guess - I think the ages are relevant) who was hosting the evening. It was all over a microphone and very funny in the context of the night. Fin was sitting at my table and laughing about it with me.

Anyway as far as I know that was the first time that fin and Lucy had ever spoken to each other apart from pleasantries. he will have been to her office and completed jobs for her etc but he probably dealt with her team rather than her directly. She is quite senior in the organisation so wouldn’t necessarily instruct him or take any notice of him coming in and out of her building.

Since that night fin has completely withdrawn from me; he used to pop in for a chat when he passed my office and we would go and collect our lunch together sometimes. he doesn’t do either anymore and although he is perfectly nice when I do see him he definitely doesn’t speak to me as much.

But I have seen him talking to lucy a lot. They don’t go to the cafeteria together but when they’re in there they will be chatting or at least smiling/waving to one another. Also I have seen them talking around site which could be work related but it looks (to my sad lovelorn eyes anyway) like flirty banter

I know I sound tragic and stalkery but the thing is I think lucy is married, she definitely was previously. She could have separated but I haven’t heard anything about it and our work is fairly gossipy so it’s the kind of thing I feel I would have known about...

I have no real reason to speak to lucy at all. Our departments don’t cross over and she would speak to my boss rather than me if there was an issue. I have spoken to her in passing though and she does seem nice and she has a reputation in our workplace for being friendly and funny and a bit of a live wire

I just get the feeling that she is having what she thinks is a harmless laugh with a younger man but I think Fin is a bit smitten and therefore has withdrawn from me...

So WIBU to ask her to back off if it’s not serious for her? And if so how would i go about it?

OP posts:
Firefries · 10/01/2018 22:36

Yes it is a bit teen movie-ish OP. In real life you wouldn't approach her and say this sort of thing. You might actually ask the guy out that you fancy, and if he says no then it's definitely time to move on. That's all.

SaucyJack · 10/01/2018 22:37

YANBU.

She should be spending her time knitting cardies for her great-grandchildren or baking cakes for the church fete at her age.

Must be some sort of weird sex-magic occurring. He couldn't possibly just like spending time with someone of such an advanced age out of choice.

BigBaboonBum · 10/01/2018 22:38

No, in fact you sound a bit unhinged. He isn’t your property

SilverySurfer · 10/01/2018 22:39

How you are not cringing with embarrassment at the very thought of doing this, let alone actually starting a thread on here about it is way beyond my comprehension.

I know I sound tragic and stalkery

Doesn't even begin to cover it.

Bingbong thinks you sound 15: I say 13

That old?

I should talk to him and I will if i get the chance (and the courage) but it kind of depends on him coming to me when he passes (which he hasn’t been doing...)

And say what? You're mine - tell that bitch hands off? Completely and utterly bonkers.

LyraPotter · 10/01/2018 22:40

Definitely don't speak to her! If it is just friendly banter on her part you'll look like a lunatic, and if it's something more serious she won't listen to you anyway. you would be risking your professionalism for no guaranteed reward. Even if she did back off it would be no guarantee this bloke would come running back, and if he did you would always wonder if you were second choice.

In all honesty I would be wary of an office romance anyway, because mixing work and play can be so risky. But if you're determined to go ahead you must at least avoid haranguing this woman who has yet to actually do anything wrong.

BulletFox · 10/01/2018 22:41

Awww at 'sad lovelorn' eyes. I kind of want to give you a hug.

Please please please please don't talk to Lucy and try to step back from the crush.

Hauntedlobster · 10/01/2018 22:44

Are you on glue?

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2018 22:49

The other thing to consider op, is that as you've likely misjudged fins friendship to be romantic interest, because that's what you wanted it to be, and misjudged whether you should talk to Lucy, because you saw it as a way to get what you want, there is a huge chance you've also misjudged Lucy and fins conversations and they really are just friendly and chatting and both of them know this, and that would be because youre jealous and think if it stops you'll miraculously get your man.

So all in its Bridget Jones time, down a bottle of Chablis whilst singing all by myself in your pyjamas and move on. 💐

Roussette · 10/01/2018 22:53

I feel for you, it must've been pretty horrible to realise he dropped you like a hot potato when she came along. He's just a flirt.

You know by now not to approach her but I would add to that and say forget him too, he's just fickle. If he's interested he'll chat to you, but probably only when she stops chatting to him so much, then he'll come running back. I would blow him out at that point.

Whoever said office romances don't work...it did for me... fast forward over 30 years still married...it's not always disastrous!

ohfourfoxache · 10/01/2018 22:59

Oh sweet Jesus Shock

No. No I don’t think you want to talk to her op.

And as for him, I’d back off from him too. If he’s interested he’ll let you know, but he sounds like a right player

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 10/01/2018 23:00

Saucy Shock surely you mean planning her funeral?

TakeTheCrown · 10/01/2018 23:05

It is awful that he's decided he likes someone else more and has just dropped you, but you will change nothing by speaking to him or her. All you'll do is give them something to bond over, ironically, and it could make work awkward for you. Just focus on your work.

And if their friendship comes to an end and he bounces back to you, just be aware of how fickle he is, it could happen again at any time when he finds another woman interesting. You may have had a lucky escape!

ItLooksABitOff · 10/01/2018 23:07

aww OP. You sound nice, if a bit unhinged Grin but lust will do that to ya.

He's just not that into you. I'm sorry, it sucks.

and please don't speak to her

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 10/01/2018 23:12

Sorry, know I'm being a knob but this made me laugh.

BulletFox · 10/01/2018 23:15

It made me remember what having a passionate crush felt like!

Then I thought 'thank fuck I'll never have one of them again'

Giraffey1 · 10/01/2018 23:17

What would you say to her? Back off - he’s mine?

Of course you’d BU to tell her to back off. He isn’t your property and you’re an adult, not 13. Time to grow up. It’s fine to have a crush, or go ask him out if you (but given his recent withdrawal from talking to you prepare for a rejection) but you know speaking to her is a no-no.

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2018 23:22

Op are you able to differentiate between friendly banter with a man you find attractive and romantic interest from him?

If I was Lucy and you spoke to me, I'd reassure you fin and I were just chatting and that anything between the two of you was nothing to do with me.

I'd then inform your supervisor and fin of the concerning behavuour, in case it escalated and you took it further, either with me or him, if he continued to reject you.😔

PoorYorick · 10/01/2018 23:28

If I were Lucy and you spoke to me, I'd edge away from you, remove all sharp objects from your vicinity and install a tracking device on my phone.

If this isn't a troll, you are an absolute fruitloop. Fin should be warned to lock up his rabbits.

DragonflyInn · 10/01/2018 23:29

Ah bugger - I do sound like a dick don’t I?

I think in my head talking to her was less embarrassing than talking to him but clearly no!

Don't worry op... isn't that what mumsnet is for - a bit of a reality check when we go a little crazy! Well done for hearing what everyone is saying. Personally I'd play it cool for a while - give you a chance to clear your head but also see if things seem to be developing between the 2 of them.

demirose87 · 10/01/2018 23:29

It's embarrassing. Even if she "backed off" and he became available to you, you would always know that he also liked her. Do you really want to be second best?

helenoftroyville · 10/01/2018 23:30

He's just not that into you, don't embarrass yourself.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 10/01/2018 23:32

I think op gets it’s a no from MN.

donquixotedelamancha · 10/01/2018 23:33

Nothing has happened but it was getting to the point that if he didn’t ask me out I was goi g to ask him

Months? You took far too bloody long about it. Either he isn't interested, or he came to the conclusion that you weren't.

Option 1: Grow a pair and ask him out.

Option 2: Get over it and move on.
Option 3: Kidnap him and keep him tied up in your cellar, muttering 'you're my wife now'.

I think the ages are relevant They aren't.

BulletFox · 10/01/2018 23:36

donquixote I quite like Option 3 Smile

If I ever decide to date again I could stand over them muttering 'ahhh, my little pretty one...' whilst fondling a whip.

OP glad you're calming down a bit.

Snowysky20009 · 10/01/2018 23:43

bing I was thinking bunny nmboiler too lol

OP please don't do this. It's a no no no no no. You will really embarrass yourself!

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